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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to never see my friend the same way again?

286 replies

ChristmasIvy · 17/12/2020 17:46

Name changed for this as it could be outing.
A good friend of mine has just “given back” her new puppy after just 4 weeks. Her two kids (11 and 7) are totally devastated. She says she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it was bad for her mental health, so she knew it was better to just give him back. I am totally shocked and distraught for her poor children, who were told this was their early Christmas present. I just don’t understand why you’d give up so easily - what was she expecting from a young puppy?! I’m finding her weak at best and quite cruel and selfish at worst. DH says I probably don’t know the full story but AIBU to be struggling with how I feel about her now?!

OP posts:
OldAndWornOut · 17/12/2020 23:52

Ah, it makes me feel a bit better if the person suffers Smile

I suppose I know quite a lot of people around where I live who have dogs, cats, birds, and just casually get rid, so I'm judging all to be the same.

Glad I'm wrong.

Lalliella · 18/12/2020 00:13

YABU and it’s none of your business. Far better that the puppy goes to a home where it and its owner will make each other happy. You should be trying to support your friend through her MH issues, not judging her.

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/12/2020 00:16

Yes puppies are hard work.
But on the verge of a break down/affecting her mental health.
Not wanting to put yourself out does not equal having mental health issues

Yeahnahmum · 18/12/2020 00:16

Your friend needs mental help and fast.
Go helpher. You can always end the relationship later. But she sounds like she has reached the end

Lalliella · 18/12/2020 00:17

@MuckyPlucky

Have I got this right?

You’re more concerned about a largely oblivious puppy going from one home to another home, than about your actual real-life human friend who has told you she’s struggling to cope psychologically/mentally and has two children to care for.

Thank fuck you’re not a “friend” of mine.

Yep. And judging the poor woman too.
Mittens030869 · 18/12/2020 00:27

As I see it, I would lose respect for a friend who did that. I wouldn't say anything to her, but I wouldn't be at all impressed. Not so much for giving the puppy away, but for not thinking it through before going ahead with getting a puppy for her DC.

SelkieQualia · 18/12/2020 02:57

@OldAndWornOut

There is no doubt that she did the right thing, given the circumstances, but it makes me uneasy when someone can just discard a living soul.

Maybe discard is overly dramatic, but it shows up a different side to someone who could do it. (To me, anyway)

She didn't discard it. She responsibly returned it to the breeder while it was young enough to be easily found an excellent home. She didn't dump it in a shelter. Far more responsible than hanging on to the poor thing until it was an uncontrollable adolescent.
GlummyMcGlummerson · 18/12/2020 03:03

TBH I think she's absolutely done the right thing. If she can't cope now she's best to return it while it's still young.

I don't get this demonising people who give puppies back on MN. Even when it attacks a child or a member of the house has an allergy. There's worse things people do in life I can't say this bothers me one bit

You're being really judgmental anyway, just be a mate. It doesn't affect you does it

SelkieQualia · 18/12/2020 03:09

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

So you've never made a mistake and bitten off more than you can chew?

But puppies calm down. It gets easier. And when it’s living creature and there’s children involved you really do have to try harder. We’ve had a few puppies, accounts I read online of people’s experiences are very accurate of how life with a puppy is so if you do your research you can have a pretty good idea what it’s like.

It can take years for a puppy to calm down (my dog is settling now - she's 5), especially if the owner isn't coping. All the research in the world won't necessarily prepare you. You may, for instance, end up with a dog that's not typical for breed.
user1471565182 · 18/12/2020 03:18

To be fair my ex once decided to bring a puppy home without asking me then expected me to look after it alone for hours on end, it nearly sent me over the edge mentally. I can understand it a bit.

duckinatruckwithmuck · 18/12/2020 03:22

I’m finding her weak at best and quite cruel and selfish at worst.

What would've been weak, cruel AND selfish is if she'd kept the puppy for the sake of her children despite suffering emotionally and then mistreating the puppy. This isn't about that though is it? This thread is about you attacking your friend.

user1471565182 · 18/12/2020 03:23

I think you have to understand how bad it can be, the one w,hich was forced on me, I couldnt sleep or sit down for more than 2 minutes or it would escape, shit everywhere/piss everywhere (whole house covered in newspaper), bark nonstop and drive the neighbours mad, tear up the furniture, then at bed time if it couldnt come into the room and bed it would bark nonstop. I honestly felt like i was losing my sense of reality, imagine being up every 30 seconds for 20 hours a day.

Sinful8 · 18/12/2020 03:24

Meh its a dog its genetically inclined to be dumb and friendly, from its perspective it had a few weeks of fun and is now back with mum.

Graciebobcat · 18/12/2020 03:27

YANBU. It would totally change my view of someone if they did this.

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 18/12/2020 03:34

It can take years for a puppy to calm down (my dog is settling now - she's 5), especially if the owner isn't coping. All the research in the world won't necessarily prepare you. You may, for instance, end up with a dog that's not typical for breed.

But if you take on a pet, you have to take whatever you get in my opinion. Like children. You don’t hand them back. I know how difficult it can be, I’m currently sleeping on the sofa with our 6 month old rescue puppy. She’s decided she’s needs cuddles tonight. She’s still not fully toilet trained and has taken ages to get to the stage that we can leave her for half an hour. But she’s here to stay because she became family the moment we said we would take her. Oh yeah, and you know, we actually love her. Some other selfish fucker already showed her that she can’t always trust people, that she can be discarded, so we know we may have a long road ahead of us gaining her trust. She’s such a lovely girl and if it takes me sleeping on the sofa with her, not going out much or for long periods or whatever else she needs, we will do that.

I see too many people handing back dogs because of some crap reason or another. It’s very likely that this owner OP talks of just couldn’t be arsed, same as 90% of people that bring the dogs back that I deal with. When they say it’s affecting their mental health, they mean they’re fed up of not being able to do what they want because they have this little pup that needs and wants their time and attention. Zero sympathy for them and every sympathy for the dog who is more likely to have anxiety and behavioural issues. They can be hard to home and it makes it harder for the next owner.

You don’t have to have a pet. Do your research and if you’re not prepared to deal with anything that’s thrown at you, don’t get an animal.

user1471565182 · 18/12/2020 03:42

I can fully believe its fucked her mental health. By the end of my little adventure I was having full on breath stealing panic attacks when people knocked on the door and staring out the windows to make sure nobody was watching me, couldnt go into shops or id fall over from dizzyness and the light (there was other stuff as well but I think that being forced on me triggered it in a really bad way, a massive straw on the camels back)

redcarbluecar · 18/12/2020 04:05

She obviously made a mistake with this but has probably done the right thing now. It’s her family’s business and not really something for you to be shocked or distraught over. If she asks, you could give a (non-dramatic) version of your opinion though.

readingismycardio · 18/12/2020 04:29

I think she did the right thing. It's not easy to look after a puppy, train him, it needs constant attention and patience. Better now than later.

Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 18/12/2020 04:32

I think you are being reallu dramatic and judgemental. You don't get to have an opinion on what someone chooses to do for the sake of their mental health.

famousforwrongreason · 18/12/2020 04:33

You’re shocked and distraught enough to post about the dog, have you no feelings for your friend who is obviously going through hell if she’s had to get rid of the family’s new dog citing mental health issues. If you cared that much you’d be offering to support her and her kids in some way rather than wringing your hands over an animal. She hasn’t had the dog euthanized. She’s done the right thing. You’re the one who sounds bad in all of this

ChestnutStuffing · 18/12/2020 04:54

I don't really think getting a puppy for our own kids as a present is the same as getting one for someone else, I disagree that was the issue here.

Whether it was a gift, or not, the problem seems to have been that she didn't know what puppies are like. I understand, I kind of hate puppies - they are so cute and so much work. I've never taken one back, but I know what I am getting into when I have one.

ChestnutStuffing · 18/12/2020 05:02

This business about research. There is a big difference between reading about taking care of a puppy, or a baby, and actually doing it. A huge difference. It is hugely different than a cat, too.

Researching does not always tell you what something will really be like.

Rangoon · 18/12/2020 05:34

I was going to rehome the puppy we had. We realised we simply weren't home enough for a dog and he was miserable and caused thousands of dollars worth of damage to our house. I contacted the breeder and said I didn't want my money back but I wanted to return him while he was still at the cute puppy stage so that he could get a good home. It was a heart breaking decision. Happily my mother decided that she would take him as she was retired and had other dogs for company and he had a great very spoilt life with her and was always thrilled to see us on visits. Sometimes it is the better decision to accept that you have made a mistake and try to fix the decision rather than making everybody miserable.

Schehezarade · 18/12/2020 06:02

There's too many dogs around imv. Country walk areas near towns must be polluted with dog poo. A radio programme interviewed a customs man at Dover - there are thousands a day coming in in van loads rather than the previous hundreds. So much money to be made they are probably being bred abroad (cruelly) to sell here. She probably doesn't have the skills to care properly better to let it go.

lunalulu · 18/12/2020 06:55

they aren’t the ones out picking up shit
This is the real leveller. There's no getting around it.

To get through the puppy stage, you have to a) have a system and an appropriate area and b) understand some stuff might get wrecked.

The shock of cute puppy being dirty, demanding and destructive (without meaning to be) can just overwhelm some people.

I do think it's a terrible thing to have done to the kids, but if your friend couldn't cope then she had no choice. I'm sure she also felt dreadful to do that.

I wouldn't judge her. Puppies are a very specific challenge, and she wouldn't have known that properly until she had the puppy.