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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Get over yourself, "friend"!

260 replies

FriendlyDolphin · 17/12/2020 05:44

In 2021 I'm going to be done with apologising. Somehow I've always felt in the wrong with some of my friends, and maybe I am, but I would actually rather stick with the friends who are on my wave length rather than constantly grovel and apologise to friends who arent.

For the record:

  • I won't be replying to your long, meandering, endless stream of messages about your emotional life STRAIGHT AWAY because I DONT WANT TO. These arent "hi hows it going?" messages. If I feel like I need to take a few weeks to respond then I will.
  • I will be feeling free to cancel. Yes, okay, we made plans to have coffee 2 weeks ago, and now with three days to go it's not convenient anymore. Sorry about that. Until now I've just gone with it because whenever I have cancelled in the past you have sulked. From now on I will be cancelling if it's not convenient anymore. You are completely entitled to find that rude. I personally find it rude to be that uptight - why would you rather someone feel guiltripped into seeing you despite telling you they have work piled up, than postpone? Weird. If someone cancels on me I'm actually secretly received.
  • If i don't feel like being in touch, I won't be. I dont actually owe you check ins or continuous dialoguing. In fact my closest friend, we can go a month without checking in - because we respect one another and figure that the other must have stuff going on and will be in touch when she can catch her breath. It's about trust and security.

Basically, I am not a product - when we became friends you didnt take out a "subscription" to me, with a set number of hours owed. Maybe if you were a little lighter and a little less focused on what YOU "get out" of the friendship you would learn to appreciate people for who they are, and accept their different ways of being rather than try to bend them into your own shape. Which makes them snap. Maybe enjoy people for what they bring and how they make you feel, rather than hold them up to your own ideals constantly.

Basically, in 2021 I will be doing what feels right to me, and I'm sorry if that doesnt work for you

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 17/12/2020 09:34

I don't think you will have these problems for long OP.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 17/12/2020 09:40

OK at first glance you do come across like a giant knob. Of course people are going to be annoyed if you have plans then back out at the last minute because it's no longer convenient (they may have turned down other plans because they were seeing you). Likewise you don't have to reply to messages instantly but why wait weeks?

Thinking more carefully though are you a people pleaser? I used to have a habbit of agreeing to things or even offering things I really didn't want to do then later resenting the person for the commitment (when in reality it was my fault for accepting it in the first place). I would keep people in my life despite knowing they were a bit selfish and demanding then feel irritated everytime they acted selfish and demanding - despite knowing that was how they always behave.

Maybe in the new year think more carefully about boundaries. If you have 'friends' who actually you don't really like, then drop them from your life. Think carefully before accepting invitations. Then when you have committed to something even if at the last minute you're tired and would prefer to stay at home try and throw yourself into it anyway. If you have a friend you've decided to keep in your life because they're important to you accept that sometimes friendship involves a bit of work - like replying to rammbling messages when someone's having a hard time.

Calmandmeasured1 · 17/12/2020 09:44

Blimey. You think it's the others who are uptight? 😂

Calmandmeasured1 · 17/12/2020 09:47

Interesting first post.

Inappropriate username.

JavaQ · 17/12/2020 09:48

@Letsallscreamatthesistene

Just stop being friends with this person. You clearly dont want to be. Dont drag it out with this type of bullshit and keep whoever it is dangling.
I hope it works out for you OP. You sound exhausted. It is hard to take on someone else's mental/emotional burdens when one is worn out oneself. If that is the case, then you will be able to express that kindly to a true friend.
thegrassisgreenwhereyouwaterit · 17/12/2020 09:48

I’m surprised you have any friends with an attitude like that.

Butchyrestingface · 17/12/2020 09:54

Interesting first post.

Inappropriate username.

Did you find the other 2 year old thread on "friendly dolphins" when you AS that name?

Xmas Grin Xmas Grin Xmas Grin

lottiegarbanzo · 17/12/2020 09:56

why would you rather someone feel guiltripped into seeing you despite telling you they have work piled up, than postpone? Weird. If someone cancels on me I'm actually secretly received.

Most people would like their friends to prioritise meeting them, over yet more work, because most people look forward to seeing their friends, so likewise, hope for their meet-up to be valued and prioritised.

You don't want this person as your friend at all. You don't want to see her. You don't like her much. So be honest and admit that, to yourself at least. (Maybe she is a bit of a needy nightmare, maybe not, it doesn't matter. The point is that you are no friend to her because you don't want to be, so stop pretending).

Generally, your relief at being cancelled on says it all and is how you are - unsociable. It's not weird for people to be sociable and to look forward to seeing people.

You want to be a bit of a hermit who is only friends with very self-contained, 'light touch' people? Ok then, do that. Just be more honest with people from the start and stop leading on people who clearly want more.

VenusTiger · 17/12/2020 10:01

This thread just highlights different personalities, which is fine. Do as you do OP, there's no need to belittle others for doing as they do in the process.

Candyfloss99 · 17/12/2020 10:01

Well you sound like a horrible friend so I am sure it's no-one's loss.

ToffeeNotCoffee · 17/12/2020 10:03

Maybe enjoy people for what they bring and how they make you feel, rather than hold them up to your own ideals constantly.

That's what ended many of my friendships in the past. The friends I have now have been friends for years because I respect our differences.

I guess I'm just fond of them - end of story. They seem to be fond of me too. Our shared history strengthens us not drags us down. A lot of past friendships have either died on the hill of one upmanship i.e. got competitive or disappeared into the silence.

The friends I've got have been patient with me over the years, that's why they are still around and still friends !

canonlydoblue · 17/12/2020 10:07

I'm not sure you really grasp the meaning of friendship OP....

unmarkedbythat · 17/12/2020 10:12

Maybe if you were a little lighter and a little less focused on what YOU "get out" of the friendship you would learn to appreciate people for who they are, and accept their different ways of being rather than try to bend them into your own shape.

…

actually I'm very present and responsive with the friends who are flexible, non self centred, and positive sometimes as well as talking about difficulties.

Right.

EddieBananas · 17/12/2020 10:19

Err.... okay.....

Arranging something weeks in advance and then cancelling a few days before is one of the reasons I got rid of one friend. She did it every.single.time. It completely got my goat.

Each to their own.

onlythepianoplayer · 17/12/2020 10:32

A friend of Caroline Flack’s had the same idea as you, look how that ended

that is so manipulative Hmm

Yolatengo · 17/12/2020 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RUTheShitploppeeOrShitplopper · 17/12/2020 10:37

You both have different friendship needs. That's okay.

However, there's a difference between not replying someone immediately and often taking weeks/months to reply.

The former says you're busy/not tied to your phone/you'll reply when you can (Nowt wrong with that), the latter says you can't be arsed. How can you tell it's the latter? You're usually (spotted) online (by the ignored friend), replying others in those weeks it takes you to reply the not-so-important friend.

If you don't have time for someone, it's okay but nothing's wrong with them. Just don't string them along.

Stop making plans when you know you have a tendency to cancel...just ask to play it by ear. Value people's time.

I enjoyed reading your long, meandering, emotional posts. Some people do you know?

Your friend needs to find those who appreciate her type of friendship (and you, keep those who do yours). Oh and there's nothing wrong with her asking you if you're okay when you haven't replied for weeks. That doesn't sound like someone demanding your time. Better than throwing a tantrum, I'd think.

Janegrey333 · 17/12/2020 10:44

I think some people are being deliberately obtuse. The OP clearly feels this person is an emotional leech.

thepeopleversuswork · 17/12/2020 10:44

OK so the OP has had a lot of flack on here and some of it is well deserved: OP you do come across as very intolerant and self-centred and some of what you are refusing to do is the basic underpinnings of friendship: you can't repeatedly blow people out and not reply to them and not expect some blowback. That just isn't how it works.

And yet, I can sort of see what you mean when you say you're not a product to which people take out a subscription. Some people do expect a ridiculous level of "maintenance" out of friendships almost as if they are paying for your attention. I have friends like this who get the hump when I can't clear my schedule for an hour-long phonecall at the drop of the hat and its not reasonable.

It does sound as if you are a people pleaser who has not developed the knack of saying no to people without being aggressive.

Can I suggest that what you might want to do is think about holding your ground when people push you but without being so grumpy about it? ie learn to say no assertively when the offer first comes up rather than working yourself up into a lather and then dropping the person with no notice?

goldielockdown2 · 17/12/2020 10:45

You're a very important person aren't you

Janegrey333 · 17/12/2020 10:46

People who behave as the OP’s friend does, are basically a drain on another person. It’s all me, me - and me. Tedious.

SlothWithACloth · 17/12/2020 10:48

I think there’s a halfway between what’s going now and where you want to be according to your post.
It’s fine to not reply to messages straight away or check in constantly.
You don’t need to be at someone’s beck and call.
But, if you do want a friendship, then check ins from time to time are great. Cancelling plans at the last minute is not ok, unless something else really needs to take priority.
Be a decent person. If you don’t want a friendship with them, then just make it clear straight away rather than leaving them to guess or realise half way through the year.

Rabblemum · 17/12/2020 10:49

Maybe you don't want friends, that's fine, we're don't all need the same things.

I became isolated for various reasons and ended up with no friends. I'm can be overly independent and I value time to myself, I also have attachment issues (and a patient partner, he needs to be).

I bumped into an old college friend who has lots of them, she knows everyone she went to school with and meets with them all the time. Her family are very close too and she carries that into her friendships.

I made myself meet her once a week, sometimes she drives me mad.
I decided to keep meeting my friend because I realized I am a little messed up and intolerant, it's not my fault but if I want a good life with friends and a partner I needed to sort this out so I've worked on my social skills, reliability and started to open up.

Yes friendship can feel one way, you can feel like an unpaid therapist, hell, can be other people but remember it's two way. Look at your own faults in a kindly way, look at your childhood, laugh at yourself and try to see friendship and a 2 way support system.

If you want friends think through coffee dates before you say yes, open up too, allow people not to be perfect. If you don't want friends, slowly drop them, you may be happy without them.

RUTheShitploppeeOrShitplopper · 17/12/2020 10:52

@Janegrey333

I think some people are being deliberately obtuse. The OP clearly feels this person is an emotional leech.
Declaring someone an 'emotional leech' is subjective though. To OP, she may well be an emotional leech but this is BECAUSE they're not on the same emotional wavelength/don't have the same emotional or friendship needs. To someone else, this friend would be just the sort of person they need emotionally and would find OP emotionally unavailable or whatever.

So, it's not about declaring someone wrong and you right. It's realising you're not a good fit for each other and moving on.

lovelyfun · 17/12/2020 10:58

OP, why don't you just tell these friends how they make you feel ? I'm sure they'd be horrified. Say it in a nice way. They probably don't realise at all and are just happy to have someone to talk to. This makes them a little self involved but people who are sad and depressed can be like that sometimes. I would say it in a nice way.

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