AIBU to never see my friend the same way again?

[ChristmasIvy]

Name changed for this as it could be outing.
A good friend of mine has just “given back” her new puppy after just 4 weeks. Her two kids (11 and 7) are totally devastated. She says she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it was bad for her mental health, so she knew it was better to just give him back. I am totally shocked and distraught for her poor children, who were told this was their early Christmas present. I just don’t understand why you’d give up so easily - what was she expecting from a young puppy?! I’m finding her weak at best and quite cruel and selfish at worst. DH says I probably don’t know the full story but AIBU to be struggling with how I feel about her now?!

As I said upthread, we have a rehomed dog, with us for 5 years now. I occasionally bump into the old owner, she says a quick hello to the dog but I can still see the relief in her eyes. I don’t judge her actually, they made the right decision, the dog was miserable with them and ignored, to keep the dog would have been much worse for it. In her case, the kids weren’t bothered either, they had very busy schedules, whereas my dc adore her.

Research is important though, if you actually do it right. It will tell you dogs need several walks a day, they need fully trained in everything from a puppy, what to feed it (the amount of fat dogs out there is insane), etc. Buying a dog based on its breed because it will be 'easier' is daft too. You might be lucky and get what you want, you might not. And as someone else said, you should be accepting what you have, you wouldn't give your children away.

I am fed up of people using the excuse of 'it's too hard' with pets. See it all the time with horses, some dumbass moves to the countryside, buys land and buys a pony. Pony is then over fed, under cared for and left to suffer because dumbass doesn't know what to do and then gets rid of it saying it was too hard.

Dogs are hard to look after. Hence why I won't have one.

Sites like pets4homes are full of people giving away young dogs for free/cheap, and that will only get worse as people go back to work normally at some point next year. At least she was sensible enough to return it to the breeder.

@CakeRequired

Research is important though, if you actually do it right. It will tell you dogs need several walks a day, they need fully trained in everything from a puppy, what to feed it (the amount of fat dogs out there is insane), etc. Buying a dog based on its breed because it will be 'easier' is daft too. You might be lucky and get what you want, you might not. And as someone else said, you should be accepting what you have, you wouldn't give your children away.

I am fed up of people using the excuse of 'it's too hard' with pets. See it all the time with horses, some dumbass moves to the countryside, buys land and buys a pony. Pony is then over fed, under cared for and left to suffer because dumbass doesn't know what to do and then gets rid of it saying it was too hard.

Dogs are hard to look after. Hence why I won't have one.

Comparing a dog to a child is absurd. Dogs do really well when rehomed - most of my childhood dogs were passed on to us by people who, for some reason or another, couldn't keep them. They were always a bit unsettled on the first night, and happy as anything after that. Far happier than they would have been in their previous homes.

I have more respect for the people who admit they made a mistake ,acknowledge they can't cope and rehome/return the dog/puppy responsibly than the ones that bury their head in the sand and then neglect said dog/puppy and ruin them so they can gave an easier life AND a dog.

I’d have given ours back in a heartbeat in the first couple of weeks if dh would have let me. There was so much going on in our lives when we got her...

So glad I didn’t.

But a puppy is fucking hard work.

I’m finding her weak at best and quite cruel and selfish at worst.

You should let her know this, so she knows what kind of 'friend' you are.

And then maybe dial back the dramatics. YABU.

Gosh I loathe people that take on animals that they don't understand. Rabbits in cages too small, dogs that don't get trained, walked or made obese by feeding them junk and insufficiently exercising.

I would rather the dog was given up and went to someone that would care for it but I can literally feel myself getting angry at the bike humans that buy dogs that they won't do their best by.

My puppy was a horror show, despite having had older dogs before. He bit unrelentingly until 5 months old. However I had researched before hand and knew it was common in his breed type in puppy hood and that it would pass.

Totally unreasonable. You don't like your friend clearly. Otherwise you would never judge her so harshly. If this was one of my friends I would not judge at all. I would be worried if they're ok and try to support them and understand what's going on in their life. As for the children, well they need to learn that things don't work out sometimes too and they'll get over it and perhaps get a dog later on when their mother is in a different place mentally. As for the poor puppy, less then idea, hopefully someone else will pick her / him up.

Have you never made a decision that you needed to go back on due to your mental wellbeing ? I guess you must be perfect.

I understand your shock but it’s probably better to give it back early than to neglect or harm it. Puppies can be as much work as kids! Little bee in my bonnet this morning thanks to reading about the charming lady who poured boiling water on her baby. If you can’t look after something or feeling like harming it please please just give that baby/puppy etc to someone who will look after it. Sorry for hijacking your thread. I would cut her some slack
Myself

No they need to learn that their mother makes poor childish decisions and gives up when things get difficult.

I'm with you OP. DDog is now snuggled in bed with me. She is a dream now but was a nightmare for her first 9 months as ALL PuPPIES are. We were prepared for this as we did extensive research before getting her as responsible adults do.

Ex friend of mine gave away her two elderly dogs to separate homes and replaced them with a shiny new puppy. I know another woman who flushed her living tropical fish down the toilet as she didn't want them anymore. She is also an ex friend. These acts revealed a side of their character that changed the way I saw them but, looking back, they were twats in other ways too.

Have you never made a decision that you needed to go back on due to your mental wellbeing ? I guess you must be perfect

Personally, no I have never made a decision that I needed to go back on due to my mental health.
I doubt many people have.

I have gone back on a decision because I have double booked myself or found something was more involved than was first explained or just couldn’t be arsed but never blamed it on the fact that I was mentally ill.

So you feel awful for the puppy and awful for the kids but feel nothing but scorn for your ‘friend’ who is struggling a lot with her mental health?? Jeez with friends like you who needs enemies!

The puppy will be fine. It'll be rehomed, and better now than later. I know someone who had to do similar and she felt tremendous guilt but really had no choice. Times can be very hard.

Your husband seems to have more empathy than you.

I did this but after 7 months. DH bought my DD a beagle puppy for Christmas. The dog was a nightmare. She wrecked our garden, was impossible to train and was just didn't fit our family. My DH contacted the breeder and he took her back. Yes our children were upset but not devastated and they got over it.

I am retired, have plenty of time to devote to training, picking up poo, not a problem, I had owned a dog before, I did loads of research before buying my dog, but honestly, he nearly finished me off!
I did keep him and am so glad now that I did, but if I had small children and other responsibilities, I would not have been able to cope for the first year. He was so full on all the time, it was like trying to care for a really clever toddler who never got tired, and could escape from any kind of pen or restraint, and who was strong enough to pull me over.
I think she did the right thing for her family and the dog, I am fairly optimistic and mentally stable, but I was pushed to my limits!

@grapewine

I’m finding her weak at best and quite cruel and selfish at worst.

You should let her know this, so she knows what kind of 'friend' you are.

And then maybe dial back the dramatics. YABU.

I agree, if my friend was this judgment ask I'd want to know so I could ditch her.

Also pretty disgusted with @Oliversmumsarmy that in 2020 people still say "blame it on mental health issues". Are you being obtuse or do you genuinely not understand the difference between double booking an appointment and mental health deterioration as reasons to go back on a decision?

“Are you not shocked and distraught that this poor animal was bought as a toy for children and then returned as if it was faulty?”

Yes, quite clearly the OP is, considering it is the entire point of the post.

And it's not the same as "sending a child back". Jesus, I worry about some people if they equate actual human children with pets

@Oliversmumsarmy

^Personally, no I have never made a decision that I needed to go back on due to my mental health.
I doubt many people have.

I have gone back on a decision because I have double booked myself or found something was more involved than was first explained or just couldn’t be arsed but never blamed it on the fact that I was mentally ill.^

You’re very fortunate then that you’ve never been mentally ill and made poor decisions as a result. Or made decisions that contribute to a worsening of your mental health. I can assure you, up in your obtuse ivory tower, that MANY, MANY of us have indeed been in such positions and they are a hard reality for many of us. I’m as pleased you’re not my friend as I am pleased that I don’t have the OP in my life. Actually makes me chilled to the core that people still hold your narrow-minded and horrible views.

I have never ever had any MH issues but I find it gross when other people wear this as a badge of honour. Like they're stronger than someone who has. I've also never broken my leg or had a chronic disease - both of which, like mental health issues, are down to shit luck rather than a conscious decision not to be mentally ill.
And let's face it, a broken leg, chronic disease or MH issue could be just round the corner for any one of us

Yes, it would make me view her differently. I would see her as being weak, puppies are hard work (I had two siblings at the same time so I know how hard it can be) and at times you probably do think 'what have we done'! But to actually give the puppy back does indicate a weakness of character.

I was sleep deprived, my previously pristine house was wrecked, it was winter so the house was also permanently cold as the back doors were open as they were in and out of the garden, floors wet from being cleaned constantly, but it would have felt so selfish to hand them back, I made the decision to take them on, it was up to me to suck it up.

A few months on and spring sprung and my two naughty little puppies were turning into gorgeous dogs, order returned to my home, and now I have two well behaved, loving, clever and quite frankly, wonderful adult dogs. The puppy stage passes!

@LovingCountryLife - you’d “see her as weak” ??? Did you miss the part about her having had to reluctantly give the puppy back because she was experiencing mental health problems? Would you still describe her as “weak” if she’d had to regime the pup due to a cancer diagnosis? Or if it was interfering with her diabetes control? Or is it just those of us who have a mental illness who are “weak” in your eyes?