Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH insists I move on from massive row with his parents

265 replies

LoveIsTheLight · 17/12/2020 12:18

I am looking for an honest answer. I want to do the right thing. I have no shame in admitting I am wrong, but I have always been brought up to only apologize when I have done wrong or unjust. Long story short, we moved (to where my husbands family reside) from overseas and decided to stay with his family until we could find work and become stable. We don’t live there anymore but everything happened while there. Shortly after, found out I was pregnant with first DD. My mum came to visit from overseas after a massive operation to help out with new baby because it was her first gradchild and it was her hearts desire to hold her newborn grandbaby despite her health condition. In laws made clear they would not be able to help and MIL booked 6 teeth implant procedures during the delivery dates. So as a new mom I was hugely relieved and grateful that my mom was going to be there to help me navigate the first few weeks of motherhood. I had no expectations from inlaws despite living in their home. Anyway MIL and SIL (who came to visit on the date of my delivery) were horrid to me throughout. MIL actually forced her way into my delivery room as I was screaming in pain (I had a traumatic delivery, DD almost did not make it, neither did I as I lost alot of blood) and nurse had to ask her to leave multiple times as I was often naked, being checked by multiple doctors and bleeding profusely on the hospital bed. She managed to blame me after for making her feel excluded during the delivery. Which to me was shocking as she did absolutely nothing for me and her grandchild once we were home, not even offer to make me a cup of tea. My mom was the rock who helped, cooked n cleaned n did laundry and made sure I was fed and on the road to recovery despite being rather unwell herself. Anyway one day I had enough and snapped at MIL when she passed a rude comment at my mother. She started yelling and ran out in the garden and said some horrible things about me. Fast forward a few days later when things were calm, DH,DM and baby and I sat down to have a conversation with inlaws and speak heart to heart about how we were feeling. She got so angry about the things I shared, denied them all infront of her son snd husband and threw her glasses violently towards my baby and mom and screeched at My DH, “take her away! Get her out of here!” as if I was a dog and started hurling obscenities at my mom n I. Baby started crying/my mom was shocked, she took baby in arms and asked me to leave with her. Fast forward, we moved out at a very inconvenient time financially and with a new baby. Now DH has a good stable job, financially comfortable and have a beautiful apartment. Happy domestic life. But DH insists I go along with him to meet his family and let by gones be bygones. His parents have been asking about me and telling him time has passed, she should forget what happened etc. I think they want access to my daughter which I am on the fence about. But by refusing to go, I am essentially coming off as the B^t*h here. AIBU in not wanting to go?

OP posts:
Thatwentbadly · 17/12/2020 14:02

Has MIL accepted that what she did was wrong and apologised? Can your DH recall everything (my DH has a tendency to forget PIL transgressions) and said that he thinks MIL was out of line?

Holothane · 17/12/2020 14:03

Never see this nasty evil woman again that is shocking what I read hugs.

Chloemol · 17/12/2020 14:03

Nope. I would be advising your husband that until they formally apologise for their behaviour, confirm it’s never going to happen again, and they are going to respect you and any boundaries out in place you will not be visiting them. If he wants to invite them to yours that’s fine, you and the baby will be going out. It’s no example for a child

YoniAndGuy · 17/12/2020 14:06

Never in a fucking million years.

She threw something at your newborn?!!!

DH is deluded enough to believe that his family have no issues with me whatsoever and i am the one hanging on to the past and not letting anyone move past it.

Tell him it's time to choose who his family are.

Cliff1975 · 17/12/2020 14:08

Make sure you get this right now. I have been married for 20 years and MIL is still the only thing we row about. I so wish I had been stronger in the beginning. Don't give in.

YoniAndGuy · 17/12/2020 14:09

And if he so much as even THINKS of taking your child to see them without you, you tell him you will be straight on the phone to Social Services asking their advice on allowing contact with a woman who attempted to assault your newborn.

Seriously, this is one of the worst I've ever read. That one act shows absolutely that you should NEVER move through this. It won't end well. The fact there has been no apology tells you everythign you need to know. You will not have a happy marriage with these people as part of your extended family and you will not have a happy marriage until your DH sees how toxic they are.

LemonBreeland · 17/12/2020 14:10

I think you need to be clear to your DH that if a very sincere apology is forthcoming from his parent you will consider being in their lives again. But you can't just be expected to pretend it never happened. Would he seriously be happy to visit people who treated him like that.

PlugUgly1980 · 17/12/2020 14:11

No, go no contact with them. Best decision I made. DH can take the kids to visit and do what he likes with them, but I keep out of it.

Watermelon888 · 17/12/2020 14:12

@LoveIsTheLight

I agree with all of the other posters, YANBU.

I’m interested to know what brought on this outburst, and was there any hint of it brewing? It sounds so childish of her.

Weddings and childbirth seems to bring out the worst in some families, especially mil’s! We had a few tense moments with mil around our wedding and birth of first child many years ago, albeit not as extreme as this. I’m not sure if it brings out some competition between the two mums, and involves jealousy, but whatever it is it is unacceptable.

Whatever you decide, do it on your terms in discussion with dh, but don’t let them walk all over you.

UsernameSpoosername · 17/12/2020 14:12

I mean, we only have your side of the story here... so... 🤷🏼‍♀️

Letting you, DH, baby & your mum stay in her house doesn’t make her sound like the worst woman in the world, more saintly tbh.

Alexandernevermind · 17/12/2020 14:13

Back to this what the hell happened to hospital security where you gave birth? The delivery and baby suite of our local NHS hospital is like Fort Knox.
You only gave birth 3 months ago, in a pandemic, and only the absolute minimum of people are allowed in hospital. Even fathers in some cases haven't been allowed in until birth is imminent. How was your MIL able to gain access the the highest security area in the hospital and force her way in multiple times? Sorry if I'm wrong but I'm smelling a rat.

Craftycorvid · 17/12/2020 14:14

Resorting to throwing something at a baby - no matter what the provocation - is very worrying and it would be understandable if you didn’t want unsupervised contact after that! I can also see she contributed to a traumatic birth being worse than it needed to be.

Both these actions are troubling on her part and I think it’s reasonable that you feel reluctant to try to mend any fences.

However, your baby will get more and more conscious there’s a rift as she grows up, and for the sake of that relationship, is there a way to manage a conversation with MIL, making it quite clear - and owning your feelings - of the impact her actions had on you? Also stating that you would like your baby to have a relationship with both grandparents but you feel concerned about this behaviour being repeated. If you try and it results in hysteria/refusal to engage, you have your answer. And you may need to be very firm on no contact unless you get to discuss this openly and fully. She became violent. That isn’t something to brush to one side.

dayswithaY · 17/12/2020 14:14

My MIL did something similar when my DD was a few months old. She freaked out and then blamed me for not providing enough supplies and that there was something wrong with my new born DD as her babies didn't behave like that. I told DH I couldn't move on without an apology from her so she wrote me a letter including the words:

"This was NOT my fault!"

This underlined so many times that she tore the note paper. Kind of defeats the object of an apology letter. This was 20 years ago and we've barely spoken since. All she had to do was say sorry and make nice, but she was convinced it wasn't her fault. I guess she still feels vindicated, sitting alone.

tara66 · 17/12/2020 14:14

Perhaps your DH and your PIL are from a different culture to yours - one where the DIL (you) is always subservient to the matriarch (MIL) for a few decades?

TingTastic · 17/12/2020 14:15

I would love to hear MIL side of the story

GabsAlot · 17/12/2020 14:17

She obviously resented your own mother being there nothing wrong with that but she sounds demented

no i wouldnt have anything to do with her perosnally why should she be allowed to treat people like that and everyone should forget about it

your dh is the real problem he should be saying mum you screamed at her threw things and treated her like shit no she wont see you and why havent you aplogised for this

Alexandernevermind · 17/12/2020 14:17

@TingTastic
I would love to hear MIL side of the story
I don't think there is one, the hospital thing I keep harping on about makes me think this is Jackanory.

Watermelon888 · 17/12/2020 14:20

@Alexandernevermind

Back to this what the hell happened to hospital security where you gave birth? The delivery and baby suite of our local NHS hospital is like Fort Knox. You only gave birth 3 months ago, in a pandemic, and only the absolute minimum of people are allowed in hospital. Even fathers in some cases haven't been allowed in until birth is imminent. How was your MIL able to gain access the the highest security area in the hospital and force her way in multiple times? Sorry if I'm wrong but I'm smelling a rat.
Yes I did think that too!
amatsip · 17/12/2020 14:20

When you said pride and joy for in-laws do you mind me asking what culture are your in-laws?

MaelyssQ · 17/12/2020 14:21

How did you manage to have multiple people in the delivery room during a pandemic?

Have you over-exaggerated MIL's behaviour? She did give you and DH somewhere to live, somewhere self-contained, and presumably had no objection to you moving your mother in after you'd had your baby.

xmasnc2020 · 17/12/2020 14:21

@TragedyHands what an utterly stupid thing to say. Social care would laugh in your face.

Op, this situation is ridiculous. If my MIL had done even one of the things yours has, my partner would have stepped in and stopped it, because it's obviously not acceptable.

Your DH hasn't done this, so why are you with him? You all sound completely daft.

Billben · 17/12/2020 14:22

Every time I see or hear the words “insist” my automatic reaction is to go: Oh, do fuck off 😂

xmasnc2020 · 17/12/2020 14:23

@amatsip I was about the ask the same.

It doesn't sound like stereotypical British culture.

Topseyt · 17/12/2020 14:25

I don’t see it as relevant how long you lived on her premises, although living in close proximity can obviously cause tension. That still doesn’t excuse her disgraceful behaviour towards you, your baby and your own mother.

She barged into the delivery room when you were at your most vulnerable and most in need of privacy. She also became verbally and physically abusive towards you and she threw her glasses at your newborn DD.

If that were me I would refuse to ever see her again and she wouldn’t see my child either. DH could go on his own if he doesn’t have the balls to stand up to her.

unlikelytobe · 17/12/2020 14:33

Canada is a diverse country and I think what some people may be curious about is whether this is a cultural thing specific to your DH's family - the Queen Bee MIL, living as an extended family, your MIL feeling entitled to be at the birth etc. It's bizarre and very dramatic. I have Canadian friends but can't relate to this carry on.

They want to sweep it under the carpet? No way. A proper apology however insincere would be a start to building a better relationship in the future but I think you'll have your hands full with that lot!