He is still not divorced

[Heisstillnotdivorced]

Namechanged.

My fiance and I got engaged almost a year ago. We have one daughter, she is two years old. We have been living together for four years and own a house in both our names. He was legally separated when I met him and had been for two years.

Things are pretty hostile with his ex, lots of sniping back and forth all the time. They have three teenage DCs together. She ended the marriage and has a new partner but seems to find any excuse to argue with my fiance. Initially I got on quite well with her but not anymore, she sent me a spiteful message last year saying he didn't want to move on from her, if he did they would be divorced now. I avoid her now.

My problem is he has been promising me for two years now that he is going to sort his divorce out but there is always a reason it doesn't get done.

AIBU to call off the engagement?

@WiseOwlWan I love your username!

YANBU l would call it off. Confused about why he proposed as he doesn’t seem to want to get divorced or marry you. He needs to start keeping his ex under control.

My ex husband did this and l think it’s really tacky. Engaged to the OW whilst still technically married to me. Well, he left me for her so it always a bit low rent from the start

I just skimmed the thread more. It’s an impressive array of rude and aggressive responses from OP. Yeah you’ve do a number of silly things and yep people are pointing that out. That’s what happens in AIBU

The fact you have set a date makes it all more odd. He isn’t divorced?!?!

I really like you op. The way you've respond to so many stupid posts is great. Yeahnahmum writes nasty and unhelpful stuff on every thread.

I guess what you have to figure out now has nothing to do with the divorce. What will your life be like in general even after he's divorced and you're married - are you happy to carry the mental load? Do you want to make the big decisions? Does he bring enough to your life in other ways that this is worthwhile. For me it probably wouldn't be, I'd be constantly stressed.

Right I think this thread has run its course for me. Amidst all the inevitable muppetry I got some very helpful advice which helped me formulate my thoughts around my frustration.

I will check back at some stage and to no doubt find a barrage of highly original "good luck op, you're gonna need it" type replies.

Will you return to the thread to let us know the outcome? I am genuinely interested to see what happens in the end.

@dysoncansuckit just because i am honest doesnt mean i write nasty things.
People come on aibu for an opinion/advice . I give them that. And this op is beyond logic. Getting engaged to a man already married and doesnt want to divorce yet they've set a wedding date.....!?

The Next time i see a story like this, I'll reply: "oh honey...what a wonderful man. He sounds like the best husband to be. He will definitely divorce his ex really soon. Just keep believing. All the best ❤"

Cause that is really helpful right

[quote Yeahnahmum]@dysoncansuckit just because i am honest doesnt mean i write nasty things.
People come on aibu for an opinion/advice . I give them that. And this op is beyond logic. Getting engaged to a man already married and doesnt want to divorce yet they've set a wedding date.....!?

The Next time i see a story like this, I'll reply: "oh honey...what a wonderful man. He sounds like the best husband to be. He will definitely divorce his ex really soon. Just keep believing. All the best ❤"

Cause that is really helpful right[/quote]
The equivalent of people who say 'I just tell like I see it'. Being honest doesn't mean you can get away with being rude, patronising and nasty. There are ways to give your opinion with grace and tact.

The fundamental issue I think is that it takes so long in Ireland to get a divorce that we over here accept separation and especially a legal and judicial separation as almost a divorce. Until recently you had to be separated 4 out of 5 years from someone before you could apply for a divorce and only then can divorce proceedings last. When I was in court for mine 7 years after we split up initially, there were women in the court having separated 13 years before and were still trying to thrash out the ins and outs of things. I had no kids with my ex husband and still it took that long and I applied for divorce the second I could as did he.

OP I hope he gets the finger out and gets this sorted out asap. I know that 2022 is a bit away yet but I understand your frustration at not having this final thing ticked off to move forward.

proceedings start not last!

The equivalent of people who say 'I just tell like I see it'. Being honest doesn't mean you can get away with being rude, patronising and nasty. There are ways to give your opinion with grace and tact.

^This. I really don't see why it's hard to understand. It isn't a choice between being nasty or sickly sweet. Both are equally objectionable IMO.

What a surprise. Woman on MN posts about her partner behaving poorly and somehow it's her own fault.

OP, if you are prepared to walk away from the relationship I would set him a deadline by which to have divorce proceedings underway again. You will need to be prepared to leave him though. A good idea to start building some savings up in the meantime if you can.

@Mittens030869 but the OP can be as rude as she likes, I suppose?

@Piglet89

No, of course not, don't put words in my mouth. But on this thread, frankly you've been just as bad as the OP, so it's a case of pot calling the kettle back. You've been very unpleasant actually.

The OP has, in fact, been extremely rude to me on several occasions @Mittens030869 - jumping down my throat when I was addressing my comments to other posters (some of the ones who posted the incorrect statements to which she so objects). Forgive me if that tends to get people’s backs up.

I’m really not sure you’ve read the full thread.

You bought a house with, had a child with, and got engaged to.....a married man?

Holy shit. Separation is not divorce. I’m not often shocked, but what the hell were you thinking? Legally and morally this is batshit.

@Piglet89

I did read it, and yes, the OP was rude; I agreed with you about that. She was also very sarcastic. Although I suspect there's also been a cultural clash going on, with the OP being Irish. Because it's clear that other posters found her funny.

What I don't understand is why you can't just let it go. Why are you taking it so personally, and what do you expect to achieve? You kind of lost the moral high ground as a result.

Anyway, I'm not going to enter into a full-blown argument with you. The OP has gone, so, in my view, it's time to move on.

Just caught up with all the op’s responses....

Wow. Seems like having it pointed out to her that she has been incredibly stupid has touched a nerve. I mean, if you’re going to post about this, expect that people won’t sugar coat their responses.
I think OP needs to take some ownership. Yes you might be frustrated with this man for his lack of divorce, but you were the one choosing to stay, purchase property, have a child and get engaged all while in the full knowledge that he was still married. Surely that is naive at best and very poor judgement.

Anyway, on a more helpful note with my legal hat on...separation agreements are legally binding and deal with the financials. It is very poor form for one party to attempt to overturn them, and the court usually takes a dim view. If this is a genuine separation agreement that has accepted by both parties and been lodged, then I don’t see how she can contest it and hope to have any success. At this point it ‘should’ be a matter of paperwork and filing. I do wonder if your partner is trying to present this as more difficult than it is, in order to procrastinate further and do nothing. For me, he’d have soured the entire relationship by his non action. I wouldn’t want to be with him.

@Mittens030869 I’m Irish as well! Northern Irish though, and we are known by people in Ireland as being “brash Nordies” so sounds like there’s an intra-country clash!

Fair enough; I see what you mean. I would like to know what happens in the end: as you have spotted, I do feel kind of invested now!

@Piglet89

I thought the OP was a bit over the top in responses to you but she is probably feeling a bit of a mug and that's what made her prickly.

She wanted reassuring that he can't wait to marry her, flying in the face of common sense, her own suspicions.

Don't take it personally and instead of seeing rudeness and all the rest of it, just be glad you're not in that spot.

@LadyFelsham yes, I think you’re right.

"There are ways to give your opinion with grace and tact." @dysoncansuckit...
Yup for sure. But dont attact me for it and at the same time pretend op is all rainbows and sunshine in her comments 😉

I did read it, and yes, the OP was rude; I agreed with you about that. She was also very sarcastic

English people are obsessed with rude, everything and everyone is rude. Irish people aren't like that. OP was merely not being English.

@onlythepianoplayer I know, and I said as much after that comment. I said that it was a cultural clash more than anything else.

And frankly, I've seen far worse on AIBU. If you really can't cope with a bit of rudeness, then this is a the place for you.

And actually, I did find some of her sarcasm funny. I especially liked her 'time machine' comment. It was a very appropriate retort to all those posters who were having a go at her for having bought a house and had a child with her partner. Because what is the point of that apart from wanting to make her feel more crap than she was already feeling?