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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Get over yourself, "friend"!

260 replies

FriendlyDolphin · 17/12/2020 05:44

In 2021 I'm going to be done with apologising. Somehow I've always felt in the wrong with some of my friends, and maybe I am, but I would actually rather stick with the friends who are on my wave length rather than constantly grovel and apologise to friends who arent.

For the record:

  • I won't be replying to your long, meandering, endless stream of messages about your emotional life STRAIGHT AWAY because I DONT WANT TO. These arent "hi hows it going?" messages. If I feel like I need to take a few weeks to respond then I will.
  • I will be feeling free to cancel. Yes, okay, we made plans to have coffee 2 weeks ago, and now with three days to go it's not convenient anymore. Sorry about that. Until now I've just gone with it because whenever I have cancelled in the past you have sulked. From now on I will be cancelling if it's not convenient anymore. You are completely entitled to find that rude. I personally find it rude to be that uptight - why would you rather someone feel guiltripped into seeing you despite telling you they have work piled up, than postpone? Weird. If someone cancels on me I'm actually secretly received.
  • If i don't feel like being in touch, I won't be. I dont actually owe you check ins or continuous dialoguing. In fact my closest friend, we can go a month without checking in - because we respect one another and figure that the other must have stuff going on and will be in touch when she can catch her breath. It's about trust and security.

Basically, I am not a product - when we became friends you didnt take out a "subscription" to me, with a set number of hours owed. Maybe if you were a little lighter and a little less focused on what YOU "get out" of the friendship you would learn to appreciate people for who they are, and accept their different ways of being rather than try to bend them into your own shape. Which makes them snap. Maybe enjoy people for what they bring and how they make you feel, rather than hold them up to your own ideals constantly.

Basically, in 2021 I will be doing what feels right to me, and I'm sorry if that doesnt work for you

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/12/2020 05:49

And in 2022 you will no longer have this issue ....Hmm

CupoTeap · 17/12/2020 05:55
Grin
KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 17/12/2020 06:31

‘If someone cancels on me I'm actually secretly relieved’

I think this says it all OP! Your approach to the concept of friendship is clearly very different to this persons. Not replying to messages ‘for weeks’ and continually cancelling arranged meetings is not part of a sustainable friendship.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 17/12/2020 06:32

Do what you want but any relationships take work on both parties.

There's cancelling sometimes because you have work piling up and cancelling constantly at short notice because it no longer suits you. People can spot the latter a mile away and it sends a clear message that you think their time is less important than yours.

I understand what you are getting at with your post but the way you have written it sounds rather self involved.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 17/12/2020 06:35

Not replying to messages ‘for weeks’ and continually cancelling arranged meetings is not part of a sustainable friendship.

This. Usually when you like someone you are pleased to hear from them and WANT to reply, and want to see them.

I used to have a "friend" like OP. It didn't last long. People like that usually make the effort for a very tiny number of people they actually value but its often not many.

YukoandHiro · 17/12/2020 06:36

Sounds rather a lot like you'd like to be an acquaintance rather than a friend. Nothing wrong with that - my DH is an introvert and can't be doing with the trappings of friendship. But maybe don't blame the other person because being a friend doesn't suit you. Drives me mad when DH does this, especially when he idly moans that he hasn't got any friends and I've got loads. Yeah, I put in the WORK

ShirleyPhallus · 17/12/2020 06:39

Are you intending on sending her this thread?

Ohtherewearethen · 17/12/2020 06:46

Actually, from the way you have written this it appears that it's you who needs to 'get over yourself'. Why are you writing it as though it is to somebody specific? If just reads like a na-na-na-na-na, so there rant.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 17/12/2020 06:49

You sound delightful.

It is rude to continually cancel arrangements because it's no longer convenient. And not replying to messages for weeks.

Your friend deserves better to be honest.

TheProvincialLady · 17/12/2020 06:52

It comes across like you have really poor choice in friends, or they have.

Elderflower14 · 17/12/2020 06:52

I'm glad you aren't my friend!! 🍪

PolarnOPirate · 17/12/2020 06:57

Hmm. I am glad to read the responses you've got as I thought I was going mad! I agree with the responses. It sounds like you want friendship entirely on your terms.

Mamanyt · 17/12/2020 07:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Seafog · 17/12/2020 07:00

You sound like you don't want to be friends with them, so just end it and be done.
You sound like a bit of a dick

SingANewSongChickenTikka · 17/12/2020 07:02

Wow

queenofknives · 17/12/2020 07:02

Yeah, friends - who needs them? Not you!

OutedByHobby · 17/12/2020 07:04

You sound hard work.

RUTheShitploppeeOrShitplopper · 17/12/2020 07:04

Hmm...Interesting

saraclara · 17/12/2020 07:06

Jeeeze I'm introverted and not one for seeing people much, but even I think that's an incredibly self involved pile of crap. You're far more selfish than the friend that you think is selfish.

She should be grateful when you can be arsed to see her, but shouldn't expect anything of you at all? No matter that she might have put other things off because she's committed to an arrangement with you, you can just let her down, because she doesn't matter, only you do.

I thought i was a rubbish friend sometimes, but seriously...

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 17/12/2020 07:07

Just stop being friends with this person. You clearly dont want to be. Dont drag it out with this type of bullshit and keep whoever it is dangling.

saraclara · 17/12/2020 07:08

Maybe enjoy people for what they bring and how they make you feel, rather than hold them up to your own ideals constantly

The irony.

Yolatengo · 17/12/2020 07:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Livpool · 17/12/2020 07:12

I don't think you will have trouble with your friends next year OP - they will ditch you I imagine. Do you even want friends?!

ivfbeenbusy · 17/12/2020 07:14

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

And in 2022 you will no longer have this issue ....Hmm

🤣🤣🤣

FestiveStuffing · 17/12/2020 07:14

So... Basically you are a flakey loner who is a bit self-involved? No judgement, and I think you're right to own these aspects of your personality and step back from the friendship, but this post sounds a bit accusatory, like you think there's something wrong with your friend, and there really isn't. Her expectations are not unreasonable.