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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave one girls name off the team card?

533 replies

GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 14:33

DD (10) joined a sports team in September. There is 9 of them in the team and two or three who train with them but aren’t in the official team.
The coach is a volunteer and she puts in so so much effort with the girls and is just so lovely. The team in this iteration is new and this is her first year coaching also.

I sent a message to all the other parents to see if they wanted to contribute to a joint gift. Quite a few did so I set up a PayPal pool and set the amount for £10. In the end everyone contributed, and the training kids put in £5 and we got 100 odd quid. Bought some vouchers and am going to give them along with a card and wine tonight.

One set of parents didn’t respond at all to any messages about the present and didn’t mention it to me at training either. No problem at all but it does mean every others kids name is on the card but not theirs. They are very involved with the team and the sport so no doubt they’ve done their own thing or whatever but WIBU to leave this girls name off?

I also arrange the teacher collection at school and don’t set an amount for that and have just written “from class” in the cards regardless of who has actually contributed. But this is a sports team they elect to join so feels a bit different.

Small issue but preoccupying me this morning. I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name.

OP posts:
LittleMissLockdown · 16/12/2020 15:06

Bullying? Behave. It’s a totally voluntary Christmas gift collection and If people don’t actually want to be involved it’s hardly bullying to allow them not to be involved.*

But it's not voluntary if you can't bloody afford £10 is it! Voluntary is saying chuck in what you can afford. You set the limit at £10. That's a fortune to some families at the best of times let alone during this shit show of a year.

LadyLinnaeus · 16/12/2020 15:06

Oh god, you must be my colleague who has demanded £10 from each of us (20 or so) to go towards a Christmas hamper for the head of department, who is paid £70k to my £20k. I’ve ignored that demand again this year... Just say it’s from all of the team - don’t be an arse about it. And stop organising collections - especially if you get all passive aggressive about it...

Elfieishere · 16/12/2020 15:06

@lyralalala

Why bother asking?

You are quite clearly going to leave out the name of one 10yo child.

Just do it, but don't pretend there's anything moral or nice about being so mean spirtied to a child.

Makes me laugh how it’s mean to leave a kids name off. Her family didn’t contribute so her name doesn’t get added. That’s common sense. Her family can tell her they didn’t pay towards the gift hence why her name isn’t there.
changedmynameforChristmas · 16/12/2020 15:07

@GinAtMerlottes

DD (10) joined a sports team in September. There is 9 of them in the team and two or three who train with them but aren’t in the official team. The coach is a volunteer and she puts in so so much effort with the girls and is just so lovely. The team in this iteration is new and this is her first year coaching also.

I sent a message to all the other parents to see if they wanted to contribute to a joint gift. Quite a few did so I set up a PayPal pool and set the amount for £10. In the end everyone contributed, and the training kids put in £5 and we got 100 odd quid. Bought some vouchers and am going to give them along with a card and wine tonight.

One set of parents didn’t respond at all to any messages about the present and didn’t mention it to me at training either. No problem at all but it does mean every others kids name is on the card but not theirs. They are very involved with the team and the sport so no doubt they’ve done their own thing or whatever but WIBU to leave this girls name off?

I also arrange the teacher collection at school and don’t set an amount for that and have just written “from class” in the cards regardless of who has actually contributed. But this is a sports team they elect to join so feels a bit different.

Small issue but preoccupying me this morning. I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name.

I used to loathe mums like you OP. Brownie point searchers. Leave one child's name off the list !!! Incredible !

I think you deserve the Jacob Marley badge for being an attention seeking miserable minded but at the same time shining example to your own child

myhobbyisouting · 16/12/2020 15:07

"To save a cringey “here’s a gift from the whole team” thing, have never been able to bear that sort of thing."

Yet you make yourself organiser of the team AND school collections?! Give over, you want to be queen bee and are prepared to leave off one kids name.

It's absolutely cringeworthy to think you'd actually sit and write out individual names for a whole team plus coaches.

RedToothBrush · 16/12/2020 15:07

@GinAtMerlottes

I did think about putting “the team” but one of the assistant coaches also put in as did the parents of the kids who aren’t technically in the team so wanted to include their names.
From the team and team support.

Done.

Elfieishere · 16/12/2020 15:08

@LittleMissLockdown

* Bullying? Behave. It’s a totally voluntary Christmas gift collection and If people don’t actually want to be involved it’s hardly bullying to allow them not to be involved.*

But it's not voluntary if you can't bloody afford £10 is it! Voluntary is saying chuck in what you can afford. You set the limit at £10. That's a fortune to some families at the best of times let alone during this shit show of a year.

It’s still voluntary. If you can or can’t afford it isn’t the OP problem. They still decided to not find the money. It’s only a tenner.
TrialOfStyle · 16/12/2020 15:09

You TOLD people how much they need to contribute - it's a fucking gift. People should be allowed to give as much as they can afford/deem appropriate.

And now because some adults haven't paid (and again, you don't know their circumstances and whether they can even afford it) you are making a deliberate decision to single out a child.

You sound really petty and controlling. What is the huge issue with just writing "from the team and coaches"?

Circumlocutious · 16/12/2020 15:09

@HasaDigaEebowai

It isn't the child's fault for goodness sake. Include her name.
The first replies in AIBU are always the most obnoxious.
TrialOfStyle · 16/12/2020 15:09

It’s still voluntary.
If you can or can’t afford it isn’t the OP problem. They still decided to not find the money. It’s only a tenner.

Only a tenner to people who can easily spare a tenner.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 16/12/2020 15:10

Are you sure the parents who didn’t reply actually got your message?

birdseeder · 16/12/2020 15:10

The virtue signalling is strong on your post OP lol

I hate the gathering at the end of term where the one or two queen bee mums give the "class" gift to a teacher, they look so smug & love the attention 🤮
Just write from the team and be done with it.

peboh · 16/12/2020 15:10

"It's only a tenner"
Is that really something we say these days? A tenner to you or I may be practically a £100 to other parents. Not everybody has a spare tenner lying around, especially this close to Christmas. The thing that bothers me the most about mumsnet is a complete lack of empathy for anybody that isn't financially comfortable.

Original poster
GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 15:10

Grin honestly this place is incredible. It never changes. You’re all winding each other up now and the outrage and horror and people being devastated and terrified for my
children and so so thankful they don’t know me has started, so I’ll leave you to it.

And to confirm, I’ve just done the card and I’ve written all the names of the people who contributed.

OP posts:
PearlescentIridescent · 16/12/2020 15:11

Oh yes and it was completely not your place to demand a set amount for your voluntary collection. Also what was the reason for including to use the amount raised? It just further makes you sound like your collection has given you some weird little power trip.

And it is WAY more cringey to write down each and every individual girl's name. Cards go one of two ways - either everyone signs their own name or someone writes the collective group. Again though I think you know thay and are just choosing to exclude a child from an event.

Do everyone a favour next time and let someone else organise a collection!

arethereanyleftatall · 16/12/2020 15:11

This came up on another thread a week or so ago, and actually was split 50/50ish on the responses. This one has gone more 90/10.

LittleMissLockdown · 16/12/2020 15:11

Her family can tell her they didn’t pay towards the gift hence why her name isn’t there.

That's going to do wonders for her self esteem. Sorry darling you know how we are struggling financially and cant afford much at the moment that's why everyone else in the team got to contribute to the gift and you got left out... Hmm

Clymene · 16/12/2020 15:11

What a mean person you are.

Elfieishere · 16/12/2020 15:11

@TrialOfStyle

*It’s still voluntary. If you can or can’t afford it isn’t the OP problem. They still decided to not find the money. It’s only a tenner.*

Only a tenner to people who can easily spare a tenner.

Iv also known people that don’t have spare money but they would still put in. It is only £10. It’s not a huge deal of money. Doing a collection at a £1 isn’t going to buy anything decent is it Confused
LimitIsUp · 16/12/2020 15:11

Just checked to see if you live under a bridge - but no, it seems that you have a posting history. That makes it worse somehow

ClaireP20 · 16/12/2020 15:12

@Meowchickameowmeow

Just write 'from the team' or whatever. I actually hate these kind of collections.
So do I...they are the bane of my life at school and activities. Now on my third child, I am strong enough to say 'thank you but we're making something..' but it is so awkward for me because the collectors always suggest £5 or £10 and it really adds up for me if I contribute to every group, so I can't do it.

OP, it's really lovely of you, but could it be that the mum never received your email? That it went into her spam or something? Otherwise she would surely just say she couldn't do it etc. If everyone else contributed, then I would just say from the team as a whole x

LittleTiger007 · 16/12/2020 15:12

It’s the right decision. The children won’t see the card. The other family will have given their own separate gift.

PearlescentIridescent · 16/12/2020 15:12

@GinAtMerlottes

Grin honestly this place is incredible. It never changes. You’re all winding each other up now and the outrage and horror and people being devastated and terrified for my children and so so thankful they don’t know me has started, so I’ll leave you to it.

And to confirm, I’ve just done the card and I’ve written all the names of the people who contributed.

Well that's quite pathetic of you as the vast majority have told you. You do you though I guess.

How embarassing for the poor coach to realise you chose to leave a child out. At least she has the measure of you as do the other parents.

peboh · 16/12/2020 15:12

@GinAtMerlottes

Grin honestly this place is incredible. It never changes. You’re all winding each other up now and the outrage and horror and people being devastated and terrified for my children and so so thankful they don’t know me has started, so I’ll leave you to it.

And to confirm, I’ve just done the card and I’ve written all the names of the people who contributed.

You were always just going to write the names of those who contributed, this post was just so you could have people agree with you and how amazing you are.
myhobbyisouting · 16/12/2020 15:12

"And to confirm, I’ve just done the card and I’ve written all the names of the people who contributed."

Because it just makes you cringe so much to write from team....except when you write from class 😂

Ok Amanda. Crack on