Is it reasonable to expect a Christmas dinner?

[BuckleBuckaroo]

Is it reasonable to invite yourself over for christmas, not telling the person what day you intend to visit until a week before the day (will be the 23rd) and then expect more than a cup of tea, mincepies, biscuits, crisps and dip - basically expecting a christmas roast dinner (most likely 3 course). And feel put out and say you are been made to feel unwelcome if you dont get it?

Crikey I feel like I've stepped back into the 50s. SAHM doesn't mean a fucking kitchen slave although reading some of these replies is an eye-opener. Your problem op is your DH. It doesn't matter if you are a SAHM, jobs get shared. Are you on-call weekends and evenings as well incase anyone pops by and expects snacks etc? Jeez. Get him to clear up as well, cheeky fucker. Christmas is a holiday for everyone not just lazy bastards. You've offered mince pies if it's not up to ILs/DH standard get him to tell them to grab a takeaway on the way or step up himself. If he's on holiday next week all jobs 50/50.

...and (obviously) the real issue here is your DH's attitude towards your SAHM status. You and he are not on the same page, so are unable to present a united front to his parents (or anyone else).

If the two of you can't agree a mutually acceptable set up, then you need to get a job.

He is paying into a pension for you, equal to his own, isn't he? Or does he regard you at heart, as a downtrodden little woman who will be supported by the state, in mousy impoverishment, in your old age?

but as you said -PIL dont expect you to cook anything - they just want something nice. So the question is why cant your DH cook something nice? Why are you his skivy? Honestly, he should be doing a lot more over Christmas anyhow. As a SAHM you should also be having a week off same as your husband i.e. you are entitled to your own time off. The reality is that he expects you to do everything - tackle that

I’d do a fake Christmas if I was seeing relatives around the 25th. Difference is my family are nice, my partner would help and no one would make any demands.

So everyone, seemingly including your DH, treats you like a skivvy and this has made you feel resentful towards the lot of them? I get that, I really, really do. None the less, I think offering family arriving at lunch time over the christmas period only mince pies is a dick's move. Either you like them enough to agree that they come, or you don't; sulking about the place and only feeding them mince pies does make you come across as obviously resentful of their presence and look like a sulking child. Which is not right when they are all the ones who are twats!

Would you generally only eat mince pies at lunch time? I'd not be doing a roast, but I'd be providing proper food - if nothing else, personally, I like to eat at lunch time! It's nearly christmas, an excellent time for a small buffet of pre cooked food shoved on plates vaguely attractively. Luckily, none of that needs cooking either, so your DH will be just fine sorting it.

You need a break from doing all cooking for every single person who crosses the threshold of your home. I'd personally try to achieve that by getting the person who is meant to love and support me, to step up; not by not feeding anyone. Can't cook won't cook is a ridiculous attitude, he has arms, hands and can read, so he can cook. When you feel less like the world's skivvy, hopefully you will also feel a bit less resentful too. I get it, I have felt the same many times.

@MrsMiaWallis

Are there lots of socially inept people on Mumsnet?!

Probably about as many as there are passive-aggressive people.

@Baycob

Going against the grain here, but I think if you are a SAHM and it’s your MIL and FIL why wouldn’t you oblige ? Why are you being so difficult? I’d bend over backwards for mine, so unless there is more to the story I think YABU.

A SAHM isn't a servant.

@caperplips

These threads are always so bizzare to me! I was a SAHM for over 6 years and I am also the main cook even now that I work full time. I like cooking and I love making our home welcoming to family and friends and dh pulls his weight in other ways - for instance he would go to the market / supermarket for all the food, tidy up, hoover, clean the bathroom, dust and mop floors while I cooked so I certainly never felt / feel like a skivvy.

Why can't you have a conversation with your husband as imo this is your main issue really and spell it out how you don't appreciate the expectation that all hosting duties are yours alone.

As for the inlaws - they are your husbands parents and your children's grandparents and I don't think it's unreasonable that they would come to visit over the holidays. I think it is unbelievably inhospitable not to offer lunch if that is when they're coming.

If I were you I would suck it up, thankful that they are not coming for Christmas Day (though it seems you have reserved that day for your own parents!) and buy in food if needs be.

Ask your dh to go to M&S and get a prepared ham that you just stick in the oven and shove in some baked potatoes and an M&S cauliflower cheese. Mince pies, cream, tea & coffee after - job done with NO fuss.

You just come across like you absolutely hate them and I wonder how you might feel if your dh acted like this about your parents visits?

We are not all born into ideal families but we cannot control that and barring abuse we just have to learn to get on with things. My parents are very testing in their own way and seem to want to suck up a lot of my / our energy and my dh has always welcomed them (more than me at times!) and he does it because he loves me and for that I am always grateful.

You have articulated that far better than I did @caperplips.

OP - There are a couple of issues here. First of all your husband clearly doesn't pull his weight, and needs to step up and do more.

Second of all they are family - your husband's parents, your children's grandparents, not random strangers. When you visit them do they not offer meals at meal times to you because you are an in-law and not blood related?

Third of all I would be tempted to buy him a basic cookery book for Christmas

Fourthly, just get some cook chill stuff in and heat it up. I certainly wouldn't be doing a full roast.

It's lovely to see such Christmas spirit alive and well in these times of COVID.

Just thinking about when my late MIL used to visit, she was a very difficult woman, had no filter and said the most outrageous things e.g. asking me explicit questions about our sex life in front of teenage children!

I was always quite relieved to escape to the kitchen, the longer I spent in there away from the madness the better. Sometimes I mysteriously run out of a vital ingredient and have to pop out to the supermarket. She loved a bit of fresh baking so sometimes I'd bake a cake, she loved it and I loved being in the kitchen making it.

I always tried to be nice but I needed a break to get through it.

I’d send DH to Iceland for one of those joints you just shove in the oven and be done with, tell him to get some frozen veg, spuds and Yorkshire’s then it’s done with.

Or the salmon in pastry stuff with salad and news pots again send him out for it all and have him shove it in the oven.

Ask them to come 25 th instead. You can only see 3 households for entire Christmas so unless you are breaking rules why can’t they change day?

Posts like this are sad because your anger is misdirected. You have a dh problem and enable it by doing all the cooking and cleaning. When you cook for your parents, you dad will help but you are left to clean. Can your mum or dh not help? My dh wouldn't expect me to slave in the kitchen all day and then clean up too, he would step in and usher me out of the kitchen because that is what a caring partner would do.

I would be annoyed that the inlaws are coming to yours and requesting what you cook not that they are wanting to come over.it is the entitlement that is cf. Why should you go to the effort of a roast only to do it all again in a few days? As they are your dh's parents and you do all the cooking anyway I would give them a more substantial lunch. You can get loads of things already made and shove in the oven.

It is sad that you resent cooking for his parents and not your own when they are all family, that is not in the spirit of xmas. I would also get dh some cooking lessons so you can have a break.

No, it's not reasonable. They seem to be just assuming that (a) you do a Big Christmas Dinner, and are flexible enough to have two extra people at fairly short notice; (b) that the 23rd is a likely day for you to do it. Neither of which is a reasonable thing to just automatically expect.

Give them the number of your local carvery and tell them not to have dessert as they can eat a mince pie with you after.

I agree with PimlicoJo:

‘^Honestly open mouthed at this thread. I can't believe that so many people think it's unreasonable to make some lunch for in laws at Xmas.’^

I wonder if your in-laws are actually giving you the ‘silent treatment’ or are they just a bit stunned by your attitude to them?

Have just been to one of the big supermarkets, and you can get chicken pieces there very inexpensively, plus potatoes, onions and root veg, chuck it all in two roasting tins and there you are, a very decent meal for almost no effort, with your mince pies for pudding, and biscuits for tea.

Quite easy and you’ve had several days notice, so perhaps time to get on with your life and time to stop being angstful! 🎄

I new this would be an in laws thread. You're absolutely not unreasonable @BuckleBuckaroo, they are cheeky fuckers of the highest order. Have you had the "Well if that's all that you're offering I'm not sure we can come" sort of speech yet?

If they want/need/expect more they need to direct that to their son, not you. Though personally I'd be well pissed off with him if he did anything other than back the original offer of mince pies, chips and dips (though maybe if he phrased it as a seasonal afternoon tea that would go down better )

@Thehappygardener

I agree with PimlicoJo:

‘^Honestly open mouthed at this thread. I can't believe that so many people think it's unreasonable to make some lunch for in laws at Xmas.’^

I wonder if your in-laws are actually giving you the ‘silent treatment’ or are they just a bit stunned by your attitude to them?

Have just been to one of the big supermarkets, and you can get chicken pieces there very inexpensively, plus potatoes, onions and root veg, chuck it all in two roasting tins and there you are, a very decent meal for almost no effort, with your mince pies for pudding, and biscuits for tea.

Quite easy and you’ve had several days notice, so perhaps time to get on with your life and time to stop being angstful! 🎄

Seriously?! You and I are very different people. Even if they'd been invited (op says they weren't) you seriously think it's reasonable for someone to respond to "Great, it'll be good to see you, oh by the way we're having xyz" with "No! Not good enough! I need my full 3 courses!" no doubt complete with pout, stamp and flicky hair 🙄

Nope. Wouldn't be doing that.

I'd get them the new kfc gravy Christmas burger but that's me.

If you don't want to do it then don't. What's your DH say?

It’s rude to tell people what they want surely they get what they are given then go home n bitch about it behind your back that’s just rude , unless they are coming a very long way especially to see you then it’s a bet different .

If you think they all treat you as a skivvy it’s because you’ve let them.

If they are expecting a roast dinner, get some cooked sliced turkey Aldi/Lidl do a nice 400g pack, wrap in foil and warm in the oven for a few minutes while cooking Aunt Bessie's toasties and a few frozen veggies. Hot dinner, less faff and if they don't like it, they probably won't invite themselves for lunch again.

Roasties not toasties

OP how long do they have to travel and when was the last time you've seen them?

Sorry, are you saying that someone has now told you they are coming on the 23rd and expect a roast?

It all depends.

Everyone has found it hard to plan much in advance because of changing rules.

If this is the Christmas visit of a close relative like a parent / grandparent , I would facilitate a nice lunch. A roast chicken or a slow cooker ham with crackers, or a fish pie if less formal.

You sound as if you don’t much want them to come at all. You don’t even say ‘celebrate with Christmas Cake and fizz’. Biscuits and mince pies is a bit basic, especially if they are out of a box.