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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He is still not divorced

432 replies

Heisstillnotdivorced · 16/12/2020 19:42

Namechanged.

My fiance and I got engaged almost a year ago. We have one daughter, she is two years old. We have been living together for four years and own a house in both our names. He was legally separated when I met him and had been for two years.

Things are pretty hostile with his ex, lots of sniping back and forth all the time. They have three teenage DCs together. She ended the marriage and has a new partner but seems to find any excuse to argue with my fiance. Initially I got on quite well with her but not anymore, she sent me a spiteful message last year saying he didn't want to move on from her, if he did they would be divorced now. I avoid her now.

My problem is he has been promising me for two years now that he is going to sort his divorce out but there is always a reason it doesn't get done.

AIBU to call off the engagement?

OP posts:

WiseOwlWan · 17/12/2020 17:40

@Piglet89

I wouldn’t bother, to be honest. If he hasn’t done the heavy lifting to sort it now, he’s just not motivated or interested enough to marry you.

A difficult message to hear, I know, but that’s how it looks from where I’m sitting. I would offer the platitude “you’re worth more” but I don’t actually know you, and what I have seen so far is predominantly breathtakingly aggressive rudeness, so you haven’t exactly covered yourself in glory on this thread.

Stepping back for a second: the question in your original post was: “AIBU to call off the engagement?” It was not for legal advice about his marital position, the position with what he’s likely to have to pay out in settlement or any of the above.

My answer to that is you are not unreasonable to call off the engagement, for the following reasons:

He does not value you enough to take the (perhaps difficult) steps to divorce his wife so he can marry you.
He has kids from his previous relationship which makes things messy.
You don’t get on with his parents and they disapprove of his relationship with you.
He is sounds lazy, which is a really unattractive quality in a partner when you’re supposed to be a team, because it sounds like you’ll be “carrying” him and doing the hard yards for the rest of your life with him. That’s exhausting and is very likely to grate over time, as you yourself have recognised.

1 and 4 are probably linked but by far the biggest red flag for me in terms of the long-term health of your relationship is 4.

I agree with this. You sound canny but screwed over. You will be fine. On your own.

RandomLondoner · 17/12/2020 17:45

I'm on OP's side in this thread. I reckon nearly every person she's abused has fully deserved it. One particularly idiotic one complained about her being rude, and then (I think in the very same sentence ) went on to call her stupid.

And what's with all the people telling her she can't be engaged to a married man? What legal substance does getting engaged confer on two unmarried people that doesn't apply when one of them is already married? (As far as I'm aware, there is virtually no legal substance in the first case, so there's nothing to "there" for the second case to differ from. All I can think of is maybe the provisions for returning gifts, when an engagement is called off. But I doubt those provisions are any different anyway.)

Piglet89 · 17/12/2020 17:55

Well, I’m not. She’s made seriously questionable decisions and she will be likely have to live with the consequences. Her posts have made her sound really unpleasant and difficult.

Mittens030869 · 17/12/2020 17:59

@Piglet89

Interesting. Well, IMO you haven't exactly covered yourself in glory on this thread either.

Original poster

Heisstillnotdivorced · 17/12/2020 18:05

@Piglet89

Well, I’m not. She’s made seriously questionable decisions and she will be likely have to live with the consequences. Her posts have made her sound really unpleasant and difficult.

Oh god I am devastated. What can I do to change your mind?

OP posts:

Jobsharenightmare · 17/12/2020 18:17

Ultimately OP took a gamble in order to have a child with time running out, trusting he would get divorced regardless of the financial cost. Even if the unintended consequences of this mean that the relationship ends due to this uncovering how ultimatums are the only way she can progress life goals with him, she may still never regret it because it enabled her to have her baby.

Piglet89 · 17/12/2020 18:18

God, OP you’ve taught us all how wonderful you are at sarcasm, fantastic. It’s wearing a bit thin now, to be honest.

Your smart mouth is unlikely to help you out of the pickle into which you’ve got yourself.

firesong · 17/12/2020 18:20

I don't know. I had to be told to get divorced when I was pregnant. I just hadn't bothered, it had nothing to do with my commitment levels. It felt unimportant - I wasn't with him anymore! However, you're engaged, and he's married... a bit weird!

GabriellaMontez · 17/12/2020 18:20

Oh god I am devastated. What can I do to change your mind?

Piglet89 · 17/12/2020 18:24

Yeah I’m killing myself here, absolutely rolling in the aisles. 🙄

One thing is for sure though: those figurative aisles are the only ones mentioned on this thread. I certainly see no signs of the literal one up which the OP is so keen to walk.

Original poster

Heisstillnotdivorced · 17/12/2020 18:25

@Piglet89

God, OP you’ve taught us all how wonderful you are at sarcasm, fantastic. It’s wearing a bit thin now, to be honest.

Your smart mouth is unlikely to help you out of the pickle into which you’ve got yourself.

You're entertaining anyway.

OP posts:

Wannakisstheteacher · 17/12/2020 18:27

Let's be honest though. It is a bit tragic to get engaged to someone who is already actually married.

Piglet89 · 17/12/2020 18:29

You’re not.

Pickledpenguin · 17/12/2020 18:29

@Wannakisstheteacher do you not understand what a legal separation is? Educate yourself : www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/judicial_separation.html

It is basically a pre divorce, divorce. It takes that long to get a divorce in Ireland that many people have no choice.

Mittens030869 · 17/12/2020 18:35

Piglet, you're showing yourself to be surprisingly invested in this thread. If you dislike the OP as much as you say you do, why are you giving her this much headspace?

nancybotwinbloom · 17/12/2020 18:40

@Piglet89

Well, I’m not. She’s made seriously questionable decisions and she will be likely have to live with the consequences. Her posts have made her sound really unpleasant and difficult.

Like what?

ElspethFlashman · 17/12/2020 18:49

Piglet, is this you?

Piglet89 · 17/12/2020 18:50

You got me...

BabyItsAWildWorld · 17/12/2020 18:55

Your smart mouth is unlikely to help you out of the pickle into which you’ve got yourself

OP I think your quick wit might very well help you out of 'the pickle into which you've got yourself.'

You don't suffer fools...
I've particuarly enjoyed your 'shall I buy a time machine?' response

There is often 1 person in a relationship who carries the 'big stuff'. My DH does this, the mortagage/insurance etc. I do other more daily stuff he wouldn't think of.
You needto think about whether even once he is divorecd, if you want the dynamic you have, with him being flakey/ avoidant on big stuff.
But remember no one is perfect and if you want marriage you'll have to compromise somewhere.

But being married to some one else is a compronisetoo far .

LadyFelsham · 17/12/2020 18:55

[quote Pickledpenguin]@Wannakisstheteacher do you not understand what a legal separation is? Educate yourself : www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/separation_and_divorce/judicial_separation.html

It is basically a pre divorce, divorce. It takes that long to get a divorce in Ireland that many people have no choice.[/quote]
I'll you what a legal separation isn't: it isn't a divorce.

Maybe the OP was confused too and thought a legal separation meant he was free to marry her.

He sounds as if he has plenty of choice and, as his wife (he can only have one and it isn't the OP) ended things, he's hanging around waiting for her to call him back. She told the OP as much.

So, with her telling OP this, him not moving to get an actual divorce ( you know, that legal thing that will allow him to re-marry) despite having had plenty of time to do so-the evidence suggests to anyone with half an eye that he is one fly boy who is keeping her dangling.

If he wanted to marry her, she wouldn't be in this spot at this stage-more or less begging him to take action.

What a load of arse-a ring, looking at venues-all done in the secure knowledge that's that's as far as it's going to get because he isn't ever going to get a divorce.

Wise up OP! He has made a gobshite out of you. Sell the house, tell him to fuck off and regain a bit of self-respect.

You'll be hanging around a long time waiting for him.

Original poster

Heisstillnotdivorced · 17/12/2020 18:58

@nancybotwinbloom I was not only rude but also sarcastic. Now I have to live with the consequences of piglet not liking me.

Lesson learned...

OP posts:

nancybotwinbloom · 17/12/2020 19:01

Well. Rather a smart mouth than a silent one

BlueThistles · 17/12/2020 19:01

what are you going to do OP ?

nancybotwinbloom · 17/12/2020 19:02

At least it's not the important piglet who gives advice on boilers and diy etc.

Original poster

Heisstillnotdivorced · 17/12/2020 19:02

To LadyF, piglet etc thanks for pointing out what a rubbish situation I'm in. I did after all post the thread to brag about what an amazing position I'm in and how I want it to continue for as long as possible.

OP posts:

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