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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect relative to sleep on the sofa for a night

345 replies

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 17/12/2020 23:22

Hi, just want outsiders opinions. Obviously xmas is coming up and me and my bf, sister and her bf and mum and dad are meeting up as the 3 bubbles that are allowed.
We are meeting up at our parents house which is a 3 bed terrace house. 2 doubles, one single. I still live at home (I’m the youngest) and live in the second double (upgraded from the shoe box room when my sister moved out earlier this year), our parents in the other.
My sister hasn’t seen us a lot this year because of covid so we’re all excited to see her and her bf.

She has now made a fuss about not coming over because of not having her old room and the double bed in it (which i brought) to sleep on during her two night (max) stay. They live an hour and a half away -60 miles one way.

Is it to much to ask to bring their double air mattress and sleep downstairs for a night or two? Or just take the sofas.
How do other people solve issues of houses being too small to fit bfs/gfs/ extended family over?
I believe this is a bit of embarrassment as well- her bf has never been to our little house and grew up in a big house with his own en-suite and everything. She and her boyfriend are both uni educated as are his family- we aren’t.
I think she feels ashamed by her humble beginnings...

OP posts:
LenaBlack · 19/12/2020 07:11

Sorry but this:

The parents' approach just sounds strange. Rather than clearing out the box room and putting a double bed in to accommodate their older daugher (cost a couple of hundred pounds), they want to wait years until a 20 year old is able to give them £7.5k towards a garden room and are perfectly happy for their older daughter to sleep in the living-room or not visit at all until that happens.

Your parents don't care if she comes as they can't even agree to this..you said the box room had a single bed and shelfs in at the moment, not a walk in wardrobe so the parents want it in the future...you could have had the room ready before xmas!

I bet the garden room won't happen.

If I was your sister I would not come to stay in the living area either.

IndecentFeminist · 19/12/2020 07:14

Why on earth would your sister be contributing to a garden Room?!

HotelliFinlandia · 19/12/2020 07:18

The £7.5k is the answer in the longer term OP. Add to it and get a deposit for your own place.

Move out. Presumably near by, due to your work.

That frees the room you're currently in, meaning place for your sister to come, or anybody else who wants to visit.

Job done!

Oh, but bring your bed with you when you move out!

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/12/2020 07:29

When you reach your parent’s age and perhaps have children, I really hope you will look back and reflect that it is wrong for parents to expect their adult children (who are just starting out in life) to pay for their home improvements when that adult child doesn’t yet have the means to live independently, let alone purchase their own property. It is far far more difficult to get on the property ladder these days than it was when they were young.

Your parents seem to be very dysfunctional putting a not yet built walk in wardrobe above having a comfortable room for their young adult daughter. I understand why you’re struggling to see this at your age.

jellybe · 19/12/2020 07:33

I can see both your points. I wouldn't want to sleep on the sofa or air bed in the living room due to needing to escape to bed early then others. But at the same time to be able to see my family this Christmas (which I'm not as my dad is shielding) I'd totally suck it up.

I think she needs to decide what she wants to do with out any attempt at guilting you and your parents and just accept that this year is different.

jellybe · 19/12/2020 07:37

@Helpneededbyanoutsider

I should mention that the 2 days before coming to see us she will be at her bf’s parents- who are deeply religious and this is obviously a very important time for them. She’s not very happy about going there as she isn’t religious and never has been. His mother also doesn’t cater for her vegan diet choices and In general she has told us (without bf hearing) she is dreading going there. She is compromising for him- spending Xmas day and Boxing Day there.

Up until tonight we thought she was really looking forward to seeing us, now it’s every solution isn’t good enough and is adamant she’s not coming.

Well technically she isn't allowed to do that. You can't see one set of people one day and then another the next. You can bubble up to three households but it has to stay the same three for the five days.
empiricallyyours · 19/12/2020 07:41

I agree your £7.5k should be saved for a house deposit and not a garden room in your parent's house. They should pay for that themselves, so that you'll get a foot on the housing ladder when you're ready. You sound like you're paying your share of bills already and that should be enough. Try to talk to them about this, explain that you're worried about the future and ask if they can afford to fund it themselves, or at least agree to give you back the £7.5k when you need it. This then gives them an interest free loan if they can't afford to do it all themselves now and they can start saving a little pot for you, so that you'd have the deposit when you need it.

IndecentFeminist · 19/12/2020 07:49

Given your parents are mortgage free I really can't see why they think it reasonable that their two daughters should pay for their home improvements? This is most odd.

AppleJane · 19/12/2020 08:05

So your sister has her rent paid by her parents and she's so grateful that she's coming up with excuses why she can't visit? (covid aside)

Sounds like she is ashamed of her family but their money is good enough.

Boulshired · 19/12/2020 08:05

Your parents are causing problems in your relationship with your sister whether you can see it or not. Whilst you cannot make your children’s lives equal in outcomes you can equal out the support. This will become a festering mess of resentment. I have helped with university costs for my oldest, him and his sister know she will get the equivalent wether at university or saved for another life event. I cannot imagine in any circumstances paying one child’s rent whilst accepting help from another child to cover home improvements, because I want a walk in wardrobe. especially when the first child earns more.

oknowimscared · 19/12/2020 08:20

Rather than spending a fortune on a garden room, or filling the box room with a double bed, have a look at click-clack sofa beds. They only take the room of a single bed most of the time, but open out to about a small double (so still room for shelves etc, even though it is a bit tight on the odd occasions the sofa’s being used as a bed)
www.made.com/yoko-click-clack-sofa-bed-quartz-blue

pickingdaisies · 19/12/2020 08:42

Put your sister's uni stuff in a box in the loft (or under your bed) then there's room in the box room for an air mattress on the floor, a small double, or a small sofa bed, whatever. As a family, your priorities need a reset. Keep your money for your own future. Your parents have paid off their mortgage and can afford to subsidise your sister, so they don't need your money. You do.

timeisnotaline · 19/12/2020 12:09

Nobody pays their parents back for bringing them up. I wouldn’t be able to have my house if Id paid my parents the 1/2 mill it cost to bring me up. They’ve renovated their house to be more comfortable for visiting family because they wanted to. Your parents don’t want to enough. Please keep your £7.5k.

Nottherealslimshady · 19/12/2020 12:22

Your sister is having her rent paid by her parents despite being in full time employment. The least she can do is sleep on a sofa to visit them.

Sounds like she's the self-appointed golden child and cant possibly be expected to accept anything but the best.

empiricallyyours · 19/12/2020 15:51

I'm wondering what your family dynamics are like. From what you've said, I get the impression that, despite earning more, your sister is the 'needy one' and guilts your parents into helping her and you are the 'coper' and they more or less leave you to it and even accept help from you. Am I close? If so, has it always been like this? Perhaps it's time to change the family dynamics?

BlueThistles · 19/12/2020 16:00

@Nottherealslimshady

Your sister is having her rent paid by her parents despite being in full time employment. The least she can do is sleep on a sofa to visit them.

Sounds like she's the self-appointed golden child and cant possibly be expected to accept anything but the best.

Agreed...
Wheresmykimchi · 19/12/2020 16:02

Yeah, this is all very strange.

AmberItsACertainty · 19/12/2020 16:22

@Boulshired

So the parents take money off the child earning the least and hand it over plus more to the child earning the most living in a 2 bed flat, and are going halves on a garden room with a 19 year old who is still low on the ladder. Visits are the least of the problems.
This! OPs parents are making money out of her, although they're not calling it rent.

They'd have to pay the whole council tax regardless of whether OP lives there or not. I rent a one bedroom flat, the council tax is around £10/wk and gas/electric around £60/quarter each. So with OP paying 1/3 council tax on a 3 bedroom house with no mortgage and £50/pcm for gas/electric she's essentially paying rent for her room, although I expect it's cheaper than market price. She's also furnished it, which probably meant saving up as she's a low earner and had to go halves with her boyfriend. So no way should she be expected to give up her bed so her sister and sisters boyfriend can have sex in it. Sister's boyfriend wouldn't have to sleep in the living room, OP's sister could do that and give him the single bed in the box room. The sister is being precious and needs to realise that as she no longer lives in the family home she doesn't get to pull rank over which room she has.

OP, please don't pay 7.5k for the creation of a room in a house you don't own, that money can go towards your house deposit. Your parents are already making money out of you, you don't owe them this as well. They want you to stay, if it wasn't you it'd be a stranger lodging in their house if they wanted to keep the income, they're benefitting from this arrangement too.

If parents have decided on a walk in wardrobe instead of a third bedroom, they need to own that decision and tell potential visitors to book a hotel as there's nowhere for them to sleep. Your sister needs to take her uni stuff home. (What is it with children moving out but leaving behind anything they don't want to take, then expecting their parents to keep it for them forever more?). If she did that perhaps your parents would be willing to compromise on the box room and have bunk beds for guests with a wardrobe for themselves in the room? Which would be a more welcoming prospect for their own daughter than telling her to get a hotel. Although as she earns enough and they still pay her rent(!) perhaps they see no harm expecting her to pay up for a hotel.

AmberItsACertainty · 19/12/2020 16:48

OP you're 19 you should be young and carefree, not feeling responsible for your parents and sisters happiness, or like you have to make amends for being born! Your parents chose to conceive you, you don't owe them for bringing you up. You're not responsible for the happiness of other adults either. If your parents want money they can charge a little more for your room rental and stop paying your sisters rent which she can easily afford to pay herself.

If sister and boyfriend want more money they can get a 3rd person into their shared flat to replace the one who left. It's not a HMO if the occupants left behind have to cover the absent 3rd persons rent. With a HMO the landlord rents the rooms separately and people share the communal areas, with a flatshare the occupants are responsible jointly for the rent and must replace someone who leaves themselves.

Angrywife · 19/12/2020 17:27

I presume you're in England so its no longer an issue after the 180 Boris has just done, but to answer your question, we don't have guests stay.
No spare beds so no guests.

Yogalola · 19/12/2020 17:37

Boris has solved this now, no sleepovers for Xmas just daytime visits.

Bakingcupcake · 19/12/2020 18:44

They cant stay over now anyway so i wouldn't worry about it!

Passenger42 · 19/12/2020 18:54

Christmas sleepovers are cancelled, stay safe and don’t put your parents at risk for one day, celebrate at Easter when we have had a vaccine x

Emeraldshamrock · 19/12/2020 18:56

I assume she wanted a room for some privacy during the day.

Frazzledstar1 · 19/12/2020 19:23

Could you not stay at your boyfriends for the night then your sister and I her bf sleep in the double? That’s what I’d do if it’s an option.