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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset they’ve cancelled Christmas together?

243 replies

Buntingandbuttons · 18/12/2020 06:21

We had arranged to bubble with BIL’s household for Christmas. (2 households in total.)

We’ve now all been put in tier 3 and they messaged me to cancel. Their reasons were that we all have school age DC at different schools which is a risk.

AIBU to be upset by this? Dc are devastated, dd cried so much when we told her last night.

If they were shielding, I’d feel less upset but they go to the gym, the shops etc all the time, their DC have been going to their usual dance club etc. I did point this out that their dc mix with others at clubs but apparently that’s different as they take their temperature and the dance place has a covid safe certificate Hmm

We had planned lots of ways to make it as Covid safe as possible too including wrapping up warm and sitting outside with a heater to open gifts, letting the dc play in the garden, keeping windows open all the time, sitting 2m apart.

I probably am BU but we’ve bought all the food too!

I’ve said that we’ll plan lots of special things to do at home for our family instead, have a bake off day with the dc one day, crafting etc

AIBU to be upset about their reasons for cancelling?

OP posts:
YellowPostItPad · 18/12/2020 09:15

I've cancelled Xmas with my parents. I feel it's too risky.

R3ALLY · 18/12/2020 09:17

Neither family is BU, it’s just sad and awful for everyone. The only thing I’ve learned this year is not to promise kids anything I’m afraid .. too many things cancelled. Get loads of treats for your own house and make it special. Next year will be different x

Phoenix21 · 18/12/2020 09:17

Kent now does that whole testing thing for schools. My mates small primary school found 6 asymptomatic teachers.

Now if they had all spent a lovely day with a 3 household bubble that’s how many people exposed (I’m too lazy to do the math).

Earlier in the year we planned a huge Christmas. It’s disappointing but we cancelled quite a while back as I didn’t want to add to the risks we are already taking (nursery, commute, shopping).

MargosKaftan · 18/12/2020 09:22

I do think people on here are missing whats so hurtful about this - if the BIL family were being cautious about covid generally, it wouldn't be so upsetting. But they arent.

The idea that Chris Witty said about us having an interaction budget, that if we do A, B and C it's too much risk, so should pick one or 2. This is clearly what the BIL family are doing, except they've decided the OPs family aren't the thing they want to "spend" their expose budget on.

That's hurtful, something has to give, and you are the least important thing that will the thing to "give".

People like my PIL who are cancelling everything, that doesn't feel hurtful they are no longer coming to us for Christmas. But if they are happily out and about, seeing other people in equally risky situations, then it can't be seen as anything other than a snub that you are the only thing they are cancelling to be safe.

Remember this in the future OP - you are not a priority for these people. Never make them a priority.

GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly · 18/12/2020 09:26

@goopsoup

YANBU, especially as you’re cooking for them. I would mention you’d already bought the food. Did you buy extra for them? They have been very rude.

I wouldn’t rely on them anymore and wouldn’t go out of my way for them. Can you invite anyone else?

Is that really sensible advice @goopsoup when everyone has been told to minimise contacts as much as possible?!
LillianGish · 18/12/2020 09:27

Everyone needs to do this. I can’t believe people are watching the news, seeing the figures, watching the hospital’s fill up, listening to what medical experts are saying and still think “This doesn’t apply to me, I’m going to carry on regardless.” It’s just a day for goodness sake - you can still trim the tree, have Christmas dinner, unwrap presents, Zoom/phone loved ones etc etc Anyone with any sense knew better than to set arrangements in stone this year.

GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly · 18/12/2020 09:33

@MargosKaftan

I do think people on here are missing whats so hurtful about this - if the BIL family were being cautious about covid generally, it wouldn't be so upsetting. But they arent.

The idea that Chris Witty said about us having an interaction budget, that if we do A, B and C it's too much risk, so should pick one or 2. This is clearly what the BIL family are doing, except they've decided the OPs family aren't the thing they want to "spend" their expose budget on.

That's hurtful, something has to give, and you are the least important thing that will the thing to "give".

People like my PIL who are cancelling everything, that doesn't feel hurtful they are no longer coming to us for Christmas. But if they are happily out and about, seeing other people in equally risky situations, then it can't be seen as anything other than a snub that you are the only thing they are cancelling to be safe.

Remember this in the future OP - you are not a priority for these people. Never make them a priority.

Or on the other hand maybe it is because they care about their family that they are staying away from household mixing. Household mixing has been deemed one of the most risky transmission routes since March!

This Autumn my children have been at school, sporting activities and I have been into work on occasion & therefore we potentially are aymptomatic carriers. It is precisly because I care about my relatives that my family will not be seeing them in person this Christmas. It certainly is not a snub!

RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 18/12/2020 09:35

I voted YANBU because you aren’t being unreasonable to be upset

My dd is upset because all her birthday plans are ballsed up, she has canceled the most important one (for her) and she’ll crack on with it...but she’s allowed to be upset

I’m sure you’ll have a great day anyway and the zoom ideas someone came up with upthread would be great

🎄

TidyOmlette · 18/12/2020 09:40

OP I feel for you. It’s sucks to have gone through arrangements to make everything safe while trying to make sure the kids have a nice Christmas for it to be stopped.

I hope you have a lovely Christmas 🎄

RoseAndRose · 18/12/2020 09:41

The idea that Chris Witty said about us having an interaction budget, that if we do A, B and C it's too much risk, so should pick one or 2. This is clearly what the BIL family are doing, except they've decided the OPs family aren't the thing they want to "spend" their expose budget on

Except the timelines mean that the budget was already spent before schools broke up.

Sirzy · 18/12/2020 09:44

I’m not seeing my extended family at Christmas, it’s exactly because I do love them that we have made the decision not to meet up. It won’t be the same as normal but it will still be Christmas. We will still have fun. It will just be a different Christmas

CancelledChristmas · 18/12/2020 09:49

OP, we have just cancelled Christmas with our extended family.

The first reason is that coronavirus rates are rising really fast and most of the country is in tier 3. They are not hammering this home as it is Christmas and they don't want to upset people but we are going to pay a very heavy price for this in the new year.

Secondly, DH and I end up being the ones to host all the time and it is a lot of work. I end up doing it all and I end up hating Christmas Day. Extra cleaning, sanitising beforehand, on the day to keep toilets clean for 9 people and the cleaning up afterwards is just too much work. I am working right up to Christmas and after it. I've got a lot of stuff on my plate and making everyone else's Christmas a jolly one is not within my gift this year or ever again

So, in a nutshell, I don't want anyone in my nuclear family catching Covid and I am not prepared to do all the extra work. Covid has taken its mental toll on me and I am thinking of myself for once.

I am just not doing it. I'm done.

HappydaysArehere · 18/12/2020 09:53

I am ringing my daughter this morning to cancel. I know she will understand. I am 79 and dh is 81. Her family consists of 6 adults who we absolutely adore and we have had contact over the year on a regular basis but things are different now and we think it is responsible to try to protect ourselves and not end up in a bed in hospital.

sosotired1 · 18/12/2020 09:54

As RoseAndRose says

It's a pity that your DD is so upset. What are you going to do to model to her how to make the best of a setback?

Devastated? Really? I would save the devastation for when one of your relatives actually dies from this virus.

Mrgrinch · 18/12/2020 09:58

YABU.
I think it's very sensible of them to cancel and I believe a lot of people will be making that call. People know it's a stupid idea to mix and they know it will result in a spike.

breadwidow · 18/12/2020 10:05

We cancelled a similar visit. My sister & family was due to come Xmas day. One diff was she was staying overnight and travelling from area that is now in T1 to T3, which is obv a greater risk. But we are all young and not vulnerable, all with kids in school. Me and my BIL have been working outside of the home, him in a cafe so we are exposed. So you could argue that Xmas visit is not much greater a risk. But on the other hand we haven't seen them specifically in months, and have not spent extended time in a indoor space without social distancing (there's no way we'd have maintained it if I'm honest) with anyone for months. This does make it higher risk, and the visit was going against the advice of so many that we began to feel really uncomfortable and then called it off when where we live was put in T3. It's disappointing but I honestly think it's the most sensible thing so I think your BIL is being sensible too.

Meatshake · 18/12/2020 10:07

@WillSantaBeComingToTown

One of my family has texted that they don't want to visit a they live in a high risk area and might bring covid

Everyone in our house has already had covid!

I haven't replied- it is their choice, I am not posting the gifts as they weigh too much. They will be out of date by whenever we see them.

Just like you can have the flu or a cold more than once you can get covid more than once.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-54512034

Fluffybutter · 18/12/2020 10:10

@sosotired1

As RoseAndRose says

It's a pity that your DD is so upset. What are you going to do to model to her how to make the best of a setback?

Devastated? Really? I would save the devastation for when one of your relatives actually dies from this virus.

Why do people keep saying shit like this ?! We had a death in the family from covid in April , she was 29. Does that mean I can’t be devastated about anything else now , only that ?
IMNOTSHOUTING · 18/12/2020 10:14

Thousands of families are missing family members forever because of this virus. They're the ones who are justified in feeling sad this Christmas.

Don't be ridiculous. Are you seriously telling me you've never felt sad about anything less than the death of your entire family? Obviously if someone was bereaved I wouldn't come moaning to them about my more petty problems but that doesn't mean I can't feel sad about them. It's been a difficult year for lots of people for all kinds of reasons. For some people the prospect of a quiet christmas is a welcome relief for others it's the nail in the coffin of an awful year. If someone's feeling sad why not spare them a bit of compassion or at least leave them in peace!

RufustheSniggeringReindeer · 18/12/2020 10:45

@IMNOTSHOUTING

Thousands of families are missing family members forever because of this virus. They're the ones who are justified in feeling sad this Christmas.

Don't be ridiculous. Are you seriously telling me you've never felt sad about anything less than the death of your entire family? Obviously if someone was bereaved I wouldn't come moaning to them about my more petty problems but that doesn't mean I can't feel sad about them. It's been a difficult year for lots of people for all kinds of reasons. For some people the prospect of a quiet christmas is a welcome relief for others it's the nail in the coffin of an awful year. If someone's feeling sad why not spare them a bit of compassion or at least leave them in peace!

This

Just wondering when the Christmas spirit will hit Mumsnet

People are allowed to feel emotions about all sorts of stupid things

Children can be devastated over stupid things without it being a personality flaw....its been a shit year for many people and this is the last straw for some of them

ClickandForget · 18/12/2020 10:55

Well maybe if people didn't keep whining about how "devastating" it is to have just one year in a lifetime without a big family Christmas, then those with a more balanced view wouldn't feel the need to comment. People need to put their big girl pants on and grow up

Well said. I don't know how some people would cope with truly 'devastating* circumstances.

Fluffybutter · 18/12/2020 11:00

@ClickandForget

Well maybe if people didn't keep whining about how "devastating" it is to have just one year in a lifetime without a big family Christmas, then those with a more balanced view wouldn't feel the need to comment. People need to put their big girl pants on and grow up

Well said. I don't know how some people would cope with truly 'devastating* circumstances.

Oh give it a fucking rest. People can feel “devastated” over what the hell they like , how can you gauge what is devastating or not for a complete stranger ?! Oh, you must be one of those new Devastation Marshals I’ve read so much about ..
GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly · 18/12/2020 11:03

@Fluffybutter Why do people keep saying shit like this ?! We had a death in the family from covid in April , she was 29.Does that mean I can’t be devastated about anything else now , only that ?

Of course not but is one family not getting together with another family at Christmas in the same league as family bereavement. No.

Devastation means very shocked and upset e.g. in the grief of knowing you will never see someone alive again

Disappointed means unhappy because someone or something was not as good as you hoped or expected, or because something did not happen

OP said her children are devasted at the change to Christmas plans, more likely they are disappointed.

GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly · 18/12/2020 11:06

*typo devastated

PerveenMistry · 18/12/2020 11:07

If the DC are crying and devastated, that's on you. You could have related the change of plans in an upbeat manner and focused on the fun you can have at home.

Jesus Christ, kids elsewhere are dying of malnutrition every day. Yours will survive one quiet at-home Christmas.