AIBU to never see my friend the same way again?

[ChristmasIvy]

Name changed for this as it could be outing.
A good friend of mine has just “given back” her new puppy after just 4 weeks. Her two kids (11 and 7) are totally devastated. She says she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and it was bad for her mental health, so she knew it was better to just give him back. I am totally shocked and distraught for her poor children, who were told this was their early Christmas present. I just don’t understand why you’d give up so easily - what was she expecting from a young puppy?! I’m finding her weak at best and quite cruel and selfish at worst. DH says I probably don’t know the full story but AIBU to be struggling with how I feel about her now?!

[quote MuckyPlucky]**@Oliversmumsarmy

^Personally, no I have never made a decision that I needed to go back on due to my mental health.
I doubt many people have.

I have gone back on a decision because I have double booked myself or found something was more involved than was first explained or just couldn’t be arsed but never blamed it on the fact that I was mentally ill.^

You’re very fortunate then that you’ve never been mentally ill and made poor decisions as a result. Or made decisions that contribute to a worsening of your mental health. I can assure you, up in your obtuse ivory tower, that MANY, MANY of us have indeed been in such positions and they are a hard reality for many of us. I’m as pleased you’re not my friend as I am pleased that I don’t have the OP in my life. Actually makes me chilled to the core that people still hold your narrow-minded and horrible views.[/quote]
I couldn't have said it better myself. OP has disgusted me to be honest and so has the PP saying they've never made a bad decision based on mental health and thinking most people have not. It's because of people like you, thinking as narrowly as you do, that people struggle so much with themselves when they have MH issues. It's such a shame you have no compassion for other people.

I'm so pleased that I don't see weakness as a flaw with my friends and vice versa

Thank you @babymummy2021 - it’s heartening to know that there are others on here who will call-out this vile narrow-minded judging of those with mental health issues.

For transparency: I have bipolar disorder. Despite being a highly-educated health professional, mother-of-two, and a kind-hearted friend I have made numerous decisions I’ve had to reverse due to my MH, and see it as a responsible act in order to prevent overload and protect my kids from having their mother become unwell. I therefore utterly empathise with the “friend” of the OP, as well as feeling truly sick to my stomach by the blinkered and compassion-less posters such as @Oliversmumsarmy and @LovingCountryLife .

If she really couldn't cope with the puppy then she did the best thing by returning it. Perhaps she didn't know just how much commitment they needed. The lion's share of the care was probably up to her as the kids no doubt only dealt with the nice bits.

You may not like her decision but only she knew how badly her life was disrupted. I'd cut her a bit of slack - in these Covid times some people are really struggling.

Vile woman.

Why is she vile @Janegrey333 - because she has MH issues and didn't want to exacerbate them?

Funny how people are seemingly such lovely folks because they care about dogs, but are happy for human beings to suffer

I agree with you OP.

It's better for the pup but those poor kids. No one seems to mention them. I was around 9 when I got a puppy and I had her a week or so and came home from school and my parents had taken her back to the rescue because they couldnt cope.

It has left me with severe trust issues. If you cant trust your parents who can you trust. And if you love something like an pet and then your parents are the ones to take it away from you even when they know you love it then you cant trust them.

I'm.in my 40s now and I still dont trust my parents with any of my belongings including my pets. We are close but it's a thing they did that we have never talked about and that I can never forget. I still think about the puppy and wander what happened to her.

Whatever the reason for her giving the puppy back she’s done the right thing doing it now and giving the puppy the best chance possible of finding a suitable forever home. It’s a shame this has happened but I do think you’re being very harsh to her and your partner is right there’s bound to be stuff you don’t know about her situation especially given she’s cited her mental health as a reason.

It has nothing to do with you OP. Would you rather she kept the puppy, let her mental health go to shit just so you'd be ok with it??? Mind your own business.

@queenMab99

I am retired, have plenty of time to devote to training, picking up poo, not a problem, I had owned a dog before, I did loads of research before buying my dog, but honestly, he nearly finished me off! I did keep him and am so glad now that I did, but if I had small children and other responsibilities, I would not have been able to cope for the first year. He was so full on all the time, it was like trying to care for a really clever toddler who never got tired, and could escape from any kind of pen or restraint, and who was strong enough to pull me over. I think she did the right thing for her family and the dog, I am fairly optimistic and mentally stable, but I was pushed to my limits!

Aye, babies and toddlers generally don't draw blood when they bite and don't weigh 20 + kg!

YABU

Her children probably didn’t do their share of the care for said puppy and most of it was likely on her to deal with on top of everything else. Better to give the puppy to a better home now than to do it later once the puppy as bigger and the children were more attached.

Your husband sounds like a better friend than you’re being. What kind of friend calls another friend weak, cruel, and selfish over a puppy. Unless she dropped the puppy off in the middle of nowhere, she doesn’t deserve such judgment, especially from a friend. If my husband said something like you about a friend, I’d point out how ridiculous he was being.

*is bigger

It would be much more cruel of her to keep it and not be able to look after it properly, or to return it later on when the puppy would be a grown dog and harder to rehome.

MuckyPlucky

I think there are too many people who say they have a MH issue with something rather than they didn’t think or do their research about something before committing and when they lose patience/can’t be bothered/realise the enormity of what they have taken on it suddenly becomes about their undiagnosed MH condition.

I wonder if this woman has actually got a MH issue or she just found it tough.

Not saying the puppy isn’t better off with someone who can look after it bit I would be more sympathetic towards someone who actually said they couldn’t cope with a puppy or had made a mistake than blame it on a made up MH issue that wasn’t there before

@Oliversmumsarmy FFS she ISN'T "blaming" it on a MH issue, that IS the reason she's given the puppy back. As a PP said if she'd had a cancer diagnosis and gave the puppy back would you be so judgmental?

GlummyMcGlummerson
What is the difference between “blaming” or giving the “reason” of MH issues. They both mean because of MH reasons.

Also unless this woman has a diagnosis of MH issues your cancer diagnosis example doesn’t work.

@Oliversmumsarmy

"Also unless this woman has a diagnosis of MH issues your cancer diagnosis example doesn’t work."
What? So unless it's diagnosed it's not there

[quote Nymeriastark1]@Oliversmumsarmy

"Also unless this woman has a diagnosis of MH issues your cancer diagnosis example doesn’t work."
What? So unless it's diagnosed it's not there [/quote]
My dad kimd of used to say that😂
He was healthy till he went to doctors😂

It was me who enquired as to why people call people who can’t cope because of MH illnesses “weak” when they’d never say the same if someone was struggling with a broken leg or cancer or their diabetes.

I speak from experience. Experience of having bipolar affective disorder. I’m a highly-educated mental health professional and mum of 2.
I also happen to have bipolar disorder which has meant I have constantly faced the kind of judgy ill-informed shite that @Oliversmumsarmy and @LovingCountryLife have spewed-forth on this thread, calling the OP’s friend things like “weak” and doubting her MH reasoning as if they are somehow mental health professionals and happen to know her. As they are neither, I suggest they suspend their harsh judgement of others over a fucking puppy.

Leaving this thread now as it’s making me seriously worry about others judging me for some of the decisions I’ve had to make to protect my MH and ensure my kids have a stable mum. I really wish I hadn’t unearthed this thread with these vile views on, it’s going to make my return to work next week after a recent relapse even harder, knowing there are still people around who judge others so harshly.

Lol I was expecting to read that she'd done something really really terrible judging from the title.

I think the worst part is her buying a living creature for Christmas. It doesn't send a good message to the kids,

It's sad that they're upset about it but ultimately it's better for the puppy if she can't cope and hopefully she'll think more carefully before taking on an animal in future.

MuckyPlucky

I was not directing at you I was actually judging the amount of people who just because they don’t want to do something they say it is because of their MH.

I was actually trying to say that you have a MH problem and it is being diluted by the number of people who just say they have MH problems when it suits them.

What would you say if someone didn’t want to queue but barged in front of you because they said queuing triggered their MH.
Had that a few times.
I cannot believe there is that many people who become mentally unwell if they have to queue.

Oliversmum, why don't you put down the shovel, now? You're really not helping anyone, here.

MuckyPlucky, , take heart. Most people are compassionate, kind and understanding, most of the time. Promise.

Thanks @ArabellaScott . I used to think so, until I read this thread and realised with a dizzying vertigo how many narrow-minded bigoted morons there are. Or maybe it’s just that those with limited experience in humans are over-represented amongst the vehemently dog-loving brigade (a brigade I’m gleefully happy to say I don’t usually have the misfortune of mixing with ). I tend to hang around with humans who understand humans, rather than wax-jacketed gammony nutters who think dogs are a gift sent from God and should be prioritised over and above a human’s psychological well-being.

Well, we all have our issues. I think some times people focus on animals over humans as a reaction to their own social-emotional problems. It's a form of misdirected/displaced anger, I imagine, and I expect it also deserves some compassion and understanding. We're all just struggling along, really.