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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave one girls name off the team card?

533 replies

GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 14:33

DD (10) joined a sports team in September. There is 9 of them in the team and two or three who train with them but aren’t in the official team.
The coach is a volunteer and she puts in so so much effort with the girls and is just so lovely. The team in this iteration is new and this is her first year coaching also.

I sent a message to all the other parents to see if they wanted to contribute to a joint gift. Quite a few did so I set up a PayPal pool and set the amount for £10. In the end everyone contributed, and the training kids put in £5 and we got 100 odd quid. Bought some vouchers and am going to give them along with a card and wine tonight.

One set of parents didn’t respond at all to any messages about the present and didn’t mention it to me at training either. No problem at all but it does mean every others kids name is on the card but not theirs. They are very involved with the team and the sport so no doubt they’ve done their own thing or whatever but WIBU to leave this girls name off?

I also arrange the teacher collection at school and don’t set an amount for that and have just written “from class” in the cards regardless of who has actually contributed. But this is a sports team they elect to join so feels a bit different.

Small issue but preoccupying me this morning. I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name.

OP posts:
Elfieishere · 16/12/2020 15:18

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

Elfieishere. It isn't about deciding not to find the money, little miss me and mine are alright JackAngry. Poverty isn't a choice. I suppose mocking the poor while sitting there all smug gives your ego a boost. Remember though What goes around sooner or later tends to come around.
That’s if you believe in karma and I don’t. I believe you work hard and then you get rewarded with a decent wage that enables me to spare a tenner. Grin
LittleMissLockdown · 16/12/2020 15:18

I know it's cringeworthy isn't it?

I'm not sure what planet some people are living on but it's sure as hell not this one.

Agreed! Sorry kids we have no money for food or the meter this week as we had to give our last tenner to the 'voluntary' contribution. Hmm Some people have no fucking idea how just £10 is the difference between eating or being warm each week!

slashlover · 16/12/2020 15:18

@GinAtMerlottes

Grin honestly this place is incredible. It never changes. You’re all winding each other up now and the outrage and horror and people being devastated and terrified for my children and so so thankful they don’t know me has started, so I’ll leave you to it.

And to confirm, I’ve just done the card and I’ve written all the names of the people who contributed.

So why even ask when you were going to do what you want anyway?
ruby4ever · 16/12/2020 15:19

What if they missed the mssgs that you sent, didn't see it? Sometime I accidentally open and close mssgs without realising and I haven't read the mssg, not on purpose. You should've mentioned it agAin in person to the parent when you saw them multiple times

swansongs · 16/12/2020 15:19

God I hate gift 'collections' like this one. What possesses people to organise them?

SeptemberAlexandra · 16/12/2020 15:19

The collection was never about appreciating the coach it was all about inflating your own sense of self importance. Shame on you!

whatwouldyoudo85 · 16/12/2020 15:20

This thread is mad. The coach won't go through and tick off all the names, they probably won't even notice either way.

Flowersandtea · 16/12/2020 15:20

I would definitely add her name, you really don’t know the circumstances and the family may not be able to afford a contribution especially this year when so many peoples situations have changed overnight; be kind it will make you feel good and it’s definitely not the child’s fault.

cantdothisnow1 · 16/12/2020 15:20

@swansongs

God I hate gift 'collections' like this one. What possesses people to organise them?
Normally the 'glory' of being the organiser!
LimitIsUp · 16/12/2020 15:20

"I don’t know anyone in my life that would struggle to find a tenner and I’m far from eating caviar for brunch kind of women"

No, I don't know anyone personally who would struggle to find a tenner either, which absolutely proves nothing! Even in my ivory tower, I am aware that there are plenty of people who can't pay for their electric meter / afford food etc. Just because I don't know them personally doesn't mean they don't exist Confused

Clymene · 16/12/2020 15:20

It's not about whether the coach is going to be upset that one child didn't contribute. It is going to make her very aware that while she considers the girls she trains as one team, their parents certainly don't.

This year, Unicef is feeding kids in the UK for the first time in its history. There are children living in this country who literally don't have enough to eat. A tenner just before Christmas is an absolute fortune to some parents who are choosing between putting the heating on or buying their kid a present.

If her parents really can't afford it, they're hardly going to tell spiteful besoms like the OP are they?

LittleMissLockdown · 16/12/2020 15:21

@whatwouldyoudo85

This thread is mad. The coach won't go through and tick off all the names, they probably won't even notice either way.
There are 9 children in total of course she will notice Hmm
JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 16/12/2020 15:21

And to confirm, I’ve just done the card and I’ve written all the names of the people who contributed.
Which is what you wanted all along you just wanted validation you were doing the right thing.
Congratulations on being a shitty person.

BiBabbles · 16/12/2020 15:21

So by "all the people who contributed" you mean the names of the asst. coach and the parents, right? None of the children contributed anything so if who paid is so important, none of their names should be on the card.

If you put the parents' names, that would be one thing and I could see leaving off the parents who didn't, but if you singled out a child who doesn't actually get a say in the matter, who had no choice as to what her parents do with their money or how well they keep track of WhatsApp or their opinion on Christmas, then yes it does feel like punishing the child for the parents' actions and nothing to do with writing who contributed.

Having been the kid left out because of my parents' inaction, your choice has no benefit other than to suit your mood.

Being a parent who doesn't celebrate Christmas and very firm on it, I'm very clear on what my children can and cannot do and how I want it handled at that age. If I had an issue, I'd be clear on it, everyone I know is similar - we know we're a tiny minority on the topic so have to be clear. You can't jump to a conclusion of their opinion on the matter from their in action.

You should have asked them directly or just 'from the team' or 'from asst. coaches and parents of the team' if you want to be precise on who is paying since that seems to be important.

myhobbyisouting · 16/12/2020 15:21

"Normally the 'glory' of being the organiser!"

Yeah, but now the coach will know she's so far from being a team player so it's a good thing the name has been left off.

SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 16/12/2020 15:22

You were probably the mean kid at school too

Sadly there seems to be more than one mean girl on this thread.

slashlover · 16/12/2020 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Persephonegoddess · 16/12/2020 15:22

Just write it from the team, if they are young enough for you to do a parent collection then it is polite to be inclusive.

YoniAndGuy · 16/12/2020 15:23

Definitely write her name in. Take a POSITIVE approach - it won't lessen the gift from the others, it's inclusive, it will avoid an issue being caused or you possibly looking bad. Rise above. Be generous. The only impression caused will be a very positive one.

ancientgran · 16/12/2020 15:23

But why is it my responsibility to include when the parents obviously don’t really mind? They’ve had ages to talk to me either It isn't about them it's about the child and you made it your responsibility, no one held a gun to your head and made you start the collection.

Put from all at x club or team or whatever. Don't exclude a 10 year old.

Fieldofyellowflowers · 16/12/2020 15:23

Did you stop to consider the parents' financial situation, OP? That they may have wanted to contribute and be involved but couldn't because they need what little money they have to pay the bills and put food in the cupboards etc. From the sounds of it you aren't best friends with these people so therefore they probably didn't feel comfortable talking to you about any of this. And now you have excluded their child, which is probably going to make them feel awful.

lyralalala · 16/12/2020 15:24

Your DD has only been there since September and this is the route you've chosen?

The coaches will see you for exactly what you are for that move. Exactly.

Iv also known people that don’t have spare money but they would still put in. It is only £10. It’s not a huge deal of money. Doing a collection at a £1 isn’t going to buy anything decent is it confused

There speaks someone truly clueless.

RedToothBrush · 16/12/2020 15:24

@GinAtMerlottes

Grin honestly this place is incredible. It never changes. You’re all winding each other up now and the outrage and horror and people being devastated and terrified for my children and so so thankful they don’t know me has started, so I’ll leave you to it.

And to confirm, I’ve just done the card and I’ve written all the names of the people who contributed.

translation: "So yeah I admit I came on here to be a goady fucker..."
NewYearNewPlumbing · 16/12/2020 15:24

Include her name, or just put 'the squad'.

Spirit of Christmas, and all that? Or is goodwill purchased via PayPal?

giantangryrooster · 16/12/2020 15:25

Wow, strong feelings here Hmm. The op isn't suggesting writing from team minus Esmeralda because her parents are cheapskates Grin.

If everybody took a free ride thinking others can do the contributions, not many gifts would be purchased.

I would write from team and whatever staff and if it reoccurs they are perhaps CF and you can leave them out another time.

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