DH insists I move on from massive row with his parents

[LoveIsTheLight]

I am looking for an honest answer. I want to do the right thing. I have no shame in admitting I am wrong, but I have always been brought up to only apologize when I have done wrong or unjust. Long story short, we moved (to where my husbands family reside) from overseas and decided to stay with his family until we could find work and become stable. We don’t live there anymore but everything happened while there. Shortly after, found out I was pregnant with first DD. My mum came to visit from overseas after a massive operation to help out with new baby because it was her first gradchild and it was her hearts desire to hold her newborn grandbaby despite her health condition. In laws made clear they would not be able to help and MIL booked 6 teeth implant procedures during the delivery dates. So as a new mom I was hugely relieved and grateful that my mom was going to be there to help me navigate the first few weeks of motherhood. I had no expectations from inlaws despite living in their home. Anyway MIL and SIL (who came to visit on the date of my delivery) were horrid to me throughout. MIL actually forced her way into my delivery room as I was screaming in pain (I had a traumatic delivery, DD almost did not make it, neither did I as I lost alot of blood) and nurse had to ask her to leave multiple times as I was often naked, being checked by multiple doctors and bleeding profusely on the hospital bed. She managed to blame me after for making her feel excluded during the delivery. Which to me was shocking as she did absolutely nothing for me and her grandchild once we were home, not even offer to make me a cup of tea. My mom was the rock who helped, cooked n cleaned n did laundry and made sure I was fed and on the road to recovery despite being rather unwell herself. Anyway one day I had enough and snapped at MIL when she passed a rude comment at my mother. She started yelling and ran out in the garden and said some horrible things about me. Fast forward a few days later when things were calm, DH,DM and baby and I sat down to have a conversation with inlaws and speak heart to heart about how we were feeling. She got so angry about the things I shared, denied them all infront of her son snd husband and threw her glasses violently towards my baby and mom and screeched at My DH, “take her away! Get her out of here!” as if I was a dog and started hurling obscenities at my mom n I. Baby started crying/my mom was shocked, she took baby in arms and asked me to leave with her. Fast forward, we moved out at a very inconvenient time financially and with a new baby. Now DH has a good stable job, financially comfortable and have a beautiful apartment. Happy domestic life. But DH insists I go along with him to meet his family and let by gones be bygones. His parents have been asking about me and telling him time has passed, she should forget what happened etc. I think they want access to my daughter which I am on the fence about. But by refusing to go, I am essentially coming off as the B^t*h here. AIBU in not wanting to go?

You lived off these people then cut them out. What work did you do, what rent did you pay? You came to them with nothing and expected to be kept. Are you financially self sufficient or did you expect them to keep you because you were pregnant? I'm honestly shocked reading this.

@Frestba

You lived off these people then cut them out. What work did you do, what rent did you pay? You came to them with nothing and expected to be kept. Are you financially self sufficient or did you expect them to keep you because you were pregnant? I'm honestly shocked reading this.

They didn't pay any rent

I think some posters don’t understand the set-up the OP is describing here. Think of the house as divided into 2 separate flats, rather than a single family home. This sort of housing is very common in parts of Canada. OP already stated that they lived entirely separately in terms of paying food and utilities and “keeping house” they just happened to not be charged any rent. Separate households, like neighbours. They were not crammed all into a single house altogether and being “kept”. Just because they were not charged rent to live in this “flat” doesn’t mean that the OP is beholden to them to have to tolerate this level crap. Their behaviour is shocking and your DH needs to understand this.

I have these in laws. They didn't get better.

I decided I didn't respect them so didn't care what they thought. Told DH I would minimise contact. No one had the right to ask me to be abused. I wouldn't be forced. Neither should you. If you do, you'll endure years of abuse & you'll be miserable.

I'll admit they still tried & only improved behaviour when MIL went way too far a couple of years ago. I said no more, I'm done. DH finally backed me & gave them a warning to back off. One more comment & well move away & cut contact. I can see she wants to rant but won't.

In short, refuse. Stand your ground. Say he can't ask you to put up with abuse. Would he?

@Frestba

You lived off these people then cut them out. What work did you do, what rent did you pay? You came to them with nothing and expected to be kept. Are you financially self sufficient or did you expect them to keep you because you were pregnant? I'm honestly shocked reading this.

No. That isn't what the OP has said at all. They lived on an entirely separate and self-contained floor of the in-laws' house in Canada. An arrangement similar to a granny-flat or granny-annex in the UK.

So essentially the same as living in different apartments. She says that the only shared area was the garden. I don't see why that is shocking to you.

I once lived in an apartment building in London with shared communal areas. I had a baby whilst there too, just to shock you even more.

She also says that they had moved there (to Canada) from overseas and were staying in the apartment while they became established and stable. They moved out after a year (and the abuse.

Surely many families do that sort of thing for each other if they can.

None of it entitled MIL to pull shit like burst into the delivery room while OP was in the middle of a difficult birth, or to throw her glasses at her baby granddaughter in a fit of pique while screaming abuse. Are you really suggesting that was acceptable?

I am a big believer in forgiveness, but for yourself, definitely not for them. Forgive them, but this is exactly how I got (almost) NC with MIL, her being manipulative and a liar.

If she apologises (but if she's anything like my MIL she doesn't even believe she did anything wrong) I'd keep a minimal relationship, but nothing more.

So sorry you feel heartbroken, OP, and unsure which way to go. A lot may depend on what your DH said when you sat down to talk with him since this thread started. Does he understand that he needs to support you and stick up for you against his mother's appalling behavour? Or is he stilll confused about the fact that it was appalling? How did he react? Maybe show him this thread so that he realises that what he seems to think is normal is not normal, and should not happen. Does he need a bit more time to reappraise his own attitudes and come backto you about it? What has he said when you talked to him about it? Is he prepared to act like a husband and protect you from abuse?
As others have said, what you do now is about drawing boundaries so that you cannot be attacked like this again. Lots of luck, and hope you sort this out with DH.

Tell your DH that you would be happy to resume seeing your MIL if she apologises for her behaviour when you were in labour.

Let him put pressure on her instead of you.

I think the most intelligent way to handle this is to have zero expectations from DH, watch out for the baby n myself and be strong n tight lipped whilst continuing to stand up for my principles. When the baby is older, I may have to actively teach her to be polite/loving n courteous but also wary of confiding in MIL and SIL.

So, I have personal experience of doing that.
If you do, your marriage is dead.
You’ll have lost any respect for him. And you’ll be resentful to do everything on your own. Because I doubt he will step up (in any other area if you don’t give him at least some signal of what is expected from him).
AND your MIL will carry on unopposed with imposing her ‘law’.

@blowinahoolie

A compromise in this situation would be let your DH take the baby to see his parents on his own. That way you don't have to see them and your child will grow up having a relationship with their grandparents.

I have personal experience of this type of set up. DH took my eldest over to his parents when I didn't see eye to eye with them after the birth. There was a fall out. But I would never stop DC having a relationship with their grandparents.

Hell would freeze over before I let my DH take the kids to see a woman who treated me so appallingly....

this is what MIL wants.. Her darling son and her grandchild.. and exclude OP... fuck that.. DH can go visit himself.. baby stays with OP..

People have forgotten that the mil threw an item at the baby so that is assault, you should have called the police op. There's no way the baby should be in her company. If a man did this there'd be uproar but people always minimise abusive behaviour from women. The hospital staff can confirm her trespassing into the delivery room.

I'd be very tempted to wear a discreet body camera & film her antics the next time I'd see her. Then play it back tomy dh and ask him if he really wants his child in that abusers company.

But sdid she throw an item at the baby (but apparently it didn,t him baby.0 Or did she something that happened to land near baby. Neither are good but they both have differnt agendas.

Are you in England? I find it difficult to believe that anyone can just turn up in a delivery room?

[quote UsernameSpoosername]@Brefugee

*Letting you, DH, baby & your mum stay in her house doesn’t make her sound like the worst woman in the world, more saintly tbh.

some selective reading skills there, are you the MIL?*

• No, certainly wasn’t selective reading either. The only true facts I can take from this, is that OP stayed in her MILS house along with her DH, baby and temporarily her mother. Anything else is her side of the story & i’m sure MIL might explain it differently.[/quote]

That very much crossed my mind as well...