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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH insists I move on from massive row with his parents

265 replies

LoveIsTheLight · 17/12/2020 12:18

I am looking for an honest answer. I want to do the right thing. I have no shame in admitting I am wrong, but I have always been brought up to only apologize when I have done wrong or unjust. Long story short, we moved (to where my husbands family reside) from overseas and decided to stay with his family until we could find work and become stable. We don’t live there anymore but everything happened while there. Shortly after, found out I was pregnant with first DD. My mum came to visit from overseas after a massive operation to help out with new baby because it was her first gradchild and it was her hearts desire to hold her newborn grandbaby despite her health condition. In laws made clear they would not be able to help and MIL booked 6 teeth implant procedures during the delivery dates. So as a new mom I was hugely relieved and grateful that my mom was going to be there to help me navigate the first few weeks of motherhood. I had no expectations from inlaws despite living in their home. Anyway MIL and SIL (who came to visit on the date of my delivery) were horrid to me throughout. MIL actually forced her way into my delivery room as I was screaming in pain (I had a traumatic delivery, DD almost did not make it, neither did I as I lost alot of blood) and nurse had to ask her to leave multiple times as I was often naked, being checked by multiple doctors and bleeding profusely on the hospital bed. She managed to blame me after for making her feel excluded during the delivery. Which to me was shocking as she did absolutely nothing for me and her grandchild once we were home, not even offer to make me a cup of tea. My mom was the rock who helped, cooked n cleaned n did laundry and made sure I was fed and on the road to recovery despite being rather unwell herself. Anyway one day I had enough and snapped at MIL when she passed a rude comment at my mother. She started yelling and ran out in the garden and said some horrible things about me. Fast forward a few days later when things were calm, DH,DM and baby and I sat down to have a conversation with inlaws and speak heart to heart about how we were feeling. She got so angry about the things I shared, denied them all infront of her son snd husband and threw her glasses violently towards my baby and mom and screeched at My DH, “take her away! Get her out of here!” as if I was a dog and started hurling obscenities at my mom n I. Baby started crying/my mom was shocked, she took baby in arms and asked me to leave with her. Fast forward, we moved out at a very inconvenient time financially and with a new baby. Now DH has a good stable job, financially comfortable and have a beautiful apartment. Happy domestic life. But DH insists I go along with him to meet his family and let by gones be bygones. His parents have been asking about me and telling him time has passed, she should forget what happened etc. I think they want access to my daughter which I am on the fence about. But by refusing to go, I am essentially coming off as the B^t*h here. AIBU in not wanting to go?

OP posts:
Britishmanagersclub · 17/12/2020 12:20

Nope. Fuck them.

devuskums · 17/12/2020 12:21

I would be waiting for a sincere apology from mil before I even thought about seeing her again.

madcatladyforever · 17/12/2020 12:23

Sod them all, they sound completely mad. If you DH wants your child to meet them he can take DC on his own.

Bluntness100 · 17/12/2020 12:23

Has she apologised?

Cheeserton · 17/12/2020 12:25

Nope. They need to apologise for everything THEY did wrong. Make that clear and don't drop it. Stick to it and don't allow any distraction from it.

QuestionableDanceMoves · 17/12/2020 12:25

How long ago was this? A few weeks/months then YANBU to still feel aggrieved but if it was a few years ago then I’d say it was time to try and make amends.
From what you say your MIL behaved appallingly and really should be apologising

LolaSmiles · 17/12/2020 12:25

Nope. Let bygones be bygones seems to be code for 'we were hugely intrusive during your delivery, utterly unpleasant to you when you were new mum and now you're doing fine without us we want to pretend our behaviour didn't happen'.

I'd not close the door to them for good, but any future engagement would be rebuilding the relationship from the point where they accept their behaviour was disgusting.

Original poster
LoveIsTheLight · 17/12/2020 12:26

No apology at all. Sends food when DH visits. Very manipulative and tells DH to bring me to visit and forget what happened as several months have passed. DH is deluded enough to believe that his family have no issues with me whatsoever and i am the one hanging on to the past and not letting anyone move past it.

OP posts:
OnePointOneName · 17/12/2020 12:27

@devuskums

I would be waiting for a sincere apology from mil before I even thought about seeing her again.
Absolutely. The words 'I was completely in the wrong' with no ifs or buts needs to come from your mil. Which by the sounds of things will not be forthcoming. You don't owe her a relationship, ever, not even for the sake of your daughter/husband.

As for your daughter, that's a different matter. Has she seen her parental grandparents/family since the incident? I'd let your husband facilitate that relationship, but if there's any hint they're being negative about you to her, I'd cut that off as well.

Chamomileteaplease · 17/12/2020 12:27

Case against you: there was you, your husband, baby and your mother all living in your in-laws' house Shock.

Recipe for disaster!

Case for: your MIL repeatedly tried to get into the delivery room. This one example shows what a nightmare person she must be generally.

How long did you all live with them for?

How long have you been living elsewhere for?

Does your husband acknowledge that his mother/sister/ don't know who else, are nightmare people and that you would be the much bigger person if you were able to forgive and forget?

Original poster
LoveIsTheLight · 17/12/2020 12:27

It’s been 3 months actually.

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 17/12/2020 12:28

agree devuskums.

winechateauxjoy · 17/12/2020 12:28

She came into the delivery room without your consent!!!!! Ask your DH how he would feel if ANYONE had done that to him if he was having a medical procedure, in pain and scared.

Pinkdelight3 · 17/12/2020 12:29

A couple of things I can't tell from this - how long were you living with them? And when your mum came to stay, did she stay with them too? You've brushed over it to emphasise how they did nothing to help, but on the other hand it could read like you lived there for the best part of a year, brought your baby into their house and that your mum stayed there too and did all the cooking, laundry etc at their house, in which case they could be saints for having you all there and whether she had dental operations is completely irrelevant.

Obviously her behaviour during your birth is nuts and not on in any circumstances and I don't blame you for keeping your distance on that. But it sounds like you're not letting them see your DD, which isn't fair as he's your DH's DD too and they were good enough in-laws for you to impose upon for a long time. I think you should keep the issue between you and them and not let it effect your DD's relationship with them.

Butchyrestingface · 17/12/2020 12:29

Nope.

And even if she did apologise I wouldn't go near her OR let her have access to your child until she addresses whatever mental/emotional problems she has.

katy1213 · 17/12/2020 12:30

He can't insist - your choice.

bluebell34567 · 17/12/2020 12:31

she threw glasses towards baby and your dm. i wouldnt allow your dh to take baby alone to them.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/12/2020 12:31

Nope, no, not a chance. If your DH wants to see her/his family, thats fine, he can go on his own. Re your daughter, I agree that your DH could facilitate a relationship with her/them, but any hint of conflict and I would cut that off at the pass too. She sounds awful, and I personally just would not stand for that shit!

peacockfeather11 · 17/12/2020 12:31

They need to apologise first, and even then I would be very cautious of any visits. Maybe send DD with your DH if you feel comfortable with that.

Original poster
LoveIsTheLight · 17/12/2020 12:32

My mum was visiting only to give initial support. But yes it was very horrifying for her to witness that. My parents live overseas often call me and check on me to see how I am feeling after all this. But I am pretty sure my side (parents and I) are pretty disturbed and honestly did not expect this behaviour.

OP posts:
Love51 · 17/12/2020 12:34

If you do meet them make sure you can leave if you need to, so you aren't forcing your dp to leave with you. It would be nice if he did anyway, but I'm not seeing it as likely.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/12/2020 12:35

No fucking way would be in the same room as them. And no one gets access to my child who doesn’t treat me with respect and decency.

Have you told him hurtful he’s being prioritising the feelings of these outrageous bullies over his wife? That’s what’s going on. He doesn’t seem to care about the appalling way they’ve treated you. Ask him why that is?

Please read Toxic Inlaws as a matter of urgency. I know you’ve got a new baby but you need to shore up how to protect yourself from them and, sadly, your husband.

I have horrendous inlaws. Not seen them in years and it’s been wonderful. DH found his way out of the FOG, he’s happy, relaxed, free of their interference and judgement, guilt trips, emotional incontinence and fucked up “family” dynamic. I highly recommend it.

Original poster
LoveIsTheLight · 17/12/2020 12:36

We stayed a year. Two separate functional floors with different bathrooms n kitchens. Basically we only shared a garden. Separate entrance access n parking spots etc. Basically sometimes we went “upstairs” to share a cup of tea or a “visit”.

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 17/12/2020 12:37

Wtf is wrong with your DH?!

Nore · 17/12/2020 12:38

A couple of things I can't tell from this - how long were you living with them? And when your mum came to stay, did she stay with them too? You've brushed over it to emphasise how they did nothing to help, but on the other hand it could read like you lived there for the best part of a year, brought your baby into their house and that your mum stayed there too and did all the cooking, laundry etc at their house, in which case they could be saints for having you all there and whether she had dental operations is completely irrelevant.

Obviously her behaviour during your birth is nuts and not on in any circumstances and I don't blame you for keeping your distance on that.

This. I found myself wondering how long you'd lived with your ILs if it was, as it sounds, like most of your pregnancy and after, and whether your mother was also living with them when she came to stay -- this a massive form of 'help' to you from your ILs which you don't seem to acknowledge. There's no excuse or your MIL's behaviour during the birth of your child, but if your mother was staying in the house for weeks afterwards, I can imagine things getting fraught.