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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to send him a copy of her pass-agg card?

303 replies

HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 15:34

I have received a marvellously nasty Christmas card from my sister-in-law. Absolutely dripping saccharine venom.

Now normally I wouldn't dream of passing shit like this around. I might take a sanity-check with someone close to me whom she'll never meet, but in general I wouldn't show private correspondence around.

I also feel strongly one shouldn't mess with loyalty between husband and wife.

Buuuuuut... she's signed my DB's name to her shit. Shock

DB is usually the one who writes the cards to me, or at the very least they both sign them. There's nothing to show he's even seen this one.

My options are

a) I can ignore and have my DB wondering why people are apparently behaving weirdly.

b) I can speak to her directly – my normal approach, but in my old age I've learned that engaging with batshit just elicits... more batshit.

c) I can send him a copy of the card she has written and to which she has appended both his and her names.

Now it may or not be an actual good move to send him a copy: still pondering that one! But in terms of whether it's ethically permissable:

YABU: it's a private note from her to you, he's not entitled to know the contents and what's more you should be at pains never to play husband off against wife;

YANBU: it's a note with his name at the bottom, he's entitled to know what's being said in his name.

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 17/12/2020 17:39

You know what - chuck the card in the bin and just pretend you never even got it. that'll annoy her more. Let her ask if you got her card.

nosswith · 17/12/2020 17:42

Is there any evidence that the SIL is unpleasant to other disabled people? Or just you?

I'd want to know if I worked with someone who treats disabled people with that attitude.

RealisticSketch · 17/12/2020 17:45

Oh dear. dB is in deep with a horror. You can't win. Back away slowly.

HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 17:47

@DelphiniumBlue

Dear Bro, The card from you ...wtaf? Xxx He'll ask you what it said.
Yes, this is what I had in mind, but with a copy of the card.

Otherwise he'll start by asking SIL and I don't believe she'll be honest.

He had a crack at me the next day after SIL's laying into me. He didn't apportion blame, but said I should learn to be better at handling people. (I'd had no idea AT ALL until then that SIL needed "handling". I'd thought she was straight up, like he is.)

I told him I didn't think it unreasonable that I should have thanked her for offer of "help" but very politely explained to her why it was easier for me to pack the bag myself, and he went quiet. Then he said, "I didn't know that bit."

So... yeah.

OP posts:
lobsteroll · 17/12/2020 17:52

She sounds crazy, he doesn't sound like a great brother though to be honest, not bothering to keep in touch with you/expecting you to visit him all the time despite the challenges of the wheelchair etc.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 17/12/2020 17:53

I think not sending your nieces birthday presents and cards is mean even if you don’t like their mum. You have abandoned the babies and I expect you brother knew the contents.

ZippedyDooDa · 17/12/2020 17:57

Commisserations OP, I've got a SIL like this too. Professional victim. Becomes unbelievably offended over absolutley nothing, then raises a big stink (or rather, gets my DB to do so on her behalf). After just one of these episodes, I got the measure of her - a toxic person, to be avoided at all costs.
However, please perhaps re-consider the kids' birthday and xmas gifts - I do still get these for the kids, as I don't want to punish them for having a psycho for a mother.

Plussizejumpsuit · 17/12/2020 17:57

They both sound unpleasant. What is she talking about taking the babies away?

HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 17:58

@nosswith

Is there any evidence that the SIL is unpleasant to other disabled people? Or just you?

I'd want to know if I worked with someone who treats disabled people with that attitude.

I knew she was a bit of a control freak, as other members of the family had commented on it.

I wasn't obeying her, so...

Plus I realised that she's "helpy" (marvellous word I learned on MN): likes to FEEL helpful; isn't too bothered whether she's actually BEING helpful.

I tend that way myself, so have some sympathy.

But I end up apologising a lot when I think I've fucked up. The doubling down and telling a partial tale of woe for sympathy... yeah, that's just like our mother.

OP posts:
Unsure33 · 17/12/2020 18:01

I understand all you have said except not sending the children presents even if they are tiny . It’s not their fault.

Not sure that part was necessary. And no doubt your SIL has made a big fuss about that .

The rest , yes I agree why bother .

SleepingStandingUp · 17/12/2020 18:04

I'd screen shot the card and say
"Dear Steve,
Recieved Christmas card today, I'm just wondering if you both feel I've abandoned your children? As you know I'm very poorly and it takes a lot for me to get out the house let alone across countries but I do love them, and you, and you're always welcome here. Please call me if we need to talk this through more. Love Hub

HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 18:04

GhoulWithADragonTattoo, children are currently too young to care.

I also have no intention of abandoning them.

I'm largely housebound, and acquiring and posting thoughtful, suitable presents to them was hard work when they lived in the UK and it wasn't the middle of a pandemic. Internet ordering can be rather hit and miss. I decided that this year, I would spend my very sparse time and energy on other people in my life, who have previously been neglected due to me prioritising the pisstakers.

OP posts:
teaorwine · 17/12/2020 18:09

@Hubris you've somehow gotten my bil and his now ex wife. Really sorry as it sounds like the kind of crap she pulled for years and he was s spineless git. Anyway, I dont agree with the poster who said you abandoned the babies. 2020 has been a tough year, you've tried to mind yourself and haven't been doing the running in the relationship. If it was me I'd probably sent him a text asking if everything is ok with dsil. I'd also.make sure to tell him that you've had a tough year and haven't felt upset to shopping.

HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 18:11

BTW, we're only mid-December now, so she must have posted the card almost the beginning of December.

She didn't wait to see if I was sending Xmas presents or card!

OP posts:
PrincessNutNutRoast · 17/12/2020 18:13

Think about what SIL wants you to do. And then don't do it.

I really think letting this just fall flat is the best response. Any mention of it to your brother, however well crafted, is what she wants.

Don't be manipulated. She knows what baits you. Don't take the bait. Don't do what she wants you to do.

JingleFails · 17/12/2020 18:14

Shes after a reaction and draaaaama.
Dont give her any.
Just ignore

PrincessNutNutRoast · 17/12/2020 18:16

I mean, think about it, OP. Imagine you're her...imagine you really are her, with her outlook and motivations. You send that card. In response, radio silence or just, "Oh, lovely card, thank you." And nothing more. How do you feel? What did you want?

CruCru · 17/12/2020 18:22

I agree. Responding keeps the drama going. This is interesting for us —me— but it may make your life harder than it needs to be. This person wants to either create drama or make sure that you are fretting about her. Not responding means that doesn’t happen.

Carriemac · 17/12/2020 18:25

It was unkind not to send the children presents even if you don't like their mum. It's easy to Amazon them something and they should not be pawns in adults game
Playing

HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 18:26

Still catching up with all the comments.

Yes, isn't it annoying when people don't post the exact words?Grin Guilty as charged... But I'm also not daft enough to risk the outing.

Not till I've sold tickets for the fireworks that would ensue, anyway.Shock

OP posts:
HubrisPolice · 17/12/2020 18:31

If you do decide to fight passive aggression with passive aggression, OP, you owe it to us to post the entire exchange as it happens on here. Come on, it's Christmas and none of us get out much now.

I know.

I've let MN down, I've let myself down, and I've let the chihuahuas down. I shall have a word with myself.Grin

OP posts:
cactusisblooming · 17/12/2020 18:39

I thought YANBU until you said you stopped buying presents for the dc. You said yourself you haven't initiated any contact so it really does come across as if you don't care about their children. The presents are a red herring, it doesn't take much time/effort to send them a text asking about the dc every few months. I can see her point tbh, although she hasn't dealt with it well.

Theimpossiblegirl · 17/12/2020 18:40

She didn't wait to see if I was sending Xmas presents or card!
She's trying to make sure you do! Sounds like hard work, I'd pretend you didn't get the card. Have some fun.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 17/12/2020 18:42

I'm going to go against the grain here and say if they can't be bothered to keep in touch with one of their closest relatives who they know has serious health problems (especially this year), frankly they can whistle for presents and cards for their kids. Maybe OP could get some satisfaction for being up on the high moral ground, but why should it all be one way traffic?

Ginfordinner · 17/12/2020 18:43

I have no words of advice, but you sound lovely, and your SIL doesn't [flowwers]

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