He is still not divorced

[Heisstillnotdivorced]

Namechanged.

My fiance and I got engaged almost a year ago. We have one daughter, she is two years old. We have been living together for four years and own a house in both our names. He was legally separated when I met him and had been for two years.

Things are pretty hostile with his ex, lots of sniping back and forth all the time. They have three teenage DCs together. She ended the marriage and has a new partner but seems to find any excuse to argue with my fiance. Initially I got on quite well with her but not anymore, she sent me a spiteful message last year saying he didn't want to move on from her, if he did they would be divorced now. I avoid her now.

My problem is he has been promising me for two years now that he is going to sort his divorce out but there is always a reason it doesn't get done.

AIBU to call off the engagement?

No, I know you didn't OP but if you really and truly appreciated what a shite situation it was, I'm sure you wouldn't be in it. I don't think yo do realise, otherwise you wouldn't even be believing this bollocks of being engaged.

Anyway, it would be great if you realised how much he has strung you along and got rid of him. He knows what he's doing.

I don't think you will though but good luck to you if you do.

Omg op you're sarcastic but you do sarcasm well 🍀🍷👍

You're sarcadtic now but lose the albatross mr married 2 baby mommaz and the quick wit will be charisma not sarcasm.

OP I'd help to help:

You have been very silly. You have made some poor decisions. You should have made different ones. Do you realise that?
No, I mean do you really realise how silly you've been, and what a crap position you in??

So LTB.

Hope my nuanced analysis of your problem has helped.

How’s it tonight OP?

@Piglet89 Why be so mean.
OP is posting a genuine dilemma and your comments are cruel and unkind.

OP well done on still having a sense of humour.
I hope your OH sorts himself out.

Do you know what OP, I've read through all of this thread.

It's not about the divorce at all, it's about the fact that your DP is a man child who cannot be trusted to do anything of any importance and you're tired of carrying the load.

How did his first marriage end BTW? Did she also grow tired of his ineptitude?

@FreshFreesias I agree with you about Piglet. She's also a hypocrite, accusing the OP of being rude and unknowingly when she herself is far worse.

I also wonder how it's possible to develop such strong feelings about a stranger on an online forum?

I agree with ChristmasTreeFairy5000

You need to set yourself a deadline for him to sort his shit and stick to it. I wouldn’t even tell him the deadline or mention anything again, just to see how motivated he really is.

I would’ve left already, but you already know you’ve been a bit of a knob, so maybe give yourself until the middle of Jan for him to have seen the solicitors and come up with a plan to move forward. If he’s still useless and doing nothing to ease this stress and anguish, you’ve got to break loose.

Good luck

[quote Mittens030869]@FreshFreesias I agree with you about Piglet. She's also a hypocrite, accusing the OP of being rude and unknowingly when she herself is far worse.

I also wonder how it's possible to develop such strong feelings about a stranger on an online forum?[/quote]
No sarcasm here this time - I wondered the same but I assume I touched a nerve. I possibly remind her of someone or she's having a hard time in general.

Amazed to learn about this judicial separation lark - sounds disastrous either you are married or you are not or confusion reigns. Nothing like that in England presumably this is some religious hang over?

@MsTSwift Yes, it will be about that. Traditionally, in all Christian denominations, separation was acceptable but divorce and remarriage weren't.

It goes back to the Catholic understanding of marriage as being one of the seven sacraments and therefore unbreakable. Totally unbiblical, however.

@MsTSwift

Amazed to learn about this judicial separation lark - sounds disastrous either you are married or you are not or confusion reigns. Nothing like that in England presumably this is some religious hang over?

Pretty much, yes.

@BabyItsAWildWorld

OP I'd help to help:

You have been very silly. You have made some poor decisions. You should have made different ones. Do you realise that?
No, I mean do you really realise how silly you've been, and what a crap position you in??

So LTB.

Hope my nuanced analysis of your problem has helped.

No I wasn't silly getting into this situation. There was nothing unusual about it. It is not my fault that some posters on this thread cannot open their minds sufficiently to consider that laws, culture and norms could be different even in a country as close and seemingly similar as Ireland.

This is not the UK. We do not divorce (or have abortions - no judgement, just a fact) as readily as you do. The situation that I entered into was not in anyway unusual. Being engaged while awaiting his divorce is not unusual here in Ireland. The situation I've ended up in is very frustrating - the divorce is no longer progressing despite us being engaged.

So I don't agree I was silly to start this. I would be silly to continue on with this, hence posting the thread.

@ChristmasTreeFairy5000

Do you know what OP, I've read through all of this thread.

It's not about the divorce at all, it's about the fact that your DP is a man child who cannot be trusted to do anything of any importance and you're tired of carrying the load.

How did his first marriage end BTW? Did she also grow tired of his ineptitude?

I agree with you, thanks. I don't know why it is falling on me to sort out the mess he and his ex created.

It just sounds like he likes the idea of a lot of things, holiday, marriage etc, does the easy bits such as talking about it and agreeing to plans, he even went so far as buying a ring. But when it comes to any donkey work he either can't be arsed or doesn't have the ability to sort it out. Either way, I'd be upset that he was more willing to upset me than take up some time and effort to sort things out

It’s a bad situation because the only people that can resolve this are not themselves personally prejudiced by their inaction- the loser here is you the person who cannot herself resolve this. Nightmare. You either have to hope he does the right thing or play hardball and say you will walk if no divorce but that’s a risk he might call your bluff...

@LilyLongJohn

It just sounds like he likes the idea of a lot of things, holiday, marriage etc, does the easy bits such as talking about it and agreeing to plans, he even went so far as buying a ring. But when it comes to any donkey work he either can't be arsed or doesn't have the ability to sort it out. Either way, I'd be upset that he was more willing to upset me than take up some time and effort to sort things out

He likes the talking about bit and the end result but he doesn't like the sorting it out bit.

@MsTSwift

It’s a bad situation because the only people that can resolve this are not themselves personally prejudiced by their inaction- the loser here is you the person who cannot herself resolve this. Nightmare. You either have to hope he does the right thing or play hardball and say you will walk if no divorce but that’s a risk he might call your bluff...

Well the playing hardball will get the 'desired' result but this is my dilemma - is it desirable when I had to bully him into it?

I've decided he needs to do it anyway - how can I explain to our daughter her dad is married to another woman? And then deciding to get married is a separate decision. If I'm still angry further down the line about all this then what's the point?

When I did internet dating, two of the most ''decent'' candidates I met were both still married. Both divorcing but I wasn't that bothered. I met a load of peter pans, spiritual narcissists, ghosters, stoners, losers, drunks and perverts online and actually, the types who were at least open to having married once upon a time weren't the worst bets.

The first still married but legally separated man I dated, on about our second date, he said ''I'm never getting married again'' with this earnest 'i have to be honest' expression. I said ''not to me you're certainly not''. The second one, I think he was gay but in denial. His wife wanted to divorce him because of a decade of no sex. I saw her, she was gorgeous. Not that that is the be and end all I know but ............

Anyway, just in defence of OP dating '''married men'', people here get it.

If the OP had had a decade to spare then waiting to have a baby might have been wise but if having a baby was a prioritiy then she obviously did the right thing.

You often don't see people's true colours til after you've had a baby. Whether they be legally separated, your husband of ten years, or a high school sweetheart.

@WiseOwlWan

When I did internet dating, two of the most ''decent'' candidates I met were both still married. Both divorcing but I wasn't that bothered. I met a load of peter pans, spiritual narcissists, ghosters, stoners, losers, drunks and perverts online and actually, the types who were at least open to having married once upon a time weren't the worst bets.

The first still married but legally separated man I dated, on about our second date, he said ''I'm never getting married again'' with this earnest 'i have to be honest' expression. I said ''not to me you're certainly not''. The second one, I think he was gay but in denial. His wife wanted to divorce him because of a decade of no sex. I saw her, she was gorgeous. Not that that is the be and end all I know but ............

Anyway, just in defence of OP dating '''married men'', people here get it.

If the OP had had a decade to spare then waiting to have a baby might have been wise but if having a baby was a prioritiy then she obviously did the right thing.

You often don't see people's true colours til after you've had a baby. Whether they be legally separated, your husband of ten years, or a high school sweetheart.

Thanks.

As it turned out I didnt not have a decade to spare, I didn't have one year to spare. So my silly decisions could equally be described as a miracle.

@Heisstillnotdivorced normally when I read these threads you just feel that the poor op has given away all of her power, but I don't sense that from you. He's lost YOUR respect. You're going off HIM.

I think he's lost power.

Also, I get why people would say that why would he marry again, but if you only have one child to support and he has FOUR then if you have a job, perhaps he needs you more than you need him.

I met these characters, acting like they'd been so badly 'bitten'' when they split up and divided up assets between two. Meanwhile, although not YOUNG, I had nearly a decade behind me of feathering my own nest.

Take control OP. You sound more than capable of splitting up and going solo.

I hear you. I wouldn't have dared ask for advice on MN. I had two kids without being married. It was a financial misstep. But not a mistake.
I'm 50 now, I have my healthy teenagers, all the tensions have died down, we have a secure home, I have a job, their dad has a job.
It's all ok!

And actually, now, I like being single. I look at married women my age (sometimes, depending on what else they have going on in their lives) and I feel sorry for them. So although I had some tough times getting back on my feet financially, I like myself so much more than if I'd done things in the right order, offended nobody with my recklessness and ended up in an average marriage.

Op. You say you don't why the sorting out of the mess he and his ex has created is falling on you.

Surely that's because out of the trio, you're the only one who wants him to divorce. The other two parties-the man and his wife-at best- aren't bothered either way or, the more likely scenario, don't want to close the door on each other. Did she not tell you as much?

They're dragging their feet-they don't care-you're the one who cares and that's why it's fallen to you

If you stopped pushing and shoving, there would be no divorce and I think you must know this by now.

Why don't you stop heaving away at it and just see what happens naturally.

I suggest nothing will happen and then you can decide whether to be eternally engaged-smiling at your ring and looking at venues together in some sort of awful sham of wedding planning- or leave them to it, gather up your skirts, sell the house and move on with your child.

YABU to stay "engaged" to a man who will only go half the distance towards divorcing his wife even though you have a child and a house with him. He expects you to be satisfied with that. Tell him to do one.