DH insists I move on from massive row with his parents

[LoveIsTheLight]

I am looking for an honest answer. I want to do the right thing. I have no shame in admitting I am wrong, but I have always been brought up to only apologize when I have done wrong or unjust. Long story short, we moved (to where my husbands family reside) from overseas and decided to stay with his family until we could find work and become stable. We don’t live there anymore but everything happened while there. Shortly after, found out I was pregnant with first DD. My mum came to visit from overseas after a massive operation to help out with new baby because it was her first gradchild and it was her hearts desire to hold her newborn grandbaby despite her health condition. In laws made clear they would not be able to help and MIL booked 6 teeth implant procedures during the delivery dates. So as a new mom I was hugely relieved and grateful that my mom was going to be there to help me navigate the first few weeks of motherhood. I had no expectations from inlaws despite living in their home. Anyway MIL and SIL (who came to visit on the date of my delivery) were horrid to me throughout. MIL actually forced her way into my delivery room as I was screaming in pain (I had a traumatic delivery, DD almost did not make it, neither did I as I lost alot of blood) and nurse had to ask her to leave multiple times as I was often naked, being checked by multiple doctors and bleeding profusely on the hospital bed. She managed to blame me after for making her feel excluded during the delivery. Which to me was shocking as she did absolutely nothing for me and her grandchild once we were home, not even offer to make me a cup of tea. My mom was the rock who helped, cooked n cleaned n did laundry and made sure I was fed and on the road to recovery despite being rather unwell herself. Anyway one day I had enough and snapped at MIL when she passed a rude comment at my mother. She started yelling and ran out in the garden and said some horrible things about me. Fast forward a few days later when things were calm, DH,DM and baby and I sat down to have a conversation with inlaws and speak heart to heart about how we were feeling. She got so angry about the things I shared, denied them all infront of her son snd husband and threw her glasses violently towards my baby and mom and screeched at My DH, “take her away! Get her out of here!” as if I was a dog and started hurling obscenities at my mom n I. Baby started crying/my mom was shocked, she took baby in arms and asked me to leave with her. Fast forward, we moved out at a very inconvenient time financially and with a new baby. Now DH has a good stable job, financially comfortable and have a beautiful apartment. Happy domestic life. But DH insists I go along with him to meet his family and let by gones be bygones. His parents have been asking about me and telling him time has passed, she should forget what happened etc. I think they want access to my daughter which I am on the fence about. But by refusing to go, I am essentially coming off as the B^t*h here. AIBU in not wanting to go?

But I think MIL wants greater access to DD n DH. Hence insisting involving me as I am the centre of our little family

So not sorry at all then. Not putting it past. Just purely wanting more access to the wee one.

I wouldn’t even think any future sorry was genuine - merely an opportunity to get her own way.

I do agree that you will need to find a way forward. It doesn’t have to involve you and her being in the same vicinity though.

And your dh needs to get her telt. It isn’t his place to say forgive her and let it by. He was not the one who was insulted.

YANBU. You are a better person than me cause there isn’t no way I’d allow her anywhere near her grandchild after those antics!

I’m not very forgiving and would politely tell your dh to go fuck himself and that unless you got a sincere apology from her then you don’t want anything to do with her.

Oh and of course your DH has no idea how to deal with this, other than to capitulate, because that is the only response he's ever known.

Yanbu, obviously. Your MiL sounds out of control. Did she always have these rage episodes? I would not really want her around my young child, she sounds like one of those MiLs who will decide to feed your child inappropriate food at 4 months old and insist they are ready to skip a nap when they aren’t and so on. And would your DP stop her? He sounds like he is intimidated by her and will agree to anything for a quiet life, including putting your interests and those of your baby second.

He enables her by continuing to visit her with the baby, without demanding an explanation and a very sincere apology to you.

This would be a huge issue for me if my DP behaved like this and expected you to go along with it.

I would say to DH, that you don’t want him taking the baby to her any more as you don’t trust her to behave like a normal person around the baby, and you don’t want to have any contact with her until you have a profuse apology, and then you will allow her to visit at your apartment, for a short visit. I certainly wouldn’t make the effort to take the baby to her.

I would also say to Dh you don’t have anything against FIL so if he wants to visit on his own pending MIL’s apology, he can do so.

By refusing to visit you are I would say 'in the right' but you also have a difficult situation once your child is big enough to ask why you don't or to want you to do things together as an extended family. well, I may be flamed for saying this but if the DD asked in the future why they never went to her grandparents together I would tell her.

I don’t see why any relationship with someone who is quite this toxic and who is capable of inflicting physical harm on someone else should be protected.

what country do you live in now, OP?

I don't think you are 'coming across as the B', OP, and though it can ease social situations to let bygones be bygones, would your DH and MIL be so easy going about forgetting things if you'd behaved as she had with no provocation. At the risk of cultural insensitivity, does she come from a culture where parents can do no wrong and, in effect, mistreat DIL with impunity?

Many would struggle to forgive and forget, both the MiL and DiL. The next time your DH tries to minimise, you might need to put him straight or, if he is from a culture that is deferential to parents, perhaps your parents might want to drum some sense into him and see how he likes it.

Good luck.

Sorry, SiL not DiL.

You can’t really say (imo) that you’re alright with them being around your daughter but you cannot forgive them yourself.

If they’re not good enough for you, they shouldn’t be anywhere near your child. Biology or not.

Canada. Also as previous posters rightly commented, there is definitely a cultural divide. “Bring DIL to boot” doesn’t even begin to explain it. I also got a “if you have a son, he will be close to you as sons love their moms” bullshit before I found out the sex of the baby.

Hi OP

Do you live in the UK? Just being nosy

I would take the moral high ground for the sake of your husband and child. He must be devastated to have such odd parents. Agree to see them on high days and holidays but keep them at arms length. Always. And actually three months is quite soon to simply forgive and forget. It must still be raw so make her sweat for longer

I think emotions are high on all sides when someone has a baby and the family struggle to understand where they fit.

You've had a Barney and things have been said. It sounds like it got heated but they want to move on.

I had an almighty bust up with ILs after my first DC. It smoothed over in the end. She didn't apologise. We should "agree to disagree ". Really boiled my piss.

Anyway.

I think you should move on. You don't have to forget about it. But it would be better all round it you could at least be civil. No one is asking you to like them

well, yes she sounds awful, but imagine...

You moved in with them with no leaving date, got pregnant, had the baby in their house, moved your mum in who then took over (in part) regarding cooking and cleaning

I love my DIL, but this to me would be a big ask, and you don't sound appreciative of them offering you their home for so long

So yes, they sound like they behaved awfully, but is it possible that you lack awareness of the huge imposition on their lives you made?

Maybe try to see it a bit from their point of view, and move on and see how it goes (you can always change your mind again)

OP been there got the T-Shirt.

Do not make up. It won’t make a bit of difference. She wouldn’t have had a personality transplant. She is still the same person.

I forgave Mil over her antics whilst I was pregnant and at the the birth then she went on to ruin my wedding and I’ve never spoken to her since.

Learn your lesson.

Tell your dh your an adult. You get to choose who you speak to you.

I wouldn't allow my child to spend time with anyone who treated me badly and then refused to apologise. But then it wouldn't be an issue as there's no way DH would tolerate anyone treating me the way you've been treated.

@LoveIsTheLight

Canada. Also as previous posters rightly commented, there is definitely a cultural divide. “Bring DIL to boot” doesn’t even begin to explain it. I also got a “if you have a son, he will be close to you as sons love their moms” bullshit before I found out the sex of the baby.

I’m sorry.

This is not representative of all Canadians.

I would not agree to forget- and the insults to your mother are a disgrace.

So maybe your husband needs to be more aware of the effect on you, and prevented from minimising it- which is what he seems to be doing.

Where was your DH in all that and why is it that the sharing of what had been said done by the MIL was a discovery fir him when you had THE talk??

I mean great that your mum was there. Thankfully she was there. But I’m surprised that after such a traumatic birth he wasn’t there too to support you.
That he didn’t know about the major issues with MIL
And it seems issues only happened when he wasn’t there? Or was he there and he completely blind??

@ChickenyChick i think some clarification is needed. My mum stayed for 2weeks to help me out. Then left. We lived on two separate floors(us on ground floor). We paid for everything ourselves-food,electricity,water,heat,petrol with the exception of rent (the ground floor was basically empty n used for storage). We had completely separate lives no imposition at all. Husbands family loved that their son lived in their home. It was a source of great pride n joy for my ILs.

Many people love their relatives unconditionally and can’t see through faults or want to pretend they are not there. FIL was a horrid person but deep down he was racist and I’m mixed race, he was always off with me. You mention you are from overseas, some racism or xenophobia could be in the mix as well.

His Mother may also just not be able to accept he has another woman in his life.

Unless she accepts her behaviour and apologises there will always be an undercurrent, I sadly doubt this will happen unless your DH insists. Even then the sincerity of it would probably not be real. Some people are just utterly vile and sadly looks like you have one of them as a MIL.

Dh doesn’t get To tell you what to do

Regarding the horrific barging into your delivery repeatedly - what the hell happened to hospital security where you gave birth? The delivery and baby suite of our local NHS hospital is like Fort Knox.

I would be tempted to move (abroad?) to get Dd as far away from them as possible and to never have to see them again. What is your DH thinking still going around to see them after than especially without them apologising??

@LoveIsTheLight

We stayed a year. Two separate functional floors with different bathrooms n kitchens. Basically we only shared a garden. Separate entrance access n parking spots etc. Basically sometimes we went “upstairs” to share a cup of tea or a “visit”.

And you're complaining?

No you’re not, she sounds awful. I really detest anyone who feelas they have the right to be in the delivery room too. Especially MIL’s!