Page 12 | Aibu to expect relative to sleep on the sofa for a night

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 2020-12-17T23:22:01+00:00

Hi, just want outsiders opinions. Obviously xmas is coming up and me and my bf, sister and her bf and mum and dad are meeting up as the 3 bubbles that are allowed. We are meeting up at our parents house which is a 3 bed terrace house. 2 doubles, one single. I still live at home (I’m the youngest) and live in the second double (upgraded from the shoe box room when my sister moved out earlier this year), our parents in the other. My sister hasn’t seen us a lot this year because of covid so we’re all excited to see her and her bf. She has now made a fuss about not coming over because of not having her old room and the double bed in it (which i brought) to sleep on during her two night (max) stay. They live an hour and a half away -60 miles one way. Is it to much to ask to bring their double air mattress and sleep downstairs for a night or two? Or just take the sofas. How do other people solve issues of houses being too small to fit bfs/gfs/ extended family over? I believe this is a bit of embarrassment as well- her bf has never been to our little house and grew up in a big house with his own en-suite and everything. She and her boyfriend are both uni educated as are his family- we aren’t. I think she feels ashamed by her humble beginnings...

MessAllOver · 18/12/2020 23:10

They pay her half of the rent in her and her bf’s flat that they’re currently living in. She works full time on a better salary than my parents get individually.

Goodness! I'm beginning to feel a little sorry for your parents. Do you at least pay rent to them and your share of the bills?

Bibidy · 18/12/2020 23:10

And you may not like the term but you are 'blocking' the double room and it sounds like you intend to do so for a long time. If you both lived away from home, you could take turns having the room if you were visiting at the same time. Your parents may be happy with the arrangement and there are clearly sensible reasons for it from your side (saving for a deposit etc.) but the overall result is that your sister is pushed out. So I can see why she's not thrilled.

I honestly can't understand this attitude. OP's elder sister is only 22, which means OP is probably, what, 20?! It would not be at all unusual nowadays for both to still be living at home.

She's not 'blocking' a bedroom and pushing her sister out, she just still lives in her family home?! That is not weird and I don't think she's being selfish not wanting to move out of her own bedroom when her sister returns home for a couple of days.

If she was storing stuff in that room but still sleeping in the other then I'd say yes, she's 'blocking' the room - but the fact that the house is still her home and that's her bedroom...that's not blocking, that's just...living there .

By that measure, you could equally say that their parents are blocking the other double!

Boulshired · 18/12/2020 23:11

But that between them and her, you say you get on but the sibling rivalry is there. If she is this snobby, university educated, free loading manipulating person, then leave it be. Your sister has been called all sorts on this thread, it’s only when people play devils advocate that another character flaw of your sister appears.

MessAllOver · 18/12/2020 23:14

By that measure, you could equally say that their parents are blocking the other double!

It's their house and they pay the bills (unless the OP contributes).

Bibidy · 18/12/2020 23:19

@MessAllOver

By that measure, you could equally say that their parents are blocking the other double!

It's their house and they pay the bills (unless the OP contributes).

Yeah but it seems they are happy having OP living at home and wouldn't consider her presence to be a problem. I don't think people would usually consider their kids to be blocking a room. They were obviously happy for OP to move into the bigger room when her sister moved out, which again I think is pretty normal going by friends' experiences when older siblings moved out.

I really think it would be fairly unusual nowadays for both children to be moved out of their family home by 22 unless it's while they're at university, so I don't think OP should be castigated for still living there.

Just because her sister has moved out doesn't mean she needs to rush to do the same if she's not in a position to do it/not ready.

Original poster

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 18/12/2020 23:27

@MessAllOver

They pay her half of the rent in her and her bf’s flat that they’re currently living in. She works full time on a better salary than my parents get individually.

Goodness! I'm beginning to feel a little sorry for your parents. Do you at least pay rent to them and your share of the bills?

Yes I pay them 1/3 of the annual council tax and £50 a month for electric/ water etc

OP posts:

gypsywater · 18/12/2020 23:29

Cant you stay in the box room and let them have the double room for their stay?

Original poster

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 18/12/2020 23:30

@Bibidy

And you may not like the term but you are 'blocking' the double room and it sounds like you intend to do so for a long time. If you both lived away from home, you could take turns having the room if you were visiting at the same time. Your parents may be happy with the arrangement and there are clearly sensible reasons for it from your side (saving for a deposit etc.) but the overall result is that your sister is pushed out. So I can see why she's not thrilled.

I honestly can't understand this attitude. OP's elder sister is only 22, which means OP is probably, what, 20?! It would not be at all unusual nowadays for both to still be living at home.

She's not 'blocking' a bedroom and pushing her sister out, she just still lives in her family home?! That is not weird and I don't think she's being selfish not wanting to move out of her own bedroom when her sister returns home for a couple of days.

If she was storing stuff in that room but still sleeping in the other then I'd say yes, she's 'blocking' the room - but the fact that the house is still her home and that's her bedroom...that's not blocking, that's just...living there .

By that measure, you could equally say that their parents are blocking the other double!

Yeh I’m 19... working in my dream career but low down the ladder- plan to climb up after more experience.

OP posts:

gypsywater · 18/12/2020 23:30

Just seen about walk in wardrobe sorry!

MessAllOver · 18/12/2020 23:32

@Bibidy. Tbh, this is all beginning to sound a bit odd.

The OP and her sister both sound a bit immature and entitled. The OP because she thinks she should be able to occupy a double room in her parents' house rent-free for years without sharing it with her sister until she's saved a deposit. The sister because she thinks she only needs to lift her hand to kick her little sister out of her room and because, despite having a well-paying job, she relies on her parents to pay her rent (if the OP is to be believed).

The parents' approach just sounds strange. Rather than clearing out the box room and putting a double bed in to accommodate their older daugher (cost a couple of hundred pounds), they want to wait years until a 20 year old is able to give them £7.5k towards a garden room and are perfectly happy for their older daughter to sleep in the living-room or not visit at all until that happens.

None of this makes sense.

PerveenMistry · 18/12/2020 23:37

@IndecentFeminist

Paying half the rent through uni is very different to housing you indefinitely. It is a very normal state of affairs to help a child through university, continuing education towards independence. Living at home indefinitely is less so.

You don't sound like you want any independence? Which strikes me as odd. From your most recent posts I do feel a little more that you are being slightly more unreasonable, you're not planning on moving out of your parents' home for the foreseeable so there is nowhere for her to stay full stop.

What utter hogwash.

A 19-year-old and you insinuate she is some sort of long-term freeloader or failing to launch? Tripe.

Multigenerational households are the norm for many cultures and families. And indeed more sensible economically and environmentally than each adult financing an individual dwelling.

Thegreymethod · 18/12/2020 23:51

@SunshineCake

Maybe they don't want the sofas as they want to have sex in a bed.

In the OP's bed...... can't think why she wouldn't be comfortable with that..... and maybe the OP might want to have sex and do it in her own bed, not on the couch! (Although can't think of anything worse on Christmas night, I'm usually so full I can just about make it upstairs)

ElizaLaLa · 18/12/2020 23:54

Your sister needs to get over herself. Me and my Dh have slept on sofas or a mattress on the front room floor when we've stayed over unexpectedly. No hardship 🤷‍♀️

Boulshired · 18/12/2020 23:58

So the parents take money off the child earning the least and hand it over plus more to the child earning the most living in a 2 bed flat, and are going halves on a garden room with a 19 year old who is still low on the ladder. Visits are the least of the problems.

CranberryCaballe · 18/12/2020 23:59

Another younger sister here and I sympathise OP. I didn’t move into my sisters bedroom when she moved out as I liked my own. Mine had two single beds in from when we were young and shared a room. Useful if I had friends to stay and older sister could sleep there if relatives staying. This was abused however with me finding I was sharing the room with strangers/sisters friends. Strangely a leg broke on the bed (oops) so it was got rid off and not replaced.

I don’t do floors and wouldn’t stay anywhere now where i was asked to.

Original poster

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 19/12/2020 00:10

[quote MessAllOver]@Bibidy. Tbh, this is all beginning to sound a bit odd.

The OP and her sister both sound a bit immature and entitled. The OP because she thinks she should be able to occupy a double room in her parents' house rent-free for years without sharing it with her sister until she's saved a deposit. The sister because she thinks she only needs to lift her hand to kick her little sister out of her room and because, despite having a well-paying job, she relies on her parents to pay her rent (if the OP is to be believed).

The parents' approach just sounds strange. Rather than clearing out the box room and putting a double bed in to accommodate their older daugher (cost a couple of hundred pounds), they want to wait years until a 20 year old is able to give them £7.5k towards a garden room and are perfectly happy for their older daughter to sleep in the living-room or not visit at all until that happens.

None of this makes sense.[/quote]
I do contribute financially. Parents don’t have a mortgage so asking for rent isn’t necessary.

Until summer, when my sister and her bf move flats they agreed to pay for her half of the rent. They live in the flat that her bf and his flat mate used to share (hmo) and I tied into until the summer (12 month contract). It’s a licensed hmo and is priced as that- per room basis.

I think they were hoping instead of spending their pension savings- which is where all their savings currently go, sister will step up and pay the other half with me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 19/12/2020 00:13

@Boulshired

So the parents take money off the child earning the least and hand it over plus more to the child earning the most living in a 2 bed flat, and are going halves on a garden room with a 19 year old who is still low on the ladder. Visits are the least of the problems.

I completely offered and am happy to pay towards the garden room. I have over half of the money now, I’m a good saver and would give them my last penny if they were happy- there same approach to financially supporting my sister. It’s all out of love.

OP posts:

MessAllOver · 19/12/2020 00:14

I think they were hoping instead of spending their pension savings- which is where all their savings currently go, sister will step up and pay the other half with me.

Sorry, this is very unclear - why would you pay anything towards your sister's flat?

MessAllOver · 19/12/2020 00:18

I completely offered and am happy to pay towards the garden room. I have over half of the money now, I’m a good saver and would give them my last penny if they were happy- there same approach to financially supporting my sister. It’s all out of love.

If this is real, you absolutely should not hand over your savings to your parents. Pay them a fair contribution as rent and bills while you are living with them, but that should be all. There appear to be a few boundary issues going on in your family, OP - your parents should not be taking your money to hand over to your sister or for home improvements.

Original poster

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 19/12/2020 00:38

@MessAllOver

I think they were hoping instead of spending their pension savings- which is where all their savings currently go, sister will step up and pay the other half with me.

Sorry, this is very unclear - why would you pay anything towards your sister's flat?

Sorry if it’s confusing, I’m talking about the garden room

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 19/12/2020 00:42

@MessAllOver

I completely offered and am happy to pay towards the garden room. I have over half of the money now, I’m a good saver and would give them my last penny if they were happy- there same approach to financially supporting my sister. It’s all out of love.

If this is real, you absolutely should not hand over your savings to your parents. Pay them a fair contribution as rent and bills while you are living with them, but that should be all. There appear to be a few boundary issues going on in your family, OP - your parents should not be taking your money to hand over to your sister or for home improvements.

Yeh I’d agree there’s issues lol... if it will make them happy why shouldn’t I pay for it? Then sister could use it and see us more, other family to maybe. They have paid for me my whole childhood- more than 7.5k. I couldn’t guilt free go travelling or spend it on whatever else without doing something to improve their lives in some way.

OP posts:

timeforanewstart · 19/12/2020 00:55

60 miles is a long way for a day to be far , but if not big people surely can make do with a single for couple nights or blow up double
But yo be fair if she isn't happy doing that then she has a right to say no as well as it doesn't suit

MessAllOver · 19/12/2020 00:56

Look, you're very young. You need to save for your own future not your parents' garden room. You might very well want to move out in a couple of years and live independently with your boyfriend. Living at home at 19 is not unusual, but by 22/23 you may find you want to spread your wings a little and having savings will be helpful then.

It's also not for you to "manage" your family's relationship with your sister by funding your parents' project. She's also young at 22 and deserves a home to come back to, but your parents have a perfectly good option to sort the box room for her. Neither of you or your boyfriends should have to sleep in the living-room.

They have paid for me my whole childhood- more than 7.5k. I couldn’t guilt free go travelling or spend it on whatever else without doing something to improve their lives in some way.

I'm going to be blunt here and I apologise if you're offended.

Treat them to a meal out in a nice restaurant. Then stop being the goody-two-shoes sister and spend the money on yourself. You'll only end up resenting the "prodigal" sister even more when you've given your parents all your savings and that won't be good for either of you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/12/2020 05:20

Messallover
Is correct. You shouldn’t be contemplating spending your house deposit savings on a nice to have garden room when they have a perfectly serviceable spare room to house your sister when she come over. Their reasoning is bonkers and pushing her away. You don’t owe your parents anything. I’m baffled that you think your sister would consider forking out 7.5k when your parents are paying half her rent. Surely they should just stop immediately seeing as your dsis can now afford her own rent?

christmasathomeagain · 19/12/2020 06:43

Wow this thread moved overnight!

Op, your parents need to stop paying your sisters rent and save that money towards paying their own garden room. You are living at home to save for a deposit on a house so why would you put yourself back years to give them £7,500? Thats madness.

Back to original query - you are not wrong to not give up your room. Sis boyfriend can have privacy and a room to retire to, he can have the single bed in the spare room. Dsis has to sleep on sofa or blow up bed. For years we slept (and still sometimes do) on my brothers sofa bed. Its no big deal and more than worth it to spend time with family.