To be upset they’ve cancelled Christmas together?

[Buntingandbuttons]

We had arranged to bubble with BIL’s household for Christmas. (2 households in total.)

We’ve now all been put in tier 3 and they messaged me to cancel. Their reasons were that we all have school age DC at different schools which is a risk.

AIBU to be upset by this? Dc are devastated, dd cried so much when we told her last night.

If they were shielding, I’d feel less upset but they go to the gym, the shops etc all the time, their DC have been going to their usual dance club etc. I did point this out that their dc mix with others at clubs but apparently that’s different as they take their temperature and the dance place has a covid safe certificate

We had planned lots of ways to make it as Covid safe as possible too including wrapping up warm and sitting outside with a heater to open gifts, letting the dc play in the garden, keeping windows open all the time, sitting 2m apart.

I probably am BU but we’ve bought all the food too!

I’ve said that we’ll plan lots of special things to do at home for our family instead, have a bake off day with the dc one day, crafting etc

AIBU to be upset about their reasons for cancelling?

OP said her children are devasted at the change to Christmas plans, more likely they are disappointed

I agree

But people use words like this all the time, most of us know what she means and can emphasis with the OP

@fluffybutter well said...I honestly cannot abide what coronavirus has created people have become awful!

Imagine what this is still doing to peoples mental health? Me and DP have lost family members this year (non covid related) I have two friends who have lost young friends to cancer (non covid related) among the whole host of people losing lives due to not being able to access services etc etc.

How long are people willing to accept this is ok??

I'm with the op I'd be damn upset if this happened to me as the BIL is more than happy to take all those other risks daily which are more than mixing family members. She has also paid for all the food so to cancel so late to me is wrong!

Of course not but is one family not getting together with another family at Christmas in the same league as family bereavement. No.

No one is claiming it is! It's been a really hard year for some people and Christmas was something they were really looking forward to. Changing plans is really upsetting (although often necessary). Lots of people have no emotional reserves left and this feels like a final blow. It's not your job to moderate what people are upset by and to what degree.

I think it’s sensible not to mix over Christmas tbh. The government had to release farcical ‘rules’ because they know they can’t possibly police people staying apart over Christmas. There’ll still be people breaking those rules, let’s face it. Unsure how anyone can see the high levels of cases and death atm and think it’s still a good idea to mix.

I think some of this is on you... you KNOW plans may change at any moment as risks change, as people re-evaluate risks...

You allowed your DD to believe this was definitely happening, you could have played it down, been far more vague and made her aware it may well NOT happen and that the alternative would be just as much fun... its really your responsibility to manage her expectations appropriately.

Of course not but is one family not getting together with another family at Christmas in the same league as family bereavement. No.

IMNOTSHOUTING Fri 18-Dec-20 11:13:34 No one is claiming it is! It's been a really hard year for some people and Christmas was something they were really looking forward to. Changing plans is really upsetting (although often necessary). Lots of people have no emotional reserves left and this feels like a final blow. It's not your job to moderate what people are upset by and to what degree.

Well if you post on a public forum you are canvassing for different responses and I was specifically referring to the wording, making the etymological distinction between level of upset meant by devastation vs disappointment. Perhaps one for pedants corner.

I agree it is upsetting to change plans but, in this case, indoor household mixing is not essential and safer for both families involved.

@Nowaynothappening

I think it’s sensible not to mix over Christmas tbh. The government had to release farcical ‘rules’ because they know they can’t possibly police people staying apart over Christmas. There’ll still be people breaking those rules, let’s face it. Unsure how anyone can see the high levels of cases and death atm and think it’s still a good idea to mix.

Exactly.

No one should have raised children's hopes for anything beyond a single-household Christmas.

(And what is SO bad about that, anyway?)

"Lots of people have no emotional reserves left and this feels like a final blow"

It's been a measly nine months and most people still have better shelter, heat, food, drink, health care and education than at any time in human history, plus the internet, tv and smartphones.

Ffs if staying home in those circumstances saps one's "emotional reserves " to that extent, perhaps professional therapy is in order.

I'm on the other end of this. My sister has just gone off on me for cancelling. I'm tier one, she's tier 3. Personally I cannot in good conscience go knowing how many people my husband will come into contact with for work when we get back. I'm very upset and disappointed to cancel. But her response has not helped her or me. It's nobodys fault. It's a pandemic. Please respect your families decision, it was probably very difficult to make and now is not the time to damage a much needed relationship no matter how hard it is.

@CancelledChristmas

OP, we have just cancelled Christmas with our extended family.

The first reason is that coronavirus rates are rising really fast and most of the country is in tier 3. They are not hammering this home as it is Christmas and they don't want to upset people but we are going to pay a very heavy price for this in the new year.

Secondly, DH and I end up being the ones to host all the time and it is a lot of work. I end up doing it all and I end up hating Christmas Day. Extra cleaning, sanitising beforehand, on the day to keep toilets clean for 9 people and the cleaning up afterwards is just too much work. I am working right up to Christmas and after it. I've got a lot of stuff on my plate and making everyone else's Christmas a jolly one is not within my gift this year or ever again

So, in a nutshell, I don't want anyone in my nuclear family catching Covid and I am not prepared to do all the extra work. Covid has taken its mental toll on me and I am thinking of myself for once.

I am just not doing it. I'm done.

Dont feel guukty. Hope you and your family have a lovely peaceful and restful Christmas.

@PerveenMistry

"Lots of people have no emotional reserves left and this feels like a final blow"

It's been a measly nine months and most people still have better shelter, heat, food, drink, health care and education than at any time in human history, plus the internet, tv and smartphones.

Ffs if staying home in those circumstances saps one's "emotional reserves " to that extent, perhaps professional therapy is in order.

This is not showing much emotional intelligence. Humans do not work this way. Stress rises in periods of change or uncertainty which we have now had for the first protracted nationwide sense since WW2. Even where change is positive humans feel stress.

We all know we have many comforts still - but every mental health professional understands why most people have found this year tough.

@PerveenMistry

"Lots of people have no emotional reserves left and this feels like a final blow"

It's been a measly nine months and most people still have better shelter, heat, food, drink, health care and education than at any time in human history, plus the internet, tv and smartphones.

Ffs if staying home in those circumstances saps one's "emotional reserves " to that extent, perhaps professional therapy is in order.

It’s must be national arsehole day on here as the comments from some of you nasty pieces of work just make the mind boggle . You’re the kind to say “pull yourself out of it” to someone with depression ,aren’t you ? Having the internet doesn’t make you a happy person ,you twat.

I'm laughing @Fluffybutter because I read it the same way but wasn't brave enough to respond like that

You’re not unreasonable to be upset but I think everyone is cancelling is doing the right thing.

@inquietant

I'm laughing *@Fluffybutter* because I read it the same way but wasn't brave enough to respond like that

Honestly , it’s been vile on here today . You’d think something like a pandemic would bring out empathy in people but it’s done the opposite ! It’s like competitive Fuckwittery .

How old are the children?

YANBU to be disappointed YABU to not accept why they have done it, they have thier family to think about

@Fluffybutter ugh some really horrible responses, completely agree. “Pull yourself together” nonsense. #bemean not #bekind - guess everyone is losing it one way or another..... what a shame.

@PerveenMistry

"Lots of people have no emotional reserves left and this feels like a final blow"

It's been a measly nine months and most people still have better shelter, heat, food, drink, health care and education than at any time in human history, plus the internet, tv and smartphones.

Ffs if staying home in those circumstances saps one's "emotional reserves " to that extent, perhaps professional therapy is in order.

Can professional therapy help you develop a bit of humanity or empathy - or are you a lost cause?😏

@Nikhedonia I must have misread this morning as I was so tired I thought when OP said bubbling with their household she meant at their house as she said 'meet up' rather than them visiting the OP, and doing things at home (as opposed to what they were supposed to be doing, not being at home iyswim) Whoops! Reading it back now you're right, it could easily be either of the families hosting.

It now looks like 1 in 5 people experience "long covid" symptoms. Having watched my DP (previously healthy, mid 30s) suffer with this for nearly 8 months (and the resulting toll this has taken on my MH), I wouldn't wish this horrible virus on anyone. Its not just about protecting the elderly.
The government's messaging on Christmas meet ups is appalling.

They sound very sensible. Surely you can see that?

No one should be mixing households-it’s crazy!

Thank you to everyone who has offered their thoughts on this, it has really helped to put things into perspective and you’re right, with things are they are, it makes sense to cancel.

DD is fine now, I think she was overtired last night and upset, but we have arranged to zoom their cousins after they’ve all opened their stockings etc and will plan a get together when things are safer.

Its all a bit shit but I hope you can still have a lovely Xmas anyway OP!

Can professional therapy help you develop a bit of humanity or empathy - or are you a lost cause?

I think it's mostly older people who've been through so much, much worse than this who are bewildered at the lack of inner fibre that this pandemic has exposed.
Lack of responsibility to others and an "I'm alright jack" attitude.
People my age lived through a flu pandemic in the 50/60s. It killed mostly children and I was a child. There's nothing new under the sun. I did not die. Lots of children did die. Terrible. I think a lot of us older people are aware that nowadays with social media and the internet, not so many people need to die. We can all be warned

But then you get people whining that they can't do what they want on Xmas day. If we'd had the internet in 1955, fewer kids would have died. Because in those days, I think we all had more social conscience.