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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to send him a copy of her pass-agg card?

303 replies

HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 15:34

I have received a marvellously nasty Christmas card from my sister-in-law. Absolutely dripping saccharine venom.

Now normally I wouldn't dream of passing shit like this around. I might take a sanity-check with someone close to me whom she'll never meet, but in general I wouldn't show private correspondence around.

I also feel strongly one shouldn't mess with loyalty between husband and wife.

Buuuuuut... she's signed my DB's name to her shit. Shock

DB is usually the one who writes the cards to me, or at the very least they both sign them. There's nothing to show he's even seen this one.

My options are

a) I can ignore and have my DB wondering why people are apparently behaving weirdly.

b) I can speak to her directly – my normal approach, but in my old age I've learned that engaging with batshit just elicits... more batshit.

c) I can send him a copy of the card she has written and to which she has appended both his and her names.

Now it may or not be an actual good move to send him a copy: still pondering that one! But in terms of whether it's ethically permissable:

YABU: it's a private note from her to you, he's not entitled to know the contents and what's more you should be at pains never to play husband off against wife;

YANBU: it's a note with his name at the bottom, he's entitled to know what's being said in his name.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 17/12/2020 16:01

It's a Christmas card. What's the problem.

LemonBreeland · 17/12/2020 16:02

I need to know what it says too. But I also would photograph and send it to him and ask if that is what he thinks too, since his name is at the bottom of it.

HopeAndDriftWood · 17/12/2020 16:03

*If it's one of those Moonpig sarcastic/funny type cards, I wouldn't say anything.

If she's actually written something nasty inside, then yes tell your DB.*

This for me, too. I’d message him and ask what it was about, and wait for him to confirm if he’d seen it.

Piesy · 17/12/2020 16:04

You have to post what she wrote. We deserve that..Smile

PrincessNutNutRoast · 17/12/2020 16:04

If you know he had nothing to do with it and none of it is his fault, just say nothing. No reason at all to start shit stirring.

ancientgran · 17/12/2020 16:04

Absolutely dripping saccharine venom.
I've got no idea what that means.

Pandabuzz · 17/12/2020 16:06

What does it say?! Any chance he also knows what it says?

viques · 17/12/2020 16:07

Is the passive aggressive saccharine venom message something to do with you being a terrible tease and always being a bit mysterious about things so leaving people unsure how to respond?

If it is I’m on Team SIL because, dear darling OP you haven’t told us what’s the minging message is but you want our opinions.

PrincessNutNutRoast · 17/12/2020 16:08

@ancientgran

Absolutely dripping saccharine venom. I've got no idea what that means.
None of us have, we don't know what was written. But if it's saccharine and passive aggressive, it will have been done for plausible deniability and to prevent having any overtly reasonable excuse to share with brother. In that case, trying to cause trouble by showing him will probably be exactly what SIL wants.

You know your brother, OP. If you have a good relationship and you're sure he wasn't in on this, then barring some really bad exceptional content, this isn't worth stirring up shit over. Allowing it all just to fall flat is almost certainly the best course of action. I'm actually wondering from this what kind of back story your SIL might think you have...

DietCokePolice · 17/12/2020 16:08

If it’s actually nasty then yes I think you should let your brother know.

But it sounds like she has plenty of plausible deniability to claim you’re reading way too much into things, in which case you’re going to come across as the loon picking a fight. Are you happy with that risk?

Strangedayindeed · 17/12/2020 16:09

Depending on two things. 1) what it says? 2) what are you hoping to achieve? Will he just take her side? If yes what’s the point.

ravenmum · 17/12/2020 16:09

Saccharine, so excessively nice? What if your brother says that she meant it as nicely as it appears? Might end up making you look the bitchy one.

ClearingSpaceOnTheTrophyShelf · 17/12/2020 16:10

Christmas is ruined unless we know what she wrote

marthastew · 17/12/2020 16:11

Cannot advise until the card is seen.

HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 16:11

Blimey, I only clicked away to finalise my Xmas groceries order.Shock

It was an ordinary "to Hubris, love DB and SIL" on one side of the card.

And on the other part of the inside, it was a breathtakingly passive aggressive paragraph – along the lines of "It's soooo saddddd you've abandoned my babies, but maybe one dayyyy you'll love themmm again. Adieu, et bon chance!"

That's not word for word – but not far off. Honestly, it was batshit.

If I hadn't seen OPs on MNs containing exactly the same sort of cobblers I would be wondering if I'd entered a parallel universe.

OP posts:
BigBadVoodooHat · 17/12/2020 16:11

YABU to think we’re not all immediately going to demand to know what she’s written!

I suspect 45 pages of ‘what did it say?!’ Was the actual point of this thread.

If the OP returns, they’ll likely decline to reveal the ‘venomous’ content because it’s ‘outing‘.

CookieClub · 17/12/2020 16:12

Following!!

Wondering if this is one of those situations where it's the OP that has a huge chip on her shoulder and has taken a genuine "have a lovely christmas" as a sarcastic interpretation of "I hope your Christmas is horrific, I hate you, I always have and so does your darling brother" ..because this shit happens.

BigBadVoodooHat · 17/12/2020 16:12

Damnit! Cross-posted. Sorry for doubting you, OP Blush

MajorMujer · 17/12/2020 16:13

I'd tell him.

FetchezLaVache · 17/12/2020 16:13

Bon chance (sic)?? Go NC with immediate effect.

Nore · 17/12/2020 16:13

But what does she mean you've 'abandoned her babies'? Is she talking about her chihuahuas or her children or what? Have you missed their birthdays or something?

HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 16:13

Can't keep up at all here!

Give me a mo to read the replies!

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/12/2020 16:13

What the hell did you do to her babies?

Or did they just grow up and become autonomous adults?

Don't tell me they are cats...

Bon chance indeed!!

Thepilotlightsgoneout · 17/12/2020 16:14

What is she referring to by you abandoning her babies?

I think I would say and do absolutely nothing as that would be the thing that would piss her off the most.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/12/2020 16:14

I voted YANBU, but here's my take on it.

If your SiL is really a 'Queen of PA' then chances are what she wrote could be open to interpretation. If, for example, she said "I just can't wait to visit your lovely home this Xmas" when you know she's slagged it off to someone or to you (without an audience), then even though you know she's being PA, she'll be able to give your DB (and others) a wide-eyed look and say "But what's wrong with me saying her home is lovely? Why must she always be so negative about me?" and you may come off looking 'not so nice'. But if you know she's told your DB that she thinks your taste is 'tacky' and your home is 'terrible' then he'll know she's being a snot.

So, before you send the card to your DB, try to look at it very objectively and see if what she wrote can be interpreted in a 'non-PA' way. If her meaning cannot be mistaken, then send it to him. If he would be inclined to accept her "Who, me?? I was just being nice" then let it go because chances are she did it to cause trouble between you and your DB.