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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I unintentionally made this very awkward ??

346 replies

christmasfear · 19/12/2020 17:40

Name changed.

I've been at a new job on and off for the past few months. I'm in my twenties and my colleague (kind of an unofficial supervisor) is in her fifties ish. She knows I don't have anyone to spend Christmas with this year. She invited me to stay with her over Xmas (in a support bubble so all would be safe) and said a lot of things like "I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it" and eventually after a bit of pushing from my friend (who's busy on Xmas sadly) I sent her an email saying it would be lovely to pop in and see her on Christmas Day. I sent this a few days back.

However, she's not responded to this at all and she's sent multiple subsequent emails to the team so I know she's been online and can read mine. I feel very awkward about the whole thing, as I'm worried she just meant it as a social nicety and doesn't know how to let me down gently. So AIBU to have said yes to it and assumed she wasn't just saying it as an empty idea? I can't imagine anything more awkward than saying something just to be nice and having the other person respond with "yes please!" (or words to that effect). Blush

OP posts:
Palavah · 27/12/2020 19:22

@christmasfear

Thank you, *@SmileyClare and @spoons123*, I really appreciate that. I think in the future I'm just going to politely reject invitations unless I know that they're from people who communicate (or know me well enough to understand how I communicate) like I do. It just seems simpler and I don't want to fret about the awkwardness, or have someone else feel the same way.
That sounds like cutting your nose off to spite your face.
Original poster
christmasfear · 27/12/2020 19:24

Ethnic snacks in the context of my ethnicity not hers, so I hope she wouldn't be offended by that Grin

OP posts:
DrDetriment · 27/12/2020 19:27

Phew. Thanks for clarifying OP!

Nanasplit · 27/12/2020 19:31

I don't think you did anything wrong OP. Hope its not too awkward when you go back to work - but I don't think you have anything to feel awkward about!

Sally872 · 27/12/2020 19:37

I expect colleague was genuine when she offered then her family have felt they would rather minimise guests either because of covid or because they don't know you. Colleague has not known how to fix it so ignored your email.

When you get back to work she will probably email back saying "I have just realised I missed your email I am so sorry" or "I thought I had replied to your email but just found it saved as a draft."

It is not your fault. Do not let it put you off accepting invitations in future. Glad you had a nice day anyway.

SwanShaped · 27/12/2020 19:44

It’s just so weird that she didn’t say what was going on in her head. I don’t see an issue at all with you saying popping in. She could have asked for a time if that was needed. Especially as you were trying to make it easier. Just say ‘can you let me know a rough time as I’m trying to plan the day’ Easy. Or if she’d changed her mind then she could have said that too. Not saying anything is effing weird as fuck. I never invite people if I don’t mean it. So I hope it doesn’t put you off trying to be more social.

ContessaDiPulpo · 27/12/2020 20:05

That sounds so horribly awkward OP, I sympathise greatly!!

So if she doesn't mention it, don't mention it yourself - just breeze past with 'Oh, a quiet day, lots of yummy food' or similar. The other possibility is that she might bluff it out and say she thought you were coming, following your email, so why didn't you? The answer to that is that you weren't entirely sure she'd seen the email, didn't want to presume and so didn't come by after all, as you didn't want to put her out. This is all true of course and neatly puts the ball back in her court. She might get a bit odd/defensive after you say it though, so have some softening statements like 'I thought it might have got lost in the swarm of last-minute emails just before work finished for the year, but equally I didn't want to pester you, so you know, ARGH!'. Try to make it just a thing that happened where no-one was really at fault although if anyone was it was her

BorderlineHappy · 27/12/2020 20:31

You countered with 'popping in', rejecting the invitation to stay and effectively making a new arrangement convenient to you. Popping in on Christmas day is more hassle because you interrupt the flow of things

That may be true, but why can't she just say so? Either bluntly or in a more diplomatic way, if I'm being a PITA let me know but ignoring me in hopes I'll go away seems like a bit of an impolite thing to do.

Because you changed the invitation.

She asked you for dinner.So either say yes,or no.

You don't counter Which is what you did.

So she probably took the social norms of giving you an easy way out.
She took it as you saying no to the invitation.

Original poster
christmasfear · 27/12/2020 20:34

She asked you for dinner.So either say yes,or no.
You don't counter Which is what you did.

Why not? Does nobody ever say "I can't do lunch on Tuesday but we could have dinner if that's more convenient?".
Like a PP suggested, I clearly do need a handbook!

OP posts:
misskatamari · 27/12/2020 20:36

Honestly, the way you emailed sounds perfectly polite and reasonable to me. It sounds like you were friendly and just trying to make sure the plans were whatever was convenient for her. I don't understand the other viewpoints being offered, that you were somehow being difficult. She was rude. 100%. The only thing I can think is that she somehow didn't see you email, if not if is spectacularly rude and horrible of her, to invite you for Christmas, have you accept, and then just completely ignore you and leave you to have Christmas alone. Beggars belief. I'm glad you had a good day in the end. Please do not doubt yourself or feel bad about this, you are not in the wrong at all!

Original poster
christmasfear · 27/12/2020 20:47

Thank you very much, @misskatamari Smile Just trying to keep my chin up and try and avoid this situation happening again!

OP posts:
HikeForward · 27/12/2020 21:39

That may be true, but why can't she just say so? Either bluntly or in a more diplomatic way

Because she may be too stressed, tired, busy, irritated by your rejection, to think of how to diplomatically say popping in won’t work.

Original poster
christmasfear · 27/12/2020 21:41

Because she may be too stressed, tired, busy, irritated by your rejection, to think of how to diplomatically say popping in won’t work.

Irritated by my rejection? I really hope she's not thinking like that. If she's simply forgotten (which I'd be surprised about but I suppose anything can happen) then that would be understandable, but I think if you offer things then you should hold yourself accountable to them, even if it means changing your mind later.

OP posts:
BorderlineHappy · 27/12/2020 21:48

That may be true, but why can't she just say so? Either bluntly or in a more diplomatic way

Why didn't you just say no.
Either bluntly or in a more diplomatic way?

Original poster
christmasfear · 27/12/2020 21:51

Why didn't you just say no.
Either bluntly or in a more diplomatic way?

Because I wanted to offer something else instead and not just reject her without any explanation? Bloody hell.

OP posts:
Djouce · 27/12/2020 22:23

@christmasfear

*She asked you for dinner.So either say yes,or no. You don't counter Which is what you did.*

Why not? Does nobody ever say "I can't do lunch on Tuesday but we could have dinner if that's more convenient?".
Like a PP suggested, I clearly do need a handbook!

But dinner would be ‘more convenient’ for you In that case, so why phrase it as though you’re doing the other person a favour?

And Christmas Day is not just like a random Tuesday, either...

Original poster
christmasfear · 27/12/2020 22:29

But dinner would be ‘more convenient’ for you In that case, so why phrase it as though you’re doing the other person a favour?

Because it may easily be helping her to suggest that if she would like to be kind to me by inviting me, but isn't especially keen on doing a ton of additional cooking and cleaning. It could mutually help both of us, I was just asking. She had the capacity to say no.

OP posts:
Djouce · 27/12/2020 22:33

@christmasfear

But dinner would be ‘more convenient’ for you In that case, so why phrase it as though you’re doing the other person a favour?

Because it may easily be helping her to suggest that if she would like to be kind to me by inviting me, but isn't especially keen on doing a ton of additional cooking and cleaning. It could mutually help both of us, I was just asking. She had the capacity to say no.

No, I’m just talking about your example of someone suggesting lunch on a Tuesday and you saying you couldn’t do lunch but ‘could do dinner if that’s more convenient’.
Original poster
christmasfear · 27/12/2020 22:38

Maybe I miswrote that then, I wasn't trying to make it seem as though I was doing someone a favour. By "more convenient for you" I meant in the context of being more convenient than waiting two months, or something along those lines.

OP posts:
BorderlineHappy · 27/12/2020 22:39

I think the problem was it was asked through email.
So when you countered back about dropping in,you didn't see the reaction.
And so you. Weren't able to gauge how they reacted.

Original poster
christmasfear · 27/12/2020 22:42

I hear that. I emailed because we had just come off a Zoom call and I didn't want to start another call just to say what was said in the email, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
misskatamari · 27/12/2020 22:43

Honestly @christmasfear try not to doubt yourself over this. I really don't get the whole "you rejected her offer" mentality. You didn't! You've explained countless times how your email went, you accepted her invitation and tried to make sure you were doing so in a way that was most convenient to her. Please don't over think this. For whatever reason she hasn't got back to you. This is a reflection on her. I am almost 100% sure you have not committed some awful social faux pas, by sending ONE email to someone accepting an invitation that they had repeatedly offered.

You have nothing to feel bad about, and you don't need to justify your self to people on here. I'm sure most people would have emailed in a similar vein, in a chatty way, to try and firm up plans and make sure it worked for her.

misskatamari · 27/12/2020 22:46

You emailed to open a dialogue. Any normal exchange would have gone from there to firm up plans, to work out timings etc. It's only weird now because she didn't engage at all, which leaves you thinking "wtf" abs questioning every nuanced bit of what you wrote and how it could come across (and randoms on the internet doing it third hand now too). You behaved normally in my opinion. Try not to stress about it

Original poster
christmasfear · 27/12/2020 22:46

Thank you, @misskatamari. I really appreciate that. I'm going to lessen my responses on here (until there's an appropriate update) and everyone can view it how they would like to view it. Have a lovely night!

OP posts:
BillysMyBunny · 27/12/2020 23:01

When do you go back to work? I assume you’re wfh so won’t have to see her face to face for some time?

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