Get over yourself, "friend"!

[FriendlyDolphin]

In 2021 I'm going to be done with apologising. Somehow I've always felt in the wrong with some of my friends, and maybe I am, but I would actually rather stick with the friends who are on my wave length rather than constantly grovel and apologise to friends who arent.

For the record:

• I won't be replying to your long, meandering, endless stream of messages about your emotional life STRAIGHT AWAY because I DONT WANT TO. These arent "hi hows it going?" messages. If I feel like I need to take a few weeks to respond then I will.
• I will be feeling free to cancel. Yes, okay, we made plans to have coffee 2 weeks ago, and now with three days to go it's not convenient anymore. Sorry about that. Until now I've just gone with it because whenever I have cancelled in the past you have sulked. From now on I will be cancelling if it's not convenient anymore. You are completely entitled to find that rude. I personally find it rude to be that uptight - why would you rather someone feel guiltripped into seeing you despite telling you they have work piled up, than postpone? Weird. If someone cancels on me I'm actually secretly received.
• If i don't feel like being in touch, I won't be. I dont actually owe you check ins or continuous dialoguing. In fact my closest friend, we can go a month without checking in - because we respect one another and figure that the other must have stuff going on and will be in touch when she can catch her breath. It's about trust and security.

Basically, I am not a product - when we became friends you didnt take out a "subscription" to me, with a set number of hours owed. Maybe if you were a little lighter and a little less focused on what YOU "get out" of the friendship you would learn to appreciate people for who they are, and accept their different ways of being rather than try to bend them into your own shape. Which makes them snap. Maybe enjoy people for what they bring and how they make you feel, rather than hold them up to your own ideals constantly.

Basically, in 2021 I will be doing what feels right to me, and I'm sorry if that doesnt work for you

You sound like hard work. Your “friends” (and I don’t think you know what a real friend is) will probably be relieved to see the back of you.

Those examples you gave are a terrible way to treat a friend. You are no friend to them and they will undoubtedly be better off without you in their lives but what about you? Are you ok not having friends?

I understand where you're coming from in many ways but I think you will miss your friends when you have hardly any left.

Friendship takes work in adulthood. If you feel the way you feel, that's ok but you seem to have quite a bitchy perspective about it. I'd feel so hurt if I was a friend of yours and found out you felt that way about me.

Hmmm. Sounds like you are better off out of the friendship than trying to run it all on your terms. They generally don’t work that way. It should be give and take and mutual respect, it appears as if none of that is happening.

Your friendship has ended, why not just admit it and have the decency to tell them.

I think the friendship has changed course....

Friendships are very like relationships, you either grow together or it all goes up in flames.

My best friend and I have changed so so much in the last 10 years. I’ve settled down, married, hubby, country house, baby and another on the way. She’s living her best life in the city, single Pringle, glamorous meals/nights out (covid aside).

We just don’t judge each other! Lots of our other friends have dropped away as tried to inflict their life choices on others. We just support each other. It’s 5am and we chat on Facebook messenger, she’s just rolled in from a night met a new guy...etc and I’m watching my second hour of hey duggee... it’s all good!

Are you talking to your alter-ego in the mirror.
You sound positively loopy.
Ring them, don't ring them, I'm sure it's no loss either way.

@Yolatengo

I understand how you feel, though I admit I am glad to read the replies as I am often made to feel needy for wanting closer friendships. I get upset when people take weeks to reply and don't contact me first, and who only have time to meet once a year, I get lonely and desire closer friendships. I agree that friendship is a 2-way thing. You are entitled to feel however you like, but they are also entitled to want more from the friendship.

Me too exactly!

I used to have a friend a bit like this. She would cancel coffee dates, etc the majority of the time. In fact she wouldn’t even cancel, I’d be waiting thinking she was running late and I’d ring her up and she’d decided to go to work instead, not told me. More than once. I can understand things coming up occasionally. But give notice. And also realise when you cancel the other person may well be inconvenienced by that. So if I have work piling up, I’ll work late to make sure I can still have the morning off as planned. Then if someone cancels I’ve worked late for nothing. It’s annoying. I don’t like letting people down and it does feel rude when people don’t afford me the same courtesy (emergencies excepted).

So yes, I no longer meet up with that person, haven’t spoken to her in years. Sounds like that’s what you want though?

Ironic username dude

It sounds like you don't actually like this person very much at all and don't want to be friends with them. But instead of admitting that, you are trying to put the blame on them and suggest that it's their fault, they're not good enough for you, they've done all these things wrong and made you angry. Do you habitually project your flaws onto others? I would suggest you gently break away from this person as I can't imagine your friendship is anything other than toxic for them.

@IndecentFeminist

Ironic username dude

Yeah Flipper she ain't.

Jeez, if you don’t want to be friends with them just tell them.

It is rude to not reply to messages until after 2 weeks and continually cancel meet ups. Friends like to chat and see each other, that's the whole point of friendship.

I'm surprised that you have any friends, but after your proposed treatment of them you might find you have less. I think the meaning of friendship has bypassed you somehow.

You sound very intense and over the top!

Reverse?

It sounds like you don't actually like this person very much at all and don't want to be friends with them. But instead of admitting that, you are trying to put the blame on them and suggest that it's their fault, they're not good enough for you, they've done all these things wrong and made you angry.

This for me too. Some people are good at the “engaging with long emotional messages” thing, some aren’t. Some people want to check in very frequently and keep up with the minutiae of others’ days, others don’t. Some are easy-going about cancellations and changes in plans, others aren’t. There’s a wide spectrum of acceptable behaviour, the issue is whether you’re a good match in that way. And it’s (usually) not a slight if it isn’t and you drift apart. It’s not a failure.

What?! Is this a reverse?

It sounds like you have more on your plate than you are comfortable with. Seeing friends shouldnt feel too much like a chore or a burden. I think your friend sounds like they want a bestie and you want to be more casual.

Its fine to reevaluate friendships and decide to step back sometimes

I don’t think what you say is totally unreasonable...but it’s the way you say it. Just stop being friends because that rant sounds like you hate them.

It’s fine to be very busy and unavailable. I have some friends who do not work and are very needy expecting me ‘on-call and responsive’ to their messages. Their lives are very different to mine. I just respond when I can and don’t resent them for it. If it’s not meeting their needs of a friendship I’m ok with them finding other friends. Otherwise I enjoy the times we do interact and value them.

I might print this and put it on my fridge. Good for you OP - some ‘friends‘ absolutely are emotional leeches

Love it! Stick to your boundaries! Ignore the people who are acting like your high maintaince. I suspect it's your frustration they're hearing and responding to.
Stick to those friends who are respectful of you...