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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to send him a copy of her pass-agg card?

303 replies

HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 15:34

I have received a marvellously nasty Christmas card from my sister-in-law. Absolutely dripping saccharine venom.

Now normally I wouldn't dream of passing shit like this around. I might take a sanity-check with someone close to me whom she'll never meet, but in general I wouldn't show private correspondence around.

I also feel strongly one shouldn't mess with loyalty between husband and wife.

Buuuuuut... she's signed my DB's name to her shit. Shock

DB is usually the one who writes the cards to me, or at the very least they both sign them. There's nothing to show he's even seen this one.

My options are

a) I can ignore and have my DB wondering why people are apparently behaving weirdly.

b) I can speak to her directly – my normal approach, but in my old age I've learned that engaging with batshit just elicits... more batshit.

c) I can send him a copy of the card she has written and to which she has appended both his and her names.

Now it may or not be an actual good move to send him a copy: still pondering that one! But in terms of whether it's ethically permissable:

YABU: it's a private note from her to you, he's not entitled to know the contents and what's more you should be at pains never to play husband off against wife;

YANBU: it's a note with his name at the bottom, he's entitled to know what's being said in his name.

OP posts:
sashadjas · 22/12/2020 15:10

Omigosh I've been alternately howling and raging on this! I've dealt with a passive aggressive control freak (my daughter's father, we were together 8 years), I found ignoring the nonsense was the best way - irritates the fuck out of them and is low-energy expenditure for you. I do remember taking particular joy in telling him that I saw his sulking, that I knew he wanted me to chase around him asking what the problem was (I find it hard to back off shit), and that I would be pretending nothing was wrong because I wasn't doing his thing again. I ACTUALLY TOLD HIM how I was counteracting his bullshit, and it was STILL effective! Three days of being happy and chirpy "at" him reduced his behaviour to nothing...just to clarify, he's not a horrible person, just blinded by stubborn crap! I know you've not the time, energy or location to get into games with your SIL, but pretending her pass.agg. isn't happening will infuriate her, probably be the best for you, and your conscience is clear.
As for your DB, I think it's been a gradual change under SIL's influence. He's clearly got Stockholm syndrome...
Chin up love, you're fucking hilarious and one day it'll come right.xxx

LovelyIssues · 30/12/2020 19:14

Take a pic of it and send to him on WhatsApp just saying "is SIL ok?"

gingerbiscuits · 01/01/2021 23:38

Ha! I'd HAVE to tell him - I'm the sort of person who just couldn't let that go. Doesn't always work out well for me, but...! 😆

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