I’m wondering how do women have it all?

[soopedup]

If you have it all can you please tell me how you do it. Like literally please break it down for me how you manage to have 1) clean, sleeping, happy children with homework done 2) manage their social lives 3) succeed in a top career 4) have sex without tired because of 1,2,3 and 4 5) keep on top of a big house and garden with maintenance and cleaning 6) find, keep, maintain a fun social life.

How please?

I had to let number 3 go to get anywhere near the rest but now after many years of being a SAHM and seeing social media posts of friends getting big promotions, how? I don’t know how to do it all? I’m so fricking tired. All the time. So I just don’t know how people do it happily. I’m obviously missing something.

Agree the smug posts are annoying. Especially when there’s lots of family help going on in the background. You’re very lucky if you can ship your mum or MIL in for housework/ childcare!

Also one women’s idea of ‘having it all’ could be quite different to another’s.

I need loads of sleep, don’t cope well with stress and have zero family help. Husband travels lots with work. I did attempt the high powered career and nearly had a nervous breakdown.

I work for myself now, earn a decent amount part time. I don’t think I have it all but I’m happy in the areas that matter. I can exercise, walk the dog, spend time with family. I’m not cleaning early morning before work or evenings. I have a good social life.

If two people have a high powered career (which involves late meetings, travel, business dinners, then I guess the nanny or someone else is spending the large chunk of time with the kids. That wasn’t for me. I used to get home at 7.30pm just as the nanny was putting my baby and toddler to bed. That was awful. For me. Some would be fine with it and I know many men are.

The smug posts are so annoying - it really shows how many people conflate ability with luck.

I had the good sense to choose an amazing man who more than pulled his weight in every respect, but then he fell in love with someone else and left me.

Piss poor physical health came out of nowhere and stunted my career.

I had an awful childhood which means I’m very easily overwhelmed. No way could I multi-task; I actually feel physically sick when two clients call me at the same time.

I know my own executive functioning is ropey and I am trying to model good habits when I can. I have found the routines on this thread very helpful. I rose earlier this morning for a start, did some laundry and exercised.

To others it may appear that YOU have it all.
You're privileged enough (in some eyes, not all) to be a SAHP.
This would be an absolute dream for some people. Don't judge other families, they really might be struggling

I feel the same OP - I wanted to be heavily involved in my children's lives and would never have handed this privilege over to a nanny.

I now have two amazing grown up kids, who I have a wonderful relationship with, they have wings and are almost ready to fly solo.....and I'm mid 40's with no career...managed to just about balance a part time job and all life's other responsibilities over the years, but my marriage took the hit - I was constantly exhausted and grumpy and lost myself in chores and motherhood.

I just look back now and it's all a blur, I don't know what choices I could've made differently, feeling very disheartened but I hold onto the fact that my kids are happy and achieving well and had an amazing childhood.

I plan to support my DC one day with childcare help and support so they can achieve careers and balance family life too.

It is, but that requires having a career to keep going. A lot of women have spent their teenage years flirting with boys and hoping to bag a man to pay their way rather than studying, and then wonder why they are only in a minimum wage job with limited life chances. Successful people tend to start young.

In the utopia where every girl (and boy) takes their school seriously and longs for some worthwhile career, I wonder who will do things like clean their homes, or take care of their kids, or make their coffee at break time, so they can pursue success?

I just about manage 1-3, but not 4-6! (I have a cleaner but the house looks a state for 6 days out of 7).

People who have all of that have enough money to pay someone else to clean the house, to pay for good childcare, including baby-sitting, etc. It's not such a big achievement if you have money.

People have different definitions of what they class as 'having it all' I'm not sure anyone has it all!

@RileyG73

To others it may appear that YOU have it all. You're privileged enough (in some eyes, not all) to be a SAHP. This would be an absolute dream for some people. Don't judge other families, they really might be struggling

I know loads of families who could easily live comfortably off one salary...but they're greedy so think it's worthwhile barely seeing their kids and being endlessly busy and stressed.

Something has to go, in my case it’s sex and a social life, not bothered about social life part though.

Also DH pulls his weight with childcare, house cleaning and house admin so that gives me time to run a business.

Our marriage is in trouble though due to the complete lack of affection between us.

My advice is pick something else to take a hit.

Luck, mostly. Some of it was choice, but as many of the opportunities to make life easier that came my way were luck.

While my first two DC were small we lived away from all of our family so we had no help and it was difficult but we managed. I never took maternity leave and did a lot of consultancy work when the DC were small so I could keep my career moving. I worked all hours, took every piece of work that came my way, got chronically underpaid, worked a lot of shit assignments but it all built the skill set for the career I wanted. Now I have a position where it's possible to work from home and flex my hours, so that is the only reason I have your #1 and your #3-- that, and the fact that no one has additional needs, a thing that is totally not in my control at all. So, luck.

#2 is that my social life just manages itself because I'm genuinely happy not socialising on a regular basis. My friends and I used to get together reasonably regularly but it's more along the lines of "bring your DC and we'll get a few pizzas and catch up", not huge nights out. Being easily satisfied in terms of a social life means it's not really a thing I think about. But that's also just luck, if someone was a real social person I don't think my life would make them very happy.

#4, we have times where we know we might get a free, unexhausted opportunity because life is so very routine, so we just take advantage of it.

#5 I used to outsource with a cleaner and garden maintenance but DH lost work due to covid and we had to stop. DH and I now WFH regularly so we have the time to get it all done. It helps that we don't have the world's largest home, or garden. If we both go back to full time office work we'll have to consider outsourcing it all again.

I think it comes down to what you'd really be satisfied with -- my life probably sounds pure hell for the next person!

Duanphen

1. Get into a good career and work hard between 9 and 5. Get a childminder or have partner pick up kids. Don't try and work a crappy low-paid or part-time job 'that fits with school hours' and hope for the best. Pay for childcare and focus on work in work time.

God help us that have ‘crappy low paid work’? Many of us take these jobs to fit round school hours so we as parents can look after our own children. I find your comment rather stuck up. Not everyone is career minded. Who do you think you are?

It is, but that requires having a career to keep going. A lot of women have spent their teenage years flirting with boys and hoping to bag a man to pay their way rather than studying, and then wonder why they are only in a minimum wage job with limited life chances. Successful people tend to start young.

I was smart ,I had good grades, I even went to uni. However I was totally fucked up for various reasons which got topped up by being raped and needing an abortion in my 3rd year. I completely crashed and burned. I ran away (literally as I moved countries) leaving it all behind including my paltry qualifications.

So yeah, I'm in a shitty paid job,with low earning power and not a lot of future prospects. I'm also still alive. I have a home as small and shitty as it might be. I have a wonderful child. I'm pretty stable. I have a good relationship. My job, as low paid as it might be, I actually really like and I'm pretty darn good at it.

Do I have it all? Fuck no. But most of the time I'm pretty happy with what I have.

If someone chooses to look down on me for being just a TA or supermaket worker or carer and thinks I spent my youth flirting with the boys or a sugar daddy that's their fucking problem not mine.

Agree with pp that establishing your career before kids is key. Most careers have a kind of threshold after which you suddenly get to be the boss and work less/ more flexibly. It is incredibly competitive to cross this threshold. Basically you need to do it pre kids if at all possible. That probably means climbing the ladder as fast as you can in your 20s and early 30s

@AccidentallyOnPurpose

I agree completely with you. Trauma can happen to any one of us and totally change the course of our lives. I went to uni and got a degree...I was full of potential but had an alcoholic father who made my life hell...I just couldn't focus on getting started in a career. I'm was top of the class during my school days...straight As in my GCSEs, a levels and a degree...only work I've done is a bit of admin and reception sruff though.

"I wanted to be heavily involved in my children's lives and would never have handed this privilege over to a nanny."

Same here. I like to be at the heart of it all, like to be heavily involved (possibly overbearing!) but love just being with them all.

Time is precious and that for me is the crux of it. It trumps money every single time.

I do have some similarities with those who work full time though. I get up very early each day (usually between 5 and 6am) and make sure I value my time by using it wisely. Not in paid employment, but by playing music, cooking, reading, exercising, etc when all DC are in school and nursery. Those precious moments on my own really are cherished too, as I have no family support.

@blowinahoolie

"I wanted to be heavily involved in my children's lives and would never have handed this privilege over to a nanny."

Same here. I like to be at the heart of it all, like to be heavily involved (possibly overbearing!) but love just being with them all.

Time is precious and that for me is the crux of it. It trumps money every single time.

I do have some similarities with those who work full time though. I get up very early each day (usually between 5 and 6am) and make sure I value my time by using it wisely. Not in paid employment, but by playing music, cooking, reading, exercising, etc when all DC are in school and nursery. Those precious moments on my own really are cherished too, as I have no family support.

You sound like me, except I don't get up early! I'm a sahm to school age dc...I'd rather have free time and no stress than loads of money.

Not everyone pays for cleaners etc even with good careers.

I earn a good salary for 7 years I was a single mum to 2 kids. The only help I had was childminder after school until I returned from work.
I do not have a cleaner, nanny or any other outside help.
I am tired though 🤣

I agree not everyone has cleaners/gardeners/nannies. I didn’t when I was full time/

I was very very tired and stressed though so wouldn’t call that having it all. I had a decent career but not much else.

I don’t know that anyone has it all. Some would think I did but I see others and think they do. I’m very comfortable but had cancer - does one outweigh the other? I think some people make it hard for themselves, some make unwise choices and suffer the consequences and some are entirely inconsequential in their decision making from an early age.
I believe you set yourself up ‘to have everything’ from a fairly early age - certainly throughout teens.
Certain characteristics and behaviours make it more likely but you can still ease life a bit if you come late to the behaviour and consequences club.

Save children for a long term, committed relationship where you share core values. Don’t have sex with people you’re not prepared to have either a child or a termination with. Highly effective contraception is available everywhere but MN these days.
Work hard for good qualifications during school years and at university or in early stages of career. Aim high.
Marry a good man who will be a good father and husband.
Sleep train. Ensure that everyone gets to sleep enough.

Ensure babysitters and book social life time. Granny, an aunt, a nanny, a neighbour, join a babysitting circle. Make time from each other.

Don’t buy into the ‘must be occupied and interacted with the whole time’ myth. Children need to learn to cope with boredom.
Exercise. Walk them so they sleep. The idea that primary children can’t walk a couple of miles is both sad and ridiculous. Exercise is so important.
Don’t fill your house with clutter. Be ruthless in throwing away junk. Minimise presents to useful and durable things. Avoid a house full of unplayed with tat. Bin bags are your friends.
Don’t iron.
Shop online always. Meal plan.
Whilst children are young do additional qualifications and keep a tie in the waters of your career. A few days locum, volunteering with responsibilities, part-time work. Use social media to stay visible.

formerbabe 5yo and 3yo always up very early 😂 used to it now. Older ones are the opposite and will sleep as long as they can get away with.

Yep, I hate feeling stressed too and a high flying career would just push me a step too far. Thankfully many of us are in a position to choose. I appreciate any of our circumstances can change at any time though.

Well if both you and your husband work, someone else raises the kids from 9 to 5 at least most days. I used to work in nurseries, and many of the babies would cry so much when their parents picked them up, because as far as they were concerned, they were being removed from their primary carer. Of course, you can't say that to the parents.

So that's hardly having it all, OP.

"Work hard for good qualifications during school years and at university or in early stages of career."

What's wrong with modern apprenticeships? Is success only measured by having a university degree?

Have you ever heard of a poorly paid plumber? Just plucking an example from top of my head here, but getting seriously irritated by this notion of success is only measured by academic achievement. It's not, fortunately.

Let's encourage young men and women to achieve their potential if they want to head down an apprenticeship route or university degree route. Both can lead to very successful careers.

I know several folk who are not academic in the slightest, but did apprenticeship schemes and now earning much more than I did as a graduate. Don't knock it🤷

I probably look like I have it all. I’ve got a nice house in a nice area, a wonderful husband and two brilliant sons.

There are three grandparents on the scene and they are a total Godsend for hundreds of reasons.

We’ve both got well paid, professional jobs that we love and we have nice holidays and city breaks.

We probably have sex about 1-2 times a week, we’d probably like it more often but we are always so tired.

We use breakfast club 5 mornings a week and after school club one evening a week.

I do volunteer work and I am also currently doing a DipHe so I have a focused goal.

I wish I had the money to pay for outsourced help

My husband is great, I run my own business and I don’t prioritise cleaning!