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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To report this even though my dd could get in trouble?

248 replies

DannyOD · 19/12/2020 14:45

I live in London. Very high rates of Covid and rising. It is DD’s best friend’s 21st birthday and she is having a party. We are not happy about her attending and have told her so but she is insisting on going. Her cousins were 18 and 21 this year and have managed without celebrating!! I am friends with her best friends Mum and have told her of my worries but she is all breezy about it saying they have a marquee so they can go in the garden (still not allowed). So WIBU to anonymously report the party even though it could get them all in trouble? Or should I just cross my fingers and hope for the best?

OP posts:
ForestNymph · 19/12/2020 19:19

@florascotia2

Forest You said (I quote) " People gain a sense of self righteousness and moral superiority" from stopping people holding dangerous/illegal parties and encouraging others to be responsible by joining in.

That really is pretty nasty. Saying that people who are acting public-spiritedly do so for personal gratification or to 'get back' at othrs. I (The reverse is true - doing the public-spirited thing often this causes them pain, which is the WHOLE POINT of the OP's post.) It's the sort of thing that emotionally immature but outwardly popular teens might do, hence my previous comment.

There is no benefit to calling the police as they'll have already mixed, which means it does rather look more like its out of spite than anything else. And yes, unfortunately,, adults can be immature and behave that way
LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 19/12/2020 19:28

If she lives under your roof she needs to abide by your rules, which presumably includes being a law abiding citizen. Would she still go if she thought there would be consequences?

Mydogmylife · 19/12/2020 19:34

@DeathinparadiseNo1fan

She could get fined thousands of pounds because of you Just butt out! DISGUSTING!
Mmmmmmm no! If she didn't have a party breaching the regulations she wouldn't get fined
Standandwait · 19/12/2020 19:34

Sorry, JoBrodie, anonymous reporting is not fine. There are, obviously, plenty of circumstances in which anonymity can be necessary -- if you are reporting a neighbour you know is likely to be violent towards you.(Even there, what are you going to do when you are subsequently asked to testify in court?) OP just wants to think through what is the right thing to do. And that should include her asking herself why, if she's so sure, she's not willing to stand up and be counted. And indeed, whether she is actually right in her opposition to this party.

Here, as raspberry pointed out with a different intention, there are no bombs falling. This is not a war, and the government did not suspend habeas corpus, meaning technically the Coronavirus Act may be unconstitutional. (All the convictions attempted in the first national lockdown were ultimately thrown out by the courts, remember?)

More to the point, there is a valid argument that it is unfair and unreasonable.

I refer you to the website of the Office of National Statistics, where you will learn, among other points, that in the full year to Nov 23, exactly 286 people under the age of 40 died with covid in the UK. Also that, in fact, the average age of people dying with covid is higher than average life expectancy. You will have to pry much deeper to establish that the majority of infections in our "out of control" situation are taking place in group living situations: hospitals, care homes, and prisons. (That's one of the reasons Kent is doing badly right now -- prisons...) Arguably there are better ways of protecting those people, to whom we certainly owe protection, than destroying everyone else's lives.

For you may go to the Office of Budget Responsibility, which will inform you that it expects GDP to drop by £239 billion this year, extra government spending to hit £400 billion, and unemployment to double to 2.6 million people -- and guess which generation will be paying the price for those figures their entire working lives.

Putting this in more concrete terms: it is entirely possible that OP's daughter cares more about seeing her friends for Christmas than seeing her 84-year-old granny. OP might want to discuss the options with her before going nuclear.

As a practical aside, if they're 21, chances are they're all university students -- in which case they will all have been tested once or twice very recently before leaving for home.

But, without being unduly dramatic, I'm telling you: as a free citizen, I'm obeying the rules because I choose to, but I would sooner we all got covid than live in a country where people felt "moral" reporting their "friends" anonymously to the police. This is not China or Iran or Syria.

florascotia2 · 19/12/2020 19:42

So stand you'd sooner rather thousands of innocent citizens died than healthy people - who should be grateful for their own good fortune - exercised, for the short term, a bit of responsible self-restraint?

Well, have that on your own conscience...

UserEleventyNine · 19/12/2020 19:44

I would sooner we all got covid....

You mean 'I would sooner I got covid...'
You don't get to make that decision for anyone but yourself.

towers14 · 19/12/2020 19:46

@Standandwait well said, nice to hear a voice of reason in the hysterical Mumsnet world.

Beetlebum1981 · 19/12/2020 19:48

I'd report - people need to accept that things are shit, and the longer they decide they're exempt from things then the longer life will remain shit.
I'd also be telling DD that if she goes and stays over then she will need to isolate in her room, if that means over Christmas then so be it. I think you need to be harsh to get the point across.

Beetlebum1981 · 19/12/2020 19:48

Or, she pays for a private test! (If she can get one!!)

Standandwait · 19/12/2020 19:49

Well, user, though I would never make that decision for you, especially not ANONYMOUSLY, I would in fact rather that YOU get covid than that YOU live in fear of being reported by your neighbours to the police anonymously. And if you think it through, I believe you too would prefer that.

ForestNymph · 19/12/2020 19:50

Stand i agree. I don't even have or go to parties, not my thing, but the shifting of the Overton window is sinister.

Runmybathforme · 19/12/2020 19:55

I would report without hesitation. All of you telling OP to ‘ mind her own business ‘ need to remember that many of our hospitals are struggling, and that these kids are putting everyone at risk. For Christ’s sake, what does it take for some people realise that Covid kills people ? My colleagues and I are on our knees with so many patients while these selfish people do as they please.

florascotia2 · 19/12/2020 19:55

towers It's not 'hysterical' it's what the leading scientific authorities have been saying all round the world.

The countries that have done best at controlling the virus have been places like New Zealand, whose strict rules make the UK look almost negligent.

stand Anyone can pick bits out of statistics ..Are you really, honestly saying that the reason why Kent has high infection rates is because of prisons, rather than, as the chief scientific offer says (and others), because it's the site of a new variant form of the virus??

christmasathomeagain · 19/12/2020 19:55

We had three year groups having to isolate after one halloween party. Report it, it is your business and if dd lives with you make sure she knows she is confined to her room for 10 days after.

Standandwait · 19/12/2020 19:55

Also, I think we're all getting sidetracked here by the anonymity issue. There's also the point that OP's friend and OP's daughter are entitled to fair warning. If she tells them up front that she's going to report them, and they choose to go ahead, well, that was their choice.

(The police, by the way, have made it clear enough they have no intention of enforcing most of these rules in people's homes. Neither celebrities nor MPs who broke the rules on the newspaper front pages have been fined.)

Did none of you ever smoke a spliff around the age of 21? Or steal a street sign? Or drink underage? I didn't, for the record, being an unlikeable goody-goody, but I think most people have chosen to break some laws some times, especially when young.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 19/12/2020 19:56

I've got grave concerns over this snitching culture. People are even willing to turn their own kids in now for this Government. I swear if some people crawl any further up BJs arse they'll pop out of his mouth.
Can it not be fairly debated that social distancing lock downs ect are not working if they were surely covid would be long gone.
What were you doing on your 21st op. Youve had your younger years

Twillow · 19/12/2020 19:59

I wish people would get over this 'mind your own business' and 'curtain twitching' attitude.
It is the right thing to do to report. If there are 20 people attending I would hope yours would not be the only report.
We are in such a mess because of people thinking the rules don't apply to them.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 19/12/2020 20:01

@DeathinparadiseNo1fan

She could get fined thousands of pounds because of you Just butt out! DISGUSTING!
No, she could get fined because of her own selfish, illegal, actions.
Jamie8671 · 19/12/2020 20:03

People who say ‘only x number of young people have died of this virus’ are so stupid it’s beyond words 🤦‍♀️

Yes, THEY might not die themselves, but THEY are causing community transmission amongst elderly and vulnerable people who WILL die because of their selfishness. Honestly your daughter and her friends are all selfish AF.

Twillow · 19/12/2020 20:04

@Standandwait

Also, I think we're all getting sidetracked here by the anonymity issue. There's also the point that OP's friend and OP's daughter are entitled to fair warning. If she tells them up front that she's going to report them, and they choose to go ahead, well, that was their choice.

(The police, by the way, have made it clear enough they have no intention of enforcing most of these rules in people's homes. Neither celebrities nor MPs who broke the rules on the newspaper front pages have been fined.)

Did none of you ever smoke a spliff around the age of 21? Or steal a street sign? Or drink underage? I didn't, for the record, being an unlikeable goody-goody, but I think most people have chosen to break some laws some times, especially when young.

I disagree with each statement here,

OP, or anyone else for that matter, is entirely entitled to report anonymously. Why should anyone get themselves in grief with friends, relatives or neighbours when they are not the person who is breaking the rules?

The police WILL attend, to break up gatherings, they would rather prevent and disperse than press charges of course. (Although failing to fine celebrities and MPs who have broken the rules is a big mistake which leaves others thinking it doesn't really matter.)

While casual minor law infringements in youth is common, the examples you give do not put others at risk in the same way as spreading covid does.

florascotia2 · 19/12/2020 20:05

AW don't be ridiculous. A lot of us posting here have no time whatsoever for Boris or any of his mates. We do, however, respect the opinion of scientists who - faced by considerable political pressure - are still trying to point out the facts.
The facts are horribly uncomfortable, in economic and social terms. But it doesn't make them any less true.

Social distancing etc does work - eg in Australia, New Zealand - when it's very strictly enforced. However, it's precisely because this country has such a long tradition (admirable) of free and dissenting speech that the government's got itself in such a muddle and has lost the trust of the people. And look what happens now.

Am not a particular fan of Nicola Sturgeon but I do think she has managed to get a majority of Scottish people behind her. For good or ill, she has better leadership ability than Boris.

Twillow · 19/12/2020 20:07

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

I've got grave concerns over this snitching culture. People are even willing to turn their own kids in now for this Government. I swear if some people crawl any further up BJs arse they'll pop out of his mouth. Can it not be fairly debated that social distancing lock downs ect are not working if they were surely covid would be long gone. What were you doing on your 21st op. Youve had your younger years
Do you not realise the irony of what you've said? While saying it's no one's business if people do whatever the hell they want, you then say lockdowns don't work! Lockdowns are failing to make the impact they should PRECISELY because so many people ARE breaking the rules.
Pikachubaby · 19/12/2020 20:07

I think it’s irresponsible to go to a party like this

But also, I would never snitch on anyone, even less so my own child and their friends Shock

Bloodypunkrockers · 19/12/2020 20:16

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

I've got grave concerns over this snitching culture. People are even willing to turn their own kids in now for this Government. I swear if some people crawl any further up BJs arse they'll pop out of his mouth. Can it not be fairly debated that social distancing lock downs ect are not working if they were surely covid would be long gone. What were you doing on your 21st op. Youve had your younger years
Snitching? This thread is really bringing out the hard of thinking
MamaNewtNewt · 19/12/2020 20:17

You know what I'd normally say keep out of it but I'm sick to death of all the people who think that the rules don't apply to them, that they are the only ones who want to celebrate and see loved ones. The rules are there for a reason! So selfish and irresponsible. It's no wonder we are in the state we are with a PM who can't make the tough decisions and people who think that they can just do what they want. I say report away.