DH insists I move on from massive row with his parents

[LoveIsTheLight]

I am looking for an honest answer. I want to do the right thing. I have no shame in admitting I am wrong, but I have always been brought up to only apologize when I have done wrong or unjust. Long story short, we moved (to where my husbands family reside) from overseas and decided to stay with his family until we could find work and become stable. We don’t live there anymore but everything happened while there. Shortly after, found out I was pregnant with first DD. My mum came to visit from overseas after a massive operation to help out with new baby because it was her first gradchild and it was her hearts desire to hold her newborn grandbaby despite her health condition. In laws made clear they would not be able to help and MIL booked 6 teeth implant procedures during the delivery dates. So as a new mom I was hugely relieved and grateful that my mom was going to be there to help me navigate the first few weeks of motherhood. I had no expectations from inlaws despite living in their home. Anyway MIL and SIL (who came to visit on the date of my delivery) were horrid to me throughout. MIL actually forced her way into my delivery room as I was screaming in pain (I had a traumatic delivery, DD almost did not make it, neither did I as I lost alot of blood) and nurse had to ask her to leave multiple times as I was often naked, being checked by multiple doctors and bleeding profusely on the hospital bed. She managed to blame me after for making her feel excluded during the delivery. Which to me was shocking as she did absolutely nothing for me and her grandchild once we were home, not even offer to make me a cup of tea. My mom was the rock who helped, cooked n cleaned n did laundry and made sure I was fed and on the road to recovery despite being rather unwell herself. Anyway one day I had enough and snapped at MIL when she passed a rude comment at my mother. She started yelling and ran out in the garden and said some horrible things about me. Fast forward a few days later when things were calm, DH,DM and baby and I sat down to have a conversation with inlaws and speak heart to heart about how we were feeling. She got so angry about the things I shared, denied them all infront of her son snd husband and threw her glasses violently towards my baby and mom and screeched at My DH, “take her away! Get her out of here!” as if I was a dog and started hurling obscenities at my mom n I. Baby started crying/my mom was shocked, she took baby in arms and asked me to leave with her. Fast forward, we moved out at a very inconvenient time financially and with a new baby. Now DH has a good stable job, financially comfortable and have a beautiful apartment. Happy domestic life. But DH insists I go along with him to meet his family and let by gones be bygones. His parents have been asking about me and telling him time has passed, she should forget what happened etc. I think they want access to my daughter which I am on the fence about. But by refusing to go, I am essentially coming off as the B^t*h here. AIBU in not wanting to go?

@Brefugee

*Letting you, DH, baby & your mum stay in her house doesn’t make her sound like the worst woman in the world, more saintly tbh.

some selective reading skills there, are you the MIL?*

• No, certainly wasn’t selective reading either. The only true facts I can take from this, is that OP stayed in her MILS house along with her DH, baby and temporarily her mother. Anything else is her side of the story & i’m sure MIL might explain it differently.

I think you can create a dignified distance and encourage yourself not to care. Give out broad statements like 'I'm not compatible with your mum...you go there with baby yourself and have fun'. I wouldn't go to visit his family at all and would just ride out the situation.

If pressured by him I would remind him that she has not yet apologised for her actions including invading your privacy in the delivery room.

Do not accept any guilt. Do not give any fucks about what anyone else thinks. Be robust about saying 'your mother behaved very badly, she's unapologetic- how am I the unreasonable one?. I suspect you would be better off keeping a bit of distance, not making up with her to the extent that you see each other only in extreme circumstances - weddings etc. Let DH take the strain on facilitating the relationship with his family. I wouldn't give another opportunity for her to overstep and her to not stick up for you.

There is no way I'd be going there. Ever. Unless a full, frank and genuine apology was forthcoming. The delivery room stuff on its own is sufficient enough to want fuck all to do with her but add the rest? Nah, she can whistle.

Hugely disappointed your DH hasn't got your back either. Spineless shit.

YANBU and you probably have a DH problem as much as a MIL problem.

But DH insists I go along with him to meet his family and let by gones be bygones. Dpes he indeed? He insists ??? Does he insist on other things, or just things that his mummy might get upset about?

I wouldn't see MIL and I wouldn't want my child exposed to the toxic bitch either. Would DH agree to live in Canada?

Erm no you aren't being unreasonable!! Your DH needs to grow a set and tell his mother she has no right speaking to you this way, or your mother! I'd be fuming at my husband if he hadn't backed me up!

Oh they're awful op. I wouldn't trust them with a bargepole. Although it might make dh sad he should definitely understand. Tbh he should be livid on your behalf.

*touch them with a bargepole 🤣 but trust too.

Wow well you need to tell your Dh that this behaviour is not normal and you and your family and anyone else for that matter are shocked and you are rightly distancing yourself and your dc for your own sanity and safety
He can have a relatively with them but I till there is a full apology you will not be going anywhere near them and I would also lessen the visits with baby too
Say D.C. is ill teething and to go on his own

A compromise in this situation would be let your DH take the baby to see his parents on his own. That way you don't have to see them and your child will grow up having a relationship with their grandparents.

I have personal experience of this type of set up. DH took my eldest over to his parents when I didn't see eye to eye with them after the birth. There was a fall out. But I would never stop DC having a relationship with their grandparents.

It’s complicated. On one hand, it was a bit inconsiderate of you to get pregnant and have a child, then invite your mum to stay, when you were living in somebody else’s house. (Unless I’ve misunderstood your post?)

On the other, your MIL’s behaviour during and after the delivery was insane and unacceptable.

We briefly lived with one of my husband’s relatives when we came back from overseas. She treated me disgracefully (racist remarks about my mother who was dying of cancer at the time, for example). Four years later we live overseas again, we are financially stable and we have 2 kids. When we visit the UK next year, this woman will undoubtedly expect to see our babies. I’ve made it clear that that will not be happening. I don’t care how long ago the trouble happened, bygones are not bygones.

You don’t need such toxic people in your life.

I think at the moment you are on ‘one side’ of this issue, a bit alone, which is allowing everyone else to put pressure on you (& DH).

I’d change the dynamic. Repeatedly state that everyone on your side, who has either directly witnessed (your DM) or heard reports of (all your family & friends) the horrendous dangerous behaviour of MIL is very worried for you and the baby. Add that their continued concern and constant contact re ‘the situation’ has lead you to promise them you won’t put yourself or baby in danger again until the events of ‘that time’ are sufficiently explained and apologies/ commitments are made. So clearly some surface ‘reconciliation’ is impossible, and mostly out of your hands.

Make it sound that it is still a very ‘live’ issue, that everyone is still in shock/horror over. Very much the main topic of conversation in your circles. Not something ‘bygone’ at all. Make sure your DH witnesses you having enough private conversations over phone/text, etc to back this claim. I don’t mean you fake calls, just allow him to see that private convos must be regularly happening, which could be about MIL.

If ‘family pressure’ is such a powerful force in this situation, harness some for yourself. It’s also handy to expose these behaviours to ‘air & sunshine’, to bust the secret toxicity in families that can go unchecked for generations. Let her know via DH that her behaviour before, during and after these incidents is noticed and judged by many others. It may be the only tool you have down the track to curb her excesses.

Good luck, and strength to your arm. Hope the overwhelming support you’re getting on MN helps you.

@LoveIsTheLight

No apology at all. Sends food when DH visits. Very manipulative and tells DH to bring me to visit and forget what happened as several months have passed. DH is deluded enough to believe that his family have no issues with me whatsoever and i am the one hanging on to the past and not letting anyone move past it.

Tell him you’ll only go if you get an apology. She doesn’t seem the sort to give one so you’ll have nothing to worry about. You have a DH problem though, ask him if he was having a heart attack would he like someone coming in screaming “ what’s up with you, you are not talking to me, I feel left out” and then that same person not helping his recovery and actually shouting at people who did. That’s the closest analogy I can get that works for a man.

@LoveIsTheLight

I feel heartbroken. I have a new baby. And this mess. I have been let down by my husband. I understand that and I have communicated to him what I believe he did wrong. But I also understand that my baby deserves a chance to have both mum n dad present in her life. I am very resentful of my husband. We met 5 years ago and fell in love. So I am truly feeling dejected when I see that my husband chose not support me. But..I don’t want to break up my family over his mother..I hope I was able to explain how I feel. I think the most intelligent way to handle this is to have zero expectations from DH, watch out for the baby n myself and be strong n tight lipped whilst continuing to stand up for my principles. When the baby is older, I may have to actively teach her to be polite/loving n courteous but also wary of confiding in MIL and SIL. I don’t know how else to best handle this.

Em no have some self respect. You should have these expectations of your husband. Use my analogy earlier, but yeh sorry add to the analogy that he’s having a naked heart attack and also pissed himself during.

I think the most intelligent way to handle this is to have zero expectations from DH, watch out for the baby n myself and be strong n tight lipped whilst continuing to stand up for my principles.

It's very, very sad that any wife should have zero expectations of her husband. I expect a great deal from my husband and he has the right to expect a great deal from me. Loyalty for starters, and sympathy and understanding too. And to have the other's back when there are disagreements with family members, unless we're way, WAY out of line.

So no, I don't think it's the most intelligent way of handling this. The most intelligent way would be to state your position clearly and then state your expectations of him as your husband. It will then be up to him to make the choice between his wife and his family.

Be civil and polite if you ever meet at wider family events etc. Don't bad mouth her to your dh, but stand resolute that you won't socialise with anyone who treats you so disrespectfully. Dh is free to continue his relationship with her and can facilitate your dd's, but at the same time he must respect your right to enforce boundaries.

Fuck that! You have nothing to apologise for.

Maybe show dh this thread so he can see the many views that’s he’s let out and also his child down

You

OP,

Believe me it will be very hard to remain in an emotionally connected marriage if you steel yourself to have zero expectations of your husband.

He has behaved very badly as have his family.

Your family must be so concerned.
Your mother saw first hand exactly how toxic things are.
She must be devastated for you.

Would you consider going to stay with your parents for a while.

Your husband needs a dose of reality.

He doesn't get to insist on anything, least of all about what shit you will suck up and accept from his family.

I think some time with people who care about you would be good.

You need protecting.

Iwould never set foot in their house again
Butgirl you need to talk with your "d"h as he sides with his parents and not with you. .. which is very, very bad

YANBU

I wouldn't go there unless and until I got what I felt was a genuine apology.

Your MIL behaved awfully and your DH not telling her so, is a big disappointment.

She loves your DD so much, but threw an object towards her..that's not acceptable.

My DH is pretty passive where his family is concerned, but even he would have been furious in your situation if his DM kicked off.

I'd stick to your guns and ask your H not to mention it again, unless his mother sees the error of her ways....not that you'd trust her even then.

She sounds like a massive attention seeker.

Hi Op..,
Your mother in Law should have apologise to you,and making up to you in whatever ways too.
No excuses whaterever for her behaviour,
I feel pulled in opposite directions,polar extremes, thinking of your situation, I feel very mixed feelings, I sense that you may feel the same way,
I get how you feel,you and DH need to set up personal/family boundaries,dealing with your in laws family,your mother in law.

Your husband should/needs to be more supportive have your back in anything related to your mother in Law
Your husband obviously deluded as he clouded too emotional as it his family dynamic ,he so used to this it seems normal to him it isn as we know on this thread..
I must admit agree with other poster that living with your in laws and than having your mother coming to stay,was very good/gracious of your DH family to do this.

I do think it would obviously be a living arrangement that could be Claustrophic/quite intense, emotional field as your hormones all over place naturally, having to navigate new motherhood,plus having to deal cope with a highly strung neurotic, pushy,overwhelming mother at times,no wonder its been so stressful,at least you had some space separate living spaces,what a relief that must been.

Wow, no way op. I thought you was going to say 15 years or something but 3 months?? Fuck that, fuck them all and get on with your life without them.

Are they from a different culture? All sounds very dramatic