Get over yourself, "friend"!

[FriendlyDolphin]

In 2021 I'm going to be done with apologising. Somehow I've always felt in the wrong with some of my friends, and maybe I am, but I would actually rather stick with the friends who are on my wave length rather than constantly grovel and apologise to friends who arent.

For the record:

• I won't be replying to your long, meandering, endless stream of messages about your emotional life STRAIGHT AWAY because I DONT WANT TO. These arent "hi hows it going?" messages. If I feel like I need to take a few weeks to respond then I will.
• I will be feeling free to cancel. Yes, okay, we made plans to have coffee 2 weeks ago, and now with three days to go it's not convenient anymore. Sorry about that. Until now I've just gone with it because whenever I have cancelled in the past you have sulked. From now on I will be cancelling if it's not convenient anymore. You are completely entitled to find that rude. I personally find it rude to be that uptight - why would you rather someone feel guiltripped into seeing you despite telling you they have work piled up, than postpone? Weird. If someone cancels on me I'm actually secretly received.
• If i don't feel like being in touch, I won't be. I dont actually owe you check ins or continuous dialoguing. In fact my closest friend, we can go a month without checking in - because we respect one another and figure that the other must have stuff going on and will be in touch when she can catch her breath. It's about trust and security.

Basically, I am not a product - when we became friends you didnt take out a "subscription" to me, with a set number of hours owed. Maybe if you were a little lighter and a little less focused on what YOU "get out" of the friendship you would learn to appreciate people for who they are, and accept their different ways of being rather than try to bend them into your own shape. Which makes them snap. Maybe enjoy people for what they bring and how they make you feel, rather than hold them up to your own ideals constantly.

Basically, in 2021 I will be doing what feels right to me, and I'm sorry if that doesnt work for you

I think you have misunderstood the definition of friend. You seem selfish and self-centred.

Glad you're not my friend!

You sound "delightful", OP. Not toxic at all lol... Just make your friend a favour and stop communicating with them. They don't need you. Nobody needs a "friend" who takes weeks to reply "just because they don't fancy it", cancelling on them and getting angry of the upset it causes and doesn't want to do any effort. Seriously OP, get a grip and don't you even think of contacting your "friend" when you feel sad and need support. Maybe it will take weeks or months to reply.

You sound like hard work. I hope your friend dumps you and spends on time on someone who actually likes her.

You come across as very hostile. I couldn't be friend with someone with such negative emotions about our friendship. It would put me on edge constantly wondering in my texts, my words, my invitations were causing aggrevation.

It was never true friendship in the first place if it causes such stress.

My cousin is like you. Then she gets depressed as she has no friends/support .

@Justtryingtobehelpful

Love it! Stick to your boundaries! Ignore the people who are acting like your high maintaince. I suspect it's your frustration they're hearing and responding to. Stick to those friends who are respectful of you...

...while not respecting her friends? Because constantly cancelling is far from respectful.

It's not high maintenance to expect people to keep to arrangements, outside of emergencies.

Long meandering messages eh?

Everyone has to cancel sometimes and can’t always reply immediately. That’s fine. But it sounds like you want carte blanche to ignore and flake on this friend who seems to have perfectly reasonable expectations that you’d set aside time to listen to and see them.

I totally disagree that friends are not owed your time and effort - isn’t one of the unspoken agreements of friendship that you want to put yourself out for each other because you care? It shouldn’t feel like an imposition.

Having boundaries is fine and healthy, but you sound like you want dictatorships (with you in charge), not friendships. You’ll end up very sad and alone if you carry on like that.

Did a former friend send that to you, @FriendlyDolphin?

Thoughts and prayers.

You are sounding at the end of your tether.

It sounds to me like you don’t want some of your friendships anymore. That is actually ok and there are different ways to end relationships of any sort. An actual break up with explaining why, letting things gradually decline such as not replying to a msg for a while or ghosting. Depending on the people involved will change significantly how they feel about the different endings of relationships.

I am pulling away from a friend as gently as possible. I don’t actively dislike her but realise that she only ever contacts me when she wants something and never at other times.

Yes, okay, we made plans to have coffee 2 weeks ago, and now with three days to go it's not convenient anymore. Sorry about that. Until now I've just gone with it because whenever I have cancelled in the past you have sulked.

Yes, okay, I’m pissed off with you cancelling because eleven days ago I made plans to have coffee with you and since then I’ve kept that couple of hours free despite having other things come up which I’ve refused because we were planning to meet. Added to which I was looking forward to meeting up with you for a catch up, and feel pretty rejected that you’ve yet again cancelled on me.

Are you hangry OP?

I don’t blame you OP. Some people can be emotional leeches and make you feel awful for not replying on the spot to their rather pointless messages bleeting on repeat about the same damn thing everyday and taking no drive to change things it is draining. I wouldn’t shut everyone off but if someone is making you feel anxious or stressed, sometimes you need to pull the plug.

Awww, aren't you lovely. Can't understand for a second why you struggle to maintain friendships.

Ah the narc new years resolution list is up. I'd add spending less time helping the "needy" and reduce charity donations.

Well it sounds like you don't like this person much. Why are you even friends?

I think it's fine to realise a friendship isn't working out for you. But make no mistake, this isn't a nice friendship anyway, she's pouring stuff out without thought or looking for an appropriate response, and you're fed up and don't like her very much. Just move on, and stick with people who are more on your wavelength!

I have friends I contact quite infrequently, but we have a long history, I have friends who I contact once a week or more, but in all cases I actively want to see the person and would only cancel if literally I couldn't begin to attend, reschedule for a few days time is fine, but I really look forward to time with my friends so I rarely do. At the moment, I'm tramping around going for walks and sitting in their gardens! If that's not for you, don't do it!

@RaspberryCoulis
I don't struggle to maintain friendships at all, which is why I can afford to leave behind the friends who basically use you as an emotional pump. Three-page monologues on how they've changed as a person, and then when three days later I havent replied, a: "Are you okay? I'm worried about you".

Or the ones where Every. Single. Conversation. is about how they've been hard done by in life and they need to work on freeing themselves from toxicity.

Or the ones who do that in person, and so yeah, when I've had a long week at work, I will cancel, because I know our five-hour meet up isnt actually going to be having quality time together, it's going to be about them complaining about their lives while I try and build them up, rinse and repeat.

Or the one who calls and who literally (I know this because I once checked the clock before and after to see) spent 30 MINUTES telling me about a negative customer service experience they had, and whenever I tried to change the conversation she said "wait wait ie nearly finished but hang on". It took an entire 3p minutes for her to say "how are you by the way?". And then shes surprised it takes me a fortnight to call her back?

Its frankly tiring, but I could just about roll with it, if I wasnt then made to feel like a bad person for taking too long to respond, or not having the energy to respond. I'm then painted as uncaring, or flaky, when actually I'm very present and responsive with the friends who are flexible, non self centred, and positive sometimes as well as talking about difficulties.

Why cant you just live and let live and try and bring positivity to a friendship as well. Stop putting demands on my time - nobody owes you their ear.

If someone cancels on me I'm actually secretly relieved

This says a lot about you OP. Do people cancel on you a great deal? Do you like seeing people at all?

I can see you are really brimming over with the Christmas spirit! have a good one .

Personally I would find it a compliment that someone felt that they could open up to me about the issues they were having.

A friend of Caroline Flack’s had the same idea as you, look how that ended.

It sounds like you sometimes do want to meet people but you never ever want to be emotionally supportive or engage in any conversation which is not wholly engaging for you. In that case I’d think maybe it’s best to join a club so you can get that social contact on your terms. I don’t think you are cut out for real friends or supporting others. It’s really self centred btw to cancel plans for flimsy reasons but easily solved by not making any.

Reverse!!!!

Come on OP, tell us your reaction to these comments?

You can tell some of those emotional leeches are on this post can’t you. 🤣 Ignore the flakey etc comments, you do you OP. Fuck everyone else.