No longer a size 6

[Bogfrog]

I met my husband when we were 22. I was a v slim size 6.
We are now late thirties and have 2 kids. I weigh more, have more bumps and I’m
a size 8-10. I exercise approx 5 times a week and don’t eat too many puddings but certainly enjoy my food and wine.
He is now instigating sex less and my confidence is shot after he said there’s a sliding scale of who he finds attractive with a size 6 being the pinnacle.
I am hurt and horrified. He says he still fancies me but I still feel really upset.
AIBU to reconsider the future of our otherwise happy marriage?

What’s with all the skinny shaming comments! You are as bad as op’s Dh!

The gay comment is bizarre.

It depends how tall you are, what shape you are at that size!

The I see lots of women that size naked and they (essentially) look like men is indeed a weird and unpleasant comment.

Some people just like upsetting others.

OP that was a really shit thing for him to say. Say ok you'd be happier then leaving and getting your size 6 because you don't want me the mother of your children and supposed life partner, you just want a generic body.

I guess I wanted to know if other husbands have said similar, if other people think they could get over it etc.
I feel too embarrassed to talk to friends about it.
I’m just v emotional and wanted to let it out.
He knows how I feel although we haven’t spoken since this morning.

@WillSantaBeComingToTown if your job involves you seeing women naked and then you come on here and slate them, you need to re think your career. That’s woefully unprofessional

he said there’s a sliding scale of who he finds attractive with a size 6 being the pinnacle

There is a line between being honest about what you find attractive (which is fine) and being so prescriptive about it - and attaching conditions and consequences to it - that it becomes controlling.

I think your DH is on the wrong side of that line, and I'm really sorry that he's making you feel so rubbish. He should have more respect for you and be kinder, tbh.

I had this for years! Why are you not a size 8 anymore? ( I’d given him two children and was 10 years older)
You need to loose weight! ( I was a size ten)
He criticised everything I did, I didn’t run fast enough, far enough etc etc. ( he was a gym bunny)

It’s very damaging! I divorced him 😊 not just for that reason, but don’t underestimate how depressing it gets over time.

Oh and I’m a size 6 and am neither androgynous and I’m quite sure gay men don’t find me attractive. This is just absurd!! Kylie Minnogue is a size 6.

Tell him to fuck off and buy a sex robot if body size is all that matters.

I was a 6/8 when we met (I'm short and was going through a fun time of living on cigarettes, white wine and going out ). I've been 5 stone heavier than I was then, 12 stone is very big on my frame. After the kids when I was depressed. Now I'm a 10/12. He's always fancied me.

I could beat being around somone like that let alone being married to him. He sounds fucking awful. Imagine being this vacuous.

I also can't imagine saying this to a partner. Knowing they will be hurt by it. He's hurt you on purpose.

Size 6 ? That’s a child size? Most men want a bit of shape on them?

If my husband ever told me he found smaller, slimmer women more attractive than me, then I would bin him.

What a superficial arse.

Is it because he's small and slight himself, and he likes to be appear big, strong and manly, next to his tiny wife?

It's bizarre that he can make comments like that and expect you to be okay with it. Does he realise how upset you are?

I guess I wanted to know if other husbands have said similar, if other people think they could get over it etc.

I don't think it is too common for partners to bluntly tell the other one that they fancy them less because of their very slight weight gain. He sounds like an insensitive arse.

Yes I was absolutely pushing to find out why he instigates less. So yes I suppose it’s my fault

Hmm no I don’t think this makes it your fault. I think if you’d asked him directly “did you like it when I was thinner” and pushed and pushed and he’d eventually said yes.... then maybe. But simply asking why he’s not as keen on sex - he didn’t have to bring your size into it.

Surely he must appreciate that only finding size 6 women attractive is unsustainable and unrealistic, especially post children?

Omg so rude! Sorry not saying that if someone were terribly over weight that their partner would be wrong to have any thoughts or opinions on it, but that is a different subject. But oh my god I have never been nor will I ever be your size! Now I know that it can look different on different people, but that size is slim or very slim if tall!
I would not feel good having that said to me.

I guess I wanted to know if other husbands have said similar, if other people think they could get over it

I was very, very slim when I first starting dating DH. I've put weight on over the years and having children etc. although I'm not exactly overweight. He's never mentioned it once in over 20 years, he still fancies me, it couldn't be further from an issue.

I would find it extremely hard to hear the person I love criticising the way I looked, so deep into our relationship/marriage.

He sounds a bit weird. Size 6 is exceptionally tiny.

I also personally find it very odd and quite controlling when men (&I've never heard it from women) have such strong narrow prefrences on what the find attractive. I think loads of different types of people and body shapes are attractive. I really can't imagine being like I only like a size 32 waist for example. I just don't think you hear this from women in the same way. Which for me as a feminist says quite a lot.

Buy him a stick insect.

It's bizarre that he can make comments like that and expect you to be okay with it

Yes, this.

I brought weight into it because I suspected that was the reason - he comments on people’s weight a lot and made no secret of his utter adoration for my flat stomach pre kids.

Jesus christ, size 6 is not a child's size! Danni Dyer is a size 6, Kylie Minnogue is a size 6. Grown women! Attractive, heterosexual men fancy them. I know we're trying to help the Op (whose husband is an arse). But do we need all the skinny shaming?
Lets not be judgemental about any size!

@Bogfrog

No my husband would never say that about me, he says nothing but positive things about the way I look abs I’ve had two kids so not the same as when we met. Your husband isn’t kind.

he comments on people’s weight a lot and made no secret of his utter adoration for my flat stomach pre kids

Right. On balance, I'd say that he sounds like a bit of shallow, mean little shit tbh.

Based on what you say, I doubt he meant to hurt you, so of course you shouldn't reconsider your marriage because of one or two stupid remarks. It's the unfortunate truth that most of us become less "hot" as we age, from a purely physical reckoning, but that doesn't mean we're not attractive.

I think in your place I'd tell your husband how his comment has made you feel. He should have already known, but sometimes people are clueless and need it spelled out in black and white. If he loves you and wants you to be happy (and wants you to be "in the mood"), he shouldn't tell you things that almost anyone would find hurtful.

If this is becomes more of an on-going conversation, I'd take a different approach. Remind him that when you were a size 6 you were skipping meals and smoking more. Isn't your health more important than being a size 6?

Ask him to fuck off! Such a dick!

Does he expect you to be a size 6 all your life? That's such a sad life! Got forbid, what if you develop a condition that reduces mobility or something hormonal that makes you gain weight? Does he expect you to starve???

If he stayed the same size all his life, that's because he wants to (I assume you too dont have such ridiculous expectations) AND he didnt have all the body changes popping two kids out.