Get over yourself, "friend"!

[FriendlyDolphin]

In 2021 I'm going to be done with apologising. Somehow I've always felt in the wrong with some of my friends, and maybe I am, but I would actually rather stick with the friends who are on my wave length rather than constantly grovel and apologise to friends who arent.

For the record:

• I won't be replying to your long, meandering, endless stream of messages about your emotional life STRAIGHT AWAY because I DONT WANT TO. These arent "hi hows it going?" messages. If I feel like I need to take a few weeks to respond then I will.
• I will be feeling free to cancel. Yes, okay, we made plans to have coffee 2 weeks ago, and now with three days to go it's not convenient anymore. Sorry about that. Until now I've just gone with it because whenever I have cancelled in the past you have sulked. From now on I will be cancelling if it's not convenient anymore. You are completely entitled to find that rude. I personally find it rude to be that uptight - why would you rather someone feel guiltripped into seeing you despite telling you they have work piled up, than postpone? Weird. If someone cancels on me I'm actually secretly received.
• If i don't feel like being in touch, I won't be. I dont actually owe you check ins or continuous dialoguing. In fact my closest friend, we can go a month without checking in - because we respect one another and figure that the other must have stuff going on and will be in touch when she can catch her breath. It's about trust and security.

Basically, I am not a product - when we became friends you didnt take out a "subscription" to me, with a set number of hours owed. Maybe if you were a little lighter and a little less focused on what YOU "get out" of the friendship you would learn to appreciate people for who they are, and accept their different ways of being rather than try to bend them into your own shape. Which makes them snap. Maybe enjoy people for what they bring and how they make you feel, rather than hold them up to your own ideals constantly.

Basically, in 2021 I will be doing what feels right to me, and I'm sorry if that doesnt work for you

She clearly does feel that. So why does she pretend to remain friends with her? That is the question.

OP cannot cure this person's emotional leechiness, so that is not a sensible focus, for us or for her.

She can only decide whether she wants to try to stay friends with her, in some way. I'd suggest an honest 'I don't think we're well matched, this doesn't work for me' discussion. That's their only chance of negotiating a mutually acceptable approach.

I suspect her 'friend' might make the decision for her though.

Well we don't know your friend but it certainly sounds like you don't view her as a friend so much as a burden.

So you might as well be straight up with her instead of using all these tactics - say you feel you've nothing in common now and you'd rather not continue with the friendship. It will hurt her feelings but it will, overall, be less wearing on both of you - and will save her wondering what she's done wrong when you just stop responding.

People who let friendships just peter out without some kind of clue as to why they're want out can cause a great deal of angst for the other person, while they try to work out what they did wrong!

Everyone sometimes has things going on in their lives which make them slow in responding, or require them to cancel arrangements. Friends should accept that. But if you are constantly cancelling at short notice, then that is quite rude, and may for example mean that your friends have avoided making other arrangements because of plans with you, and then you let them down too late for them to make other plans. Rather than acting as though your friends are making unreasonable demands on you by expecting reliability about arrangements, you might make things clear from the beginning: 'At the moment, it seems fine to meet at X time, but I live a life where things can change unpredictably, so I sometimes have to cancel'. Then they are forewarned, and can choose whether to make arrangements with you, or not.

@lottiegarbanzo

She clearly does feel that. So why does she pretend to remain friends with her? That is the question.

OP cannot cure this person's emotional leechiness, so that is not a sensible focus, for us or for her.

She can only decide whether she wants to try to stay friends with her, in some way. I'd suggest an honest 'I don't think we're well matched, this doesn't work for me' discussion. That's their only chance of negotiating a mutually acceptable approach.

I suspect her 'friend' might make the decision for her though.

I agree.

Julie is that you

This has been a really tough year for lots of people and friends have been vital. You don’t sound very sympathetic OP. I guess if that’s your way, fair enough, but you should probably tell your ‘friends’ how you feel so they can move on and they can stop prioritising this friendship.

People who let friendships just peter out without some kind of clue as to why they're want out can cause a great deal of angst for the other person, while they try to work out what they did wrong!

This is so true. I had what I thought were good friendship group and about 6 years ago several of us were suddenly dropped. It really hurt.
(Turns out the group had secretly got really into cocaine, and the rest of us weren’t drug takers, but we didn’t find that out for several years)

Fair enough as long as you're willing to be treated the same. If i recieved that message from a friend then months later she wanted emotional support I'd tell her to piss to off. Cutting off emotionally draining people is fine but the rest of your rant makes you sound like an entitled twat

You sound absolutely lovely, OP, can we be BFFs?

Why would anyone want to be friends with you?

Ok, so I think you are getting negative replies because your second post gives an entirely different impression to your post. Sounds like this friend is very needy, and its very one-sided. Used to be known as leeches (?) in counselling terms, because they take all your emotional energy, and give very little back. I think I too would be at least stepping back from something very draining like this, where the 'friend' doesn't seem to understand the reciprocal nature of friendships. Sounds like you are more a pissed-off dolphin, than a friendly one.

In 2022 you will have no friends. If you are ok with that fine. I hate people cancelling if a day and time are arranged.

Why don’t you do yourself a massive favour and just drop the friendships entirely? You clearly don’t like these people very much so I’m not sure why you’re still allowing them to think otherwise. It’s quite cruel really, that you’re allowing them to open up to you about their problems when you clearly don’t care.

@Nowaynothappening

Why don’t you do yourself a massive favour and just drop the friendships entirely? You clearly don’t like these people very much so I’m not sure why you’re still allowing them to think otherwise. It’s quite cruel really, that you’re allowing them to open up to you about their problems when you clearly don’t care.

Let’s not get carried away. You are devaluing the word “cruel”.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

From what you've said here, you ARE uncaring, flaky and frankly not a good or kind person. But on the bright side, this time next year you won't have this problem because you will have run out of friends.

Hopefully one day you will be the person struggling with depression and loneliness and your 'best friend' will take weeks to reply to you and then you will know how you made others feel.

From what you've said here, you ARE uncaring, flaky and frankly not a good or kind person.

Did you know that personal attacks of this sort are not permitted?

I don't think 'friend' means what you think it means...!

@Funkyfriends what do you mean re Caroline Flack? I know she died by suicide but I'm not sure what her friends had to do with it?

I'm with you op. I think some of these posters haven't encountered the type of 'friend' you have encountered. I have. If someone is draining you, making everything on their terms and emotionally manipulating you it is very important to set boundaries like this.. if you even want to continue with the friendship. You don't owe anyone friendship op and sometimes people get taken for a complete ride by being kind.

If someone cancels on me I'm actually secretly received.

yup yup yup. its like extreme sports...i get more nervous the closer to the time it gets and then a huge adrenaline rush and feel amazing when they cancel and i have "extra free" time. its like a snow day off school .

I too feel relieved when people cancel on me..even people I love and was genuinely looking forward to seeing. Because I'm introverted and anxious. I do enjoy seeing people but I really enjoy being alone.. its not some kind of insult to people. Id just be happy I got the extra time alone.

why would you rather someone feel guiltripped into seeing you despite telling you they have work piled up, than postpone?

How about you just don't make plans with someone in the first place... then you don't need to cancel or see them out of guilt!

I'm all for ending toxic friendships or those you've simply grown apart from but if this is directed at lots of your friends then that sounds like an issue. If it's just one or two self centred friends then fair enough.

Is that you, Myra?

If you haven't told your friend how you feel, may I suggest posting this on Facebook instead? I always find it far more constructive and you'll get loads of messages asking if you're ok.