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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to never see my friend the same way again?

286 replies

ChristmasIvy · 17/12/2020 17:46

Name changed for this as it could be outing.
A good friend of mine has just “given back” her new puppy after just 4 weeks. Her two kids (11 and 7) are totally devastated. She says she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it was bad for her mental health, so she knew it was better to just give him back. I am totally shocked and distraught for her poor children, who were told this was their early Christmas present. I just don’t understand why you’d give up so easily - what was she expecting from a young puppy?! I’m finding her weak at best and quite cruel and selfish at worst. DH says I probably don’t know the full story but AIBU to be struggling with how I feel about her now?!

OP posts:
SchrodingersImmigrant · 17/12/2020 22:41

quite cruel and selfish at worst

Actually it would be cruel and selfish to rry to keep the puppy and hating it.

I do agree with others that people bloody need to do their research! It's disgraceful to just get animal without proper research into it. It's a living creature

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 17/12/2020 22:44

My struggles with returning a rescue pup are well documented in one of the puppy threads so I won’t revisit here. But just to say, if you’re worried about her children, I thought ours would never, ever forgive us for rehoming her. I sobbed myself sick over it (and we were lucky to be able to rehome ours to a family that keeps us updated about how she’s getting on, she never went back into kennels). But the kids are actually fine. I get more upset looking at photos of her than they do. The youngest occasionally says she misses her. The eldest (who was the biggest dog lover of us all) rarely mentions her. Ultimately the level of stress in the household grew to such an extent that I think even they were a little relieved when the decision was finally made. So you may find the children are fine. Or maybe I’ll be back here in 5 years saying our teenage children hate us for it and are throwing it back at us at every opportunity!

Nymeriastark1 · 17/12/2020 22:45

You're distraught for her children that will get over it in about a month? Hmm Next you'll be giving the old MN classic, I'm shaking with rage as I'm typing this.

Twiddlet · 17/12/2020 22:50

It’s best for the puppy. A month of no sleep - which can easily happen - can be devastating to your health. I wouldn’t judge quite so easily.

Mittens030869 · 17/12/2020 22:52

Sorry, but we don't actually know that she has MH issues. There is a tendency to blame everything on MH issues. Most people struggling with their mental health don't announce it this glibly. The majority of my friends don't know about my MH problems. And the OP hasn't said that this friend has a history of MH issues.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 17/12/2020 22:52

You're distraught for her children that will get over it in about a month?

My kids wouldn’t ‘get over it’ in a month. Our pets are at the centre of our family. I’m so glad my kids are so caring.

CakeRequired · 17/12/2020 22:52

How can people be saying that others are being judgemental? How are there actually people out there who don't know that a puppy is hard work? It's like saying a baby isn't hard work then complaining about being tired when you've got one. It's obviously hard work. You've got to train the puppy, it isn't born being toilet trained. It isn't born knowing how to walk on a lead, or not to bite, or chase things. Those things are instinct to it. It needs taught, just like you teach a baby to go to the toilet, to walk, to talk etc.

Some people have a severe lack of basic common sense about them. It's quite shocking. It's not as if you can't look any of this stuff up either, it's all online now. There's no excuses.

CattyP89 · 17/12/2020 22:54

Everyone saying people throw the term mental break down around too easily- works both ways people are very quick to assume it can’t surely be mental health. Everyone’s mental health is different and is triggered/worsened/helped differently. Cut the women some slack yes she should have researched but she’s re homed him and that best for all involved.

Nymeriastark1 · 17/12/2020 22:59

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

You're distraught for her children that will get over it in about a month?

My kids wouldn’t ‘get over it’ in a month. Our pets are at the centre of our family. I’m so glad my kids are so caring.

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze they had the dog for 4 weeks, they'll live. Hmm
Mittens030869 · 17/12/2020 23:01

You're distraught for her children that will get over it in about a month?

Ridiculous. I gave my DNephew one kitten out of a litter that one of my cats had. (She only had one litter, three years ago; she was spayed immediately afterwards.) Yes, it was a Christmas present, but I knew that my DSis is a responsible pet owner,

Anyway, my DNephew was attached to the kitten immediately and they're still best friends now. And I know that he would have been devastated if that kitten had been rehomed. (It would have taken a lot more than one month,)

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 17/12/2020 23:06

Nymeriastark1

You’re not someone I’d choose to be around in real life so you’re not any more worth my time on here. 👋 🍑 🍩

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 17/12/2020 23:08

Mittens030869

Your nephew sounds lovely. 😊

Syrrup · 17/12/2020 23:12

Yanbu to be disappointed in your friend - puppies are hard work but that's well known. But they only get harder to deal with so probably better she gave it up now as a pup rather than later as a poorly socialized, poorly trained adolescent dog who might struggle to find a new home.

Cherrysoup · 17/12/2020 23:13

She’s done the right thing, IMO. Puppies are bloody hard work. Puppy blues is a thing.

AngelDelightUK · 17/12/2020 23:21

I have three dogs of a high maintenance breed, all of who I had with my late husband. The youngest one nearly broke him, despite the face we were, by then, very experienced in the breed. His mental health suffered and I was sympathetic, but if he had followed through with his threats of taking her back then I would have chosen her over him. My other two adored her, she was (and still is) my little shadow and there’s no way I could’ve given her up. Even if she still doesn’t let me sleep all night!!

She’s a nightmare, and honestly i do think she would’ve ended up in rescue if she’d been in an experienced home. If your friends pup was like this then it’s no wonder she was at breaking point

Derbee · 17/12/2020 23:22

Probably best for the puppy. But I wouldn’t have anything to do with her again. Not the sort of person I could be friends with

malificent7 · 17/12/2020 23:26

I think you are being very dramatic op. How can anyone know how difficult a puppy is if you have never had one before?. Contrary to most of mn i think rehoming pets is fine and often the best decision.

malificent7 · 17/12/2020 23:28

I dont get why you couldn't be her friend. I guess we all have our boundaries. A true friend would be concerned about her mental health and realise that not everyone is cut out for dog ownership...which does not make them a bad person.
The kids may be upset but did they do all the grunt work? I bet mum did it all and couldn't cope.

NoProblem123 · 17/12/2020 23:28

I wish people would give their unwanted rabbits back when they realise what hard work they are, rather than shutting them away in tiny hutches and trying to forget them for the next 10 years Sad

prawntoastie · 17/12/2020 23:32

I would be the same as you. I am a complete cat person, have been from birth and I got a dog last year Feb, he was a nightmare, shit, pee, jumping at people (he still does) but I never thought to give him away, he is my love and a lot better, puppies are a nightmare if you don't have the time don't get one.

prawntoastie · 17/12/2020 23:35

People need to research before they get a dog, cat or other pet. its not fair on the pet, would you have a kid then give it away.

This is why so many dogs/cats eat have behavioural issues in homes.

I got my puppy from a guy who brought him then the family didn't want him anymore, he was a nightmare now I just love him so much, he is spoilt

its probably best for the pup

MuckyPlucky · 17/12/2020 23:36

Have I got this right?

You’re more concerned about a largely oblivious puppy going from one home to another home, than about your actual real-life human friend who has told you she’s struggling to cope psychologically/mentally and has two children to care for.

Thank fuck you’re not a “friend” of mine.

OldAndWornOut · 17/12/2020 23:39

There is no doubt that she did the right thing, given the circumstances, but it makes me uneasy when someone can just discard a living soul.

Maybe discard is overly dramatic, but it shows up a different side to someone who could do it. (To me, anyway)

VirtualLearning · 17/12/2020 23:47

I doubt anyone does it lightly, though. My friend did similar and I really had to support her through the pain of it as she loved her young puppy already so much and it was awful for her but she was totally not coping

Dragongirl10 · 17/12/2020 23:48

Yep l would see a friend differently if she behaved like that.

Anyone woth an iota of brain should realise that animals are not toys for Christmas, but a 15 year commitment come what may, and they bite, poo,cry etc for the first 6 months.

It is an appalling thing to do to your children too, she is clearly very immature.