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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To report this even though my dd could get in trouble?

248 replies

DannyOD · 19/12/2020 14:45

I live in London. Very high rates of Covid and rising. It is DD’s best friend’s 21st birthday and she is having a party. We are not happy about her attending and have told her so but she is insisting on going. Her cousins were 18 and 21 this year and have managed without celebrating!! I am friends with her best friends Mum and have told her of my worries but she is all breezy about it saying they have a marquee so they can go in the garden (still not allowed). So WIBU to anonymously report the party even though it could get them all in trouble? Or should I just cross my fingers and hope for the best?

OP posts:
Nottherealslimshady · 19/12/2020 16:54

They're putting peoples lives at risk for the sake of a party, yeah I think you should report it. They wont know it was you, theres loads of people going, it's hardly going to be a well kept secret.

user1471539324 · 19/12/2020 16:58

@queenofknives. It won’t let me quote your post.

But your child could be a risk to others by them attending a party. Or they could be bringing the risk home. Either way, they will be complicit with the spread of the virus. The potential is there. Not every driver who drives over the limit will have a crash either or indeed be over the limit enough to be a danger. There are nuances with both scenarios.

Drawing comparisons to the Nazi regime is frankly ridiculous. The only common ground was the reporting of friends and neighbours. Nobody is suggesting loyalty to a regime, merely trying to curb the spread of a virus which may shortly overwhelm NHS resources in some areas of the UK. I have family in London, including one who has been hospitalised a few times after the birth of her baby. I would hate to think that she wasn’t given adequate care due to a shortage of beds if London continues to rise.

queenofknives · 19/12/2020 16:59

They wont know it was you

But you'll know.

So it goes. From reporting on your daughter and friends, to lying about it and pretending you are loyal and trustworthy, while secretly knowing you're neither.

Nothing good can come of this.

Splann · 19/12/2020 17:00

Well London has just been put into tier 4 so I presume the party won’t be going ahead now?

diddl · 19/12/2020 17:01

@DeathinparadiseNo1fan

She could get fined thousands of pounds because of you Just butt out! DISGUSTING!
No, she could get fined if she decides to go.

Someone else could report.

user1471539324 · 19/12/2020 17:04

@queenofknives

They wont know it was you

But you'll know.

So it goes. From reporting on your daughter and friends, to lying about it and pretending you are loyal and trustworthy, while secretly knowing you're neither.

Nothing good can come of this.

But how would you cope if the virus was spread at the party? How would that weigh on your conscience? I would expect that the chances of someone actually dying as a result are slim, but I know several people who are struggling to get back to health after contracting covid. I would personally hate to feel partially responsible for that.

The daughter knows the risks of being caught. She is an adult and is still adamant that she’s going to go. Play stupid games and win stupid prizes.

ZooKeeper19 · 19/12/2020 17:06

@DannyODagree with what a few others have said. I'd tell her not to go and to be sensible and have compassion with the others. If she insists on going she gets to quarantine and come back with a negative test afterwards. That's the least she can do to protect you and others.

florascotia2 · 19/12/2020 17:11

Queen of Knives I'm probably older than you, because my mother was brought up during World War II. What she and others at the time experienced- danger every day; so many friends/neighbours/relatives killed - was much worse than what we are living through. It made her - although delicate and very pretty - really rather tough.

I can clearly remember her saying to me and my siblings that she would never stop loving us (whatever we did) and would help us whenever she could, but if we did really, really bad things, she would side with the appropriate authorities.
That was harsh, but perfectly reasonable. We had been warned.

I don't see why OP shouldn't take the same approach. The OP has not said she would lie about anything, so far as I can see. In fact she's been pretty upfront and told her daughter that she does not think she should go to the party. Her daughter is 21; the OP can't make her do anything. But she can warnl her what the consequences of daughter's irresponsible and selfish actions might be.

diddl · 19/12/2020 17:13

I'm sure that there are some who are really struggling with not being able to meet up & that Face Time & such as a poor substitution, but some seem to be acting as if it just wouldn't occur to them to do what they want when they want-ie have some thought for others.

I'd be really disappointed if I asked my daughter not to do something that could imapact me but they insisted that they would anyway.

GlowingOrb · 19/12/2020 17:14

Does she live with you?
If she does, I’d make it clear she won’t be returning to your home without a 14 day isolation somewhere if she attends this party. If she insists, I would advise her to pack her things before she goes.

LuaDipa · 19/12/2020 17:19

I can’t believe that anyone would be this irresponsible and I’m sort of wondering if this is a wind up to be honest but on the off chance it isn’t.

Unfortunately op if your dd is the same age as her friend she is an adult and you can’t stop her making her own choices. I wouldn’t report but I would speak to the mother and tell her in no uncertain terms that a party in this situation is absolutely ridiculous and that if those kids or their families became ill, she would be culpable. I would say exactly the same thing to my daughter. I’m not sure it would make a difference but I would feel I had at least tried to stop it.

JoBrodie · 19/12/2020 17:19

Reporting it doesn't seem that different from reporting a harmful or misleading advert to the Advertising Standards Authority or Trading Standards. The aim is to reduce harm so I can't see any problem with it.

Withdrawing your daughter from the party wouldn't be sufficient to prevent harm (at least it prevents potential new harm to her and your family if others are infected, or to the other party-goers if she happens to be infectious) so it would seem more logical to try and get the party stopped.

At least the 'not your business' opinions are easier to ignore than a persistent cough and rising temperature.

Jo

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 19/12/2020 17:20

I understand people needing to socialise and see friends.

But a birthday party with 20 people is not a need, it's a want from someone with no social responsibility whatsoever. I'd report

MaryLeeOnHigh · 19/12/2020 17:24

@NoSleepTil

You should mind your own business
It is OP's business.
MaryLeeOnHigh · 19/12/2020 17:25

Is it still going ahed after today's announcement?

yahyahs22 · 19/12/2020 17:28

Woah are you serious? NO you don't report them. Blimey what has happened to people in this world?!

PleasantVille · 19/12/2020 17:30

@Thespidersweb

Your phone the police on your own child?

Ffs. What’s up OP wasn’t you invited..

What a stupid childish comment, are you so dense that you don't understand the risk of super spreader events in what will be a Tier 4 area due to a new variant virus
Bloodypunkrockers · 19/12/2020 17:34

I would report in a heartbeat

All the posters with their MYOB shite. You're a disgrace and we'll never get past this while some people turn a blind eye.

As for the comparisons to nazi Germany. Disgusting and frankly says all there needs to be said about your intelligence

florascotia2 · 19/12/2020 17:38

yahyahs
Nothing has 'happened'. The OP has been put in a difficult situation by her 21 year old daughter, who wants to behave in a irresponsible and criminally anti-social way. In a way that has (statistically speaking) a greater potential to KILL less healthy people, older people, BAME people, people with various illnesses and disabilities. And also to harm the remarkable doctors, nurses and care workers who have been working so selflessly to look after them.

Decent people have always been socially responsible. Throughout history. The OP seems like one of them, concerned to stop the spread of a deadly virus. Nothing has changed.

Therssalwaysachoice · 19/12/2020 17:54

I’d report it.

FTEngineerM · 19/12/2020 17:57

Also, from a virus spreading perspective it’s totally pointless reporting.

  1. as far as I’m aware there’s no way to stop it happening, ‘conspiring to have a gathering’ isn’t a crime.

  2. reporting whilst they’re all there is after they’ve all been in contact so any transfer of virus would probably have taken place.

What exactly do you gain? Nothing but knowing a few young kids having their evening ruined half way through and may need to pay for it.

AIMD · 19/12/2020 18:00

Pop a status about it on your local Facebook page stating the area. I’m sure there be a big local backlash and maybe that’ll put them off having it. ?

FiveToFour · 19/12/2020 18:04

FTEngineerM, of course there is a point in reporting.The longer they are in contact,the greater the risk of transmission.
If the party gets broken up straight away the risk will be less.

ForestNymph · 19/12/2020 18:05

@FTEngineerM

Also, from a virus spreading perspective it’s totally pointless reporting.

  1. as far as I’m aware there’s no way to stop it happening, ‘conspiring to have a gathering’ isn’t a crime.

  2. reporting whilst they’re all there is after they’ve all been in contact so any transfer of virus would probably have taken place.

What exactly do you gain? Nothing but knowing a few young kids having their evening ruined half way through and may need to pay for it.

People gain a sense of self righteousness and moral superiority
Sirzy · 19/12/2020 18:05

Our local police have done visits to places known to be planning a party to warn them don’t do it so contacting them in advance is well worth it.