to send him a copy of her pass-agg card?

[HubrisPolice]

I have received a marvellously nasty Christmas card from my sister-in-law. Absolutely dripping saccharine venom.

Now normally I wouldn't dream of passing shit like this around. I might take a sanity-check with someone close to me whom she'll never meet, but in general I wouldn't show private correspondence around.

I also feel strongly one shouldn't mess with loyalty between husband and wife.

Buuuuuut... she's signed my DB's name to her shit.

DB is usually the one who writes the cards to me, or at the very least they both sign them. There's nothing to show he's even seen this one.

My options are

a) I can ignore and have my DB wondering why people are apparently behaving weirdly.

b) I can speak to her directly – my normal approach, but in my old age I've learned that engaging with batshit just elicits... more batshit.

c) I can send him a copy of the card she has written and to which she has appended both his and her names.

Now it may or not be an actual good move to send him a copy: still pondering that one! But in terms of whether it's ethically permissable:

YABU: it's a private note from her to you, he's not entitled to know the contents and what's more you should be at pains never to play husband off against wife;

YANBU: it's a note with his name at the bottom, he's entitled to know what's being said in his name.

Surely if it's signed from him it shouldn't be private from him, he should know what has been written in his name. I'd want to know if my name had been added to something that offended someone and suggesting I endorsed the sentiment.

This seems to have had a rather dull ending......

Ignore it and send a really gooey card you will have the pleasure watching her cringe

She sounds entitled, and in my humble opinion/experience, if you only have a cordial relationship with the sibling, the offspring are not automatically entitled to gifts from you. Its your perogative as an aunt. I wouldn't respond.

But if you feel the need, I would do the following: sponsor a child in a foreign country. Make a bold sweeping statement by sharing that information.
State that you see that child as yours and are recieving gifts as 'money' for that child to further help he/she.
Lets see if they reciprocate.
I think not.
Problem solved and charity given.

Yes you're right but it's not just any old regular sweet Christmas card. This card has more to it than sweet 'Happy Christmas'

@HubrisPolice

Oh god, I really didn't want to get into the back story, as it's really the ethics of the "sharing correspondence" I wanted advice on.

I didn't know until recently that I had an antagonistic relationship with SIL!

I've always assumed that if DB rated SIL, she must be a good 'un.

They live far away, are busy people with exciting lives, and I'm disabled and can't easily travel, and try my best not to impose on other people. So I barely know SIL because I don't really see her, and don't usually hear from them from one year's end to the next.

I usually send the children presents, and get thank-you cards from SIL, or an Xmas card in my DB's handwriting, but that's it. Occasionally they've had family news, good or bad, and I've sent cards and emails, and been congratulatory or supportive, but they don't call or initiate contact so I'm not a big part of their lives.

They have a bit of a history of expecting me to run around after them to visit them (in wheelchair with luggage on public transport, with me booking hotels & taxis to break the journey as I can't do it in one), and I've always taken this in good heart and assumed they were just too busy.

They also have a bit of a history of cancelling me at the last minute for a subsequent engagement. Again, though it's hurt, I've taken it on the chin and cheerily made the arrangements for the next time.

Last year they excelled themselves in this area, and at the same time SIL picked a fight out of the blue about nothing (she wanted to "help" pack my baggage: she told me afterwards she needs to feel useful. I had unsuspectingly very politely declined as I need it packed a particular way, but had asked her to do lots of other things I genuinely needed done). She laid into me the next morning about it too.

A lot about the way she did it was extremely familiar, and left me staring at her horrified, thinking "Dear god, DB has married his mother!" (Our not-so-DM is a professional victim of any circumstance ever and can emotionally blackmail for England.)

As DB & SIL live far away – indeed have now moved country – there was no pressing need to deal with this and I just let it all drop. Sent nice email to my brother, etc etc.

But it dawned on me (thank you MN for opening my eyes to this dynamic) that the more I ran round after them, the less they valued it and the more they expected.

I'm really very unwell and have very little useable time each day. I actually need help around the house and can't live fully independently. So I decided I wouldn't be dedicating the tiny bit of time and energy I do have, to running after them.

So I haven't.

Given they so rarely initiate contact with me, I just haven't initiated any with them. So... we haven't emailed for a while. Also the children (who are too young to know or care) didn't get birthday presents.

For anyone saying, "There must be more to it than that, for SIL to lay into you," all I can say is, "Not as far as I know."

So why are you in effect punishing the nieces and nephews?

Yabu to do that and tbh good on sil on stating similar rather than it eating at her!

Tell them there's a pandemic going on. That should cover all bases

@MotherExtraordinaire did you miss all the stuff about OP and how she is struggling currently and how B and SIL give no fucks about her?

She's not punishing the kids -who are too young to notice or even probably know who she is as their parents never bring them to visit their Aunt. She is using the energy she does have to invest in the relationships that she gets something out of - absolutely nothing wrong with that SIL is just being a dick.

I do think you should continue to send cards and gifts for Christmas and birthdays for the kids; another thing she wants that you mustn't do is allow the kids to be weaponised. Assuming you love them independently of your relationship with their parents, and don't want them to think their auntie doesn't like them, keep all that up. Just don't get sucked in when they get weaponised.

@callmeadoctor

This seems to have had a rather dull ending......

Yep....deja vu lately

sounds to me like they are horrid nasty and selfish they should be coming to visit and helping you not upsetting you sending nasty cards show him what she wrote then tell them to sod off they dont do anything to help or be kind to you !hope you have a lovely christmas dont let them spoil it

So why are you in effect punishing the nieces and nephews?

Yabu to do that and tbh good on sil on stating similar rather than it eating at her!

Are you always this callous and lacking in comprehension?

Oh, FFS, those kids are fine. They have a batshit mum and dad to spoil them rotten. They’ll turn into obnoxious clones and hassle Auntie for more and more than she’s willing or able to give anyway. Best leave them all be. Also treating disabled SIL as stupid and unable to know what is best for herself is not acceptable. OP is clearly intelligent, independent of mind and bloody hilarious.
OP - your relatives are dull, ignorant and would suck you dry of energy and humour. They are devoid of insight and empathy and very full of entitlement.

This seems to have had a rather dull ending......sad

This is someone's life. Fucking vulture.

@HubrisPolice you’ve done nothing wrong, send the pic of the card to your brother and tell him that you’re too ill to put up with any of this shit anymore so he knows where you are, welcome anytime etc etc, but other than this, you’re done with her batshittery

what did it say????

@justilou1

Oh, FFS, those kids are fine. They have a batshit mum and dad to spoil them rotten. They’ll turn into obnoxious clones and hassle Auntie for more and more than she’s willing or able to give anyway. Best leave them all be. Also treating disabled SIL as stupid and unable to know what is best for herself is not acceptable. OP is clearly intelligent, independent of mind and bloody hilarious. OP - your relatives are dull, ignorant and would suck you dry of energy and humour. They are devoid of insight and empathy and very full of entitlement.

This.👏

YABU by not spilling what’s in it?!?
C’mon tell us then you can get honest opinions

@FlynnD

YABU by not spilling what’s in it?!? C’mon tell us then you can get honest opinions

RTFT

Totally agree with the PPs who say do nothing.
Your relatives take up a lot of your energy and time, which you really need to be preserving for yourself, or putting into the people and friendships that sustain you.
Leaving them be has the triple l advantage that
1: You take care of yourself.
2: You have more time for those who care for you
3: As they haven't been in contact for some time, they will have no idea of your state of health. You may be far to ill, you may have been too ill for a long time. (From what you say, you are certainly not well enough for your SiL's stupidity) They have no idea....
If they care enough to send you PA messages, they may eventually think about your health, or at last make enquires about you. If they don't, you are well shot. If they do, you can decide then to whether you show the rude note, forgive them after they do suitable grovelling, tell them just how ill you have been and how this year has been even more difficult for you than most or crumble and apologise to them.

Do nothing is the best advice, she wants a reactions, using her children is low and being a parent isn’t an achievement, bringing you kids up right is your duty if you have them, but being virtuous about what has happened for all of history is just being a twattish

There seems to be a whole lot of 'victim' going on here. There was no way anyone could give any honest input based on the original post, then there was a lot of bluster about having to go into the background where the OP was able to expand upon her unfortunate position.
There is a thing about why we dislike people. One of the reasons is 'they are like us and remind us of things we don't like about ourselves.'
Sometimes people react to this without consciously being aware that's the case.

Venom is a bit disproportionate.

She’s made a dig about you ignoring her children. There is a lot of build up of annoyance and grievances on your behalf, all of which sound justified but instead of dealing with the issues, you stopped contacting them And didn’t send their children birthday presents just out of the blue, no discussion and you wonder why she’s hurt and made reference to it in your Xmas card.

This does nit mean she is batshit crazy, she is hurt for her children, I have had this happen to me from a relative and it is incredibly hurtful.

You need to clear the air and explain how hurt you have been by their behaviour and why you felt it appropriate to take this out on their children. This sort of tit for tat is how family relationships breakdown permanently.

Dear OP,
I know what fun it is to have such a sil. The first time I met her, she called me a "cripple", when my DB out of earshot. I just responded, "Yes, but only my body is disabled, so I can travel independently."
Suggestion, totes lost on her.
She is difficult, rude and according to her own words, "absolutely brilliant and of superior intelligence to 99% of people.
I have found that to educate her and help her to develop humility, I am
a) Always careful to be kind to her parents, they are great allies.
b) To buy the children age approp. presents, which the kids love but may annoy adults.
c) eg There is a wonderful ice-cream van which travels along and plays a tune. All like it for an hour, after a few weeks the children tell me "mummy gets a headache after 20 mins"
or The cuddly yapping puppy, again loved at the point of receipt - but v. annoying after a while.
d) Ensure that I have some noisy toys at my house, so kids can use them and when she says, "oh. no more", I deftly switch to a Disney Video, to help mummy cope.
Upshot is, kids adore coming to us.
Her parents say "Oh, they love going to their aunt's, she's so thoughtful.
DB thinks so too.
If she is rude to my parents, which happens more than I'd like, her parents say, there's no need for that. Dad unplugs his hearing aid and Mum says, "Try to set the children a good example".
These days she is more polite, less arrogant and has begun to see that folks with disabilities need kindness rather than meanness.
If she behaves well, kids get fluffy toys and I take them for treats, Pandemics permitting.
This year has been hard but there is a kid's theatre group, broadcast online for £9.99. It's easy to arrange, just send a link and the kids have a panto/theatre treat suitable for them. I speak to their dad to set up I.T. and also send them links to carol concerts, which they love.
Hope this is helpful.
Good luck. :)

@HubrisPolice Hi OP. I love your sense of humour. It does sound like your DB and SIL have not treated you well.

It would be sad to lose your relationship with your DB and nieces/nephews, though? So if this was me I would be treading carefully, trying to avoid putting your DB in a position where he has to choose between you and his wife.

It is actually quite hurtful when relatives stop sending children birthday presents and you don’t know why. This has happened to me (except that mine were old enough to notice and they did mind). I can see why you did it. But as you need her goodwill, or at least tolerance, to have a relationship with him, I think I might explain to both of them that I hadn’t bought presents this year because I was considerably unwell and short of energy, but I would be sending them in future when I could. Then I would send ones that didn’t take too much effort.

I wouldn’t react to the card apart from that.

My nephews and nieces preferred money once they were teenagers. They probably would have been OK with it before, once past 5 or so. I know you are unwaged and your DB is well off. I have had the same feeling sending money to my godson, who has wealthy parents whereas I didn’t really have it to spare. But even £5 shows that you care and have thought of them, and there would be no pretext for your SIL to cause trouble. Your DB must know your situation and shouldn’t expect more.

Hope it works out.