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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To leave one girls name off the team card?

533 replies

GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 14:33

DD (10) joined a sports team in September. There is 9 of them in the team and two or three who train with them but aren’t in the official team.
The coach is a volunteer and she puts in so so much effort with the girls and is just so lovely. The team in this iteration is new and this is her first year coaching also.

I sent a message to all the other parents to see if they wanted to contribute to a joint gift. Quite a few did so I set up a PayPal pool and set the amount for £10. In the end everyone contributed, and the training kids put in £5 and we got 100 odd quid. Bought some vouchers and am going to give them along with a card and wine tonight.

One set of parents didn’t respond at all to any messages about the present and didn’t mention it to me at training either. No problem at all but it does mean every others kids name is on the card but not theirs. They are very involved with the team and the sport so no doubt they’ve done their own thing or whatever but WIBU to leave this girls name off?

I also arrange the teacher collection at school and don’t set an amount for that and have just written “from class” in the cards regardless of who has actually contributed. But this is a sports team they elect to join so feels a bit different.

Small issue but preoccupying me this morning. I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name.

OP posts:

Original poster

GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 14:43

So you don’t think it’s a bit to put peoples names on cards regardless of their possible views on it?

OP posts:

Redredwine2020 · 16/12/2020 14:44

Include the child.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2020 14:44

@GabriellaMontez

Put the girls name in

How presumptuous.
What if she doesnt want to be in it? You say you dont know them. Maybe they dont like the coach.

'From the Team', would be quite sufficient.

The OP is making a meal out of it with the individual name thing.

choli · 16/12/2020 14:44

Grow up for God's sake.

lyralalala · 16/12/2020 14:45

Just keep it simple and put the card "from the girls" or "from the team".

Setting the amount as high as £10 could easily be the reason they've not mentioned it at all.

Original poster

GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 14:45

I don’t care about being “good” just wondering what the Mumsnet massive thought.

OP posts:

LittleMissLockdown · 16/12/2020 14:45

To you it won't be a punishment but when you hand everything over and she knows she's not included she will see it as a punishment because she is only 10 years old!

I also think it was also exceptionally presumptuous of you to start a collection when you have only been a part of the team since September. If I was the coach I would be mortified her name was not included and horrified that in a time when many people have lost income you'd expected everyone to add £10 to a collection. Surely 2 or 3 quid each would have been more appropriate?

emilyfrost · 16/12/2020 14:45

@GinAtMerlottes

So you don’t think it’s a bit

to put peoples names on cards regardless of their possible views on it?

Nobody has strong views about being included on a card fgs

It is, however, unacceptable to leave only one member of the team out.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2020 14:45

@GinAtMerlottes

So you don’t think it’s a bit

to put peoples names on cards regardless of their possible views on it?

Yes

So again, 'Team' is the simplest way forward.

You really are overthinking the whole thing.

squiddybear · 16/12/2020 14:48

Why can't you just do the team (assistant coaches and those who aren't in the playing team still consider themselves the team)

Nicolastuffedone · 16/12/2020 14:49

From the team & coaches. Job done! Were you really going to put from:
Mary
Jane
Lily etc etc.....name everyone but this child??

Invisimamma · 16/12/2020 14:49

Perhaps the parents are skint, people have very different circumstances this year.

Perhaps they don't like the coach and have good reason for not wanting to give.

Perhaps they've missed the messages or forgotten to contribute.

Perhaps they don't do gifts to any teachers or coaches. Or perhaps they've arranged their own gift.

Just put 'from team' it saves any of this angst, nobody needs to know who did and didn't contribute.

Original poster

GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 14:49

But why is it my responsibility to include when the parents obviously don’t really mind? They’ve had ages to talk to me either
in person or on WhatsApp if they minded and they obviously don’t. And that’s fine with me of course, not everyone like or celebrates Christmas and a lot of people hate group collections.

Gift will be handed over just at the end of training just between coach and I, or I might even leave on the doorstep.

OP posts:

LaPoesieEstDansLaRue · 16/12/2020 14:50

Just put "from the team" or "from the XX (team name) girls"

I think you are over thinking it.

redpinkgreenblue · 16/12/2020 14:51

How could you possible consider leaving off one child's name!?
I am lucky enough to be in a fortune position financially, but I know plenty of people that would really really struggle to donate £10 due to Covid and Christmas. Perhaps the parents didn't wish to explain themselves or their financial constraints to you so simply ignored your messsge- but this isn't the child's fault and it says much more about you as a person then the child involved.
I don't know how people can get wound up about things like this, just simply sign it off from the team and be done with it!

redpinkgreenblue · 16/12/2020 14:52

@GinAtMerlottes

But why is it my responsibility to include when the parents obviously don’t really mind? They’ve had ages to talk to me either in person or on WhatsApp if they minded and they obviously don’t. And that’s fine with me of course, not everyone like or celebrates Christmas and a lot of people hate group collections.

Gift will be handed over just at the end of training just between coach and I, or I might even leave on the doorstep.

It's your responsibility because you chose to do the collection!!

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 16/12/2020 14:52

Seconding those who recommend that you ask - unless you know that they're definitely not of a faith that objects to making Christmas a special occasion (I can think of a fair few).

Clymene · 16/12/2020 14:52

Why did you write "I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name." when clearly that's absolute bullshit.

You posted looking for validation for your mean-spirited decision. And that's the only reason for leaving her name off the card - to let the coach know that her parents didn't fork out like the rest of you did.

You're just being mean - stop trying to dress it up as anything else.

efes · 16/12/2020 14:53

I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name.

Then the answer is obvious. Maybe they couldn't afford to contribute?

Brighterthansunflowers · 16/12/2020 14:55

YABU

How is this even a question? Why would you, as an adult, want to deliberately exclude a child just because her parents didn’t get the message or can’t afford to pay or don’t want to pay? Whatever their reason, it’s not the child’s fault! It would be extremely mean to exclude her.

Butterymuffin · 16/12/2020 14:56

I'd assume that the kids have actually written their names in the card hence the question? So it's already too late to write 'from the team'?

I think people are dramatising the effect this will have - is the coach likely to read the card and mentally tick off names to see if anyone's missing? Even if it was noticed, I would assume in that scenario that the child hadn't been there the week the card was passed round, or that it had been left off by accident. And I doubt the child themselves would read the card and be looking for their name! It's just not going to register.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2020 14:56

@GinAtMerlottes

But why is it my responsibility to include when the parents obviously don’t really mind? They’ve had ages to talk to me either in person or on WhatsApp if they minded and they obviously don’t. And that’s fine with me of course, not everyone like or celebrates Christmas and a lot of people hate group collections.

Gift will be handed over just at the end of training just between coach and I, or I might even leave on the doorstep.

Who do you think you are though, that they should have to divulge their personal circumstances, if for example they can't afford to contribute?

I think you're stepping across a line here from doing something nice to nominating yourself as some sort of head prefect.

Not nice OP

myhobbyisouting · 16/12/2020 14:57

"unlike school parents where I know most of the relevant details when it comes to this sort of thing"

Oh jeez there's one of these in every playground.

Just put "from all of us"

Job done. They've probably muted the incessant wittering group and have no idea about your collection.

RedBetty · 16/12/2020 14:58

@GinAtMerlottes

But why is it my responsibility to include when the parents obviously don’t really mind? They’ve had ages to talk to me either in person or on WhatsApp if they minded and they obviously don’t. And that’s fine with me of course, not everyone like or celebrates Christmas and a lot of people hate group collections.

Gift will be handed over just at the end of training just between coach and I, or I might even leave on the doorstep.

It can hardly be described as a responsibility. It's writing a name down on a card. People are encouraging you to be kind, rather than nasty to this 10 year old. She might be completely unaware that her parents didn't or weren't able to chip in. Many people on here may have been the 10 year old whose parents were too skint.

LimitIsUp · 16/12/2020 14:58

"But why is it my responsibility to include when the parents obviously don’t really mind? They’ve had ages to talk to me either
in person or on WhatsApp if they minded and they obviously don’t"

Give it a rest. You've heard from the 'Mumsnet massive' and the majority opinion is 'from the team'

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