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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to send him a copy of her pass-agg card?

303 replies

HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 15:34

I have received a marvellously nasty Christmas card from my sister-in-law. Absolutely dripping saccharine venom.

Now normally I wouldn't dream of passing shit like this around. I might take a sanity-check with someone close to me whom she'll never meet, but in general I wouldn't show private correspondence around.

I also feel strongly one shouldn't mess with loyalty between husband and wife.

Buuuuuut... she's signed my DB's name to her shit. Shock

DB is usually the one who writes the cards to me, or at the very least they both sign them. There's nothing to show he's even seen this one.

My options are

a) I can ignore and have my DB wondering why people are apparently behaving weirdly.

b) I can speak to her directly – my normal approach, but in my old age I've learned that engaging with batshit just elicits... more batshit.

c) I can send him a copy of the card she has written and to which she has appended both his and her names.

Now it may or not be an actual good move to send him a copy: still pondering that one! But in terms of whether it's ethically permissable:

YABU: it's a private note from her to you, he's not entitled to know the contents and what's more you should be at pains never to play husband off against wife;

YANBU: it's a note with his name at the bottom, he's entitled to know what's being said in his name.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 17/12/2020 16:14

I think you need to give the context for her message for it to make sense. Why does she think you have abandoned her babies? Does she actually use multiples of the same letter in words or is that just your interpretation?

Nore · 17/12/2020 16:15

@CuriousaboutSamphire

What the hell did you do to her babies?

Or did they just grow up and become autonomous adults?

Don't tell me they are cats...

Bon chance indeed!!

I'm going with chihuahuas. Pampered chihuahuas. Maybe the OP didn't buy them a handbag or a canine pedi for Crristmas?
ancientgran · 17/12/2020 16:17

Bit weird. Did you forget a child's birthday or something, would still be OTT but just wondering what the motivation could be.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/12/2020 16:17

X-posted with you @HubrisPolice , but my post still stands.

Depends on what actually happened. Did you move away? Did you stop providing free and on-call childcare? Did you leave them in the bus station with a paper tag around their necks?

BlueFringe · 17/12/2020 16:18

If his name is on it, it’s not a private note from her, and he deserves to know what she’s writing in his name.

You should absolutely send him a copy.

OnePointOneName · 17/12/2020 16:18

@BigBadVoodooHat

YABU to think we’re not all immediately going to demand to know what she’s written!

I suspect 45 pages of ‘what did it say?!’ Was the actual point of this thread.

If the OP returns, they’ll likely decline to reveal the ‘venomous’ content because it’s ‘outing‘.

Seems you're wrong!

@HubrisPolice, honestly I'd probably just leave it unless an argument has been years in the making. If you really want to talk to your brother about it, I'd not be PA, just tell him that you didn't appreciate the sentiments of the card his wife sent, especially suggesting it was from him too. Perhaps in future she can tell you directly about any issues brewing and can keep cards to the usual faux-niceties.

Original poster
HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 16:18

CookieClub, that's exactly the sort of thing I normally suspect myself of. So I'm really easy to bait, because I continually doubt myself.

But no, this was batshit enough for even me not to swallow.

Yeah, it's absolutely about plausible deniability – but even my brother is going to read that and go "Eh, WTF's she talking about?" It's neither his voice nor his general style at all.

So he might have signed off on it – easier and more important to keep the peace with his wife. Or he might sigh deeply at seeing it.

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 17/12/2020 16:19

OP, you lost all my sympathy when I heard you were a baby abandoner. I suppose you'll try and justify this by saying they became adults. Or their DM stopped reciprocating with your DC. Or other self-serving things we might expect a baby abandoner to say.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/12/2020 16:19

Did you abandon her babies in the woods or something?

Zilla1 · 17/12/2020 16:20

Is there time for you to post a babygro or rattle for the babies? Will no one think of the babies?

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 17/12/2020 16:23

So who are these babies you've abandoned so heartlessly?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 17/12/2020 16:24

PP1 - Absolutely dripping saccharine venom.

PP2 - I've got no idea what that means.

Beautiful oxymoron. As far as the exact content of this specific card is concerned I don't know either, but I know exactly the type of behaviour this describes. Ugh.

Why would people do this? The answer's simple: plausible deniability. A bitter, spiteful comment sugar-coated in a syrupy tone means they can fire their shot but if challenged can say target is the aggressor. Textbook DARVO. If you challenge them in any way, I can guarantee this is what will happen. I'd go one further: it's probably what she wants to happen, so she can then revel in the status of wronged party.

It's why I despise passive aggressives and see them as the ultimate cowards. I prefer the direct approach too, but with people like this unfortunately that doesn't work. You say in your OP that engaging with batshit only elicits more batshit - and how right you are.

You have a third option: do nothing. Ignoring her is hard but responding in any way would be playing into her hands. It would also frustrate her far more. What could be more frustrating than trying really hard to insult someone, only for them not to pay you the courtesy of even noticing?

CookieClub · 17/12/2020 16:25

@HubrisPolice

Blimey, I only clicked away to finalise my Xmas groceries order.Shock

It was an ordinary "to Hubris, love DB and SIL" on one side of the card.

And on the other part of the inside, it was a breathtakingly passive aggressive paragraph – along the lines of "It's soooo saddddd you've abandoned my babies, but maybe one dayyyy you'll love themmm again. Adieu, et bon chance!"

That's not word for word – but not far off. Honestly, it was batshit.

If I hadn't seen OPs on MNs containing exactly the same sort of cobblers I would be wondering if I'd entered a parallel universe.

Honestly, I couldn't leave this kind of stuff hanging in the air. I'd be inclined to phone her..thank her for the card, but explain you're baffled by the paragraph about her babies, did she put it on the right card and what does she mean??

Clear the air without arguing.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 17/12/2020 16:25

@HubrisPolice

CookieClub, that's exactly the sort of thing I normally suspect myself of. So I'm really easy to bait, because I continually doubt myself.

But no, this was batshit enough for even me not to swallow.

Yeah, it's absolutely about plausible deniability – but even my brother is going to read that and go "Eh, WTF's she talking about?" It's neither his voice nor his general style at all.

So he might have signed off on it – easier and more important to keep the peace with his wife. Or he might sigh deeply at seeing it.

Ok, so what would you hope to achieve by sharing it with him? I assume your antagonistic relationship with your SIL isn't news to him? What would it cost him, and who would gain, and gain what?

Honestly, if she's trying to stir up trouble while making you look like the bad guy, then unless she's said something truly obscene, the best thing to do is to let it fall completely flat. Pretend you take it at face value and have no idea she's trying to insult or goad you. It'll take all the wind out of her sails, she'll go nuts and you'll be absolutely in the clear.

Atalune · 17/12/2020 16:26

Please put a excerpt of what she said on here!

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 17/12/2020 16:27

I was going for garden gnomes, but the chihuahuas, I'm liking that!

GabsAlot · 17/12/2020 16:28

i dont understand abondoned her babies and maybe you'll love them one day

whats that refer to

trevorandsimon · 17/12/2020 16:29

Op, this is stupid. No one can say if it's bad or not until you type word for word or put a photo up of said card. Your updates mean nothing. Either tell us what she said or dont bother anymore, it's just irritating.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 17/12/2020 16:30

Sorry OP, I missed the first update.

What's she talking about? Abandoning their kids, what? If it's total bollocks and nothing in it I'd still leave it. She'll probably bring it up to your brother if you don't and then she'll show herself up because it'll be obvious she was picking a fight.

Plussizejumpsuit · 17/12/2020 16:30

Maybe he should do some of the wife work and not have her send his own sister a Christmas card from the family?

mellicauli · 17/12/2020 16:31

You can’t go accusing , take it all on yourself. Could she she be leaving your brother ?

I would go with a “ is everything all right over there?” followed by a “ I was a bit worried by the message in the Christmas card. Have I offended x in some way? “

Eddielzzard · 17/12/2020 16:31

Abandoned your niece and / or nephew? Have you? Anyway I'd just send him a photo with a ?

Gobbeldegook · 17/12/2020 16:32

There's got to be more to this

butterpuffed · 17/12/2020 16:33

What are you referring to.... their children, their pets ??

teezletangler · 17/12/2020 16:33

Without the context and the actual word for word text, it doesn't really mean anything to the rest of us. It sounds like it could be totally innocuous- (How sad you haven't been able to see as much of your nieces and nephews this year! I hope they will see much more of Auntie OP in 2021). There must be a massive backstory.