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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to expect relative to sleep on the sofa for a night

345 replies

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 17/12/2020 23:22

Hi, just want outsiders opinions. Obviously xmas is coming up and me and my bf, sister and her bf and mum and dad are meeting up as the 3 bubbles that are allowed.
We are meeting up at our parents house which is a 3 bed terrace house. 2 doubles, one single. I still live at home (I’m the youngest) and live in the second double (upgraded from the shoe box room when my sister moved out earlier this year), our parents in the other.
My sister hasn’t seen us a lot this year because of covid so we’re all excited to see her and her bf.

She has now made a fuss about not coming over because of not having her old room and the double bed in it (which i brought) to sleep on during her two night (max) stay. They live an hour and a half away -60 miles one way.

Is it to much to ask to bring their double air mattress and sleep downstairs for a night or two? Or just take the sofas.
How do other people solve issues of houses being too small to fit bfs/gfs/ extended family over?
I believe this is a bit of embarrassment as well- her bf has never been to our little house and grew up in a big house with his own en-suite and everything. She and her boyfriend are both uni educated as are his family- we aren’t.
I think she feels ashamed by her humble beginnings...

OP posts:
Hunnihun2 · 18/12/2020 05:51

@Floralnomad

If I were your sister and the option was a blow up bed or sofa then I wouldn’t stay either , I’d just come for the day .
Exactly OP sisters is entitled.
BusySittingDown · 18/12/2020 05:56

Why can't they just share the single bed for crying out loud? That's what I used to do with my now DH when I still lived at home. He's 6'3!

In fact he used to come and stay with me at Uni and we used to share my not even single bed (it was tiny). Sometimes he'd stay for days too. We coped!

Crustmasiscoming · 18/12/2020 06:12

Whether or not you believe your BF needs a break it isn't fair to leave an elderly woman to care for someone for 5 days over Xmas, so it isn't appropriate for your BF to visit. Even if she claims that she is able to do it people of that generation will feel pressured to agree even if they cannot really cope especially if they think it is the only way that a family member will get a break.

Oh, give over. You don't know anywhere near enough about the situation to make those kinds of assumptions about the boyfriend's family. The OP said she's 67! My mum is 69 and is, frankly, in better shape than I am. She would laugh in your face if you called her elderly and insinuated that she couldn't care for someone else. In fact, she does do a lot of caring for her uncle, who actually is elderly and needs the help.

Anyway, OP, this while thing sounds silly. Your sister is being very spoilt and selfish. Why on earth would it be expected for you and your boyfriend to be thrown out of your bedroom in order for her to sleep there? Just because she wants her old room? Tell her to sling her hook.

NewPapaGuinea · 18/12/2020 06:12

Gift her a single pea as an xmas present.

I fail to understand people’s attitudes like this. They should just sleep in the sofa/air bed and be done with it.

jelly79 · 18/12/2020 06:14

Your sister sounds like a princess. You are entitled to want your boyfriend over and to share a bed!
My sister, dh and 2dcs are coming over and we will all just sleep wherever to be together!

MessAllOver · 18/12/2020 06:19

I don't think you're being unreasonable but, personally, I'm past the stage in life where I'll happily sleep on someone's floor or sofa with no privacy (especially at Christmas, when I want to have a relaxing time). This is especially so since I tend to go to bed quite early and others tend to stay up later - awkward to kick them out of the living room so you can exhaustedly start blowing up your air mattress Confused! So I wouldn't expect you to give up your room, but I'd book a hotel, Airbnb or come for the day.

Womencanlift · 18/12/2020 06:24

You absolutely shouldn’t give up your room OP. When you leave home, you leave home none of this ‘my adult children’s room is always their room’ regardless of how long they have been out for and whether someone else has moved into that space

Your sister, and some posters on this thread, is very precious and needs to deal with the fact that she is a guest now and not a permanent resident. In my experience it’s the guests who sleep on the temporary beds and with absolutely no complaints. I am more than happy to be on my mums sofa next week if it means I get to spend time with her over Christmas

Tamtam86 · 18/12/2020 06:35

There is no reason for you to give up your bed!

Me and DH would sleep on a blow up bed in the conservatory at my parents when my nan was staying in my old room, my sister and her bf in her old room and brother in his room (double bed) when he was back for uni holidays, as we were only staying a night or two and everyone else for longer. I would never dream of kicking either of my siblings out of their rooms! And I'm the eldest btw, but I don't believe that means my needs trump theirs!

If they want privacy surely they can share the single room, one in the bed and one on the floor!?

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/12/2020 06:40

Going back to the comment that a double bed would fit in the room but pretty much nothing more, I would offer to clear the room for your sister so that a double bed fits in. Tbh this is going to be an issue going forward. If your parents can afford to buy a double bed, now would be the time get a bed for the room. Your dsis can then take some or all of her remaining stuff when she leaves or store it in the loft, presuming there is one.

Much as it is against the rules to see your dsis, your parents will be very upset if they don’t see her. They already seem resigned to playing second fiddle to the boyfriend’s family. I would make something possible for them.

Then if your sister still won’t come, it’s about more than just a bed. But you will have tried your best to facilitate her.

Womencanlift · 18/12/2020 06:45

That’s a good point about going forward. Sounds like the bf’s family will always get priority at Christmas because of their religious beliefs. Does that mean your parents will never see their daughter on Christmas Day if she stays with this guy?

Your parents will be so grateful to see her that you may end up feeling like second fiddle as and when the prodigal daughter comes home

MessAllOver · 18/12/2020 06:53

Expecting guests to sleep on sofas or blow up beds in living rooms is a very good way of discouraging unwanted guests Wink.

What I can't stand is people who offer their guests what is clearly an uncomfortable option and then get offended when they say they'd actually rather stay at home in comfort.

ThelmaNotLouise · 18/12/2020 06:53

I would hate to visit a partner's parents for the very first time at Christmas and have to sleep in their living area, so if I were the boyfriend I would feel awkward about that! But I'd book an airbnb nearby rather than make everyone do musical beds.

AuntyFungal · 18/12/2020 06:53

Yes OP - some of us are sticking to the rules & having to make hard choices this year about who we see.

DH, DS, me & (my) DM = 1 household (DM is in our bubble)
DFiL & DMiL = 1 household
DSiL = 1 household

& that’s our Christmas group. Total.

DH is one of four siblings. So we & PiL won’t be seeing the other two sibling family groups. Those siblings won’t see their parents.

I won’t be seeing any of my family apart from DM.

That the rules. Hard choices about who we see.

gingerbiscuits · 18/12/2020 06:55

I don't see why you should have to give up your room/bed for her - she's your sister - not an elderly relative!
There's a single room/bed - they can get a single or double blow up mattress to go in there so they can still have privacy.
Your sister needs to get a grip & suck it up for a few days - the fact that you're able to be together at all is what counts, surely??

Notonthestairs · 18/12/2020 07:03

This sounds simply like an older sibling pulling rank and hoping it works.

Don't give up your bed - if you do it this time every time they visit you'll be expected to.

Nuie · 18/12/2020 07:04

Good grief OP what a precious precious your sister is, the absolute fucking cheek of expecting you and your bf to give up your bed for her. Tell her to get stretched.

Dh and I are sleeping in a tent on Christmas Day night (at our suggestion).

Nuie · 18/12/2020 07:05

At my PILs house in their garden I should add.

MargotLovedTom1 · 18/12/2020 07:06

I'm past the stage in life where I'll happily sleep on someone's floor or sofa with no privacy, - are you 22 though?! At that age I was happy to doss anywhere after a good night out, or for a weekend visit. The sister is being a complete diva, along with those saying "Oooh it would be so stressful sleeping in the living room." Honestly!
And as for the PP making out the sister has been so gracious "allowing" the OP to take the room...a room she doesn't use in a house she doesn't own. What a crock of shit!

Stick to your guns OP.

notdaddycool · 18/12/2020 07:10

This year they should really go home. Also I wouldn't be up for someone outside my household in my room this year. I also think it's important your sister comes to terms with the fact it's your bedroom now, if she gets it this year she'll ask for it for many years to come. Is there any chance of an airbed or a campbed fitting in the single room?

Alez · 18/12/2020 07:12

Why does her comfort trump yours? People who put guests first....she's her sister! It's not like you move out of your family home and then immediately become some God who everyone has to bow down to! As she's the oldest she's probably used to getting her way to (I say this as the oldest myself). Don't let her kick you out of your room. They could share the single, one of them be on the single and one on the sofa, or both in the living room on a double air bed. Obviously none of those options are as good as a double but it's Christmas and that's how it is. At my parents my DH and I sleep in bunk beds.

MessAllOver · 18/12/2020 07:13

Well it depends really...

They are all adults.

The OP is not being unreasonable to refuse to give up her room.

Sister is not being unreasonable to vote with her feet.

Sister is being unreasonable to whine at OP about it and OP is being unreasonable to expect sister to put up and come and stay regardless.

The correct response is "This is what's on offer. Take it or leave it". With no guilt or recriminations on either side.

Iorderedyouapancake · 18/12/2020 07:18

What are you hoping to achieve by sending her suggestions OP? I think her decision not to come sounds pretty sensible both due to the bubble issue and the lack of a big enough spare room - I’d also choose to stay home in her situation. I think if you keep trying to pressure her to change her mind it will just turn the whole thing into an unnecessarily big deal and cause more stress.

KatherineJaneway · 18/12/2020 07:21

Why wouldn’t you just go home?

Presumably because they want to drink.

Don't give up your room OP! Firstly she'll cave when she realises her demands won't be met, secondly it sets a huge precedent. You'll be expected to give up your room in future for her, not a good precedent to set.

CarryOnFestiveNamechanging · 18/12/2020 07:28

If I were here I’d just come for the day and go back to my own bed!

AlternativePerspective · 18/12/2020 07:29

Well, you’re in breach of the rules so she shouldn’t be coming.

And yes, if she’s planning to meet up with more than three households, then that puts you in breach of the rules as well. The rule is very specific, three households in total. So that means if your sister has contact with three households and you’re one of them, you can’t have contact with anyone else.

Maybe she actually doesn’t want to come but doesn’t want to outwardly say she wants to spend time with her bf’s family instead.

Just tell her that actually for her to come is breaching the rules so you can’t have her over after all.

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