Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have I unintentionally made this very awkward ??

346 replies

christmasfear · 19/12/2020 17:40

Name changed.

I've been at a new job on and off for the past few months. I'm in my twenties and my colleague (kind of an unofficial supervisor) is in her fifties ish. She knows I don't have anyone to spend Christmas with this year. She invited me to stay with her over Xmas (in a support bubble so all would be safe) and said a lot of things like "I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it" and eventually after a bit of pushing from my friend (who's busy on Xmas sadly) I sent her an email saying it would be lovely to pop in and see her on Christmas Day. I sent this a few days back.

However, she's not responded to this at all and she's sent multiple subsequent emails to the team so I know she's been online and can read mine. I feel very awkward about the whole thing, as I'm worried she just meant it as a social nicety and doesn't know how to let me down gently. So AIBU to have said yes to it and assumed she wasn't just saying it as an empty idea? I can't imagine anything more awkward than saying something just to be nice and having the other person respond with "yes please!" (or words to that effect). Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
christmasfear · 27/12/2020 16:02

Not everyone feels able to reply so bluntly.

I'm sure there would be a diplomatic way to get that point across though, of what would be easiest for her? "I'd love to spend the day with you on Christmas and cook you some food, if that's okay! If you could come over for lunch then we could play some games and it would be fun." (or whatever else she preferred, that's just an example). I would see that as a very kind and friendly way to make it clear what you want.

She may have been bewildered by your suggestion of coming with food and gifts after lunch when she’d generously invited you for the day.

Bewildered, why? I'm clearly not the greatest with social subtlety, but I truly don't understand why that could be bewildering.

OP posts:
JustAPassingFashion · 27/12/2020 16:03

When are you back at work, OP?

Original poster
christmasfear · 27/12/2020 16:04

Back in early Jan!

OP posts:
JustAPassingFashion · 27/12/2020 16:11

Fingers crossed it all gets sorted out. Would you rather it gets ignored/glossed over or do you want to have the chat?

SmileyClare · 27/12/2020 16:12

I don't think you need to spend any more energy picking over the bones of this Op. There could be a million reasons for her behaviour, and how she might have misinterpreted certain words or phrases in your replies...what we're her intentions, have you committed a social faux pas in some way? Don't torture yourself.

You'll never figure out the mystery of people. Enjoy the rest of your holiday, don't let this spoil things Smile

spoons123 · 27/12/2020 16:13

I wouldn't blame yourself, OP. Because you have Asperger's and struggle sometimes in social situations, you have automatically assumed that it is you who have misjudged the situation and been rude.

I don't think it is your fault at all (I have a teenager with Asperger's so I understand some of the difficulties you might have - but I also know that people with ASD aren't always 'wrong' in social situations.)

I think your response to this colleague was fine - you suggested 'dropping in' to keep it casual and see whether the invitation was genuine. Why couldn't she reply saying, "Yes, but I meant for you to come over for lunch"?

She didn't reply at all - she was RUDE. Hold your head up high when you're back at work. Don't mention it again and if anyone asks about your Christmas, tell them your friend was free after all.

Good luck!

Original poster
christmasfear · 27/12/2020 16:14

Fingers crossed it all gets sorted out. Would you rather it gets ignored/glossed over or do you want to have the chat?

Thank you. My natural response is having a polite chat with her about what happened, but that's probably not advisable because it seems we have different modes of communication. I think I'll leave it unless she brings it up, and even then I'll probably just mention I had a nice Christmas and try not to dwell on it too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
christmasfear · 27/12/2020 16:16

Thank you, @SmileyClare and @spoons123, I really appreciate that. I think in the future I'm just going to politely reject invitations unless I know that they're from people who communicate (or know me well enough to understand how I communicate) like I do. It just seems simpler and I don't want to fret about the awkwardness, or have someone else feel the same way.

OP posts:
spoons123 · 27/12/2020 16:23

Don't reject invitations! That's the only way you'll get more confident socially. We all make mistakes - not just people with Asperger's. That's how we learn.

There are lots of people out there waiting to get to know you. Don't give up.

Wishing you a happy 2021.

SmileyClare · 27/12/2020 16:23

Well yes, one good rule of thumb is to view any future invitations from your colleague very suspiciously! Some people are weird.

You might have had a lucky escape and Christmas dinner would have been completely awkward with her anyway.

You sound great, give yourself a hug and be kind to yourself.

villainousbroodmare · 27/12/2020 16:39

OP, you sound like such a lovely, thoughtful and humorous person. You write so well. All the best for 2021 and may all your social interactions be pleasant and straightforward ones instead of the weirdness of this one. I'm NT and am socially pretty adept and I don't think that you did a thing wrong. Grin

Original poster
christmasfear · 27/12/2020 16:51

Don't reject invitations! That's the only way you'll get more confident socially.
I just have no idea now if it's politer to reject things (running the risk of people feeling rejected) or try and alter plans (running the risk of people feeling confused or put out) if I can't do exactly what the original plan was. I should have a degree for all the thinking I put into social interaction! Grin

Thank you very much to you both, @SmileyClare and @villainousbroodmare. I really appreciate it!

I'll make sure to update this thread whenever I next have a conversation with her, and see if she says anything. Don't want to leave anyone with a cliffhanger! Smile

OP posts:
Palavah · 27/12/2020 16:59

@christmasfear

If I invited someone to stay wirh me at xmas and they eventually after pressure said "I'd love to pop in" I think I'd be put out as well.

Can you explain your thought process / feelings behind this?
Sorry I know I sound like an alien, but I'd be much more likely to be pissed off if someone were enforcing they stay longer rather than trying to be polite and come for a short visit (unless they had already said they were coming for the day, but that didn't happen). @Palavah

Sorry I missed this but I think other posters have explained it - she invited you to stay - if not overnight (which is my interpretation of 'stay' then for the majority of the day. You countered with 'popping in', rejecting the invitation to stay and effectively making a new arrangement convenient to you. Popping in on Christmas day is more hassle because you interrupt the flow of things. The host haa to step away from what they are doing to welcome you, possibly in the middle of cooking/serving/eating/finally getting to put their feet up.
Original poster
christmasfear · 27/12/2020 17:01

You countered with 'popping in', rejecting the invitation to stay and effectively making a new arrangement convenient to you. Popping in on Christmas day is more hassle because you interrupt the flow of things

That may be true, but why can't she just say so? Either bluntly or in a more diplomatic way, if I'm being a PITA let me know but ignoring me in hopes I'll go away seems like a bit of an impolite thing to do.

OP posts:
DeaconBoo · 27/12/2020 17:04

Popping in on Christmas day is more hassle because you interrupt the flow of things. The host haa to step away from what they are doing to welcome you, possibly in the middle of cooking/serving/eating/finally getting to put their feet up.

I disagree with this, but that just goes to show that there's no one universal interpretation for things like this!

I popped down to a relative's for a couple of hours (outside) a week or so ago and there were several short messages back and forth trying to hash out the best time/location etc. It's not a problem.

SmileyClare · 27/12/2020 17:38

It would be good if there was a handbook telling you exactly how to handle social interactions eh? Or a Google translate app that could tell you what people actually mean when they email, text or say something vague!

You're not alone op, we're all muddling along trying to navigate social niceties and wondering what the Hell other people are thinking Grin

Keep being yourself x

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/12/2020 18:06

You did nothing wrong in suggesting the pop in. It was an open question and you were leaving it to her to respond whether it was ok or not/when it would work.

I wonder if she missed the email.

Djouce · 27/12/2020 18:20

@christmasfear

Thank you, *@SmileyClare and @spoons123*, I really appreciate that. I think in the future I'm just going to politely reject invitations unless I know that they're from people who communicate (or know me well enough to understand how I communicate) like I do. It just seems simpler and I don't want to fret about the awkwardness, or have someone else feel the same way.
But why not just accept the invitations you want to accept and refuse the others, without worrying about other peoples’ communication styles or whether they secretly want you to refuse? It isn’t clear to me from this entire thread whether you ever wanted to accept the invitation, before your friend started prodding you into a response...?
DeaconBoo · 27/12/2020 18:47

But why not just accept the invitations you want to accept and refuse the others, without worrying about other peoples’ communication styles or whether they secretly want you to refuse?

This is mainly covered in the first few hundred posts, but it's because the op would feel awkward accepting an invitation when the asker really wanted them to not come, and that would make her uncomfortable enough to prefer to not accept in the first place. Which I can totally empathise with!
The invitations I want to accept would have to at least meet the criterion of being genuine invitations, which is where uncertainty and second-guessing creeps in.

Djouce · 27/12/2020 18:52

@DeaconBoo

But why not just accept the invitations you want to accept and refuse the others, without worrying about other peoples’ communication styles or whether they secretly want you to refuse?

This is mainly covered in the first few hundred posts, but it's because the op would feel awkward accepting an invitation when the asker really wanted them to not come, and that would make her uncomfortable enough to prefer to not accept in the first place. Which I can totally empathise with!
The invitations I want to accept would have to at least meet the criterion of being genuine invitations, which is where uncertainty and second-guessing creeps in.

But why would anyone assume people issued regularly invitations they didn’t mean? That seems unnecessarily tortured for even the most politeness-prone and indirect Brit. I can’t imagine feeling the need to repeatedly check someone’s sincerity if they invited me somewhere. People usually act as they wish.
DeaconBoo · 27/12/2020 18:59

You've really not seen "oh, you must pop over sometime!" used almost as a punchline? It's sort of the "standard" of insincere invitations. Hence the op seeking more specific confirmation that it wasn't one of those.

I totally agree that it's madness and people should just say what they mean. Unfortunately ppl do do this!

Djouce · 27/12/2020 19:02

@DeaconBoo

You've really not seen "oh, you must pop over sometime!" used almost as a punchline? It's sort of the "standard" of insincere invitations. Hence the op seeking more specific confirmation that it wasn't one of those.

I totally agree that it's madness and people should just say what they mean. Unfortunately ppl do do this!

Sure, but there’s never a time or place or time specified in those ‘We must get together sometime’ ones. This was a specific invitation for Christmas Day.
Twiddlet · 27/12/2020 19:18

I don’t have anything new to add since the event has now passed but I just wanted to say that you sound very kind and considerate OP.

BexR · 27/12/2020 19:21

Cant believe she didnt reply. What an absolute bitch.

I'm pleased you had a good Christmas OP.

Let's face it one of the first questions we all ask on returning to work is "Did you have a good Christmas", I would be so tempted to reply with "yeah despite your fuckery." But what's the point, you sound like a better person than me - what's the saying? "When they go low, you go high"

DrDetriment · 27/12/2020 19:21

One thing that's not been mentioned OP is that you offered to pop in and bring some "ethnic snacks". Is it possible that this offended her? I've never heard the term ethnic snack before but if she's not white and even if she is that might be considered offensive? I'm probably clutching at straws here as I really don't think you've behaved inappropriately at all. She seems rude.