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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to expect relative to sleep on the sofa for a night

345 replies

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 17/12/2020 23:22

Hi, just want outsiders opinions. Obviously xmas is coming up and me and my bf, sister and her bf and mum and dad are meeting up as the 3 bubbles that are allowed.
We are meeting up at our parents house which is a 3 bed terrace house. 2 doubles, one single. I still live at home (I’m the youngest) and live in the second double (upgraded from the shoe box room when my sister moved out earlier this year), our parents in the other.
My sister hasn’t seen us a lot this year because of covid so we’re all excited to see her and her bf.

She has now made a fuss about not coming over because of not having her old room and the double bed in it (which i brought) to sleep on during her two night (max) stay. They live an hour and a half away -60 miles one way.

Is it to much to ask to bring their double air mattress and sleep downstairs for a night or two? Or just take the sofas.
How do other people solve issues of houses being too small to fit bfs/gfs/ extended family over?
I believe this is a bit of embarrassment as well- her bf has never been to our little house and grew up in a big house with his own en-suite and everything. She and her boyfriend are both uni educated as are his family- we aren’t.
I think she feels ashamed by her humble beginnings...

OP posts:

Biancadelrioisback · 18/12/2020 12:42

I honestly can't image being so precious about where to sleep for 2 nights! Usually over Xmas DH, DS and I crash wherever there is space for us! If that's includes DS and I sharing a single bed and DH on a single blow up mattress, all of us on sofas or managing to bag a double bed. I'm there to see the people and have a lovely time. I'm gracious that they are happy for us to stay over! Plus it's only a couple of nights!
Tell your sis to grow the fuck up and if she really is only bothered about where she sleeps then to hell with her

NewlyGranny · 18/12/2020 12:48

If your parents have offered to give up their own room and your sister has refused, you are under no obligation to vacate yours!

I have 2 DDs and the elder had a very much bigger room than the younger for years. When she left for uni, we kept the younger in the smallest room for a whole year so DD1 could have her room in vacations. I can't remember why we did that but emotional blackmail from DD1 was a factor.

In year 2, DD2 helped me redecorate the bigger room and she bought a big bed, just as OP did. I redecorated the little room for DD1 to use in vacations so it was fresh and welcoming. DD1 was not happy. I used to hear her go up the stairs and stamp hard outside "her" old room on the way to her new one if her sister was in there. 🙄

If you give in to this, OP, you will be vacating every time your DSis comes home. Start as you mean to go on.

"It's my room now, Dave!"

Thisismylife1 · 18/12/2020 12:53

Why are you meeting up! Honestly it’s not worth the risk.

ErickBroch · 18/12/2020 12:53

I can't believe people think YABU - your sister is just being demanding. YANBU at all to want to stay in your room with your boyfriend.

Dyrne · 18/12/2020 13:00

@Thisismylife1

Why are you meeting up! Honestly it’s not worth the risk.

Particularly as OP clearly hates her sister... can’t imagine why she’s not keen to come home

Newkitchen123 · 18/12/2020 13:00

[quote Helpneededbyanoutsider]@ineedaholidaynow I don’t think so:

Me, mum and dad

2 my bf 3 sister and her bf ( they live together)

Sister seems to think you can change your bubble- we’ve told her that’s not allowed but what do we know? 🤭
So she bubbling with;
Firstly;
-her and her bf

bf’s mum dad and sister
older sister and her husband

Then us.[/quote] This is definitely against the rules. The 3 households can't be chopped and changed

Nowaynothappening · 18/12/2020 13:02

Definitely don’t give your bed up. Tell her to bring a double air bed and they can sleep in the spare room. She needs to get over herself as well, if he judges her family then he isn’t the right man for her.

YoniAndGuy · 18/12/2020 13:04

There is absolutely no bloody way you should be hoofed out of your room, and I'd say that's going to look MORE embarrassing for her tbh... the boyf realising that he's effectively kicked his gf's sis and boyfriend out of their room - eek. What do you do the next morning - knock quietly 'Sorry, only me - could I just get a clean pair of me pants from that drawer? Ta...' (!!!)

Look, the best way to sort this for everyone sounds like a b&b. Level with sis, say it IS cramped and if they all stay that's going to be obvious whoever is bedding down on the sofa - people are going to be running round clearing sleeping bags out of the way before anyone can go in the sitting room etc. - would it be best if they got to have a b&b (nice one, treat for Christmas) - that way, house gets to look it best for new boyf with no camping out needed, also new boyf gets to have some downtime away from all the family he's only just met too?

If sis is a little uneasy about introducing boyf to her home patch, it is a good way to ease that.

AliceMcK · 18/12/2020 13:14

It’s your room now, you should not have to give it up because she wants her old room. I use to always accommodate guests rearranging things, no more as it’s never reciprocated, I now won’t move my children let alone an adult, if we have guests they get the double blow up mattress. I use the have a sofa bed but don’t any more.

I might feel different for an elderly relative but not my young fit & healthy sister wanting things her own way.

Aprilx · 18/12/2020 13:15

You definitely should not be turfed out of your room, your sister and her BF should use the single room, one in bed and one on floor maybe. I would not want to sleep in the living room of my parents house and I definitely wouldn’t want to in a strangers house.

However this should not be happening anyway, there are far too many household mixing over the days, as far as I can tell:

you and your parents
your boyfriend and his father
sister and her boyfriend
your boyfriends grandmother
sisters boyfriends parents and sibling
sisters boyfriend other sibling

You should knock this whole thing on the head as you are all breaking the rules.

Bibidy · 18/12/2020 13:21

I don't get how OP is being called unreasonable when her own boyfriend is also a guest in the house?

Is she supposed to tell him "Oh sorry love, we can't sleep in MY bedroom because my sister has demanded to sleep there instead"?

Boulshired · 18/12/2020 13:50

You can hold two views, one sister wants to keep her own room, the other doesn’t want ad hoc sleeping arrangements including sleeping in the living room. Both sisters are at an age / stage of wanting to include their boyfriends and the house doesn’t fit all of them. So it’s not unreasonable for OP to not give up her room but it’s also not unreasonable for the sister to decide to stay at her flat. I can bet if a started a thread about my boyfriend wanting me to go to his families house that I had not been to and I had to sleep in the living room and I said I’d rather stay at home people would understand.

anguauberwaldironfoundersson · 18/12/2020 14:14

I don't think you should be turfed out of your room in favour of your sister.

If it was the other way around, would your sister make way for you?

If you were both visiting then who would be the one to get the room.

Don't give in, it's up to her if she chooses not to come

Original poster

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 18/12/2020 14:25

[quote Calmandmeasured1]**@winterberries77

The boyfriend will have to take you all as he finds you. Nothing to be ashamed of being poor. Insist on the air bed.
The OP hasn't said they are poor. More humble beginnings of living in a little house, rather than living in a big house with an en suite, doesn't necessarily equate to being poor.[/quote]
Yeh we aren’t poor. Live in a very affluent area, in the biggest house that my parents could afford when they first got married. They never had financial help.
For 25 years my dads wages went entirely on the mortgage. They both have worked full time their whole lives, regularly doing over time to give themselves and us luxuries.
I admire my parents and their hard work and appreciate what they’ve both sacrificed. So I can’t say we’re poor at all.
My parents could cash in their pensions and move to a place like my sister boyfriend’s parents’ but they’re both a few years away from retirement and will be wanting that money.

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 18/12/2020 14:38

@LimpidPools

She's doing that post-uni childish thing where she hasn't quite realised that she's moved out and what that means. I.e. that she doesn't live there any more and doesn t get so much of a say. She sort of isn't her younger sister's equal in the household and she won't like that one bit.

The question of bubbling and who sees who etc is pretty much outside OP's control. There's no point giving her a hard time about that.

All this "I wouldn't sleep in a communal area/anywhere but a hotel" is all very well when you're 50, but the OP's sister and her boyfriend are in their early 20s. They can deal. There is a single if it's all too much for the boyfriend. (Is this part of the problem - they'll just have come from v religious family and been required to sleep separately there? This wouldn't make me any keener to surrender my bed tbh.)

OP, just stick to your guns. Your room. Your bed. Her options: air mattress or go home.

Yes at his parents they have to sleep in separate beds. At their flat they sleep together in the king size (his mother thinks she sleeps in the spare room at their flat)

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 18/12/2020 14:55

@mrsm43s

Long term this is going to be an issue. Even in non-Covid times, your parents are going to want both their children able to stay comfortably in their home for visits, including their partners.

So get an ottoman double (or small double) for the spare room, and put all the stuff currently stored in the room under the bed in the ottoman storage.

Job done, and a long term solution. Your parents now have a guest room that is suitable for the people that they are most likely to want to stay (your DS and BF).

Whilst I do think that your DS is trying to pull rank as eldest, it really isn't reasonable to expect her DB to stay in the communal area of a family home when he doesn't know the family well. You are very clearly refusing to compromise and digging your heels and trying to pull rank as the most important because you live there. To your parents you are both equally important, and you should be working together to make sure you can both stay.
Neither of you come off well here, tbh.

Exactly, if she doesn’t come this Xmas which it’s looking like she won’t. Then after covid etc I have a feeling it’s going to be the same issue.

We wouldn’t mind going to theirs for the night but I know my dad will be disappointed to be served vegan Xmas dinner (he’s a trained butcher and his favourite part of Xmas is the food), he accommodates them with nut roast, quorn etc.

The rest of our family- aunts and uncles etc we’re not close with (never have been) and I always thought we’d always stay the strong unit we were growing up.

In my mind Moving forward (post covid) if I offer my bed and they take it- they’re going to expect it all the time and she will always think of it as her room.
If my bf ever doesn’t stay then I’m again expected to give up my bed for them?

I have taken a long term job here in the town my parents house it in and can’t see myself moving out whilst I have this job. I don’t have enough for a deposit on a mortgage and refuse to pay the extortionate rent, being the youngest my parents are desperate to not have an empty nest until retirement which realistically is going to be when I have a deposit built up anyway. I’m here for the long hall basically really don’t see myself uprooting every time they come up.

I can only see remodelling the house (loft conversion etc), hotels/ Airbnb’s/ her not staying and just driving up, as the solutions unless she’ll swallow her pride get on the air mattress down stairs. Anyone think of anything else.

Ps. I’ve seen the comments about remodelling the box room into a double and parents hate that idea, would rather have a storage room/ walk in wardrobe or room they can actually have a use out of in their own home.

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpneededbyanoutsider · 18/12/2020 15:03

@Helpneededbyanoutsider

Hi, just want outsiders opinions. Obviously xmas is coming up and me and my bf, sister and her bf and mum and dad are meeting up as the 3 bubbles that are allowed. We are meeting up at our parents house which is a 3 bed terrace house. 2 doubles, one single. I still live at home (I’m the youngest) and live in the second double (upgraded from the shoe box room when my sister moved out earlier this year), our parents in the other. My sister hasn’t seen us a lot this year because of covid so we’re all excited to see her and her bf.

For those who are new; Theyre not coming this year because of the sleeping arrangements not to mention covid.

Now wanting ideas of how to fit 6 adults in a 5 sleeping capacity house when sister and her bf won’t compromise.

OP posts:

MrsPaddyGrant · 18/12/2020 15:11

I don't think its reasonable to ask you to give up your room. She's moved out and has to accept the sleeping arrangements offered - its only 2 nights.

One christmas when i was little (i'm one of 5) both my DB's wanted to come home for Christmas with their wives and children. My DB3 and DSis and me had to sleep in the living room and give up our bedrooms - DB2 and his family got the double, 1 SIL and baby got the box room and DB1 slept in his car in the garage! None of us moaned we just got on with it as it was only for a few nights and we wanted to be together at Xmas.

LST · 18/12/2020 15:20

Woah! Wtf are some of these comments! There is no way I'd give my bed up for someone else to sleep in it with their partner! You are not being unreasonable!

Boulshired · 18/12/2020 15:34

You either really don’t like her or their is some serious sibling rivalry going on. Let her stay at her flat and arrange a no boyfriends family meet up when it’s ok to do so. Wanting her to swallow her pride and get on a air bed. Why? Like you say, (not sure why the size of her bed is relevant) she got a king size at her flat she would prefer.

R3ALLY · 18/12/2020 15:34

Sorry to be the Covid police but that’s your family, your sister and partner, your partner and then the two boyfriends’ families (including at least one Granny) all meeting , or within one degree of meeting over the space of a few days ...

Sceptre86 · 18/12/2020 15:47

If she doesn't live there anymore she needs to get over the having her old room. She either sleeps on a pullout or forks out for a hotel over Xmas. If it is only a1.5hr trip she could just drive. I wouldn't want to give up my bed for my sister and her oh.

It sounds like none of the options would be good enough for her and she is very selfish if she would allow her parents to sleep on a pull out bed whilst she had their room.

When my family come over I would happily give up my bed for my mum and dad or my mil but other couples can either sleep in the spare room or downstairs. If it is not convenient they can stay in a hotel.

Thegreymethod · 18/12/2020 15:57

She sounds really selfish, of course you shouldn't give up your room for her, it would be different if she was an elderly relative but I think she's taking the piss, I can't believe people have suggested your boyfriend shouldn't stay to accommodate them! Why should he mess around with taxis or having to drive and I'm sure you'd like to spend the night with him!
People are missing family this year either they can't see them or they aren't here anymore I think your sister really needs to get some perspective on how lucky she actually is.

Bibidy · 18/12/2020 16:04

I think your sister is being totally unreasonable to expect to sleep in your bedroom when you are there and need somewhere to sleep as well.

HOWEVER:

I’ve seen the comments about remodelling the box room into a double and parents hate that idea, would rather have a storage room/ walk in wardrobe or room they can actually have a use out of in their own home.

I'd advise your parents to think carefully about that as long-term this means your sister is very unlikely to want to stay over, ever. I'd be urging them to think about a sofa/day bed which spends most of its time taking up no more space than a single but can fold out to a double as well.

ChloeCrocodile · 18/12/2020 16:11

Your sister needs to stop being precious. My mum's house can no longer accommodate us all due to partners / kids. So we go home, or sleep on sofas / air beds. I'd never even consider kicking my brother out of his bedroom at the house!

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