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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect relative to sleep on the sofa for a night

345 replies

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 17/12/2020 23:22

Hi, just want outsiders opinions. Obviously xmas is coming up and me and my bf, sister and her bf and mum and dad are meeting up as the 3 bubbles that are allowed.
We are meeting up at our parents house which is a 3 bed terrace house. 2 doubles, one single. I still live at home (I’m the youngest) and live in the second double (upgraded from the shoe box room when my sister moved out earlier this year), our parents in the other.
My sister hasn’t seen us a lot this year because of covid so we’re all excited to see her and her bf.

She has now made a fuss about not coming over because of not having her old room and the double bed in it (which i brought) to sleep on during her two night (max) stay. They live an hour and a half away -60 miles one way.

Is it to much to ask to bring their double air mattress and sleep downstairs for a night or two? Or just take the sofas.
How do other people solve issues of houses being too small to fit bfs/gfs/ extended family over?
I believe this is a bit of embarrassment as well- her bf has never been to our little house and grew up in a big house with his own en-suite and everything. She and her boyfriend are both uni educated as are his family- we aren’t.
I think she feels ashamed by her humble beginnings...

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpneededbyanoutsider · 18/12/2020 00:17

She is 22 and he is 25

OP posts:
WhatKatyDidNxt · 18/12/2020 00:19

@yellowcatss sister moved out last year apparently Hmm

DuzzyFuck · 18/12/2020 00:20

@StatisticalSense I'm not here to judge based on the covid situation, I'm just offering solutions to the OPs problem on face value.

yellowcatss · 18/12/2020 00:23

For us the Xmas period is about family and isn’t so sad that she’s throwing a tantrum over one night in the sofa
nice guilt trip op maybe your sister sick of that she an do her christmas how she likes if thats not sleeping on a sofa then so be it its unfortunate it upsets you but thats not her problem.

htbzLlhcR · 18/12/2020 00:24

@yellowcatss

You're the one that needs to read again.

It used to be the Sisters bedroom before the sister moved out. The bedroom is now the OP's bedroom and OP purchased the double bed to go in it.

The sister doesn't get to get dibs on the room just because it used to be hers.

FitterHappierMoreProductive · 18/12/2020 00:25

I do have sympathy with her, I know I reached the point where I couldn’t be arsed sleeping on sofas anymore, and would now refuse to do so except in extreme circumstances (which Christmas isn’t). But I was older than 22!

Original poster
Helpneededbyanoutsider · 18/12/2020 00:25

@namechangealerttt

I would hate to be your sisters boyfriend. I would find it so stressful being in a strangers house overnight for the first time and not a place to escape to 'for an early night' if necessary, you have to be the last to go to bed and up with the first in the morning. I assume your boyfriend is familiar with your house and family? Does he live nearby and could he go home for the night if he , understandably, does not want to sleep in your living room? If he lives nearby, could you sleep the night at his house?
My boyfriend is much more comfortable yes, however every time he stays over he obviously stays in my bed with me. we even split the cost of the double mattress so is half his.

He lives in a city 45 mins away- his family is isolating now to make sure everyone’s healthy for Xmas.
His family has made plans for his room and bed to be used by his grandma whilst he’s here. This was arranged months ago. Sister dumped this on us tonight.
Sister was going to her bf family now want to see us both...

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 18/12/2020 00:26

Well, it’s up to her, isn’t it? It’s completely to ge expected that Christmas sleeping arrangements can’t always be the best on offer. But if she feels strongly (or her boyfriend does) that what’s on offer is so bad she’d not see her family at all over Christmas then what can you do? It’s her choice.

Don’t call it snobbishness, or blame the uni education or the boyfriend’s family’s wealth though. It’s her choice, she owns it.

I think it’s a massive shame she isn’t as excited to see you all as you are to see her. But I’d try not to fall out about it.

Suze1621 · 18/12/2020 00:29

Honestly I wouldn't engage with this nonsense. You and your boyfriend will be staying in YOUR room. Sister snd boyfriend can make a choice - sofa/airbed, nearby hotel/b&b or don't come.

Original poster
Helpneededbyanoutsider · 18/12/2020 00:29

I made this thread so I could offer her nothing but solutions on my messages to her. Trust me I can literally send you screenshots of our messages where I’ve been sweet as sugar. I’m known as the laid back sister and I like to portray that in family group chats!

OP posts:
yellowcatss · 18/12/2020 00:31

[quote htbzLlhcR]@yellowcatss

You're the one that needs to read again.

It used to be the Sisters bedroom before the sister moved out. The bedroom is now the OP's bedroom and OP purchased the double bed to go in it.

The sister doesn't get to get dibs on the room just because it used to be hers.[/quote]
i have grown up children that have moved out the still consider their room their room and the unless the op swapped rooms which seems the case has the op sister ever slept in a room that is not the room she wants to sleep it that seems a very reasonable question? but of course the op can always move the bed out as the only reason she got that room is because her sister moved out which is very nice of her allowing you in.

Original poster
Helpneededbyanoutsider · 18/12/2020 00:31

@NoSquirrels

Well, it’s up to her, isn’t it? It’s completely to ge expected that Christmas sleeping arrangements can’t always be the best on offer. But if she feels strongly (or her boyfriend does) that what’s on offer is so bad she’d not see her family at all over Christmas then what can you do? It’s her choice.

Don’t call it snobbishness, or blame the uni education or the boyfriend’s family’s wealth though. It’s her choice, she owns it.

I think it’s a massive shame she isn’t as excited to see you all as you are to see her. But I’d try not to fall out about it.

Yes we’ve left is as have a think and we’d all really likely to see you.
OP posts:
Charcutaria · 18/12/2020 00:32

@yellowcatss
Oh no it's not. It was the sister's bedroom, it's not now. Especially because the OP has bought a double bed.

Bonnieonthelam · 18/12/2020 00:32

It should be your parents in their bed, you and your bf in your bed, and your sister in the living room, she doesn’t live at home anymore and your bf is just as important as hers. I think she is taking the Piss.

Bonnieonthelam · 18/12/2020 00:35

@yellowcatss
Her sister didn’t allow her in - the sister moved out - the parents are the homeowners not the sister!!

And once you move out - you don’t get to dictate terms on old rooms.

Original poster
Helpneededbyanoutsider · 18/12/2020 00:36

I should mention that the 2 days before coming to see us she will be at her bf’s parents- who are deeply religious and this is obviously a very important time for them.
She’s not very happy about going there as she isn’t religious and never has been. His mother also doesn’t cater for her vegan diet choices and In general she has told us (without bf hearing) she is dreading going there. She is compromising for him- spending Xmas day and Boxing Day there.

Up until tonight we thought she was really looking forward to seeing us, now it’s every solution isn’t good enough and is adamant she’s not coming.

OP posts:
Charcutaria · 18/12/2020 00:37

@yellowcatss
I have grown up children that have moved out the still consider their room their room and the unless the op swapped rooms which seems the case has the op sister ever slept in a room that is not the room she wants to sleep it that seems a very reasonable question? but of course the op can always move the bed out as the only reason she got that room is because her sister moved out which is very nice of her allowing you in
Dead horse, stop flogging, you've completely mis read the Original Post. Give Up.

ineedaholidaynow · 18/12/2020 00:37

Have you got too many households if your bf doesn’t usually live with you?

evenBetter · 18/12/2020 00:37

It’s a problem for the sister to figure out. Don’t give up your bed and have a crap nights sleep just because someone wants to whine about beds and her boyfriends height (!! Seriously, who cares 😂) if she tries to put the organisation details on to anyone else, just laugh, she can figure it out herself. -floor -b&b -go home
If she can’t cope with those options, oh well, how sad, never mind.

htbzLlhcR · 18/12/2020 00:38

@Helpneededbyanoutsider

She is 22 and he is 25
Your sis is being unfair. It's your bed, your room. And why should your boyfriend who is also a guest have to go home like a prev poster said? He still lives ages away and doesn't drive. To get him to get an expensive taxi the 25 miles home is unreasonable.

Tell your sis that single beds are also the same length as a double (unless it's a "small single" like I used to have to fit in my shoebox room - and if so I'm sure he can bend his legs a bit for 1 or 2 nights! The BF can sleep alone in the single bedroom, or they can share the single bedroom. If they really must sleep in the same space (I know me and my partner would rather share a space even if it's the living room floor), then they can compromise and sleep downstairs or drive there & back in one day. Or get a sodding travelodge! Up until I was 23, I shared a single bed with my partner (taller than you say your sisters bf is) in his room! When we got a place and shared a double we felt like Kings! I am 26 and I share a double airbed in my partners living room whenever we visit his family's house. It works just fine and it's so worth it and so lovely to see his family who live about 100 miles away (and we don't drive).

Driving there and back in one day is not cutting any more time out of her Christmas break than driving there on one day and driving back on another... She is just finding excuses and expecting you to do as she says.

Stick to your guns.

Is it possible she's just trying to get out of family Christmas?

Original poster
Helpneededbyanoutsider · 18/12/2020 00:39

[quote Bonnieonthelam]@yellowcatss
Her sister didn’t allow her in - the sister moved out - the parents are the homeowners not the sister!!

And once you move out - you don’t get to dictate terms on old rooms.[/quote]
Yes that’s basically how it happened. Parents agreed as did sister at the time (she was single so had no problem with the single room).

OP posts:
htbzLlhcR · 18/12/2020 00:39

@ineedaholidaynow

Have you got too many households if your bf doesn’t usually live with you?
Not if the boyfriend is a single adult as he can be a bubble with the OP if he's not in another bubble.
Heartofglass12345 · 18/12/2020 00:40

Me and my ex used to share my single bed when I was younger and he is 6ft 4 and I wasn't exactly skinny lol. She's just trying to get her own way!
If everyone knew they were on an air bed in the living room they wouldn't go barging in there first thing in the morning would theyHmm
I doubt anyone would be up that early anyway if they're having a drink as well. Me and my husband have slept on an air bed in our house when we couldn't sleep in our room, they're not that bad.
Don't give in, she's having a tantrum to try and get her own way, she has options!

Original poster
Helpneededbyanoutsider · 18/12/2020 00:41

She also did 4 years at uni (rented year round for 3) so really only came home for a week or two in the holidays- she had holiday jobs/ internships etc around her uni area.
Stopped calling this house her home 3 years ago, had no intention of moving back after uni either.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 18/12/2020 00:41

The ops boyfriend is also a guest so no chance she should give them her bed. A healthy 22 year old too precious for a sofa bed is pathetic.