Neighbours beat up my mother in law- what should we do?

[LangClegTheBeardedVulture]

Posting for traffic.

My MIL has lived in her home for around 10 years. Semi detached bungalow in a cul-de-sac.

Last year a young couple moved into the adjoining house and had a baby. My MIL has been complaining about them being noisy for a while and the police have been involved (in what capacity I don’t really know).

My MIL is convinced this couple want to drive her from her house so they can buy it and knock through as the guy’s a builder.

Anyway, this situation has been going on for a while and has been getting steadily worse, especially during lockdown; MIL lives on her own and we haven’t been able to visit, neither have her 2 sisters.

Yesterday, my MIL went out and came home to find a garden ornament she had on her front lawn had been broken; she blamed the neighbour and began throwing bits of it into their garden in a temper. The guy came out and they started shouting at each other and at some point my MIL hit him.

He then hit her back and two women came out of his house and also joined in and they beat her up.

When the police came they asked the man if he wanted to press charges as MIL started the fight. She is about 5ft tall and 71 years old and has been beaten black and blue- DH has taken photos of her injuries.

However, I think some of the previous incidents with the neighbour may not be quite as she has described. She may be experiencing some cognitive decline which lockdown has exacerbated- but as we don’t see her often it is hard to be sure. We’ve not noticed any bad behaviour from those neighbours when we’ve been at her house but she says it’s because they know we’re there so they keep quiet. She’s also not always the easiest woman to be around, she is stubborn and can be a very black and white thinker- she’s had various disputes with other neighbours about parking and other matters which are pretty trivial and I’d probably have just let go.

We do not want this situation to escalate and feel the best thing would be for her to sell the house and move, either closer to us or closer to her younger sisters- she, understandably, doesn’t want to be driven from her home by these people. It’s hard for DH to keep an eye on her as he can’t drive and there is no one else who can help as she is NC with her daughter and her sisters are 100 miles away. I’m getting very worried about her safety and mental health. If we had a spare room she’d be welcome to live with us, at least for a while, but that isn’t a possibility atm.

I’m just looking for advice on how best to help with the situation. Short term, we want her to feel safe, in the long term we want to make sure she’s close to family so she’s less isolated and we can step in and help. We also don’t want this situation to escalate further.
Any and all advice welcome. DH is really worried.

Tbh, I think I would contact the police and discuss her MH history and ask them to instigate a MH welfare check. This would then take it all out of your hands. It sounds like there is definitely an underlying MH pathology with this family and if the police are unwilling to go there, perhaps you can find out her GP’s contact details and call them.

She started it OP she starting chucking things in the neighbours garden then attacked the poor guy! Being a small female doesn't mean you can attack people.

Just finished reading this... wow, about the only thing I can say OP, is that you are doing the right thing by keeping an open mind and trying to get all of the facts.

In addition to the neighbors, I’d also see if you could get a copy of the police report or talk to the officer that responded. They get the situation right more times than they don’t and may be able to help put the pieces together. Regardless it sounds like a visit with her doctor is in order for the physical bruising, so maybe you can convince her to go, then if possible a call to them to voice your concern.

I don't think many people realise how hard it s for an ordinary person to restrain another adult. Even if they are only 5' 0"

As part of my work I had to occasionally (and after full training) restrain quite young children. It 's hard to explain to anyone how much damage a seven year old can do to an adult, and how much strength an adult has to use to restrain a disturbed and angry child with no 'off switch'.

It's highly likely that those bruises were caused by whoever was trying to prevent her from hitting the first person.

I spoke to her on the phone tonight and I’m still not entirely clear what her version of events is as she said the man hit her, and then later the two women knocked on her door and attacked her in her hallway.

She also said the neighbours have been recording noises and playing them on a loop. She specifically mentioned the sound of marbles hitting the skirtings over and over. She said she used to turn the TV up to drown out the noises but the police told her not to do it anymore.

She is visiting her sisters for Xmas and will be gone a few weeks. Her sisters cared for their mum and will hopefully recognise there’s something wrong. While she is gone I’ll contact the neighbours.

The only way you're going to find out is if someone goes to stay with her for a night or two, but arrives and remains there without being seen by the neighbours. If they really are trying to drive her mad with noise, that's the only way you'll know.

Beaten black and blue or bruised from having to be restrained ? The two are very different

I don't think many people realise how hard it s for an ordinary person to restrain another adult. Even if they are only 5' 0

This ^^

I am 5ft 3" and after too much drink had a mental breakdown, i had to be restrained by my friend and he is a 6ft 7" bodybuilder. He didn't use any excessive force and never hit me, but because i was going wild and lashing out it left me absolutely black and blue. Entirely my own doing.

Well done OP for doing the right thing and understanding that MIL is likely making life difficult for these people, i really hope they didn't do anything as malicious as she thinks. If they did i hope they face the consequences. I think both MIL and the neighbours are lucky to have you in the situation.

Sometimes when people get older they act in out of character ways and it often involves cognitive decline. It does not sound as if she is no longer safe to live alone anymore. Would she be open to moving closer to family so it is easier to.bidiy and help her.

Your poor MIL that's horrific and inexcusable.

I do think she needs to move. But she does sound like a total nightmare neighbour, so maybe somewhere where there's no one else around. Sorry but she sounds like a real troublemaker (but did not deserve to be beaten up)

@WorrierorWarrior

A person of 70+ has been bruised. I don't think it is acceptable that anyone should bruise a person of that age. Maybe the MIL had reached the end of the line with NDN. They have a baby, babies cry and that can be really annoying when a person is trying to sleep or watch a tv program. I would not rule out the statement that the neighbours may be trying to get MIL to move away so that they can buy/take over the house. It is not unheard of for neighbours to make life so unbearable that a person has to move. Nor is it unheard of for neighbours to have an eye on a house belonging to an older person either for themselves or for a family member of theirs. If OP is going to visit tomorrow maybe she should park her car a few streets away and try to arrive at MIL's house unseen to find out if the NDN are being difficult thinking the old dear is in the house alone.

You really need to read the rest of OP's post. If you try to restrain a 70 yo person the odds are extremely high that you will bruise them or tear their skin. Its glaringly obvious from OP's subsequent posts that there is obvious mental health issues in Vascular dementia. Either way you can't go around assaulting people which Mil did

Apols if already suggested, but install CCTV around her property and/or a Ring Doorbell - keep an eye on HER behaviour. Her daughter being NC says a lot too.

@LangClegTheBeardedVulture

I spoke to her on the phone tonight and I’m still not entirely clear what her version of events is as she said the man hit her, and then later the two women knocked on her door and attacked her in her hallway.

She also said the neighbours have been recording noises and playing them on a loop. She specifically mentioned the sound of marbles hitting the skirtings over and over. She said she used to turn the TV up to drown out the noises but the police told her not to do it anymore.

She is visiting her sisters for Xmas and will be gone a few weeks. Her sisters cared for their mum and will hopefully recognise there’s something wrong. While she is gone I’ll contact the neighbours.

Oh dear OP.

That still doesn't add up in explaining the police response and her bruising.

The "marbles" sounds are quite worrying in so far it's a sound that's not one a family would make but rather something a person would hear as a result of a loss of cognitive function.

It's really good she is going to her sisters. She's away from the neighbours and you can get family insight into her behaviour.

I think you need to be prepared however, because each time you post the evidence is further pointed towards your MIL being at fault.

The issue is understanding why she's behaving this way sand a trip to the GP should be a first step.

If she's a vulnerable person and lives alone she can get a link line bracelet with a red button that she can press if she needs any help she can even set up a 'code word' if she's in danger and the police will be called.

@WorrierorWarrior

A person of 70+ has been bruised. I don't think it is acceptable that anyone should bruise a person of that age. Maybe the MIL had reached the end of the line with NDN. They have a baby, babies cry and that can be really annoying when a person is trying to sleep or watch a tv program. I would not rule out the statement that the neighbours may be trying to get MIL to move away so that they can buy/take over the house. It is not unheard of for neighbours to make life so unbearable that a person has to move. Nor is it unheard of for neighbours to have an eye on a house belonging to an older person either for themselves or for a family member of theirs. If OP is going to visit tomorrow maybe she should park her car a few streets away and try to arrive at MIL's house unseen to find out if the NDN are being difficult thinking the old dear is in the house alone.

I personally extensively bruised my much loved 75 year old GF.

He'd had a stroke impacting his right side mobility.

In the garden, I saw his leg weaken and he started to fall.

I rushed to hold him up - under his armpit and an arm around his chest.

I was much smaller and could not support him and we both fell with me trying to protect him.

I had a small bruise where I'd landed on my bottom trying to shield my GF.

GF was covered in bruises from where I'd grabbed him (to protect him) on his armpit and the bruise migrated round his shoulder and also where I'd held his chest.

He had massive bruises on an arm I'd not touched from him trying to brace himself when he fell plus many more on his legs (especially his knees).

If the circumstances were not known or indeed witnessed by other family members it would have looked like I'd have beaten him up (not that family would think such a thing given I loved him dearly).

I was really upset by his injuries and felt awful but my DM and GM explained that if I hadn't helped him the outcome would have been far worse.

The point here is that bruising to an elderly person isn't always a sign of abuse.

It should however always be taken seriously and investigated.

@LangClegTheBeardedVulture

You need to talk to MIL about durable power of attorney ASAP, and get the ball rolling on it.

As part of the process of getting this done your MIL will require certification from her doctor that she is compos mentis.

I hope you are not too late.
..........
I think Bluntness's version of your letter is perfect.

Definitely get cctv

I wonder if she is having auditory hallucinations and turned her tv up to try and down out the sounds? The police telling her not to do it anymore was them probably telling her to turn it down after the neighbours complained about the volume.

I still really think you need to talk to the police especially after your mil's latest revelation about turning up the tv. I wouldn't be surprised if the police/environmental health (noise) have already been involved by the neighbours.

A person of 70+ has been bruised. I don't think it is acceptable that anyone should bruise a person of that age. older people bruise more easily and the position of the bruises suggest holding her back not beating her up.

thinking the old dear is in the house alone.
'old dear'? 71 is not an old dear.

My Aunt had Dementia with Lewy Protiens and had auditory hallucinations, paranoia and blacked the eye of her carer .

My OH’s aunt doesn’t have dementia but has developed psychosis in old age. She is 100% convinced her neighbours are out to get her. She ‘hears’ them plotting to do all sorts of things and has called the police on them numerous times. Her son set up cctv and recording devices just to be sure there was no truth to it- it is all in her head but she is 100% convinced by it, it’s very sad. She has little mobility so no chance of her attacking them. She is under psychiatric care and is taking medication but the thoughts are still there and no amount of evidence will convince her it’s in her mind.
On another note my OH’s other aunt has recently developed rapid onset dementia, OH and his brother are next of kin but she was a bit of a recluse and they’ve barely seen her over the years. They now have to liaise with social services about her care. And they have no POA which makes things incredibly complicated. Do try and get both medical and financial POA if you can. It’s actually not having the financial one that is causing more issues as they have to deal with selling her house and paying for her care but have to apply for a deputyship to do so...

From your latest update it does sound like she is delusional. I hope a chat with the neighbours puts things in perspective.

It may not be dementia. BIL's DM has been admitted in hospital she has lost her mind from lock-down through loneliness paranoia and stress she should recover.

BrokenLink

Your MIL is clearly a vulnerable adult and she is entitled to be assessed by adult social care at her local authority. The police may have already made a referral but you can make your own. It may even be possible to do it online. It is a very thinly stretched resource, so you may need to be persistent in asking them to assess MIL.

Agree with this