Have I unintentionally made this very awkward ??

[christmasfear]

Name changed.

I've been at a new job on and off for the past few months. I'm in my twenties and my colleague (kind of an unofficial supervisor) is in her fifties ish. She knows I don't have anyone to spend Christmas with this year. She invited me to stay with her over Xmas (in a support bubble so all would be safe) and said a lot of things like "I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it" and eventually after a bit of pushing from my friend (who's busy on Xmas sadly) I sent her an email saying it would be lovely to pop in and see her on Christmas Day. I sent this a few days back.

However, she's not responded to this at all and she's sent multiple subsequent emails to the team so I know she's been online and can read mine. I feel very awkward about the whole thing, as I'm worried she just meant it as a social nicety and doesn't know how to let me down gently. So AIBU to have said yes to it and assumed she wasn't just saying it as an empty idea? I can't imagine anything more awkward than saying something just to be nice and having the other person respond with "yes please!" (or words to that effect).

I think you thought you were accepting her offer whereas she thought you were declining it (the 'popping over' could've been perceived as a polite 'brush off').
Bit weird she didn't even text a merry Christmas to you though, when previously she felt close enough to spend it with you.

How does everyone think I should approach it when I see her in person? Pretend nothing ever happened or try to clear the air?

I would just ignore it. But if its ever mentioned stand your ground and say she never replied to you. I have a feeling she may act a bit funny (out of embarrassment) but then claim you never got back to her. Then say she never received your email.

Omg I'm just catching up. I can't believe she didn't respond at all!!
You definitely should not be the one who feels awkward.
I hope you are ok and enjoy the rest of your time off.

Please don't fell awkward!

The only thing I can imagine is you didn't get excited enough about her invitation and said you consider it. Is she generally a sensitive person who is easily offended? If so, it's probably best you didn't go round for Christmas Day.

You've nothing to feel awkward about. I always wonder what's going on with people who just don't respond to things they initiated. I wonder if it's a power thing?

How does everyone think I should approach it when I see her in person? Pretend nothing ever happened or try to clear the air? I'm dreading going back, honestly, I can't think of any way to salvage this situation

I wouldn’t mention it at all. Just behave as normal. There’s no air to clear and trying to do so would create awkwardness.

She made an invitation, you half accepted it, she didn’t get back to you, no harm done.

She probably had a busy stressful week with her kids, maybe someone was ill or had covid or the household mixing rules threw her and she forgot about inviting you and agreeing a time.

If anyone should feel awkward it’s her not you. Social etiquette suggests you pretend nothing happened and pretend you’d forgotten about the faux invitation too. It may have been a genuine invitation in the beginning but all sorts could have happened since then.

OP, I have no idea why your colleague stopped responding, but for future reference, your way of accepting/not accepting the original invitation sounds exactly like the kind of thing my mother does, which makes her so exhausting to deal with. She thinks that in second-guessing what would be easiest for someone else, she’s doing them a favour, when in fact it would be far easier all round if she responded according to what she would like or not. She has responded to Christmas invitations other years with ‘Oh, no, we won’t come for dinner, we’ll just pop in for a bit’, because she thinks it makes her look polite, when given the usual timings, that would involve both parents having to be picked up during our usual dinner time and sitting watching people eat etc etc.

She has similar form for assuming other people only decline invitations ‘to be polite’ and don’t mean the refusal, which has not infrequently ended up with my mother cooking three-course meals for relatives who have explicitly told her they will drop in to say hello on their way to a pre-arranged restaurant meal, or en route to the airport to catch a flight, and being baffled they don’t sit down and tuck in.

Basically, what I’m saying is just to say yes or no to an invitation, don’t try to rearrange stuff according to your own ideas of what is ‘easiest’ for the other person.

Who knows what actually happened here?

Well it will be awkward but on her part! You've done nothing wrong and she should be thoroughly embarrassed! She may try to turn the blame on you...I'd just say, breezily, with a smile, you know you didn't need to invite me if you didn't mean it, I genuinely was happy on my own.

OP, I have no idea why your colleague stopped responding, but for future reference, your way of accepting/not accepting the original invitation sounds exactly like the kind of thing my mother does, which makes her so exhausting to deal with.

I guess though I see it as she could fire back a quick "We'd prefer you to come for dinner. Come at x and we'll see you then!" rather than just ignoring me, though?

Basically, what I’m saying is just to say yes or no to an invitation, don’t try to rearrange stuff according to your own ideas of what is ‘easiest’ for the other person.

I tested the waters of "popping in" on the off chance her offer was just a social nicety, which it turned out to be. I may be "exhausting" too but for me anyway it comes from an attempt at diplomacy, not to be an irritant (which I hoped she knew).

Thank you to everyone else for your ideas, I'm reading them all and so far leaning towards saying nothing.

Sorry just another thought, what if coming for a full lunch would have been inconvenient for me? I don't know what's more socially inappropriate, suggesting something different (e.g. the "popping in thing) or rejecting the invitation.

I think people with no plans or people to spend Christmas Day with are just supposed to be incredibly grateful, and heartily enjoy the food, eating sprouts even if you hate them and then do all the washing up.

Indeed @LynetteScavo. There's definitely a "beggars can't be choosers" idea, that if you're alone on Christmas you must be a beggar of some kind.

(Though FWIW since my Desperate Housewives watching recently, I now recognise and enjoy your username!)

Glad you managed to enjoy Christmas anyway and hope our comments made you feel a bit better about The Situation!

I would do the very British thing and pretend it never happened

Certainly no need to fall over yourself trying to make her feel less uncomfortable about it.

I find that people generally don't say much about Christmas on returning to work in the New Year. it's really just a case of Had a good Christmas? Yes thanks, now back to talking about work..

I don’t really get this whole ‘popping in’ being a problem or a faux pas. If I were your manager I would’ve just replied to clarify what you meant or called you.

I’m sorry you didn’t get a response. I would probably just ignore it and not say anything unless she did though.

@christmasfear

Sorry just another thought, what if coming for a full lunch would have been inconvenient for me? I don't know what's more socially inappropriate, suggesting something different (e.g. the "popping in thing) or rejecting the invitation.

Then you just say no thanks, surely?

Sorry that made it sound like I was speaking for OP * I was just saying what I* would do in that situation. Typing too quickly

I don't know, maybe I should have just rejected it, you're probably right Djouce. I just thought I was being diplomatic but it's not my natural knack it seems. Next time I'll just say no instead of trying to change the plan

@christmasfear

Indeed *@LynetteScavo*. There's definitely a "beggars can't be choosers" idea, that if you're alone on Christmas you must be a beggar of some kind.

(Though FWIW since my Desperate Housewives watching recently, I now recognise and enjoy your username!)

Sigh. If you are by yourself, and not working, volunteering, transferring your children to their other parent or dealing with family or elderly relatives on Christmas Day, by definition you are not having to reckon with several other peoples’ schedules, which may determine meal times or availability for giving lifts etc. If someone who is not in your situation invites you to come to them for Christmas dinner, it’s almost certainly easier for you to be flexible, if you would actually like to accept.

If you don’t want to, or the timings don’t suit you, it is — to quote that much-repeated Mn truism — an invitation not a summons.

If I were hosting, I wouldn’t be engaging in a back and forth set of negotiations that sounds more like the Treaty of Versailles than an invitation to Christmas Day. And I certainly wouldn’t be getting involved in dealing with alternative suggestions designed to check whether I’d only invited you out of ‘social nicety’ or really meant it. That is exactly what I mean by ‘exhausting’.

I guess though I see it as she could fire back a quick "We'd prefer you to come for dinner. Come at x and we'll see you then!" rather than just ignoring me, though?

Not everyone feels able to be so blunt. She sounds like a kind, busy lady with a lot going on this Xmas so she may have forgotten she’d even asked you or assumed your reply was a polite no thank you.

Oh op you sound exactly like me! I've often had inadvertent arguments on here because I've asked people to clarify their meaning lest I take something literally that wasn't intended like that, or vice versa. I've found people get very defensive if you question their choice of words even in a neutral way but as you've seen, there's so much scope for ambiguity or unspoken intentions!
Even with all that, this woman was still breathtakingly rude to just not respond.
Just to reassure anyone, I do try and take things at face value and give truthful responses (although I get really anxious about saying or implying the wrong thing and overthink it all). It's great if you have a group of friends where you can all say what you mean (eg don't bring a present, and you're actually not expected to! )

@christmasfear

I don't know, maybe I should have just rejected it, you're probably right Djouce. I just thought I was being diplomatic but it's not my natural knack it seems. Next time I'll just say no instead of trying to change the plan

Well. Or yes, if you actually wanted to go? I’m not clear myself on whether, if left to yourself, you did originally want to accept!

Honestly, OP, we’re all as much in the dark as you are about why your colleague went quiet, which on the face of it is pretty rude and rejecting — but is it possible something happened to her or one of her household in the run up to Christmas? Especially COVID-related? And she just didn’t communicate about it?

If I were hosting, I wouldn’t be engaging in a back and forth set of negotiations that sounds more like the Treaty of Versailles than an invitation to Christmas Day. And I certainly wouldn’t be getting involved in dealing with alternative suggestions designed to check whether I’d only invited you out of ‘social nicety’ or really meant it. That is exactly what I mean by ‘exhausting’.

There was one "negotiation". Literally one email that essentially said "if it's easier for you, I could pop in after lunch and bring some presents & some ethnic snacks and we could hang out". She could have said no, and cut any negotiating completely short and we could all have moved on. Maybe I made a mistake in trying to suggest something different, but I think that could have been sorted by a quick "No, it would be easier if you came for Christmas lunch".

Sorry just another thought, what if coming for a full lunch would have been inconvenient for me? I don't know what's more socially inappropriate, suggesting something different (e.g. the "popping in thing) or rejecting the invitation

If coming for a full lunch was inconvenient for you, I think the polite response would be to decline the invitation. Not suggest ‘popping in’ at a time that suited you better.

I don’t think it’s ‘beggars can’t be choosers’, but if someone with a large family and a busy Xmas Day invites you for Xmas Lunch they are being generous. Nothing wrong with you saying thanks but no thanks. But a bit strange to try and come to an arrangement of ‘popping in’ with gifts and your own food at no specific time. It probably confused her and she didn’t have the energy or time to sort out when you planned to come.

But a bit strange to try and come to an arrangement of ‘popping in’ with gifts and your own food at no specific time. It probably confused her and she didn’t have the energy or time to sort out when you planned to come.

A specific time might have been arranged if she had responded to the email. By "pop in" I've never meant "wander in at any time that suits me best on the day" but priorly arranging a time after Christmas lunch. She was being generous to offer, you're right, but I think if it was impolite to suggest a slightly altered plan then it was also impolite to not respond at all.

Maybe I made a mistake in trying to suggest something different, but I think that could have been sorted by a quick "No, it would be easier if you came for Christmas lunch".

Not everyone feels able to reply so bluntly. She may have been bewildered by your suggestion of coming with food and gifts after lunch when she’d generously invited you for the day. She should have replied if she didn’t want that; but maybe she forgot or was busy with her kids or someone was ill or isolating.