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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset they’ve cancelled Christmas together?

243 replies

Buntingandbuttons · 18/12/2020 06:21

We had arranged to bubble with BIL’s household for Christmas. (2 households in total.)

We’ve now all been put in tier 3 and they messaged me to cancel. Their reasons were that we all have school age DC at different schools which is a risk.

AIBU to be upset by this? Dc are devastated, dd cried so much when we told her last night.

If they were shielding, I’d feel less upset but they go to the gym, the shops etc all the time, their DC have been going to their usual dance club etc. I did point this out that their dc mix with others at clubs but apparently that’s different as they take their temperature and the dance place has a covid safe certificate Hmm

We had planned lots of ways to make it as Covid safe as possible too including wrapping up warm and sitting outside with a heater to open gifts, letting the dc play in the garden, keeping windows open all the time, sitting 2m apart.

I probably am BU but we’ve bought all the food too!

I’ve said that we’ll plan lots of special things to do at home for our family instead, have a bake off day with the dc one day, crafting etc

AIBU to be upset about their reasons for cancelling?

OP posts:
likeamillpond · 18/12/2020 08:15

@saraclara

I wish people who don't particularly enjoy Christmas or like their relatives much, would stop telling those of us who love it and for whom it's prime family time, how we should feel.
and vice versa.

Believe it or not there are families out there, adults and children, who are perfectly capable of having a very happy Christmas with just their own family.

Not everyone has children who's days are so packed with extra activities and have to be entertained and surrounded by people all the time all the time, that being forced to spend a day with their famies is upsetting

Lots of us find that strange and a little bit needy.

Sertchgi123 · 18/12/2020 08:16

@saraclara

I wish people who don't particularly enjoy Christmas or like their relatives much, would stop telling those of us who love it and for whom it's prime family time, how we should feel.
I love Christmas but we’re in the middle of a pandemic. COVID-19 is CONTAGIOUS and can be deadly. What else do you need to know?
Piffle11 · 18/12/2020 08:17

I don’t think you’re BU at all. If your family were being ultra careful, only going out for essential work or food, etc, then I could understand their position and agree with what they are doing… But as they seem to be unconcerned about the risks in other walks of life – gym, dance classes – then I think to cancel on you this late in the day isn’t great. I know tiers are changing here and there, but that was always a possibility.

likeamillpond · 18/12/2020 08:19

Maybe they don't like you and this is an excuse.

AngelicInnocent · 18/12/2020 08:19

It would have been better if the "rules" had banned household gatherings other than single people being allowed to join a (1 singular, not different ones each day of the season) household. I understand people are sad not to be gathering with loved ones but as long as people aren't left lonely, surely for one year, we can enjoy our nuclear families and accept it's a difficult time.

Labobo · 18/12/2020 08:20

I completely understand that you and your DC are upset. But you would be far far more upset if you all ended up feeling really ill over Christmas or any of you ended up in hospital. The virus is raging again right now and boring as it is, it's safer this way. Stick some of the food in the freezer and have a mock Christmas together as soon as it is safe.

My DC are both late teens, both back from uni. but even I am sitting down today to rack my brains make a list of fun things we can do over the holidays because their extensive plans to meet up with friends have now all been shelved. It is very sad for all of us. But severe illness is sadder.

Covidnomore · 18/12/2020 08:21

There is probably less risk with A, B, C added together than D, if D is a house.

That's what people still fail to understand.

Fizbosshoes · 18/12/2020 08:22

What a weird post. My kids loved being with their cousins (who didn't live close enough that they were able to see them more than half a dozen times a year). Christmas with together was always a thrill for them.
And we had a very happy and warm daily family life, thanks.

Growing up my DM was very protective of having christmas day just the family (DM, Ddad, me and siblings) Although obviously there was the excitement of presents, it was much like a normal sunday (church/roast/tv/games) we actually much preferred Boxing Day and the following days when we saw other family.

saraclara · 18/12/2020 08:22

@likeamillpond I'm going to be alone at Christmas instead of with my loving and warm family at our favourite time of year. It's the right thing to do but I'm not going to be preached at or have my feelings of sadness demeaned by those for whom "it's just a couple of days"

So take your sanctimonious somewhere else.

Poppingnostopping · 18/12/2020 08:23

I decided early on, a month ago, that the gov't were stupid to allow household mixing over Christmas, and with rates going up, it's even stupider. I'm lucky enough to live near enough to one parent to do a fly-by visit, outside with a mince pie and that's what I'm going to do, not bubble with them, not go in their house or anything.

It was a shame really that Boris got everyone's hopes up, but this is a dynamic situation. In the summer, it was very safe round here, few cases, no overload on hospitals. Now although we are in Tier 2, rates are higher, hospital is creaky at the best of times, don't want to chance it. I think we have to respond to the situation now and not what it was a month ago when they made these decisions.

It is a bit upsetting because you probably thought it would be fun amidst the whole year, but you can still zoom/skype them, also is there anyone in your local area who you are friends with or you could call past and drop off a mince pie or a little pressie? That's another thing people could do locally with friends if meeting family isn't on the table.

rainbowunicorn · 18/12/2020 08:25

@Mummyoflittledragon

They’re being ridiculous. Either you take the risk or you don’t. They’re pulling the we are superior card because we only do safe things in our safe area. Unless they live very rurally, it probably won’t be long before they’re also in tier 3...
Did you actually read the OP. All families are in Tier 3 now. They are only doing what is best for them. Your attitute is very strange. It has nothing to do with feeling superior.
movingonup20 · 18/12/2020 08:25

Yabu, it's hard for everyone this year and they have made the right decision. Many of us aren't even seeing our kids, hard but necessary

GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly · 18/12/2020 08:25

@gannett is spot on that this is not devastating news but rather it is disappointing.

How old are your/their children?
How far away do they live? Could an outside present exchange half way work without the indoor meal.

Attending a dance class is different to having a couple of families stuffed together in a living room! Bet you annoyed your relatives by bringing it up rather than accepting the good are making a sensible decision to minimise risk of spread between you.

Pikachubaby · 18/12/2020 08:28

The government have lost the plot, so people are doing their own risk assessment

People will make different decisions

Just respect their decision, we’re all trying to figure out what’s common sense and ideas will vary

IMNOTSHOUTING · 18/12/2020 08:28

A lot of grumpy old misers on this thread. Yes we're in the middle of a pandemic and things are going to be different this year but that doesn't mean that some people can't be a bit sad about that. It's been a difficult year for lots of people and for some of them seeing wider family over Christmas is usually a high light of the year. Maybe you prefer a smaller Christmas with your immediate family - that's fine but other people don't and will be sad to miss out. If you feel the need to denigrate people who like to do things differently to you? If their child looks forward to seeing their cousins and your don't it's just different family dynamics - don't try to imply it's because of your superior parenting skills meaning your child can entertain themselves better. That makes you look so insecure.

likeamillpond · 18/12/2020 08:29

[quote saraclara]@likeamillpond I'm going to be alone at Christmas instead of with my loving and warm family at our favourite time of year. It's the right thing to do but I'm not going to be preached at or have my feelings of sadness demeaned by those for whom "it's just a couple of days"

So take your sanctimonious somewhere else.[/quote]
It's sanctimonious to preach to people who like small Christmases and are made to feel guilty because they don't buy into the large commercial shitfest that it has been in previous years.

This Christmas is a good time to Reset the button and scale Christmases back a bit to how they used to be.

SoupDragon · 18/12/2020 08:31

YANBU to be upset at not meeting up.

YABU to be upset at their reasons for cancelling which are perfectly sensible.

Can you meet up outdoors for a walk?

SoupDragon · 18/12/2020 08:33

I did point this out that their dc mix with others at clubs but apparently that’s different as they take their temperature and the dance place has a covid safe certificate

That is completely different. DD's dance classes have strict social distancing (it's marked out on the floor and you have to stay within your cones) and other measures in place. Nothing like a gathering in a private house.

SilverGlitterBaubles · 18/12/2020 08:33

It's upsetting and disappointing OP but it is the right decision and probably the decision that a lot more people should be taking. Your BILs family are not only taking the decision to protect themselves but also your family especially when they have been in contact with a lot of people. We have MIL for Christmas Day and I am so so stressed about it and want to cancel but as she is alone I feel I cannot. DCs have been at school until today, DH and I at work until the 23rd. It is not really is not worth the risk for one bloody day. Imagine the guilt of knowing you have given Covid to a family member.

BathshebaWasOnTheRoof · 18/12/2020 08:34

We’re on the verge of cancelling our Christmas plans. Our area has always had a low case rate but it’s rocketed in the last week.

I don’t want to have to isolate if one of the family ends up positive. I’d rather have the freedom to get out, shop, gym, walk over the Christmas holidays.

I no longer think 12 of us in one house is a good idea so I get where people are coming from.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 18/12/2020 08:34

@likeamillpond

Literally no one is preaching to you because you like a small Christmas. You're being ridiculous and a bit insane. This thread isn't about you at all. It's about the OP who doesn't like a small Christmas. I have literally seen no one anywhere critisizing people who prefer to have a smaller Christmas. Those people aren't the issue because nothing has changed for them. If you have a small Christmas every year then you can simly continue this year.

Covidnomore · 18/12/2020 08:35

@IMNOTSHOUTING

A lot of grumpy old misers on this thread. Yes we're in the middle of a pandemic and things are going to be different this year but that doesn't mean that some people can't be a bit sad about that. It's been a difficult year for lots of people and for some of them seeing wider family over Christmas is usually a high light of the year. Maybe you prefer a smaller Christmas with your immediate family - that's fine but other people don't and will be sad to miss out. If you feel the need to denigrate people who like to do things differently to you? If their child looks forward to seeing their cousins and your don't it's just different family dynamics - don't try to imply it's because of your superior parenting skills meaning your child can entertain themselves better. That makes you look so insecure.
Last Xmas was pretty shit for us as DH was working and we live far from family.

Next Christmas will be pretty shit as DH is working and we are far from family.

This Christmas was going to be the one Christmas in quite a few years I was going to be able to see my parents and other family.

We are not doing that because we don't believe it safe.

I don't think my parenting skills are better. I do think I have made the right decision for my family and for those who live around me.

Its shit and we are disappointed but really whats the point of getting all worked up about it. It is what it is.

goopsoup · 18/12/2020 08:36

YANBU, especially as you’re cooking for them. I would mention you’d already bought the food. Did you buy extra for them? They have been very rude.

I wouldn’t rely on them anymore and wouldn’t go out of my way for them. Can you invite anyone else?

JinglingHellsBells · 18/12/2020 08:37

The guidance is very clear- you stay away from as many people as possible and especially if they are aged 50+ and at more risk because age is the biggest risk factor above anything else.

Sadly, the fact we are all practically in Tier 3 now shows relying on people's 'common sense' doesn't work.

I doubt many people posting here about wanting to enjoy Xmas are not practising Christians, and do not celebrate Christmas for its true meaning. They see it as a reason to eat, drink , and buy stuff no one really needs.

You can do all of that when the R rate has come down.
It doesn't have to be 25th December.

goopsoup · 18/12/2020 08:37

@Covidnomore your situation is entirely different to what’s happened to OP. OP is allowed to be upset.