DH insists I move on from massive row with his parents

[LoveIsTheLight]

I am looking for an honest answer. I want to do the right thing. I have no shame in admitting I am wrong, but I have always been brought up to only apologize when I have done wrong or unjust. Long story short, we moved (to where my husbands family reside) from overseas and decided to stay with his family until we could find work and become stable. We don’t live there anymore but everything happened while there. Shortly after, found out I was pregnant with first DD. My mum came to visit from overseas after a massive operation to help out with new baby because it was her first gradchild and it was her hearts desire to hold her newborn grandbaby despite her health condition. In laws made clear they would not be able to help and MIL booked 6 teeth implant procedures during the delivery dates. So as a new mom I was hugely relieved and grateful that my mom was going to be there to help me navigate the first few weeks of motherhood. I had no expectations from inlaws despite living in their home. Anyway MIL and SIL (who came to visit on the date of my delivery) were horrid to me throughout. MIL actually forced her way into my delivery room as I was screaming in pain (I had a traumatic delivery, DD almost did not make it, neither did I as I lost alot of blood) and nurse had to ask her to leave multiple times as I was often naked, being checked by multiple doctors and bleeding profusely on the hospital bed. She managed to blame me after for making her feel excluded during the delivery. Which to me was shocking as she did absolutely nothing for me and her grandchild once we were home, not even offer to make me a cup of tea. My mom was the rock who helped, cooked n cleaned n did laundry and made sure I was fed and on the road to recovery despite being rather unwell herself. Anyway one day I had enough and snapped at MIL when she passed a rude comment at my mother. She started yelling and ran out in the garden and said some horrible things about me. Fast forward a few days later when things were calm, DH,DM and baby and I sat down to have a conversation with inlaws and speak heart to heart about how we were feeling. She got so angry about the things I shared, denied them all infront of her son snd husband and threw her glasses violently towards my baby and mom and screeched at My DH, “take her away! Get her out of here!” as if I was a dog and started hurling obscenities at my mom n I. Baby started crying/my mom was shocked, she took baby in arms and asked me to leave with her. Fast forward, we moved out at a very inconvenient time financially and with a new baby. Now DH has a good stable job, financially comfortable and have a beautiful apartment. Happy domestic life. But DH insists I go along with him to meet his family and let by gones be bygones. His parents have been asking about me and telling him time has passed, she should forget what happened etc. I think they want access to my daughter which I am on the fence about. But by refusing to go, I am essentially coming off as the B^t*h here. AIBU in not wanting to go?

Also, quite frankly I would stop caring about your husband's opinion of you in this matter. It is his mother, and her probably can't see her clearly. He likely doesn't want to admit even to himself that there's something fundamentally wrong with her. That's his business, but you don't have to go along with it. Stop caring if he thinks you should forgive her. He wasn't the one threatened and insulted by her. Prioritise your baby and yourself.

not to excuse this woman but is it partly to do with the culture that she comes from..... she sounds childlike, or like someone who received no formal education?

It's really VERY simple OP. Tell DH that you would love to move on and part of the process of moving forward is for people to take responsibility for their actions. Without that, there is no possibility for moving forward. SO ask him when his parents are ready to apologise and that you are very much looking forward to the future after this.

My FIL was appallingly rude to me when we were staying with them with our young son. They live at the other end of the country. We walked out - my DH said that no-one talked to "his wife" like that and basically I never went back for 20 years. My DH did visit of course. It is very difficult to come back from that sort of thing but we do have a more civil relationship now.

Nope I would tell her to fuck right off! If and only if she gave a hugely sincere apology then I may consider building bridges but even then it’s not a certainty. The fact she hasn’t apologised but just wants to brush what happened under the rug and pretend it never happened makes me angry on your behalf! I would also be telling your DH that he needs to buck his ideas up, be supportive of you and stop being a dick - instead of trying to guilt you into forgetting their shitty behaviour!

I dont think your MiL will ever apologise in any meaningful way, she sounds deranged.

Likewise, I dont think you need to forgive or forget in any meaningful way.

You will need to agree a way of moving forward with the relationship that is acceptable to your dh and yourself. And agree how and when contact with your daughter is going to work - this is a decision in which you both get a say.

But you dont have to change anything now, and I suggest you make it clear to your dh that you need some more time to get over things. I suspect his family dynamic is that his mother goes off like a rocket does these things from time to time and then it's all swept under the rug and he's been trained to accept this is the way things are. So he's going have to understand that his normal isnt actually that normal at all.

By 'move on' he means 'subjugate yourself (and smile)'.

@coffeelover3 Agreed. I was an idiot I suppose. Inexperienced. I thought she was a normal mom, who loved her son n actually wanted to help out.

DH basically depends on me for most decisions.

I'm not surprised.

No, not only do you not owe the mad woman an apology, you shouldn't let her think that she can abuse you and your family and then have it put aside at her convenience without any kind of acknowledgement, apology or amends. My abusive father used to do this: treat people like shit, then pretend it never happened and make out that it was your fault for "bearing a grudge". Think she'd forget so quickly if she thought you'd done her wrong? Given that she threw something at your baby, I wouldn't even be sure she was safe for visiting.

Do not allow this, do not put up with it, do not let it slide. And your husband needs to find a spine.

Let me start by saying that you are in the right. It doesn't matter how long you were living there or whether or not your mum stayed their after the baby came. Their behaviour was terrible and inexcusable. If they had a problem with 'crowding' or whatever then they should have told you flat out.

And for anyone to charge into a delivery room is abhorrent. My MiL was at the hospital (she worked there) when I had DS2, but I had made it clear that the birth was for me and DH, only. MiL (who was an angel) waited outside quietly until we were wheeled out into the hallway post-birth. I remember her words "Thank You. I love you. What do you want to eat?" She worked in the kitchen and made me the best club sammie and chips I'd ever tasted.

The problem is that you and DH have been together much less time than the decades he's spent being conditioned by his family. He doesn't SEE that it's wrong of him to expect you to let bygones be bygones. He knows in his conscious that his first loyalty should be to you, but his subconscious 'defaults' to putting his family first. All you can do is reiterate that you will not be around them unless and until a real apology is made and they agree never to be so intrusive again.

Problem is, that last part will be an uphill battle. Their family dynamics are likely firmly set in stone. Even if they did apologize, I expect there will be a repeat of rudeness, although maybe not to that extent. You're going to have to establish your boundaries in your head and communicate them firmly to your DH. Then stick to them.

Do not go until they apologise, although sadly it sounds like they won’t and they want your DH to live back with them and will keep telling him you are in the wrong. Which if he sides with them you have no chance and he will make your life unhappy.

@Porcupineinwaiting exactly. Could not have said it better myself. Exact dynamic.

By refusing to visit you are I would say 'in the right' but you also have a difficult situation once your child is big enough to ask why you don't or to want you to do things together as an extended family.

fuck this.
I would never ever have anything to do with them ever again and enjoy the peace.

I think you're doing the right thing, OP, in letting your DH facilitate the relationship between DD and MIL. In your shoes I'd do the same but no way would i be in the same house as them, ever. No socially distanced meetings, nothing. And even if she came up with a grovelling apology it would be exactly the same.

If your DH can't understand that she has behaved outrageously then you also have a DH problem.

No way would I consider forgiving mils behaviour. Ever. No way would I be facilitating contact with my child either. Throwing an object towards your baby in a fit of temper? She doesn't deserve a relationship with your child.

Absolutely not. Your MIL's behaviour was unforgivable and she clearly thinks she has the right to behave like that. She hasn't apologised.

Leave it as it is. Your dh and ds can see the in laws but do not get involved. You'll end up having to give more access to your dd. It isn't safe.

Make it clear to your dh that you believe your mil to be untrustworthy and mentally unstable.

An apology needed at least , then still up to you
Consequences to treating people badly
Not sure if you can stop dh taking your daughter there though as she is also his daughter as long as shes not at harm etc

I was an idiot I suppose. Inexperienced

Not really - we all have to start somewhere, and if there hadn't been anything like this before you weren't to know that what she really wanted was to dominate you (hence the delivery room intrusion)

Come to think of it, is there a cultural issue going on here? It wouldn't excuse her of course, but I'm just wondering if "bringing the DIL to heel" is an expected part of her mindset?

Horrible situation, I really feel for you. But now is the time to put your foot down. Otherwise you could have several more decades of this. Actual decades of this bullshit.

Sorry just read dh does take your daughter there
If you do decide to give them a chance maybe meet up in neutral space like park or something

She sounds like a princess, who's been indulged, deferred to and learned to use manipulation and tantrums to get her way. A stroppy child.

One thing to bear in mind is that she may not know how to behave any other way. Does she spend a lot of time within her (indulgent, deferential) family? Or does she have adult relationships outside the home; friends, colleagues? She may find your expectation that she behave like a decent adult very challenging and frightening, because she doesn't know how but refuses to lose face.

I think the way to deal with that would be to make very, very simple plans and statements. Just tell her what is happening in simple, unambiguous, non-negotiable terms.

I notice you said DH basically depends on me for most decisions. Big alarm bells. He wants you to be his new mummy.

But do not give way to her now. If you do, you'll become part of her team, gaslightling yourself, the rest of the world and your child. 'That didn't happen, Granny didn't mean it, never mind'.

You don't have an in law problem you have a DH problem.
DH basically depends on me for most decisions.
He didn't stick up for you when his mother was abusive, he wants to white wash it all now. He needs to grow up. Mommy is responsible for what is decided in her home and you make all the decisions in your home. He needs to stop having his bottom wiped by everyone, grow up and be a better partner and father

Come to think of it,isthere a cultural issue going on here? It wouldn't excuse her of course, but I'm just wondering if "bringing the DIL to heel" is an expected part of her mindset?

I was wondering that. Would certainly explain barging into the delivery room. How was that even possible?

From a different point of view, did something happen that was bubbling under the surface?

You say you moved in, got pregnant, then had your mum come stay, were you paying money towards your living expenses?

Although I will say the delivery room and the throwing glass at you and the baby would convince me never to see her again and you really need to sit down and have that conversation with your husband