I’m wondering how do women have it all?

[soopedup]

If you have it all can you please tell me how you do it. Like literally please break it down for me how you manage to have 1) clean, sleeping, happy children with homework done 2) manage their social lives 3) succeed in a top career 4) have sex without tired because of 1,2,3 and 4 5) keep on top of a big house and garden with maintenance and cleaning 6) find, keep, maintain a fun social life.

How please?

I had to let number 3 go to get anywhere near the rest but now after many years of being a SAHM and seeing social media posts of friends getting big promotions, how? I don’t know how to do it all? I’m so fricking tired. All the time. So I just don’t know how people do it happily. I’m obviously missing something.

You can have it all. You just can’t have it all at once.

I’m pretty self- managing, just always have been

I’m a single parent (late teens now) and have been for 10 years, I have a good job, nice house, lots of friends, ‘run marathons’ and a live out boyfriend so sex too!

Dunno, I’m pretty good at making time count. No minute is wasted. Even if that minute is for rest, it’s calculated rest.

I don’t have a cleaner just because I find it more stressful to have to incorporate that into my routines, but I have an excellent (cheap) electrician, joiner, plumber who I can rely on in an emergency.

Do my own decorating, cook from fresh every day.

Dunno I just am one of those people who copes with life 🤷‍♀️

I think people would describe me as “having it all” big house, lovely (on the face of it) kids, in the youngest 4 people in the country in my role. I have to start by saying we have to be exceptionally organised (by me ) and I am ALWAYS tired, I feel it all the time but other than than that...

There are 3 of us doing the parenting role. My exDH who really is the best father the kids could wish for (has them regularly, pays significant maintenance and supports my career. We are still friends despite the divorce. He also hs an amazing career) and my now DH who is even more supportive, adores the kids and does housework!!!
Kids are the priority. When DD had match afternoons at school we never missed one. There was always a supporter on the sidelines. I had them once I had started my career but before I got too snr on advice and it worked for me. We have never had a nanny and I have always been primary carer, but I have a phenomenal amount of support from the above mentioned men.

We have sex almost daily (go to bed early or set alarms for 20 minutes earlier) BUT Banksy could do masterpieces in the dust at my house!! We don’t have a cleaner and DH is fab but he doesn’t see dust etc!! It’s on my list for the new year.

Should point out that DH as has a fab career and is very committed to it but it’s not as “high flying” as mine

Disagree with posters saying it's down to husbands taking on half the work. My husband does half the work and we are both knackered with a messy house despite constantly busying ourselves with chores in any spare moment the kids give us.

I'm convinced it's down to outside help, they can afford cleaners and nannies.

@MrsMigginsMate

Disagree with posters saying it's down to husbands taking on half the work. My husband does half the work and we are both knackered with a messy house despite constantly busying ourselves with chores in any spare moment the kids give us.

I'm convinced it's down to outside help, they can afford cleaners and nannies.

I think that once a couple has dc, the home and the kids are a full time job for one person...it's too much even when it's split between two people both working full time. You either need a sahp, outside paid help or lots of family help.

I think that once a couple has dc, the home and the kids are a full time job for one person...it's too much even when it's split between two people both working full time. You either need a sahp, outside paid help or lots of family help.

I disagree with this. We have pretty much no family help, only have a cleaner for 2 hours a fortnight and only use after school club 3 days a week.

We manage due to the flexible nature of our jobs and the fact we work as a team. It is possible with relatively minimal help.

It depends on your definition of having it all!

I chose to have a relatively smallish house and garden both of which take minimal upkeep. We adopt a "do it as we go" approach to keeping it tidy, so DS muddy rugby kit goes straight in the wash when he gets home ditto muddy boots. We have a general rule of "put it away when you've finished with it" which saves heaps of time when cleaning because it means we don't need to tidy up first! Combination of all this means it literally takes 30 minutes to dust and hoover the whole house once a week. Similar time to clean the bathroom and kitchen because we "clean as we go".

It helps that I WFH (have done for almost 10 years on and off) so I do things like load the washer/peg washing out while I'm waiting for the kettle to boil or while making my lunch. Frees up more time in the evening and at weekends.

We share ALL household chores and tasks equally (and I include DS in this) so means we all have equal leisure time.

We also made the conscious decision to only have one DC, again this means much less washing, less school activities etc etc

DH doesn't really do much exercise but I do triathlon so train every day. I do it early morning or in my lunch break (again advantage of WFH!)

I was very focussed on my career from being a teenager, I knew what I wanted and focussed on what I needed to do/how to get there. I did it before I had DS so that I was already in a position of having a well paid career that I went straight back to after taking maternity leave.

We also fell lucky in a way that when we decided to move in together at 18 FIL persuaded us to buy rather than rent. That was over 20 years ago so we bought cheap and have next to no mortgage remaining.

Combination of low mortgage and well paid jobs we can afford treats and luxuries. But DH and I are both in agreement that experiences and enjoying ourselves are more important to us than bricks and mortar.

So I probably do look like I "have it all" and maybe I do, but it's not down to any magic secret it's down to lifestyle choices I've made over the last 20 years based on knowing at age 18 that I didn't want to spend my life cooking, cleaning, doing chores and running around after a husband and multiple DC.

I'm not sure that answers your question though because you're comparing yourself to women with big houses and multiple DC? I agree with previous posters that they probably outsource some stuff and also possibly behind closed doors don't have the picture perfect life the world sees on social media!

I also agree with what other posters have said upthread - everyone in our house is pretty laid back and takes everything in their stride, plus I'm the kind of person who is ridiculously organised (but in a way that comes naturally so I don't freak out about it) and I perform at my best under pressure.

I'm the kind of person you want on your team in a crisis

@soopedup

What do you all do with school holidays!! So many weeks! How do you do that with 8 weeks in the summer and inset days etc etc

Combination of annual leave (both of us), me WFH and holiday clubs.

DS did spend time with grandparents but this was through choice not necessity, if GP hadn't been around he would've just spend more time in holiday clubs.

1. Divorce useless man child
2. Move to same village as family to access good childcare / support 3). Outsource jobs I don’t need to do myself e.g. Gardening, Cleaning, afternoon dog walks
3. Get new boyfriend who wants commitment but has a separate life too so does not want to co-habit

All of the above took some doing and 2 years of effort but (Covid aside) I can now manage my top career, my 9 year old daughter, my house and garden and a second life! However when lockdown#1 arrived in March my entire house of cards collapsed for a bit resulting in my needing to take 3 months off work in the end just to cope at home without my support network.

It’s very hard to “have it all” and even when everything is running smoothly it’s a tough juggle!

@WorraLiberty

They're normally married to fully functioning adult men and don't feel the need to martyr themselves.

Spot on And the sad the other way round. Men who “have it all” are normally part of a team/partnership of equals.

Otherwise one party has it all on the back of the other ones efforts, which isn’t right or sustainable

Big house and garden? Top career? That's not most people's norm whether they are women or otherwise.

You set your priorities and give up on the strange idea that 'having it all' is reasonable and achievable for anyone other than the most financially and socially privileged. If I had lots of money, sure, I'd have a big house and garden and could pay people to do all the upkeep, wouldn't need to work and could devote myself to hobbies and interests and grooming and all that jazz. I don't have lots of money and unless I win the lotto I likely never will. But my dc are looked after and my fridge has food in it and my dh loves me (something I am starting to believe again after a fucking awful two years when we nearly ended) and I value my job and have stopped caring whether I live up to other people's ideals for a good life. Very few people have it all but I think what I have is good enough.

We have pretty much no family help, only have a cleaner for 2 hours a fortnight and only use after school club 3 days a week

So paid for help...like I said

@formerbabe

We have pretty much no family help, only have a cleaner for 2 hours a fortnight and only use after school club 3 days a week

So paid for help...like I said

But not a significant amount as you suggested.

A cleaner 2 hours a fortnight and an hour of after school club 3 days a week isn't a huge amount of help.

I think it's all easier if you keep your career going.

No one has it all. It's not possible. If you prioritise one thing then you have to deprioritise another. It's as simple as that!

@chocolatepowder

I think it's all easier if you keep your career going.

It is, but that requires having a career to keep going.

A lot of women have spent their teenage years flirting with boys and hoping to bag a man to pay their way rather than studying, and then wonder why they are only in a minimum wage job with limited life chances.

Successful people tend to start young.

Interesting but I lost my mother young and actually I went the opposite way. I was quite high achieving and academic at school but afterwards I just thought, what's the point? People who are high achieving and efficient usually seem to have one thing in common imo and that is they have good mental and physical health...that gives a huge advantage

This post really struck a chord with me. I lost my mother in my twenties, before I had children. I was riding high on a really good career wave when she died and I just lost all motivation and my mental health was a wreck. I never managed to get back to where I was. Ended up leaving my career after kids finally killed it dead. Now I’m retraining so that I can keep things as stress-free and manageable as possible.

No-one 'has it all' and someone's social media is only a tiny and very selective snapshot of their life. All the crappy bits of life, bad hair days, arguments, compromises etc etc still happen - they are just not openly broadcasted in the same way the job promotions, immaculate and imaginative elf on the shelf ideas, clean and smiling children, perfect festive nail art etc are.

@MaskingForIt odfod

Agree with others that say money, and support from family / nanny etc.

I can never do it all and have made peace with that. You do your best, and try not to let one area get too neglected for too long. That's all you can do.

For 3 I let go of 2, 4, 5 and 6...

The myth of having it all is extremely damaging to women, it's a nonsense and nothing more.

It depends on what having it all means to you.
I have it all and nothing on your list of priorities.
Self actualisation is the aim in life, this is success.
Not a career, husband and kids, necessarily.