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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave one girls name off the team card?

533 replies

GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 14:33

DD (10) joined a sports team in September. There is 9 of them in the team and two or three who train with them but aren’t in the official team.
The coach is a volunteer and she puts in so so much effort with the girls and is just so lovely. The team in this iteration is new and this is her first year coaching also.

I sent a message to all the other parents to see if they wanted to contribute to a joint gift. Quite a few did so I set up a PayPal pool and set the amount for £10. In the end everyone contributed, and the training kids put in £5 and we got 100 odd quid. Bought some vouchers and am going to give them along with a card and wine tonight.

One set of parents didn’t respond at all to any messages about the present and didn’t mention it to me at training either. No problem at all but it does mean every others kids name is on the card but not theirs. They are very involved with the team and the sport so no doubt they’ve done their own thing or whatever but WIBU to leave this girls name off?

I also arrange the teacher collection at school and don’t set an amount for that and have just written “from class” in the cards regardless of who has actually contributed. But this is a sports team they elect to join so feels a bit different.

Small issue but preoccupying me this morning. I try and be very inclusive etc in everything and doesn’t sit well to leave off one name.

OP posts:
Original poster
GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 14:59

I think it’s a bit head prefect to say “well you’ve had several chances to contribute, haven’t wanted to for whatever reason, but your name is going on anyway”.

OP posts:
Clymene · 16/12/2020 14:59

@Butterymuffin - the OP ask WIBU to leave this girls (sic) off? so no, she's planning on writing the names of 10 girls and leaving the 11th one off.

I would notice.

myhobbyisouting · 16/12/2020 15:00

Why are you writing out all of the individual names?

Just so you can put your child's name first or something?

"Gift will be handed over just at the end of training just between coach and I"

What? Why? Confused

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/12/2020 15:00

Exclusion comes under bullying. That's not my bat shit opinion that's A fact.

Derbee · 16/12/2020 15:01

It’s a bit tone deaf to assume that every family has £10 to put towards each child’s leader of each activity. It might be that they can’t afford it and don’t want to say.

Either be petty and leave a child’s name off. Or be reasonable and wrote “from everyone”.

Elfieishere · 16/12/2020 15:02

Leave the name off.

The gift isn’t from her so why should her name be on it. If her parents wanted to be included then they would of gave money.

They didn’t.

Original poster
GinAtMerlottes · 16/12/2020 15:02

To save a cringey “here’s a gift from the whole team” thing, have never been able to bear that sort of thing.

Bullying? Behave. It’s a totally voluntary Christmas gift collection and If people don’t actually want to be involved it’s hardly bullying to allow them not to be involved.

OP posts:
LittleTiger007 · 16/12/2020 15:03

I would put all the names that paid.
I’m a teacher and this is fine, I don’t penalise the parents who don’t give anything but it’s nice to know who to thank. They may well have done something separate and so their name will be on another gift.
No professional coach would penalise the child. The child won’t see what’s in the card anyway.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/12/2020 15:03

Also how do you know the family have got £10.00. It mightn't be a lot but in this climate and at this time of year its most certainly not a little either.

Elfieishere · 16/12/2020 15:03

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

Exclusion comes under bullying. That's not my bat shit opinion that's A fact.
The girl wasn’t excluded though Confused her family was offered the chance to be included. She didn’t for whatever reason.
peboh · 16/12/2020 15:03

You've not idea what that parents reasonings are for not responding. They may not have the spare cash but feel embarrassed to admit though, so decided to not comment.
Don't leave the name off, that's just cruel on the child.

PearlescentIridescent · 16/12/2020 15:04

If it's not a punishment or could not be seen as mean you wouldn't need to ask the question would you. It sounds like you're just trying to justify what is really quite a petty stance.

If there are other adults contributing then you put from Bob, Jane and the girls/team xxx

You don't exclude one 10 year old child from a nice gesture so she feels left out and ostracised.

LittleTiger007 · 16/12/2020 15:04

It’s not petty to leave their name off. That’s how gifts work.

PlantMam · 16/12/2020 15:04

Presumably the team has a name?

‘Happy Christmas
from the players, parents and staff of Sparkle Motion’

(A list of names with one missing is a bit weird and has the potential to make everyones lives harder going forwards, and it’s entirely possible they’ve written a card from the the family anyway, so being non-specific is the easiest way forward for all. No one is left out, but no one is specifically credited for something they were not involved in)

Confusedandshaken · 16/12/2020 15:04

I'm with the majority here. Either include all the names or none of the names.

Backbee · 16/12/2020 15:04

Just put from the team, how nasty and petty.

Fieldofyellowflowers · 16/12/2020 15:04

The parents may not have mentioned it/contributed towards it because they are skint. They won't want to admit being short of money too you. £10 may not seem a lot to you but it is a lot of money for others.

Either way, leaving just one girl's name off the card is mean.

TulipsTwoLips · 16/12/2020 15:04

I'm not sure it matters either way as I'm not sure the coach will go through and check who is on the card and who isn't!

lyralalala · 16/12/2020 15:05

Why bother asking?

You are quite clearly going to leave out the name of one 10yo child.

Just do it, but don't pretend there's anything moral or nice about being so mean spirtied to a child.

opalescent · 16/12/2020 15:05

OP I'm really surprised at the responses here, and agree with you. I think it would be odd and presumptuous to put the name of someone else's child in the card, when the parents have so deliberately chosen not to participate.

I think signing from 'the team' or something similarly general is a good compromise.

liveitwell · 16/12/2020 15:05

YABU.

Christmas is so expensive. I think £10 was excessive tbh. £5 would have been more reasonable. Maybe she can't afford it. Whatever the reason, it would be wrong of you to leave her name out. It's petty and unnecessary.

lyralalala · 16/12/2020 15:05

The girl wasn’t excluded though confused her family was offered the chance to be included. She didn’t for whatever reason.

A £10 request will exclude a lot of children. Especially this year.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 16/12/2020 15:05

You seen to have a field of potatoes on your shoulder I don't know about a chip.

WorraLiberty · 16/12/2020 15:05

@GinAtMerlottes

I think it’s a bit head prefect to say “well you’ve had several chances to contribute, haven’t wanted to for whatever reason, but your name is going on anyway”.
Urrrgggh! I agree with a PP, there really is one in every class and each one of your update proves it's you 🙄

You're really coming across as quite horrible now OP.

You've only been there since September but it won't take the coach and the team long to get the measure of you at this rate.

I just hope it doesn't affect your daughter and her friendships within the team.

PearlescentIridescent · 16/12/2020 15:06

Your replies are so mean and you are really stretching to exclude this one child. Have this family annoyed you in other ways or are you just that type of person.

Christmas is a hard time for people, many due to the pandemic have lost jobs or other assets/security. This is the most scroogey thing I have read on here in ages.