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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset they’ve cancelled Christmas together?

243 replies

Buntingandbuttons · 18/12/2020 06:21

We had arranged to bubble with BIL’s household for Christmas. (2 households in total.)

We’ve now all been put in tier 3 and they messaged me to cancel. Their reasons were that we all have school age DC at different schools which is a risk.

AIBU to be upset by this? Dc are devastated, dd cried so much when we told her last night.

If they were shielding, I’d feel less upset but they go to the gym, the shops etc all the time, their DC have been going to their usual dance club etc. I did point this out that their dc mix with others at clubs but apparently that’s different as they take their temperature and the dance place has a covid safe certificate Hmm

We had planned lots of ways to make it as Covid safe as possible too including wrapping up warm and sitting outside with a heater to open gifts, letting the dc play in the garden, keeping windows open all the time, sitting 2m apart.

I probably am BU but we’ve bought all the food too!

I’ve said that we’ll plan lots of special things to do at home for our family instead, have a bake off day with the dc one day, crafting etc

AIBU to be upset about their reasons for cancelling?

OP posts:
IMNOTSHOUTING · 18/12/2020 08:37

@likeamillpond

Apart from being sanctimonious you're being irrational. Having lots of family round for Christmas, while unwise in a pandemic, doesn't mean it's commercial at all. It has everything to do with enjoying people's company and nothing to do with gifts and tatt. Bringing together the extended family is exactly about what Christmas used to be about.

I have no issue if people don't enjoy seeing their extended family or prefer a smaller Christmas for whatever reason and this year it's actually necessary for everyone to do that but trying to imply you're superior for it is just daft. It's perfectly OK for people to be sad on missing out.

Heyahun · 18/12/2020 08:37

Seriously this could always have happened! It’s a bad idea for everyone to be mixing at Christmas - so your brother is probably right!

Is your own family incapable of enjoying one Christmas Day together just you guys?

It’s really not that bad

BoJoHoNo · 18/12/2020 08:38

Did you actually read the OP. All families are in Tier 3 now. They are only doing what is best for them. Your attitute is very strange. It has nothing to do with feeling superior. Cancelling plans at the last minute just on the basis of the 'Tier' system is a bit odd imo Our city has been in Tier 3 since a few weeks after the system was introduced. We've had consistently lower numbers of cases than London which has remained in Tier 2 until a few days ago.

I mean I completely understand why people don't want to mix households this year, but if you're in the category of super bothered about taking 'unecessary risk' it's a bit odd to offer to host in the first place.

likeamillpond · 18/12/2020 08:40

@goopsoup

YANBU, especially as you’re cooking for them. I would mention you’d already bought the food. Did you buy extra for them? They have been very rude.

I wouldn’t rely on them anymore and wouldn’t go out of my way for them. Can you invite anyone else?

I wouldn't fall out with them over this.
likeamillpond · 18/12/2020 08:41

@Heyahun

Seriously this could always have happened! It’s a bad idea for everyone to be mixing at Christmas - so your brother is probably right!

Is your own family incapable of enjoying one Christmas Day together just you guys?

It’s really not that bad

Seems like a few think this way. But you won't be popular for saying it.
Confusedandshaken · 18/12/2020 08:43

Count your blessings. Sell it to your D.C. as a special family Christmas. It won't be the same but it doesn't have to be worse.

I wish my SIL would cancel. She is the main carer for my elderly FIL who has lots of health issues and she wants them to come to us for Christmas as usual. Normally I love hosting a massive family day, my motto has always been the more the merrier, but this year is different. I would much rather they didn't come as I know we won't be able to social distance in the ways recommended but SIL has a really hard life and carries the brunt of FIL's care so if she wants the break I'm not going to say no.

SnuggyBuggy · 18/12/2020 08:43

Misers is the word. What on earth has it got to do with the OP whether or not you prefer small or large Christmases.

Meatshake · 18/12/2020 08:44

I've done the same- cancelled our big Xmas meet up. Its not so much the risk from others, more that I would feel awful passing anything on inadvertently. Can you imagine meeting for Christmas, not realising you've got covid and putting Granny in hospital? It's likely there will be a big surge in hospital admissions in Jan so resources will be tight, if a hospital has to choose between 30 year old with 2 kids and 80 year old Doris for a ventilator... Well... I personally don't think it's worth the risk.

Scale back this year, have a belter next year.

ClickandForget · 18/12/2020 08:45

They probably don't want to sit around in the cold outside to open gifts, or sit in the house with all the windows open etc
Yup. This.

EverybodystalkingaboutJamie · 18/12/2020 08:45

[quote saraclara]@likeamillpond I'm going to be alone at Christmas instead of with my loving and warm family at our favourite time of year. It's the right thing to do but I'm not going to be preached at or have my feelings of sadness demeaned by those for whom "it's just a couple of days"

So take your sanctimonious somewhere else.[/quote]
Think you might want to not read threads like this if you don't wish to be preached at.😬

likeamillpond · 18/12/2020 08:46

@Meatshake

I've done the same- cancelled our big Xmas meet up. Its not so much the risk from others, more that I would feel awful passing anything on inadvertently. Can you imagine meeting for Christmas, not realising you've got covid and putting Granny in hospital? It's likely there will be a big surge in hospital admissions in Jan so resources will be tight, if a hospital has to choose between 30 year old with 2 kids and 80 year old Doris for a ventilator... Well... I personally don't think it's worth the risk.

Scale back this year, have a belter next year.

Well said.
Covidnomore · 18/12/2020 08:47

goop my post wasn't directed at OP.

It was directed at another user.

I get OP is disappointed, I would be too. I am upset for my own Christmas.

But just because I now plan to enjoy it with my own wee family doesn't mean I am anti social and don't enjoy large family gatherings.

MzHz · 18/12/2020 08:47

Tbh, making ANY plans to see anyone this Christmas was daft, and is now absolutely idiotic.

Covid isn’t taking Christmas off! Mixing kids from different schools, adults from different workplaces, age groups is a recipe for disaster.

I cried back in November when I cancelled on the one decent group of people in my family. It didn’t make sense back then to see each other this side of having a vaccine, and that was before the rates of infection went up.

In a very few cases IMVHO people should meet, but take precautions beforehand to protect one another, those who have really suffered and been isolated etc etc, but in the main no, Christmas at Easter is a far better prospect.

TibetanTerrier · 18/12/2020 08:48

@saraclara

I wish people who don't particularly enjoy Christmas or like their relatives much, would stop telling those of us who love it and for whom it's prime family time, how we should feel.
Well maybe if people didn't keep whining about how "devastating" it is to have just one year in a lifetime without a big family Christmas, then those with a more balanced view wouldn't feel the need to comment. People need to put their big girl pants on and grow up.
NoSquirrels · 18/12/2020 08:48

YANBU to be upset - it is sad. Flowers

YABU to be upset with their reasons - they’re right, regardless of gym/dance classes etc.

Don’t fall out about it. Have a lovely Christmas without the nagging worry instead.

MandosHatHair · 18/12/2020 08:51

They probably don't want to sit around in the cold outside to open gifts, or sit in the house with all the windows open etc.

I think if you're having people over for Christmas, you accept any 'risk' and behave normally.

If you aren't freezing your arses off amongst yourselves right now to mitigate the risk of your children bringing covid home, it's mad to start doing it on Christmas day with visitors.

This!

It's shitty that they have cancelled last minute, but when did you let them know that Christmas at yours would be al fresco?

LlamaofDrama · 18/12/2020 08:56

I don't think their decision is U but I do think they could have had a discussion with you, not presented you with a unilateral decision. Ultimately, as with everything, power lies with the person saying no, but there are ways of doing it...

We're caught in the middle of something similar, but in one relationship we're the ridiculously cautious ones being U and saying no, and in the other we're crazy risk takers... I've had to break the news to DD this morning that she may not get her favourite part (being with her cousin) of her favourite day of the year. It wasn't fun, but she did see that it's only one year and that keeping her GPs alive is worth it. But she's probably older than your DD!

I'm sorry for your DDs distress, and hope that the alternative Christmas fun you are planning will distract her. It's horrible when they're upset and you can't fix it.

Waspnest · 18/12/2020 08:57

I think YANBU for feeling disappointed, you feel how you feel but YABU for being annoyed with them for cancelling. I think they're doing the responsible thing - their children have been exposed to a lot of people and they are protecting you from that.

(And round here it has been really rainy and windy lately so the idea of sitting outdoors opening presents etc sounds like my idea of hell.)

LuaDipa · 18/12/2020 08:59

We are doing the same this year and feel terribly guilty, but it is to protect loved ones, which I don’t think is selfish.

My dc still have their activities but most are at school with the same dc they see all day. I also go to the gym, but it is very Covid secure with all doors and shutters open whatever the weather. I’m sure I am judged for this, but I do make a conscious judgement at the minute with everything I do. My dc have missed so much so I would rather we spend Christmas just us so they hopefully can begin to return to normality sooner.

The kids have fortunately been surprisingly excited about a Christmas home with us. They are looking forward to relaxing and sleeping and I can’t say I blame them. We will go all out to make it special. I still feel guilty but I know I am doing the right thing.

TibetanTerrier · 18/12/2020 09:03

@saraclara
I'm going to be alone at Christmas instead of with my loving and warm family at our favourite time of year. It's the right thing to do but I'm not going to be preached at or have my feelings of sadness demeaned by those for whom "it's just a couple of days"

How about you feel thankful that you still have your loving and warm family instead of wallowing in self pity. Thousands of families are missing family members forever because of this virus. They're the ones who are justified in feeling sad this Christmas. One family near me has lost all four grandparents to Covid.

Leflic · 18/12/2020 09:05

A Covid Christmas is hard work. They just want to enjoy a normal family Christmas at home with no sitting around outside or worry.

I guess you have double the amount of food you actually need though. Can you cancel any of the fresh orders? At least you can save a bit on the shopping the following week.

WillSantaBeComingToTown · 18/12/2020 09:07

One of my family has texted that they don't want to visit a they live in a high risk area and might bring covid

Everyone in our house has already had covid!

I haven't replied- it is their choice, I am not posting the gifts as they weigh too much. They will be out of date by whenever we see them.

Guts · 18/12/2020 09:07

My dd and her dh have decided they won’t be visiting any family this year. It’s disappointing but we support their decision.

When restrictions lift we will have a fakemas together.

ScrambledEggForBrains · 18/12/2020 09:08

I’d rather sacrifice one Christmas so I can see relatives for Christmas’ to come. I don’t think that mixing households is safe! We’re going to be in another lockdown in the new year!

Fluffybutter · 18/12/2020 09:10

[quote TibetanTerrier]@saraclara
I'm going to be alone at Christmas instead of with my loving and warm family at our favourite time of year. It's the right thing to do but I'm not going to be preached at or have my feelings of sadness demeaned by those for whom "it's just a couple of days"

How about you feel thankful that you still have your loving and warm family instead of wallowing in self pity. Thousands of families are missing family members forever because of this virus. They're the ones who are justified in feeling sad this Christmas. One family near me has lost all four grandparents to Covid.[/quote]
What a horrible ,mean spirited reply!
Any one can feel sad at Christmas ffs, not just because of death !