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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Get over yourself, "friend"!

260 replies

FriendlyDolphin · 17/12/2020 05:44

In 2021 I'm going to be done with apologising. Somehow I've always felt in the wrong with some of my friends, and maybe I am, but I would actually rather stick with the friends who are on my wave length rather than constantly grovel and apologise to friends who arent.

For the record:

  • I won't be replying to your long, meandering, endless stream of messages about your emotional life STRAIGHT AWAY because I DONT WANT TO. These arent "hi hows it going?" messages. If I feel like I need to take a few weeks to respond then I will.
  • I will be feeling free to cancel. Yes, okay, we made plans to have coffee 2 weeks ago, and now with three days to go it's not convenient anymore. Sorry about that. Until now I've just gone with it because whenever I have cancelled in the past you have sulked. From now on I will be cancelling if it's not convenient anymore. You are completely entitled to find that rude. I personally find it rude to be that uptight - why would you rather someone feel guiltripped into seeing you despite telling you they have work piled up, than postpone? Weird. If someone cancels on me I'm actually secretly received.
  • If i don't feel like being in touch, I won't be. I dont actually owe you check ins or continuous dialoguing. In fact my closest friend, we can go a month without checking in - because we respect one another and figure that the other must have stuff going on and will be in touch when she can catch her breath. It's about trust and security.

Basically, I am not a product - when we became friends you didnt take out a "subscription" to me, with a set number of hours owed. Maybe if you were a little lighter and a little less focused on what YOU "get out" of the friendship you would learn to appreciate people for who they are, and accept their different ways of being rather than try to bend them into your own shape. Which makes them snap. Maybe enjoy people for what they bring and how they make you feel, rather than hold them up to your own ideals constantly.

Basically, in 2021 I will be doing what feels right to me, and I'm sorry if that doesnt work for you

OP posts:
DumplingsAndStew · 17/12/2020 08:32

Is this one friend or multiple?

queenofknives · 17/12/2020 08:36

It sounds like you sometimes do want to meet people but you never ever want to be emotionally supportive or engage in any conversation which is not wholly engaging for you.

This. You don't have to have friends if you don't want them! In fact, it's probably better to keep yourself to yourself. Maybe work on your own shortcomings and consider what you do actually feel able to contribute to a friendship. If that's nothing much, then fine. Don't blame other people though - it's your decision.

NeonSparkle · 17/12/2020 08:40

With that approach you won’t have many friends left by next year so you won’t have that problem Grin
I can kind of see where you are coming from, I’m a very low maintenance friend but there is still a level of respect you need to bring to a friendship - not texting back straight away in my opinion is not a big deal at all. However cancelling plans at the last minute shows that you think your time is more valuable than mine and is just flakey.

TheWoodFromTheTrees · 17/12/2020 08:43

I think the OP has deep seated selfish issues. Friendship is a form of commitment. If you want to be alone in life then yes continue as you see fit. To each his own.

Meowchickameowmeow · 17/12/2020 08:46

What's the point of writing that here? Tell the person it's intended for to their face.

Serendipity26 · 17/12/2020 08:47

Glad you aren’t my friend.

Butchyrestingface · 17/12/2020 08:47

Come on OP, tell us your reaction to these comments?

Nothing. She's soliloquising. Hamlet did it better.

Tzimi · 17/12/2020 08:49

@FriendlyDolphin I hate it when people don't reply to my messages for weeks! I can tell that they've read them, as the messaging app tells you this. I always try to reply to people's messages asap, even if it's just a brief response with a promise to get back to them a bit later with a longer one. I just think back to the last time I was desperate to talk to someone. Re cancelling meetings, I know it's a problem when people arrange them weeks in advance, as urgent things have a habit of cropping up to spoil your plans while you're waiting. I prefer to arrange meetings (when possible) on the spur of the moment, it makes it more fun that way...

Echobelly · 17/12/2020 08:54

Uhm, I got pretty sick of friends who cancelled on me at the last minute because it wasn't 'convenient' - when someone does me the kindess of inviting me to meet, I make sure I arrange things so I can go to whatever arrangement they made with me.

Just break it off with this person seeing as you evidently don't like their company and they are finding your unsurprising lack of commitment annoying.

Poppingnostopping · 17/12/2020 08:56

Having read your response, I agree with you. You aren't a support/dumping ground, and if there's no turn taking, and no consideration of your needs this isn't a good friendship. I think it's fine to let people go if they need more than you can give,.

I wouldn't have time for some of these mumsnet friendships, sometimes I forget to reply to a text, sometimes I have to cancel (but rarely), I often don't speak with friends for weeks in the middle of term, but they are in the same position so they don't mind. Despite all this we have fun, we go out, we chat, and we know we are friends. I hate all this obligation and morality that hangs over friendships- friendships are fundamentally a choice, so you can choose differently at any time without obligation, you didnt' make a vow lol!

Mrbob · 17/12/2020 08:57

I would be really pissed off if we had plans and you cancelled just before because you had something better to do. I have probably said no to things to come for coffee with you. That is disrespectful.

And no you don’t have to text every day but if I haven’t heard from you for a month and I text then yes I do think it would be nice to get a response

You sound like a dick

stillcantremembermyusername · 17/12/2020 08:59

OP can you not see how bonkers this is? You have spent all the time and emotional energy writing out your posts here even though you are so incredibly busy. You say the other person emotional dumps on you, and that you think they are wrong for doing it, and you then you go ahead and emotionally dump on thousands of readers on MN!

So, this is what needs to happen. You need to talk to someone in real life about your feelings about this person, a counsellor, and see if you can unravel what has happened between you and work out a strategy for making sure it doesn't happen again, and how to communicate your boundaries to this person while still being genuinely respectful and courteous to them.

What you are doing now is basically wasting their time, and it is to do with your own problems at managing relationships and friendships whether you want to hear that or not - it sounds like you need to be more honest with yourself and others.

Poppingnostopping · 17/12/2020 08:59

I think letting someone know on a Mon you can't make a Thur night but would love to do the following Thurs is absolutely fine. Many of my friends travel internationally (normally) and so they might get back and be exhausted, or ill or anything, this isn't some type of a sin! If they cancel twice or more, that's rude.

Livelovebehappy · 17/12/2020 09:01

Follow your new rules. But don’t be surprised if your friendships fizzle out. If your friends look at it the same way as you, then fine, but most will think you don’t value the friendship, and only want it on your terms.

mopphead · 17/12/2020 09:01

Not responding for weeks and cancelling at short notice is rude and does make you a bad friend. That's fine if you are happy to no longer have a friendship with this person. I would not carry on a friendship where I clearly was more invested than the other person, or at least would take a big step back.

Tal45 · 17/12/2020 09:02

Friendships like any relationship require effort from both sides. You can't just be friends when it's convenient to you or you want something. I'm not sure you understand the concept of friendship if that is what you believe. If you don't want friends then that's fine, I don't think there's anything wrong in not being a sociable, gregarious, extrovert - that is just societies expectation. Living with someone with asd certainly taught me a lot about what society expects and how those that don't conform really struggle or are constantly judged. Being perfectly happy to be on your own most of the time and not having any close friends just does not seem to be acceptable.

stillcantremembermyusername · 17/12/2020 09:04

@Poppingnostopping

I think letting someone know on a Mon you can't make a Thur night but would love to do the following Thurs is absolutely fine. Many of my friends travel internationally (normally) and so they might get back and be exhausted, or ill or anything, this isn't some type of a sin! If they cancel twice or more, that's rude.
I think that you are right, between friends, but this is obviously not a friendship and there appears to be a pattern of more cancelling than rearranging going on. For the OP to dump on here about it rather than sort it out with the person involved is a bit obnoxious, I think.
SchrodingersImmigrant · 17/12/2020 09:12

God I had both of these.
The extremely negative one who honestly just went on and on and never had time for me as me if I needed to talk.
And the oh so important one who cancelled last minute, or at least hinted enough a day before taht I asked if she wants to cancel. And took week+ to reply to message. I simply didn't bother after few times. If it takes someone a week to reply to me, I take it as they don't care.

You are both stupid

Poppingnostopping · 17/12/2020 09:15

I don't think it's obnoxious to post on an anonymous forum about your pain in the butt friend or your annoying MIL or whatever, but it is a bit of a waste of energy, as another poster said.

The OP needs to find a way to communicate what she can give to her friend, or get rid of her as a friend. So- I'm going to be busy this month, would you like to meet up second week in Feb? Same with 5 page personal reflections- these are not appropriate in a friendship, so I'd just say I'm going to have limited time this month, it might just have to be a quick text back I'm afraid. Make a plan of what you think normal contact should be and stick to it. That sounds ridiculous in the context of a normal friendship, but this one sounds like it has gone wrong and the Op sounds like she doesn't have a good way of either making or putting boundaries on friendships...and 2021 needs to be the year she learns!

VettiyaIruken · 17/12/2020 09:23

If you dislike them so much it would be far better to just end the friendship.

Your plan will ultimately end any friendship anyway but it'll take longer and there'll be far much more drama 🤷‍♀️

Guts · 17/12/2020 09:28

If you don’t want to continue a friendship then end it.

I’m not sure why you need to write such a stress filled, dramatic and angry post.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Smallsteps88 · 17/12/2020 09:29

Who on earth would you be friends with people you clearly don’t like? Confused

Smallsteps88 · 17/12/2020 09:29

why

stillcantremembermyusername · 17/12/2020 09:31

popping MILs are thrust upon you though. Friendships are of our own making.

Bloodypugs · 17/12/2020 09:33

So basically in 2021 you’re planning on becoming a bit of a twat?