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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH insists I move on from massive row with his parents

265 replies

LoveIsTheLight · 17/12/2020 12:18

I am looking for an honest answer. I want to do the right thing. I have no shame in admitting I am wrong, but I have always been brought up to only apologize when I have done wrong or unjust. Long story short, we moved (to where my husbands family reside) from overseas and decided to stay with his family until we could find work and become stable. We don’t live there anymore but everything happened while there. Shortly after, found out I was pregnant with first DD. My mum came to visit from overseas after a massive operation to help out with new baby because it was her first gradchild and it was her hearts desire to hold her newborn grandbaby despite her health condition. In laws made clear they would not be able to help and MIL booked 6 teeth implant procedures during the delivery dates. So as a new mom I was hugely relieved and grateful that my mom was going to be there to help me navigate the first few weeks of motherhood. I had no expectations from inlaws despite living in their home. Anyway MIL and SIL (who came to visit on the date of my delivery) were horrid to me throughout. MIL actually forced her way into my delivery room as I was screaming in pain (I had a traumatic delivery, DD almost did not make it, neither did I as I lost alot of blood) and nurse had to ask her to leave multiple times as I was often naked, being checked by multiple doctors and bleeding profusely on the hospital bed. She managed to blame me after for making her feel excluded during the delivery. Which to me was shocking as she did absolutely nothing for me and her grandchild once we were home, not even offer to make me a cup of tea. My mom was the rock who helped, cooked n cleaned n did laundry and made sure I was fed and on the road to recovery despite being rather unwell herself. Anyway one day I had enough and snapped at MIL when she passed a rude comment at my mother. She started yelling and ran out in the garden and said some horrible things about me. Fast forward a few days later when things were calm, DH,DM and baby and I sat down to have a conversation with inlaws and speak heart to heart about how we were feeling. She got so angry about the things I shared, denied them all infront of her son snd husband and threw her glasses violently towards my baby and mom and screeched at My DH, “take her away! Get her out of here!” as if I was a dog and started hurling obscenities at my mom n I. Baby started crying/my mom was shocked, she took baby in arms and asked me to leave with her. Fast forward, we moved out at a very inconvenient time financially and with a new baby. Now DH has a good stable job, financially comfortable and have a beautiful apartment. Happy domestic life. But DH insists I go along with him to meet his family and let by gones be bygones. His parents have been asking about me and telling him time has passed, she should forget what happened etc. I think they want access to my daughter which I am on the fence about. But by refusing to go, I am essentially coming off as the B^t*h here. AIBU in not wanting to go?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/12/2020 12:54

Because it is his mother I would not expect DH to cut contact. I would also be ok with child going (so long as with dh). I would never see her again

FWIW this is exactly how I'd handle it (and did)

The only remaining risk is that the MIL, encouraged by DH, could start pouring poison into the DD instead - definitely something to watch out for

Viviennemary · 17/12/2020 12:56

Don't go. But living in somebody else's house is a recipe for trouble. Let your DH take the baby on his own.

Trisolaris · 17/12/2020 12:57

He can’t insist you are around people who you don’t feel safe with.

They were abusive to you at a very vulnerable point and refuse to acknowledge that.

You have to protect yourself and your daughter as he isn’t willing to protect either of you.

museumum · 17/12/2020 12:58

You definitely shouldn't apologise, but I think you also have to accept that she's not going to either. What you do from now is up to you. I might be willing to ignore the lack of apology and just tolerate meeting up with them and being polite IF and ONLY IF her actual behaviour towards you going forward is polite and respectful.
By refusing to visit you are I would say 'in the right' but you also have a difficult situation once your child is big enough to ask why you don't or to want you to do things together as an extended family.
If it's possible to avoid that it would be good. I'd go along for a visit or two, low pressure, casual, not expecting an apology but if MIL does or says anything disrespectful to you then that's that, never again.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 17/12/2020 12:59

I'm surprised so many posters would be ok with their baby going yo spend time with a woman that threw something at her when she was a new born. Weird!

Chailatte20 · 17/12/2020 12:59

Ask your husband what he would have done if the glass his mum threw at your baby actually hurt the baby?

That's your answer, this woman tried to physically hurt your baby so there's no way on God's earth would I let her near my child.

Yohoheaveho · 17/12/2020 13:00

Behaving in extreme and completely unacceptable ways and then minimising it and expecting others to overlook it... this kind of thing is big red flag, it's all very 'personality disorder'
I think it indicates a person who has no ability to introspect, who refuses to be accountable, who just follows their bullying instincts to dominate and crush others....that's what she's trying to do to you OP, bring you under her control so that she can dominate and crush you.

Ilovechinese · 17/12/2020 13:01

No way dont go there! Tell your husband you cant forgive her when she hasn't even apologised plus even if she did now you would know she was only saying it to get you to go round. How rude and disrespectful of her trying to get into the delivery room! And then to insult your mum and throw something at your baby! I would be no contact and no relationship ever with my child after that! And if husband didnt back me up then he could f* off too!!

Strokethefurrywall · 17/12/2020 13:01

Cold day in hell before I would ever apologize. Stick to your guns OP. This is not your problem, it's your husbands and your ILs.

Sorry you had to go through that.

SunshineCake · 17/12/2020 13:01

No, he absolutely does not take the baby to see them. Why the fuck should they get the joy of the baby when they treat her mother so disgustingly.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/12/2020 13:02

I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel resentful towards him re this. I really did expect more

And so you should Flowers
The real shame here is that it ought to be possible for you to move on and deal with this together, but instead he just wants it brushed aside when actually that will enable even worse behaviour from her

I was married to a man like this for over 30 years, and sadly it never got any better - here's hoping yours can find more insight

Feedingthebirds1 · 17/12/2020 13:02

Your DH probably didn't see quite a lot of what went on if he was at work, and he'll have minimised what he did see.

If you have a bit of time, can you write out everything she said or did, and give it to him? Let him see the whole picture, and tell him you're not going to move on unless his DM acknowledges and apologises for her behaviour.

If he's still pushing, ask him where his priorities and loyalty are. If they're clearly with his DM and family, then you'll have some thinking to do.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 17/12/2020 13:03

It would be a cold day in hell before I would even set eyes on that bitch again.

Have nothing to do with them and I think I’d not be letting them have access to DD either.

The phrase, “You live by the sword, you die by the sword” is very apt. She’s treated you appallingly and not apologised. Why on earth would you ever forgive that?

FeedMeSantiago · 17/12/2020 13:03

MIL actually forced her way into my delivery room as I was screaming in pain (I had a traumatic delivery, DD almost did not make it, neither did I as I lost alot of blood) and nurse had to ask her to leave multiple times as I was often naked, being checked by multiple doctors and bleeding profusely on the hospital bed

Shock

That is so bang out of order that I don't understand how your DH doesn't see that!
If he had had major surgery and your mother walked in on him naked and bleeding I bet he would be demanding an apology from her before seeing him again.

On top of that, MIL also threw an object at you and your newborn? Fuck that, I wouldn't be seeing her again either and I wouldn't be letting her see the baby either. Not the actions of a loving grandmother.

She owes you a humongous, grovelling apology.

CaMePlaitPas · 17/12/2020 13:03

If anyone threw anything at my mother or my baby it would be the last thing they ever did. I would NEVER forgive and NEVER forget that one OP.

Confusedandshaken · 17/12/2020 13:04

3 months isn't very long. Tell your husband you hope this situation will heal in time but for now you would prefer not to see them. Just keep repeating that for as long as it takes. Don't try and force him to take your side as he clearly is no more ready for that than you are ready to forgive.

VetiverAndLavender · 17/12/2020 13:05

Three months is nothing after such a display. Your husband is being ridiculous to think that you'll ever have a normal relationship with his mother after that, especially when she hasn't even apologised. She sounds emotionally unstable to a possibly dangerous degree. Throwing things near an infant?! I'm almost surprised you're okay with your husband taking the baby to see her.

LH1987 · 17/12/2020 13:06

Not a hope would I forgive her! She sounds unstable and I wouldn’t have her ANYWHERE near my child.

Tell your DH to buck his ideas up.

fruitbrewhaha · 17/12/2020 13:07

But they didn't all live in the same house, it's a building with two apartments, I'm guessing not in the UK, it's quite popular in some countries. In fact it's not uncommon for these apartments to be used by the grown up children and their families.

She's a bitch. I would keep well away. You can't "apologise" off that kind of behaviour, "oh whoops, sorry, i have marched into your delivery room and am watching you naked having medical intervention and won't leave, for the third time". Some stuff is unforgivable.

Cowgran · 17/12/2020 13:08

No. I would not apologise, would not forget and would not visit until they developed some
insight and apologised.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/12/2020 13:09

I'm surprised so many posters would be ok with their baby going yo spend time with a woman that threw something at her when she was a new born

TBF nobody's suggesting the DD go alone; DH would be there, and he (presumably?) couldn't have known MIL would behave as she did. However he now does know, so I'd expect him to be extra watchful

Of course, if he can't be bothered doing even that, or to watch out for what she's saying to DD as she gets older, then all bets really are off ...

Longdistance · 17/12/2020 13:10

The olive branch I’d be giving her is to whack her around the head with it.
Your husband needs to find his balls.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 17/12/2020 13:10

Book your dh in for a vasectomy
Tell him your dm will take him a dm will be sitting in
..
He is a bloody spineless git. Not sure i would want my dd around such monsters.

june2007 · 17/12/2020 13:10

Can you agree to meet in a mutual place. (SAfer at the moment anyway
)and if you agree to go for a walk somewhere it is less tense as neither of you have to host and may allow for a more relaxed atmosphere.

coffeelover3 · 17/12/2020 13:12

your MIL sounds incredibly narcissitic and it sounds like your dh is still totally under her spell. If I were you I would no way go over there to placate him. IMO it would be good for him to have some therapy or counselling to open his eyes - unless you and him are a team, united as fuck, your MIL will always get her knife in, and try and ruin your relationship. I would stand your ground, and calmly ask him to look at the facts. I dunno OP, I guess you can 'go on' just by avoiding his family - with my ex-H I avoided my in-laws after a row - I actually started to enjoy the 'me-time' as he would take dd over there say on a Sunday afternoon, and I had a few hours to myself which was blissful at the time. I would just tell your dh that you are not stopping him or your daughter seeing them but that you are not willing to put yourself in a vulnerable position. I can see it might cause friction between you, but at some stage he will have to either cut the apron strings, and recognise what your MIL is doing, or I'm afraid it could be the end of things between you. He needs to be on YOUR side. So important for trust. On the other hand - what were you thinking moving in with them even if it was "handy"