Neighbours beat up my mother in law- what should we do?

[LangClegTheBeardedVulture]

Posting for traffic.

My MIL has lived in her home for around 10 years. Semi detached bungalow in a cul-de-sac.

Last year a young couple moved into the adjoining house and had a baby. My MIL has been complaining about them being noisy for a while and the police have been involved (in what capacity I don’t really know).

My MIL is convinced this couple want to drive her from her house so they can buy it and knock through as the guy’s a builder.

Anyway, this situation has been going on for a while and has been getting steadily worse, especially during lockdown; MIL lives on her own and we haven’t been able to visit, neither have her 2 sisters.

Yesterday, my MIL went out and came home to find a garden ornament she had on her front lawn had been broken; she blamed the neighbour and began throwing bits of it into their garden in a temper. The guy came out and they started shouting at each other and at some point my MIL hit him.

He then hit her back and two women came out of his house and also joined in and they beat her up.

When the police came they asked the man if he wanted to press charges as MIL started the fight. She is about 5ft tall and 71 years old and has been beaten black and blue- DH has taken photos of her injuries.

However, I think some of the previous incidents with the neighbour may not be quite as she has described. She may be experiencing some cognitive decline which lockdown has exacerbated- but as we don’t see her often it is hard to be sure. We’ve not noticed any bad behaviour from those neighbours when we’ve been at her house but she says it’s because they know we’re there so they keep quiet. She’s also not always the easiest woman to be around, she is stubborn and can be a very black and white thinker- she’s had various disputes with other neighbours about parking and other matters which are pretty trivial and I’d probably have just let go.

We do not want this situation to escalate and feel the best thing would be for her to sell the house and move, either closer to us or closer to her younger sisters- she, understandably, doesn’t want to be driven from her home by these people. It’s hard for DH to keep an eye on her as he can’t drive and there is no one else who can help as she is NC with her daughter and her sisters are 100 miles away. I’m getting very worried about her safety and mental health. If we had a spare room she’d be welcome to live with us, at least for a while, but that isn’t a possibility atm.

I’m just looking for advice on how best to help with the situation. Short term, we want her to feel safe, in the long term we want to make sure she’s close to family so she’s less isolated and we can step in and help. We also don’t want this situation to escalate further.
Any and all advice welcome. DH is really worried.

From experience, the only way the police would refuse to press charges against any of the neighbours is if it did not happen the way you’ve been led to believe. There is no way they would let 3 people off with beating an elderly woman black and blue regardless of who threw the first punch. Either you’re lying or this is a crock of shit made up to stir the froth of MN.

*Either you’re being lied to

@Grenlei

This is largely conjecture.

No one knows if this lady is cognitively impaired. Even if she is, she's still been assaulted.

I find it worrying how so many people are playing down her injuries as basically self inflicted...would you be happy to visit a relative in hospital or care home and find them black and blue?! I suspect not. So why is this different?

Whilst I agree there is a lot of conjecture, I don't think posters are trying to play down her injuries.

However, chest and arm bruising doesn't fit with being "beaten up" it is though consistent with being pushed away and restrained.

This would also explain why the police haven't taken any action against the neighbours.

Regardless of who started it they'd take a very dim view of multiple people beating up an old lady.

So based on the evidence it seems far more likely that the MIL was the aggressor in this situation.

What we don't know is why. Early stages of dementia? MH issues exacerbated by lockdown?

I'd agree that the DH should try and speak to the police to get their account of the incident. A CCTV is also a good idea.

But there's obviously a lot of other issues aside from the incident that would suggest she might need (probably does need) a referral to adult SS.

Get a dementia assessment, OP.

We had an old lady living up the road who was very peaceful and would say 'Hello'

One day, I saw her banging furiously on her windows from outside, then banging on parked car windows.. She was shouting ''Let me in!''

Poor woman had about six cardigans on, on a sweltering day.

I asked if she was locked out? ..She responded ''Go away! I don't know you!''..It was clear there was no one in her front room, and I was worried she'd put a fist through the brittle 19th century glass she was banging on, and sever an artery.
I managed to get a neighbour, who said the old lady raves and shouts the entire night long...It was so sad to hear.

Eventually we found her daughter, but none of us could get near the old lady. She'd shout swear and threaten.
Eventually she was coaxed up the path by her daughter, and into her home, but had to go to Care after that.
It looked like being stuck in a permanent ''bad trip''.

We have one one these outside. Looks like a floodlight but is a camera too. You can access via app at any time and it will record if there is movement within a set zone. It would be useful for checking noise levels at any time.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Netatmo-Integrated-Floodlight-Detection-Presence/dp/B01LY7NQ8D/ref=ascdff_B01LY7NQ8D/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=214460736935&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=157675872729351423&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9045999&hvtargid=pla-431749127498&psc=1

@Grenlei

This is largely conjecture.

No one knows if this lady is cognitively impaired. Even if she is, she's still been assaulted.

I find it worrying how so many people are playing down her injuries as basically self inflicted...would you be happy to visit a relative in hospital or care home and find them black and blue?! I suspect not. So why is this different?

Educated guess. No way on earth police turned up and decided that it was ok for three able bodied young adults to beat the shit out of an old lady because she threw the first punch. No way at all. Not even slightly did that happen.

Also her injuries are aligned with being pushed and grabbed, which is what you do when you’re trying to pull someone off you/push them away.

The op also says she thinks her Congnitive ability has declined. I think it’s a bit rude to tell her she’s no clue. Don’t you?

No one has played down her injuries, in fact the majority of folks have said she needs help and to get her gp in to assess her, snd to speak to either the police or the neighbours to clarify what has occured.

@Grenlei

This is largely conjecture.

No one knows if this lady is cognitively impaired. Even if she is, she's still been assaulted.

I find it worrying how so many people are playing down her injuries as basically self inflicted...would you be happy to visit a relative in hospital or care home and find them black and blue?! I suspect not. So why is this different?

Her injuries as described by OP are not consistent with assault. They are consistent with being restrained. No way would the police let this go if she had injuries consistent with assault

Two points that may be worth considering OP.

First, I don't think anyone has mentioned possible bladder infection. It may be worth getting this checked out just in case as bladder infections can cause similar symptoms to dementia - confusion, paranoia etc.

Second, a couple of people have mentioned sheltered housing. If she is developing some form of dementia, this may not be the best accommodation for someone paranoid and aggressive as it may not be staffed sufficiently to prevent altercations with other residents.

It's a horrible situation for you all if she is becoming ill.

I never told the OP she has no clue Bluntness. If you're going to have a dig at someone, at least try to read their posts.

The OP clearly said her MIL might have declined, but admits she's not seen her much this year. It's most of the posters on this thread who have rushed to diagnose her as suffering from dementia. It is those assumptions which are pure conjecture.

We have no idea what the police saw or heard, and we only have a 3rd hand account of what they said via the OPs MIL who is distressed and may also be confused.

It's clear from this thread many posters have decided the MIL is in the throes of dementia and any injuries were only the other 3 people protecting themselves. If that's the story the neighbours gave (whether true or not) that may be why the police took no action. Like I said, often they're all about the easy life not getting involved in neighbour disputes.

That's why it's important for the OP/ her DH to contact the police themselves and also take the further steps re CCTV etc advised by Keha above.

Just another thought about her chest injuries.

It is possible she was pushed away but perhaps what's even more likely is someone putting their hand/hands on her chest to keep her at arms length to prevent her hitting them (this especially fits with someone being bigger than her as they have a longer arm reach and I think most people would be wary of even pushing an old lady).

It also fits better with the women dashing out to restrain her arms as there would be less need to do that if she'd been physically pushed away hard enough to cause bruising.

I like the idea of putting a note with your phone number on it for the neighbours if you can confirm the above (or similar) with the police.

If this is what's happened they are probably shaken up and tbh fed up of MIL's behaviour. If they can contact your DH when incidents happen that's a lot better than the police continuously being involved and it enables your DH to be fully in the picture.

@user1495884620

Two points that may be worth considering OP.

First, I don't think anyone has mentioned possible bladder infection. It may be worth getting this checked out just in case as bladder infections can cause similar symptoms to dementia - confusion, paranoia etc.

Second, a couple of people have mentioned sheltered housing. If she is developing some form of dementia, this may not be the best accommodation for someone paranoid and aggressive as it may not be staffed sufficiently to prevent altercations with other residents.

It's a horrible situation for you all if she is becoming ill.

That's a very good point

Really think writing to the neighbours as suggested by a PP is a good idea. That way you might be able to build a more complete picture.

Auditory hallucinations do come with dementia. My grandfather was adamant he could hear a baby crying in his house before he was moved into residential care. It would keep him up all night because he would be searching and searching for this distressed child and couldn’t find them.

It is also worth checking for any signs of a water infection. Even a hint of dementia can spiral downwards hugely when a water infection is present.

Hope you find something that helps with this really difficult situation OP

So sorry you are having to deal with this op. In addition to great advice above wanted to add that the police are stretched beyond belief at the moment, Covid is making arrests difficult and station cell/ booking in impossible at times. A lot of incidents like this (whatever the rights and wrongs) are being dealt with completely differently now.
Eg I had attempted arson by homeless woman on my street a few weeks ago in the dead of night. She was spoken to by police who took her lighter and let go on her way. I’m at the criminal bar and have done trials where exact same scenario has led to lengthy custody / mental health orders etc.
Hope you manage to get your mil to consider moving so you can have a better eye and be better support. It’s so tough particularly where stubbornness creeps in with associated mental health issues.

Very difficult situation OP.

Does sound like the start of dementia. Very awkward to get her medical help if she is resistant.

No one knows if this lady is cognitively impaired. Even if she is, she's still been assaulted

You don't know that, at all. What you do know is that the old lady hit someone, who may or may not have hit her back. And you know that police attended at it was the old lady in danger of being charged, not the neighbours.

Are you suggesting that the police attended, the evidence pointed to the old lady having been assaulted, and they chose to do nothing but threaten to charge HER? Does that sound likely to you?

One possible course of action is a complaint to the police about the fact that the people who beat MIL up have not been charged. It would be advisable to get a medical opinion/evidence relating to her injuries and also her mental state.

I think the idea of putting a note through the neighbours door with your contact details is a really good idea, personally I would put my email rather than a phone number.
Your DH needs to ring and try to speak to the police, to check that they did actually attend and their take on any events that happened.

@Redburnett

One possible course of action is a complaint to the police about the fact that the people who beat MIL up have not been charged. It would be advisable to get a medical opinion/evidence relating to her injuries and also her mental state.

The last thing the OP should be doing is making a police complaint until MIL's version of events has been corroborated - because her version of events and injuries do not support the "facts" as she's described them.

Obviously the first priority is to call the police to ascertain what occurred.

However, based on what the OP has posted - that fits with the police not arresting the neighbours and her injuries - is that the most likely explanation is that MIL hit the neighbour in a very agitated state (after throwing lumps of ornaments around - dangerously?). He then placed his hand(s) on her chest to keep her at arms length to stop her hitting him (causing chest bruises) then the two women came outside and held her arms to restrain her from both hitting/throwing rocks around.

If 3 people had beaten her up she'd have many, many bruises everywhere. Same if she'd been pushed and fallen.

Equally the police would not have taken no action against 3 young adults beating up a 71 year old simply because she lashed out first - because that goes well beyond a proportional response to being hit by someone in self defence.

How does this sound for a letter to the neighbours involved in this:

Dear Mrs and Mrs X

I hope you’re both well.

My name is L. Your neighbour, V, is my mother in law.

I understand there’s some sort of dispute between V and your family for some time; my husband and I are becoming very concerned due to the incident which took place a few days ago.

The last thing we want is for further incidents to happen or for things to escalate further. We wondered if you’d be open to speaking with us so we can get a fuller picture of what has been going on, as due to lockdown we have not had a great deal of contact with V.

My contact details are as follows:

Yours sincerely
L"

I can go round tomorrow to check up on her and drop the note in whilst I'm there.

I think that's a good note.

I think if they do contact you then you need to discuss how you're worried about some sort of cognitive decline.

That sounds like a very reasonable note.

When the police came they asked the man if he wanted to press charges as MIL started the fight. She is about 5ft tall and 71 years old and has been beaten black and blue

Jesus Christ... If this gets followed just a short way to its natural conclusion we'll be getting the police asking parents if they want to sue because their three year old hit them

Unfortunately she just handed them an early Christmas present. People like that know very well that if they can bait someone into losing it and lashing out - 99.9999% of the time someone much smaller and weaker of course - then they can beat the shit out of them because "she started it". Common sense left our country some time ago.

@BuntysTwinkle

When the police came they asked the man if he wanted to press charges as MIL started the fight. She is about 5ft tall and 71 years old and has been beaten black and blue

Jesus Christ... If this gets followed just a short way to its natural conclusion we'll be getting the police asking parents if they want to sue because their three year old hit them

Unfortunately she just handed them an early Christmas present. People like that know very well that if they can bait someone into losing it and lashing out - 99.9999% of the time someone much smaller and weaker of course - then they can beat the shit out of them because "she started it". Common sense left our country some time ago.

MIL wasn't beaten the shit oit of. Her injuries in no way support that.1

My mother would attack people and then cry like a baby to any man within range that they'd attacked her, including if she'd fallen flat on her face due to abusing painkillers or because they quite reasonably didn't want to get attacked with weapons/gardening tools/etc and had pushed her away or held her wrists.

The CCTV would establish if she is being completely accurate in her descriptions of what happens or whether she's gilding the lily a trifle.

You don't want somebody who loses their temper and attacks fully grown men around your children, as they're small and far easier targets who won't be believed if they say 'Nanny pushed/punched/smacked me', so they're even more at risk when she's prepared to launch at a fit adult.

But the CCTV would at least give you an idea of what is really going on, which might mean a different course of action. Just make sure it's fitted well above what she could reach.