Neighbours beat up my mother in law- what should we do?

[LangClegTheBeardedVulture]

Posting for traffic.

My MIL has lived in her home for around 10 years. Semi detached bungalow in a cul-de-sac.

Last year a young couple moved into the adjoining house and had a baby. My MIL has been complaining about them being noisy for a while and the police have been involved (in what capacity I don’t really know).

My MIL is convinced this couple want to drive her from her house so they can buy it and knock through as the guy’s a builder.

Anyway, this situation has been going on for a while and has been getting steadily worse, especially during lockdown; MIL lives on her own and we haven’t been able to visit, neither have her 2 sisters.

Yesterday, my MIL went out and came home to find a garden ornament she had on her front lawn had been broken; she blamed the neighbour and began throwing bits of it into their garden in a temper. The guy came out and they started shouting at each other and at some point my MIL hit him.

He then hit her back and two women came out of his house and also joined in and they beat her up.

When the police came they asked the man if he wanted to press charges as MIL started the fight. She is about 5ft tall and 71 years old and has been beaten black and blue- DH has taken photos of her injuries.

However, I think some of the previous incidents with the neighbour may not be quite as she has described. She may be experiencing some cognitive decline which lockdown has exacerbated- but as we don’t see her often it is hard to be sure. We’ve not noticed any bad behaviour from those neighbours when we’ve been at her house but she says it’s because they know we’re there so they keep quiet. She’s also not always the easiest woman to be around, she is stubborn and can be a very black and white thinker- she’s had various disputes with other neighbours about parking and other matters which are pretty trivial and I’d probably have just let go.

We do not want this situation to escalate and feel the best thing would be for her to sell the house and move, either closer to us or closer to her younger sisters- she, understandably, doesn’t want to be driven from her home by these people. It’s hard for DH to keep an eye on her as he can’t drive and there is no one else who can help as she is NC with her daughter and her sisters are 100 miles away. I’m getting very worried about her safety and mental health. If we had a spare room she’d be welcome to live with us, at least for a while, but that isn’t a possibility atm.

I’m just looking for advice on how best to help with the situation. Short term, we want her to feel safe, in the long term we want to make sure she’s close to family so she’s less isolated and we can step in and help. We also don’t want this situation to escalate further.
Any and all advice welcome. DH is really worried.

I agree with @Handsoffstrikesagain just have a chat with Neighbours and see what’s happening
I don’t agree with how they hurt you MIL but I also don’t thing MIL should have hit him either sounds likely her mental health or age related illness is declining xx

Set up CCTV to back up your claims, however your MIL shouldn't have hit them first. Not matter the age she shouldn't go round hitting people and not expect any push back.

I would not say dispute, because that means both of them arguing. And there is a potential this is all your mil. Not them. It reads like you think they are also at fault and potentially that’s not the case.

I’d say

I understand there has been some issues, and my husband and I are concerned about v.

We wonder if you’d be open to speaking to us so we can get a better idea of what’s been going on and to support ensuring nothing further arises.

Keep it reasonable and don’t make it look like you think they are partly to blame. Because if you do they are going to tell you to do one.

It's sounds horrendous but it sounds like your MIL is a very difficult neighbour. It sounds very much like she needs some support. Have you been in touch with her GP?

You're not getting the full story here. I'd be going to stay with her for a couple of weeks to assess the situation and see for myself what the neighbours are like.

Why has nobody in the family formed a bubble with her? Has she been alone this whole time? 8 month alone can exacerbate dementia and other illnesses extremely badly.

I’d raise a safeguarding alert and see if they will step in. They can assess her to see if there is anything they can do to help.

I wouldn't get involved with the neighbours. Ring the police and ask what happened. Also ask if they've reported it to social services for an assessment of her health.

There is only Mil's word for it that the police were there at all as far as I can see so the OP's DH needs to contact the Police too to find out what actually happened.

Pp who are taking her version of events as gospel have not had to deal with someone with dementia. This whole scenario reminds me very much of my late mother's behaviour. Obviously I don't know that this is the case but it needs investigating.

Very messy.

Sounds like she's been bullying a young family with a new baby, presumably when they're feeling quite stressed and vulnerable anyway. And then she started a fight that she lost. Unless you think she actually has dementia (in which case, one if her children should have done something about a long time ago) her age has nothing to do with it. You cant keep bullying someone and expect them not to retaliate, no matter how old you are.
Her version of events doesn't really add up either. three young people beat up a 71 year old, she should be in hospital, she can't have looked that bad if the police asked a young man if he wanted to press charges against her. So I'd hazard a guess she gave at least as good as she got.

Your letter sounds good, you need to know what's actually happening, but you really need to be looking at moving her out of that house.

Just wondering is there any chance she may have fallen on the stairs, rather than being beaten?

I think it's a good note but perhaps include something like

We're open minded as to what has happened compared to what MIL has told us.

?

What an awful situation

Hi @LangClegTheBeardedVulture

Firstly - I just want to say you are coming across as very reasonable, caring, and balanced. I am so sorry you and your DH have this on your plate.

Regarding the letter, I agree with @Bluntness100.

Keep it to three lines, introducing yourself and then saying exactly what Bluntness said. Then sign off with your contact details.

Don't put too much in writing anyway in this situation but the language Bluntness used is very neutral. If they reply in a bonkers way to that letter then you'll have some measure of them.

It would be great if the police could tell you what went on as well, from their PoV but I wouldn't hold out too much hope. Maybe stopping by the station, if you can, would produce a better result than over the phone. This is something that I would consider.

Also, @Needmoresleep has given you an excellent road map for other important next steps.

Good luck!

Unless you think she actually has dementia (in which case, one if her children should have done something about a long time ago)
How? It isn't always obvious, especially if the person is difficult to get on with at the best of times.

I wouldnt put in a letter that you know there have been disputes for sometime. They may wonder why its been allowed to continue if you were aware. I would contact the police first to see if they were even called. The ndn may also want to know what you plan to do and may have cctv themselves. If you can visit her tomorrow they may also wonder why you havent visited before so I wouldnt put that in the letter either. L

OVienna makes a good point about actually going to the police station, it can be very difficult to get through to speak to the Police in a non emergency situation if you don't have the name of any of the officers who dealt with it. Not a bash at Police officers, I know they are stretched.

Keep it to three lines, introducing yourself and then saying exactly what Bluntness said. Then sign off with your contact details.

Agree. The letter needs to be totally neutral.

The most likely explanation here is that your MIL is at fault. Not just regarding this incident but has mounted a "campaign" of abuse against them

If you want to de-escalate the situation then you can't even hint at it being their fault at this point in time.

They need to see you as someone they can speak to without being accused of anything and making matters worse for them re: having not only MIL to deal with but her DS/DIL also.

Of course there is the chance that some of what your MIL is claiming is true, but you'll only get a feel for that if you can open a dialogue with them.

What's really concerning is that we know MIL hit first. She's lucky to come out of this with what look like restraint bruising.

Next time she might pick on someone who would have no compunction in pushing her away hard to the extent she falls and is seriously hurt or being hit back forcefully.

So yes first establish the facts then investigate why she's behaving this way - because her aggression is more dangerous to herself than anyone else.

I can't help but compare it to the young man who was brutally beaten by a group of TWs. He made a remark to the effect that they weren't women as he was passing them. They turned round and followed him and then beat him up viciously in the underground. THEY STAMPED ON HIS HEAD!!!

The magistrate/judge effectively said he's brought it on himself and they were given derisory punishments.
I dont really see the relevance of this story. The victim in the above incident made unprovoked racist and transphobic remarks at a group of strangers, who ultimately responded by attacking him (quite viciously, although no serious injuries). The victim also refused to cooperate with police.

That the attackers were drunk and obviously provoked were significant mitigating factors for sentencing

send Bluntness' letter, it's better than your draft.
get cctv.
let the neighbours talk and just listen.

@MitziK I do not think she'd harm my children but obviously I can't say that with absolute certainty. However, I would believe my children if they told me an adult had hit them- they're 8 and 5 yo and would not make something like that up.

@Nottherealslimshady Her children haven't done something about the situation because one of them is NC and the other can't drive to get to her.

@MrDarcysMa
Staying with her for a few weeks wouldn't be possible for either me or my DH- she has a 1 bedroom house and we have full-time jobs and primary age children. However, I am going over tomorrow to make sure she's all right and to try to find out what's going on. I could possibly stay the night on the sofa.

We didn't bubble with her as we were already in a bubble with my DM and DDad, who live down the road from us.

youre only supposed to bubble with a single person household unless youre their carers?

sounds like shes got some mental health issues and her version could be skewed so i think the note makes sense

Hi Op
I think your mother in Law could have dementia or Altermenzia deterioting age related mind disorder condition.

I think you and your husband need to find out if this is the case,as people with this disorder can be unreasonable,difficult,etc
,even tho it was obiously wrong for yourc mother in law, to do what she did,(her neighbour Assaulting her, a elderly woman in her very 70s,especially being a man he is obviously going to be lot stronger and the two woman living with him joining in too,
Why didnt the police also question/mention about these aspects also of this incident. Also..???

Your mother does need to have extra support contact ,Adult social services to see what options are available to help her in whatever way, also Age concern charity find out what services,they offer too.

Whilst mother in law lives where she at,obviously she needs CTV,
Find out with Mind mental health charity or Age concern charity etc,if they have Befriending scheme which is someone who volunteers with a recognised charity,

I am not sure if independent living is something your mother in law can cope with anymore?
is she able to cook clean etc herself?
The thing is what if she moves somewhere independently and she loses her temper,patience again?she cause of mental state of well being vunerable at risk of abuse like what happened previously..

Best of luck...

You dont know they 'piled on' and are saying she was throwing things into their garden and hit the man first? The police would have investigated more if they really thought she had been beaten up.

I think MIL has dementia and is a nightmare neighbour, what to do about it is harder.

I think the note to the neighbours with Bluntness100's tweaks is the best way forward.

Good luck OP.

If a 71 year hit me I’d restrain them rather than beat them senseless.

If you/ your husband are unable to help her or visit because of work/ kids then I would contact social services. She should not be left alone like this, she is either very unwell and acting out, or is being assaulted by dangerous neighbours. I'm sorry but If I was your DH I would make time to go and stay with her. She needs help.